Struggling

Update. Went in to talk to the travel agency. First one I called didn't do the kind of thing that I want to do so she referred me elsewhere. Called where I was referred and the first lady who answered seemed like I was asking for a ticket to Mars. Anyway, went in and who I ended up meeting with was very helpful and very knowledgable. We mapped out two ways for me to potentially get there. It ended up being more travel time before even beginning the camino, but less expensive than I'd originally budgeted.

I've been debating the last three and a half hours. As much as I want to jump on everything my heart is telling me, the practical side is now just as relevant. Coming home and going over every last penny for the last few hours tells me that yes. I could afford it. I could afford the cost of travel, of living 35 days and of the gear (sweet god in heaven WHY is the gear so much money)?! The only problem is, that's it. That pretty much wipes me out. The next problem is (and I only vaguely mentioned this a few posts back) I'm also going to be in NYC in July. For more work than play, and while my ticket and hotel are booked I still need cab fair, subway card and money to eat. Forget that I'd hoped to see a show or two.

I just don't think I can afford it right now, in good conscience.

As much as I'd like to do my camino right now, as much as I feel it calling me, I don't know that it's the wisest decision. The most romantic? Impulsive? Brave? Yes. But could I literally do everything I need to do upon returning to real life right now? I don't know. And I'd like to know.

The other issue is, where will I be in a year from now? What will I be feeling? What will our plans be as a couple, as a family, etc. I don't know. Will I be on the camino next may, like I'd originally thought? Or will it be ten years from now?

I wanted nothing to stand in my way. I wanted so badly to do this. But I think it must be happening as it's supposed to. Remember what I said in my last post. Everyone says "The Camino begins before you've even left". Boy, isn't that the truth?

I have to remember that I knew from the start, whenever I was supposed to be there, I would be. Whatever is supposed to happen there and whoever I'm supposed to meet there will be there when it's time. I'm a little bummed, okay flat out sad, but I'm going to try my hardest to accept and allow and look at all that is positive.

That's where I stand right now, if I do something crazy I'll let you know :)

But mark my worlds, I will do this in my lifetime!

So for now...



art by Austin Kleon