Something about my upcoming 7 week NYC stay has been causing me anxiety...and even a little sadness despite knowing I need to go.
My mom left town today to stay with and help my grandparents. We had our goodbye yesterday. I have my impending goodbye to my sweetheart. To my pets, especially my Noodles. I have to say goodbye to "The Winter's Tale". I'll have one last time to see and say goodbye to my dad.
Yesterday as I hugged my mom I felt like I was a little kid going off to school or something. I had all kinds of separation anxiety. I've been feeling it all day.
What is wrong?
Why am I feeling this way?
It just hit me. Just now.
It's any kind of a GOODBYE. Even temporary. For any extended period of time.
It's because of Chuck. I'm panicking. I feel worried. I don't want anything to happen to any other loved ones. I don't want to miss out on time with them. I have a constant lump in my throat.
I am so sensitive now to life, to experiences, and to everything being so incredibly beautifully and tragically fleeting.
I am having a really hard time with goodbyes.
I understand logically that there is no need, that I should be thrilled for the opportunity, and I still am.
But this year has given goodbye an entirely new feeling.
That's exactly what it is.