Jul 1, 2011

My New York Diaries - Part 13 (with an extra shot)

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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I debated wether to make this entry purely the next installment, or about where I am in the writing process. One day when I truly have turned all of this into a book, it will be elaborated and expanded and while it will be my truth, it will be a story. A story of a long time ago full of experiences that will only get farther away and harder to remember. I like that right now I can write about the then and the now. How I'm feeling through this process, today.

It's been a weird time. It's what I would imagine therapy to be. I'm reflecting and linking together all that has happened in my life to lead me to who I am and where I am right this very minute. I'm realizing there are behavioral patterns I've (surprisingly) kept. I've realized there are things I never properly dealt with. I am realizing there are aspects of my personality I should never ignore and should always keep an eye on. I'm realizing that while people can and do change, there is a great part of us that is wired from the start and that's just a fact.

Thank god I have My Sweetheart to talk this all out with. Time and time again, he gets me through.

Now onto part twelve...

June 4

...thinking about The Guy, the fact that he called, the fact that he called, the fact he probably likes me, the fact that I liked him at first sight and the fact that I'm getting the chance with him through all odds...

...I knew there'd be a way. I never knew how I'd meet him, I didn't know how it'd happen after I found out he had a girlfriend of two years, but I knew it would...

...I have to keep reminding myself that he's just a guy, just a person, like me. Possibly scared, intimidated etc and that he just possibly could be sincere and that I do deserve it. "It's been a mysterious world for me". He said he's relationship phobic, in a nonchalant way, and while I think if I had a relationship, if I just had that rock there in big bad NYC I'd be okay...I also truly know I haven't a clue how to go about a real relationship and I'm so out of practice, so jaded, I'm scared to death of one!

I don't know how a relationship works. I think maybe all I need to do is learn not to be scared to be myself. That's all I'll ever be and whoeer ends up with me will be because of that. So I'd like to say, when responding to "I'm phobic of relationships", that I don't accept that as an excuse. Who isn't? I am. It's just assumed. But it can never be an excuse. Because (to quote "Meet Joe Black") you have to "keep yourself open, you never know when lightning may strike".

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My summer visit back home was over quickly. I got sick with pneumonia at the end and suddenly time was up. I was a little nervous as I returned to NYC later that month. But I would be busy immediately. I was about to start the six week summer intensive at NYU's CAP21, their musical theater program.

I enjoyed this first summer living in NYC. Now that I look back, and maybe I'm romanticizing, but it held magic. What a time. What a special time of firsts and of new things and things that will never be again.

I remember seeing The Guy almost as soon as I got back. I remember what I was wearing and how I was sweaty and sticky and terribly anxious and excited as I walked through the streets to meet him. I met him at a friends house in the city where he was giving them a tv, or picking up a tv? Can't quite remember. We went to his place in Brooklyn after. He lived with his best friend, Ty, but we were home alone when we got back to his place. It was the first time we'd been together since my birthday. It was the first time we'd been alone in awhile. We took advantage of that on that hot and sunny afternoon.

This is when I truly began seeing The Guy. We started see each other just about every weekend. I was more and more head over heels every time I saw him.

CAP21 gave me a chance to be in my element and to meet new people. I met a lot of new friends there and we went out a lot during those six weeks.

I loved performing my assignments and discovering new songs, new scenes and learning from teachers who once again helped and inspired me.

We also had guest teachers and to this day I often think of the one that told us that when you're at an audition, despite all the other other people auditioning, it's only "between you and whoever gets the part." That's always brought a great comfort and clarity to me.

I think one of the most positive things to come out of the CAP21 experience was that I gained a boost of confidence. I don't even know if I was fully aware of it then. But in moving into a big pond, I found I was a little fish. When I started school at ATC I had began to wonder if I was still special. I'd been used to being the chosen one. Now, I wondered if it would ever be that way again?

At CAP I was the best actress. Whenever there were scenes or acting exercises it was myself and a guy who were the "star pupils" for lack of a better term. I was feeling a little "schooled-out" still, but the experience was like a little burst of the familiar in a new unfamiliar life.

I remembered again, this is what comes easy to me. This is where I should be and this is what I do.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html

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