Aug 6, 2012

What were you driving when?

The goodbyes just don't let up this year!
2012 has proven to be the biggest year of ends and change I've ever had.  

The other day my car overheated on the freeway and stopped running.  It stopped with perfect timing.  I was able to get off the freeway on the exit I was already planning to get off and pull into a parking lot, slide into a shady stall just as the sound and the smoke started up and it quit on me.

After wondering the fate of the car through the weekend, today we found out there will be no saving my car.  

I feel guilty in saying this, because I've been so detached from things and from things that don't matter, but when I realized my car of nearly a decade would be no more, I may or may not have cried for a minute.  I just couldn't believe I had another end to add to the list! 

I was given this car by my parents when an ex boyfriend totaled my car.  It was my first car and I loved it and even though it wasn't his fault, it just figured he was the one behind the wheel when we crashed. He brought a lot of disaster and chaos to my life.  He'd just ruined my little white car and insisted on getting wasted that night, even though that was just more trauma for me and a source of our fights because of how out of control he got.  My first car, that I picked up all my girlfriends in the night I got it and rode all around the neighborhood in.  My first car, that I'd so carefully decided what the first CD was I wanted to play in it.  Missy Elliot, for the record.  

I was so sad to lose that car.  My parents gave me another.  The second car they'd ever given to me.  I was young.  I was almost upset that the car they were giving me was a green blue.  I hate cool colors.  

But this became my car.  This was my car for a long time.  For the longest I've ever had a car.  I learned I cared less about cars.  Whenever I've had to drive a nicer one, like my sweethearts or my moms I stress.  I don't know the feel of it, I feel nervous and I can't relax when I drive.  I can't wait to get back to my little car I know so well, and when I do it's a relief.  

Now it's gone! I have to get a new car! I have to learn a new car and I guess I should be glad but I'm not.  I just want my trusty baby back.  It's been with me through a lot!  

I have also realized my cars have marked times in my life.  When I was in high school I got to borrow my moms car.  I loved driving it, I thought it was really pretty and felt like anyone does with a new license.  On top of the world.  Then one day, right by my house a man pulled out unexpectedly in front of me, totaling my her car.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  Having to miss rehearsal for the musical, "Cinderella" where I was playing Cinderella.  Getting all kind of attention from my cast the next morning, and from the boy I liked because of this accident.  Being seventeen.  Seventeen.  What a magical age.  

Now, I'll mark the end of this car as the time that Chuck died.  He left, and took so much with him.  But he left us with so many seeds of new.  So much is happening and growing since he left.  

I have been so caught up in life and death and what I saw with my own eyes and how I observed my family that I haven't yet been faced with the day where I say to myself, "I want him back.  I miss him." That day was today.  Today I want him back.  Today I miss him.  It's suffocating.  I literally feel full of smoke from it.  I want to talk to him.  I smelt him, strongly, suddenly, while on a walk tonight.  What the hell? The same day I found out I'd never drive my car again.  The same day that was also the first day in a long time I ate, and didn't get physically sick right after.  

I hate parts of this process.  I can't stand parts of this process.  

One thing is for sure, everything around me is morphing to something new.  No use in fighting it.  

I hear you, universe! I hear you! 

Everything is ending and everything will be new.  I don't know why now, or what it all means, but I'm being given this message again and again and again. 

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie 

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