Jun 16, 2011

Time to press pause

If you've been following my blog, then you've seen I'm in the process of writing "My New York Diaries". I'm up to part 8 which begins the second semester of my acting school experience. It's been wonderful to get this out. To remember, to recall, to have this chance to write and share such personal and entertaining stories.

What I didn't expect (but should have) was how emotional it was going to be. Yesterday I asked my sweetheart to help me scan some pictures to post in this blog. When I went to open up my photo album and choose the ones to be scanned, I couldn't. I could hardly look at them. I started to cry and I couldn't get a deep breath. My chest felt heavy and tight and I was completely overwhelmed.

I've looked at these old photo albums plenty of time through the years without reacting like that. My sweetheart is the best man in the world, and told me he just wanted to hold me and we could do this later.

I felt so stupid. I mean clearly I needed to get some emotions out, but it surprised me and I didn't want my sweetheart to think that I was missing my old life or unhappy in the present.

What I learn more every day is how wise and supportive he is. It's unreal.

We abandoned the picture task and went downstairs to watch episodes of The Office and just relax.

Later on, laying in bed I asked him what was wrong with me? We had a big conversation where he told me nothing is wrong with me, he has told me before how sensitive I am and how deeply I feel emotions. How he knows that's why I'm a good actress. I'm very in tune with my emotions and the emotions of those around me. He calls me an empath. He said my emotions are often just under the surface.

He also told me that I'm in a place in my life where for the first time in years I'm able to breathe. He said while he had experiences and lived out of the state and met new people and went new places, what I did was still different. I had gone from being surrounded by family in my cozy house my whole life to waiting for strangers to recognize me at the airport in NYC one day. How much went on the second I got there. Having to do a million things I'd never done before all alone in a new place. All at the same time. How it's particularly special because I was 19.

I agreed. Had I moved to NYC right now with so much more life experience it would be night and day. He said, "you're never 19 again". He was right. Of course! At 19 everything is a first. Everything is new.

He also went on to tell me how things have been a whirlwind for me from then, leading all the way up to us being married and me living in our cozy house we're in now with each other and our puppy.

Now I can relax. I can breathe. I have the time to soul search, process a big part of my life and chain of events that brought me to right here, right now. He said he's sure when people write their autobiographies there are plenty of tears and emotions involved.

He thinks it's all positive, and he's always interested and anxious to read the next installment. He hopes I do turn this into a book and was a big part of encouraging me to write about it in the first place.

Did I tell you he was wise and supportive, or what?

Anyway. Today I am taking a break. I'm usually really excited every day to get more out, but today I need to step away.

He's right. This is definitely the part of my life where I can relax and breathe more than I've been able to do in a really long time.

It does bring up old feelings to write and relive that strange time. It's almost like a sense memory exercise. I can remember the texture of the pants ant the way they snapped that I was wearing while writing about a night out. I can remember the sound of the buzzer to get into the ATC building. I can remember pangs of heartbreak, loneliness, fun and craziness. It will never be that way again. First times. I don't ever want to forget how it felt and I'm happy I'm writing this before it's all too far away to recall but it is hard to do. Hard and good.

I thought it was important to document the process of this and how I'm feeling while it's happening. It's part nostalgia, part parallel lives, part reconciliation and and ultimate marrying of all of my experiences.

Accepting and allowing.

Thanks for reading and supporting.

I feel so lucky to have so much of my life documented in my journals. There is so much more to come. I don't know how I can not share it.

tweet me @deenamarie

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