Apr 30, 2011

And so it goes

According to Vedanta, there are only two symptoms of enlightenment, just two indications that a transformation is taking place within you toward a higher consciousness. The first symptom is that you stop worrying. Things don’t bother you anymore. You become light hearted and full of joy. The second symptom is that you encounter more and more meaningful coincidences in your life, more and more synchronicities. And this accelerates to the point where you actually experience the miraculous.
-Deepak Chopra

Life is so weird. So funny. Everything is connected and I'm pretty sure I'll go on record and tell you I've become a believer that there are no coincidences in life.

I've made peace with it now, but I was feeling a little icky after putting it out there what I wanted to do. The traveling, mentioned a few blogs back. I wrote about it here then started spreading the word to groups of friends. My close real life friends. My circle of youtubers. Other internet friends. Family. I didn't post it all over any other sites, or make a YouTube video like I had planned, in the next step. I got so many replies of support and word seemed to already be spreading. Honestly, it all felt very private to me and I only announced it because I was so sure at the time. I'd waited a week or so to announce it and I figured I'd need to start telling people and asking for advice. Who knows if any of my contacts knew about this, had done it, knew someone who had, etc. When things came to a screeching halt with these plans, after being bummed, I felt violated. This could have all remained very private. I would have preferred it that way. I guess I should have waited until I had my ticket in my hand. I'm still getting messages with people wanting to know about this big 500 mile walk and I feel like I've had a page of my diary published. I can't look at it as a mistake, because for whatever reason it was supposed to unfold this way. But it just...feels weird. I suppose it's a lesson on how fast things spread. I suppose it's a lesson on if you tell one person, they'll tell another, then they'll tell another, and so on and so forth. I still plan to do this next year and I can only imagine that the wait will give me a chance to learn more, not just about the journey itself but about myself and make it all the more rich. So that's that for now.

Here's the part that is still blowing my mind. I thought I was supposed to have this experience now because I wasn't sure if I had the right handle on performing. If I was perhaps letting it control me a little more than I was controlling it, it a nutshell. If I was as happy with it all and if it was even happy with me anymore. I felt so disconnected from it. Disconnected from quite a few things, actually. Then a complete 180 happened. The "magical string of events" I mentioned awhile back led me to be able to spend nearly a week in "solitude", holed up reading & writing & reading & writing with the tv off and computer on very little. I began to realize so much and get back on top of what was, in a way, smothering me. I began to learn new ways of thinking and start to put them into practice. I almost immediately felt better. It is amazing what changing the way you think of something does for your mental and emotional health. Basically, it was just a big wake up call to listen to myself. We all know what we want and what we need if we just slow down a minute and really listen.

Anyway, so there I was, having just made the decision that I wouldn't be traveling right now. But deep down, I knew it would be okay. I knew I would be okay, even if I didn't know what was next.

Then the next morning happened.

I woke up and went to zumba and when I got home I got on facebook. I had a few notifications congratulating me for being a nominee in the Utah Entertainment and Choice Awards. What?! I was nominated with three other locals in the "future" category. This is described as: "The Choice in Future Award showcases individuals or businesses that display extraordinary tenacity, ambition, and fortitude for achievement." Basically, this is the first annual awards show of this nature in UT. It's a black tie, red carpet event covered by both local and non local press. It takes place on May 20th. I've never been nominated or won something specifically like this, because there hasn't been anything like this. Do you realize how much this meant to me right at that particular moment? On that particular morning? It was special to be recognized. It meant so much to me that there are people out there recognizing the time and effort I've put into making a career and name for myself for a very long time. Had I gone out of town, I wouldn't be able to have even gone to the ceremony! I'm by no means comparing the importance of a ceremony to the journey I was about to make, but it just seemed like I was prevented from going on purpose. There was something else right here that I needed to learn. I was also contacted about a potential show may/june. On the same day. This is pending, but again, the timing is just too bizarre.

I feel much calmer about all of the above, and I'll I've been feeling through the last month. I feel this has come when I was in the mindset to appreciate it most. You just can't rush anything...maybe you do get what you need at the right time? Maybe what you need isn't always what you had planned, or thought you'd benefit from most? I feel very happy and very fortunate at the moment. I feel excited about everything coming up through the summer and I'm once again aware that the possibilities are endless and are to be enjoyed when they happen (the joy lies in the experience. Not on the fast forward of what's next) and learned from when they don't. And that it's okay. You can't rush anything. It comes to you when it's supposed to. Whatever happens, it's okay.

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