Jun 29, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 12

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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Adrianna was staying in a hotel in midtown. She had plans with her friends during her visit, but she made a lot of time to hang out with me. I remember one of the first things we did was go to lunch. I wanted to eat at TGIF and she couldn't believe I wanted to go to a restaurant I could go to any time, rather than somewhere particular to NYC. She reluctantly agreed and while she made it known she wasn't happy with my choice, I felt a little comfort in something familiar.

I remember bits and pieces of her vacation. I remember trying to keep my sadness from her but eventually I let it all out.

I remember going to see "The Rocky Horror Show" with her and getting the time wrong and making us a half hour late. I remember going to an audition or two. I remember being glad she was staying in midtown and I didn't have to spend all my time in The Bronx.

One night we went to The Donkey Show. This was an off broadway musical based loosely on Midsummer Nights Dream. It was set inside a club and took place around and in the audience, stages, stairs and booths. The music was all disco. Songs the characters sang included "Ring my Bell" and "Don't Leave me this way". Puck was on roller skates and painted gold from head to toe.

I spent my saturday nights ninth through twelfth grade going disco skating. I was obsessed and convinced I was born in the wrong decade. Discovering the Donkey Show was life changing. And in face, I'd later have a very personal experience with the show.

We stayed long after the show was over. We drank, danced on the speakers and had a fabulous time. Eventually we went back to her hotel and I think this was the night she tells me we got cigarettes and tried to smoke them in the hotel room at the window. I have no memory of this!

Her trip was such a strange time for me. I went from muffling my sadness to pouring my heart out. I never liked to (and still don't) admit if something is wrong or show any kind of weakness. But I needed someone to talk to, more than I knew. I needed someone older and wiser and objective to what I was going through and what life was like at barely twenty years old.

One of her last nights there we went to a bar at the top of a hotel that slowly spun in a circle. I thought it was the absolute coolest. That is until I came back from the bathroom and my seat had moved and I had a moment of panic before I found it again.

This was the night that Adrianna, who always seemed so cool calm and collected, poured her heart out to me. I saw her become completely emotional and tell me things that blew my little mind at the time. I also felt comfort seeing that she had bad times, struggles and issues too. It meant a lot to me at my low point to see cracks in her typically together demeanor.

More of the same entry from the previous blog (which I wrote on summer vacation at home in SLC).

June 3

"...at first I didn't want her to [Adrianna coming to visit]. I felt horrible, I didn't want to have to put on a happy face and I've never felt close to her. The trip was weird, I still knew I was not myself and began to worry about myself. But I saw Rocky Horror and Donkey Show and stayed in a hotel on 34th and 8th and ended up having some great talks with Adrianna. Especially on the last night. She opened up to me and I saw her at her most vulnerable. I saw the Adrianna that is so deeply hurt, but never admitting it. I saw she does have pain, saw her as a completely different person. I think we did a lot of good for each other.

...I cannot ever be thankful enough for our talks about sex. I so desperately needed to talk to a family member about it...now I have a fresh new perspective and feel so at peace.

I turned twenty this year. I'm still having a hard time with that one, but it's getting easier. I thought I was so old. No longer a teen, but at this very moment I feel much more at peace with everything and I feel that it could be the start of something new. A brand new, completely different chapter of my life.

Before I came to SLC I realized I'd become my own worst enemy. Always pushing myself, yelling at myself, beating myself up. Losing confidence, self esteem and knowing I was the only one taking it away. Here and now I'm rediscovering myself, getting to know myself, maybe learning who I am and what I want to be at last. So much darkness has passed in and through me and my entire family this year. One thing after another since my move.

Now I feel happy again but I still find myself holding my breath. I don't want it to disappear. The Guy, Rob back in my life and finding closure here with certain issues. I hope it's real. It's so needed, so deserved. For the first time in a year I'm finding myself living in the moment, too. And learning to like myself again. Feeling much more connected to myself again. All I can do and hope for is to build from here.

One lesson I learned this year was to be proud and happy, sometimes satisfied in my work. What a feeling, to be proud, confident in my acting. Trying to remember to "wipe my feet at the door". I'm trying to apply it to my every day life as well. I thought nothing of my major move and what I would go through, what it all entailed, but now I am so proud of myself. So glad the hardest part is behind me. I'm to be commended. I've asked a lot of myself and always come through despite being ruled by a slave driver - me. It's time to respect and take time with myself and make friends with myself.

I've also learned that other people are not ever going to be perfect, and to take them for what they are, learn from them and know I don't have to try to change them or abandon them as friends because they aren't perfect. If I don't then nobody, including myself, will ever live up to my expectations because perfection doesn't exist.

I'm starting at CAP 21 [NYU's Musical Theater program] on June 25 for six weeks. I see a glimmer of light at the end of my tunnel. I'm full of hope again. My hope will get me there. My determination will get me through. I'm not going to lose my sense of self again in the shuffles. And I have to learn not to be scared, not to have fear, but to just be me. Just be Deena. "

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This section feels like a strange and emotional time of transitioning and trying to feel, to catch up with myself. I think I did, as best as I knew how. But believe me when I say that up until this point...it's only the beginning. Stay tuned.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html

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