Oct 26, 2010

I miss being an asshole.

Last night in the midst of Zumba, the words "I miss being an asshole" literally went through my head. You know how as people "grow up" (I hate saying get OLDER) they tell you "I would never want to be young again, I would much rather know what I know now"? I kept waiting for the day that would happen. That I would know what that meant, and start saying it too. You know what? That day still hasn't come. I don't think it's gonna.

In fact, I quite think the opposite. IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

When I was in high school I led a big gaggle of beautiful girls. We thought we were the shiiiiiiiit. I thought the world revolved around me. I thought I was the most beautiful and talented girl to walk the earth and I had an unshakeable confidence. I literally thought I ruled the world. I knew nothing, and I was a complete asshole. I was spoiled and selfish, but young so I forgive myself. A little. :)

*Now before you freak out, remember this was a whole life time ago. Before I moved to NYC and learned to be humble. Learned that I was one of many fish in the sea. Now I don't even like to talk about myself or what I do when I meet someone for fear I'll sound like an asshole. I'm working on my happy medium.

As you "grow up" you're supposed to let go of caring about what may or may not be considered superficial or trivial things. You are supposed to gain even more confidence.

My first year out of high school I volunteered at the YWCA for a college class, I helped take care of little babies. Most of the ladies helping were older. Probably late 60's early 70's. One of them told me, and I'll never forget this, that she and women her age are supposed to be in their Golden Years but that's not true. Everything hurts, things that took a minute now take ten, etc. And even back then I knew that this must be true.

Who doesn't want to be forever young?

As I grow up I find myself becoming more sensitive. More cautious. I think you realize that everything is precious. You stop taking things for granted. You can have a heart break. You can lose a friend. You can get hurt. You are only human. You're not untouchable. You find your sweetheart and you care about someone besides yourself. I'm still confident but in a different way. I am aware feelings get hurt. I now know all to well that everyone is someones loved one. I am aware that youth is not forever and want to do it all and suck it all up until I no longer can...and then maybe *gulp* I'll even begin to fathom/consider what it would be like to be somebody's mom.

Anyway, last night at zumba there was a gaggle of young girls probably high school seniors, right up front and center loudly laughing and joking and busting a move and having the time of their lives and being terribly annoying and I thought to myself, "wow...that was me!" And that's when it hit me. "I miss being an asshole." Not that I actually and truly want to be now. I just miss the time before I was an "adult" (which, I guess I am - I still don't feel it) when I lived in a complete state of carefree. It was just me, just my girls, and we ruled the world.

You know what I mean...?

On the other hand...today was the first time I've ever gone to a dentist appointment all by myself. It had been waaaayyy to long since I'd last been and it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd remembered. Not even a little. I'm feeling quite proud of myself at the moment. So maybe it pays to grow up...a little.

Deena Marie xo

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