I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I kissed another boy. Maybe you're thinking it was The Star? Nope. I hadn't even seen The Star since Jenny and I had gone to see him play softball in the park, shortly after the night of his birthday. All the plans we'd made the night of his birthday had fallen to the wayside because it was obvious my heart was elsewhere. But I still had to self preserve.
"...While I'm leaving these demons on the page - which is a very good idea, I think - let me get out that I kissed another boy. Like two days after Thanksgiving. His name was Random Boy and he was twenty five. Jenny kissed his friend. It was at Charles and Oscars housewarming party [Charles, his on again / off again girlfriend and Oscar were now roommates at a new place in Washington Heights] which was an absolutely ridiculous drama filled night. I gave Random Boy my number. He called twice. I broke plans. No plans or desire now to see him. But not forever. He was such a nutcase I'll probably call him up one night and have him meet up with me to entertain me and my friends."
He looked a little like my old friend from home, Rob. Rob who I'd had such a hard time leaving at the beginning of this NYC journey and who I'd missed so much. He was becoming more like a distant memory. A friend from the past. I think the fact Random Boy looked a little like Rob had something to do with it. But more than that, it was me thinking I was protecting myself. The Guy wouldn't tell me we were committed so I wanted to show myself that I could still do whatever I wanted. I could keep my options open and I could get some ammo in case I were to need it. I was so worried that The Guy would be in a position to do just this...kiss someone else...and it would kill me. So I wanted to do it first. But kissing someone else wasn't really what I wanted, and I never saw or spoke to Random Boy again.
Charles and his on again off again girlfriend living together turned out to be a disaster. Charles was awesome...if you weren't dating him. In his relationship he was bat shit crazy. Jenny, Oscar and I witnessed screaming, crying, door slamming, running out of the apartment kind of drama. They were a bad combination and poor Oscar was living in the middle of it.
There was only a little time left at school now before I'd be going back home for christmas vacation. I hadn't missed school again. We were working on something that all the second years do, called the "Through Line". This was a lengthy scene you were assigned by the instructors to work on all year. They chose your partner as well. Once again, it was interesting to see how they see you, what they want to see from you and how they'd cast everyone. I fell in love with mine, playing the title role in "Electra". I really liked this project. There was always more to do. One of my favorite things was to choose the piece of music that fit the story to me, and use it with my scene partner (the girl playing Electra's sister Chrysothemis) in a physical improv in a movement class. Music and movement I'd found were invaluable and magic to my acting. My song was "Deliver Me". I couldn't have found it more perfect for my Electra.
*Song is posted at the end of this entry
The beginning of the new year would bring a showcase and the scene assigned to me was from "Leaving Las Vegas". I read it and thought it was absolutely beautiful. The end was so sad to me. I was heavy and emotional when I finished the script. My partner would be Steve. I was pleased with what I'd been assigned and with my scene partners.
We'd also all soon be hearing what our final, full length play would be. I couldn't wait.
But with just a few days left in NYC before the break, I wanted to see The Guy as much as I could.
December 2
"...One year ago today I was in a stairwell with a boy named The Guy. One year later we're waking up together, having our coffee, dying his hair. I never write about him. Really write about him. So one year to the date of our first kiss I will try. I got him to go to 'Moulin Rouge' on wednesday. It didn't start off perfectly the way I'd envisioned. We went out to eat and he was talking about an ex girlfriend whom he'd lived with when he was 18 or 19. She met him, 'lot's of chemistry', whatever. She ends up moving in, both their 'socks in the same drawer', etc. Later on down the road she tells him she has a miscarriage. He says he never knows if it was true or not. WHAT?! So he said from then on he spoke his mind and hated labels. Lately he talks about other women, famous or random women who he thinks are sexy and it only adds to my insecurities. He thinks every other woman is hot. I keep reminding myself that his ex wasn't cute and I'm much cuter.
*His type seemed to be dark haired, badass, gothic beauties. Something that seemed so different from me. The ex mentioned (who I'd only seen in pictures) was not at all that type. Light hair and average. I felt in the middle. What category did I fit into? Did he find me as beautiful as the girls he flat out said were beautiful? Or was I the other kind of beautiful? The kind that got to be in a real relationship with him?
Anyway, I hate to hear these things, and it was on 'Moulin Rouge' day! So we watch the movie and I cry (the eleventh time I've seen it). I just wish we'd been holding hands or something. Then we sit through the credits. I didn't have to ask him to, which was nice. Later - fast forward to when we're in bed - and it's 'Moulin Rouge' day for gods sake and I feel like he doesn't want to kiss me. So I start pouting and turn away, like I've been doing because I have this built up resentment to him because of the label issue. Anyway, he puts his head really close to mine and nothing happens. "What are you thinking?" He asks. "Nothing", I reply. "You're lying", he tells me, "You're funny". I ask, "Why? Tell me why?" He responds, "Not until you tell me what you're thinking first." Silence. "Why didn't you kiss me just now?" Moral of the story it was all about him wanting to see if I'd make the first move. I told him I had thought he didn't want to kiss me...
...[later] he says, (quoting 'Moulin Rouge') "Did you think life wasn't wonderful now that you're in the world?" WHAT?! "What did you say?" He continued, "cause his life is damn wonderful now that you're in the world." I wanted to cry. I felt weird all the next day. I 'm so torn up. I start concentrating on the negative, the jealousy takes over and I can't stop thinking about his exes or other girls out there. I create these scenarios in my head. I've got to stop dwelling on the bullshit or I'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened. I'm completely torn, split in two when it comes to him. Half of me says this is it, bus stops here. Since day one I saw him and he's the guy. I think I might love him, or am falling in that direction. I just want to be with him, could very well spend the rest of my life with him. On the other hand I think, how can I wait this out? How can I keep letting it be all about him? Biting my tongue, biding my time? Not speaking my mind for fear of ruining it. These extreme highs or lows. And somewhere in the middle I tell myself to be patient, not to fuck it up, not to be that girl. To be myself more. I keep thinking how he's staying with me. We've had some shit. He's seen me cry. He's had to say, "I don't want to lose you". Words I've heard before, but never gotten passed. So I almost get angry. Why? Why is he sticking by me? *I keep expecting him to fade (reference to a poem, posted in it's entirety at the end of blog)...Jesus I do have an obsession with love. Why do I want it so badly? What happens if I'm free? Maybe for two weeks in Utah I'll see..."
And once again, life was about to take a very unexpected turn. I never could have imagined what was about to happen in those two weeks, and back home in SLC of all places!
Someone was about to come back into my life...and ultimately change it forever.
"Deliver Me" by Sarah Brightman
*I Keep Expecting You To
a poem by Jewel that I have had memorized for years, before I even moved to NYC
keep expecting you
to fade
to wake up one morning
and not care
so I
keep myself
one carefully measured step away
in anticipation
of your love's decline
so when your check turns
and you attention
wanders
elsewhere
my heart will not be left
all awkard
hanging
from an elastic thread
you forgot to pull off
your old pair of socks
for it's in your nature to
lose interest suddenly
we are both artists
who suck the marrow out
of each lovely bone
It just happens to be
my lovely bones
this time
How Bare
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Sep 21, 2011
Sep 20, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 22
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
November 8
"It happened. He's...mine?! I'm going to his place for Thanksgiving, I'm meeting his parents. It's been an unexpected and interesting turn of events. I went from thinking we weren't on the same page to being consumed by jealousy to...this. It's hard for me to say it, because I'm not used to it and I still have reservations, even though I'm floating. After Industry Night he asked me what I liked about him. And I realized I had so much to say. I said, "I like that you're patient with me. I like that you're honest and straightforward. There's a vulnerability in you that I don't think even you see. And a something else I can't quite put my finger on that I saw before I ever knew you." I also like the way we can be silly and weird and laugh and I bring out the kid in him that I don't think anyone else does."
I would be spending Thanksgiving with The Guy, his brother Sean, their dad, stepmom, Ty, and another male friend of of theirs from work. I couldn't believe I got my wish! But of course, there was a catch. The Guy made it clear that I would not be introduced as a girlfriend.
Whenever I thought I was almost there...bam. Talk about so close yet so far away.
He claimed it was because he liked to keep that kind of stuff private and didn't want them to know his business or ask him a bunch of questions. I was just happy to be going and I told him it was fine with me. I mean, of course I would have loved to be introduced as his girl, but I was more than willing to let this one slide in order to spend this holiday with him. Once again, I scoured the city to find the perfect outfit.
I would also need to bring the perfect salad. Asking me to bring any kind of food I was going to have to make myself was like asking me to speak Chinese. I called Jenny for help and she was right there to accompany me to the grocery store and get all the right ingredients for a delicious Greek salad. We made it the night before at my apartment where nobody was home. All the while drinking Zimas. Yes, Zimas.
The next day, I was to meet up with his parents since their hotel was just down the street and we'd all take a cab to Brooklyn. Hoping to save money, I decided to walk there. It was only a block or two away. I was feeling good in my heels, jeans, and new top. I could carry this huge salad bowl a couple of blocks okay, couldn't I? Turned out to be a few more avenues over than I'd thought. Avenues are much longer than streets. I was sweating by the time I got to the hotel and I was sure my up-do would be ruined, but it stayed in place, thank goodness.
His folks were nice and everyone was in good spirits. Food was cooking, we were drinking wine. I remember thinking their friend from work was a little weird and thought it was pretty funny when he passed out from too much wine and stayed asleep on the couch almost the entire time.
I'm a picky eater. I did have turkey and I'm sure a few other things. There were many more dishes there that night than I'd ever be able to eat, the boys being from New Orleans and all. There were things I'd never even heard of. But at that point I would have sat there no matter what was being served. I will say that at some point in our "relationship", The Guy introduced me to grits and I loved them.
Before we ate, The Guy said we all had to "give thanks for the Deena". Now that was magical.
I did feel a little like I was betraying Jenny and Oscar, but being the great friends they are, they understood. I loved that Thanksgiving.
Afterward we had more wine and played video games. We were laughing and silly that night. Things went so well.
So I don't know why on earth just a few nights later...I kissed another boy.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
November 8
"It happened. He's...mine?! I'm going to his place for Thanksgiving, I'm meeting his parents. It's been an unexpected and interesting turn of events. I went from thinking we weren't on the same page to being consumed by jealousy to...this. It's hard for me to say it, because I'm not used to it and I still have reservations, even though I'm floating. After Industry Night he asked me what I liked about him. And I realized I had so much to say. I said, "I like that you're patient with me. I like that you're honest and straightforward. There's a vulnerability in you that I don't think even you see. And a something else I can't quite put my finger on that I saw before I ever knew you." I also like the way we can be silly and weird and laugh and I bring out the kid in him that I don't think anyone else does."
I would be spending Thanksgiving with The Guy, his brother Sean, their dad, stepmom, Ty, and another male friend of of theirs from work. I couldn't believe I got my wish! But of course, there was a catch. The Guy made it clear that I would not be introduced as a girlfriend.
Whenever I thought I was almost there...bam. Talk about so close yet so far away.
He claimed it was because he liked to keep that kind of stuff private and didn't want them to know his business or ask him a bunch of questions. I was just happy to be going and I told him it was fine with me. I mean, of course I would have loved to be introduced as his girl, but I was more than willing to let this one slide in order to spend this holiday with him. Once again, I scoured the city to find the perfect outfit.
I would also need to bring the perfect salad. Asking me to bring any kind of food I was going to have to make myself was like asking me to speak Chinese. I called Jenny for help and she was right there to accompany me to the grocery store and get all the right ingredients for a delicious Greek salad. We made it the night before at my apartment where nobody was home. All the while drinking Zimas. Yes, Zimas.
The next day, I was to meet up with his parents since their hotel was just down the street and we'd all take a cab to Brooklyn. Hoping to save money, I decided to walk there. It was only a block or two away. I was feeling good in my heels, jeans, and new top. I could carry this huge salad bowl a couple of blocks okay, couldn't I? Turned out to be a few more avenues over than I'd thought. Avenues are much longer than streets. I was sweating by the time I got to the hotel and I was sure my up-do would be ruined, but it stayed in place, thank goodness.
His folks were nice and everyone was in good spirits. Food was cooking, we were drinking wine. I remember thinking their friend from work was a little weird and thought it was pretty funny when he passed out from too much wine and stayed asleep on the couch almost the entire time.
I'm a picky eater. I did have turkey and I'm sure a few other things. There were many more dishes there that night than I'd ever be able to eat, the boys being from New Orleans and all. There were things I'd never even heard of. But at that point I would have sat there no matter what was being served. I will say that at some point in our "relationship", The Guy introduced me to grits and I loved them.
Before we ate, The Guy said we all had to "give thanks for the Deena". Now that was magical.
I did feel a little like I was betraying Jenny and Oscar, but being the great friends they are, they understood. I loved that Thanksgiving.
Afterward we had more wine and played video games. We were laughing and silly that night. Things went so well.
So I don't know why on earth just a few nights later...I kissed another boy.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Sep 19, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 21
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Halloween happened. We went to a huge party in a warehouse. The Guy, Lynn, Ty and another friend from school named Charles. Oscar had recently moved in with Charles and his on again/off again girlfriend, who also went to school with us. I don't remember what everyone went as, other than Charles was Hugh Hefner and I was a Moulin Rouge dancer. I had stressed and scoured the city to find the perfect red and black pieces to put together for this night. At the last minute as I was trying on my costume I almost chickened out and went as a Disco Girl instead. I'd never been out in such little clothing. But after we'd been at the party awhile I couldn't believe how liberating it was to run around in, well, your skivvies. I found it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, I got so brave that when we saw Theresa (the girl from the NYU party that was there with The Guy the night I took him away from her), I grabbed The Guy by the hand and marched him over to her for the two of us to say hi.
The sun was coming up. We'd lost track of Lynn and Ty. Charles was certainly playing his part, surrounded by ladies and making out. He was in no hurry to leave. Later he told us that a limo had taken him home! The Guy and I left to go back to his place. Later when I'd woken up and was ready to head back home, I realized I had a subway ride ahead of me and no clothes to wear! The Guy had to find something that would fit me that I could wear home. I ended up in strange and ill fitting pin striped pants, a black t-shirt and my heels. I think it took me quite awhile to return the clothes. I didn't care how ridiculous I looked, they belonged to They Guy!
Industry Night happened. This was something for ATC Alums only. Once you'd graduated you were able to chose a scene partner, your scene, and perform for industry folk. The Guy was now a graduate and that meant he could perform. Lynn and I were meeting him at school. He'd performed and was inside chatting with people. I wanted to let him have some time. But then more time went by. And more time. And then even more. Lynn and I were ready to go. Ty was ready to meet up. Why I didn't just go in and politely see if he was ready to leave the schmoozing is beyond me. I can only chalk it up to youth and ignorance, but instead I thought it best to poke my head in and with a whole lot of attitude tell him, "bye!" In front of everyone.
Oh god. He jumped up and was out the door, so fast. He thought he was waiting on us and was just killing time. Later this comes back in the midst of a fight and he tells me how I'd "emasculated him".
That night, our foursome and one of their guy friends ended up at the restaurant The Guy worked at. It was a fine dining restaurant and I don't know why it was closed that night. But it was, and they had the keys. We had a private party and helped ourselves to food and booze and made out on a table in a kitchen that looked right out of "Jurassic Park". It was a long and late night and it resulted in Lynn and I missing the entire day of school the next day. Shit. You remember what I told you in the beginning about missing? Even being late was unacceptable. I felt horrible. But The Guy seemed at the time a good reason to miss. He didn't have to work until late afternoon so I was able to spend the day with him. Things were going well, we were in good spirits and laid talking for a long time "about childhood things", my journal tells me.
"...fast forward, one night at our Usual Spot in Brooklyn. We drink, he introduces me as his friend. I comment on this and suddenly everything has snowballed out of control until I'm crying at his apartment. We can't come to an understanding on what we are. Him saying he has no interest of finding anyone else. He doesn't want to lose me...
...I ask him what I am to him, I need to hear something. He says, "you're my girl, you're my girl." I ask if he's sure. He says, "positive." But he says these things in a way that sounds 80% to shut me up and 20% to convince himself. So that's really where it was left. He's since then mentioned again hating labels, feeling trapped. So I feel stagnant again but am still sucking it up for him. Changing my own tune about it every day, anyway..."
Thanksgiving was about to happen. I was planning to spend it with my Holiday Kids, Jenny and Oscar but was secretly hoping The Guy would want to spend it with me. Would he? The big and final play would be announced and auditioned soon. What would it be? What kind of role would I get? I'd need to get my ass in gear and get to school. I didn't want to miss class again. I told myself it was not an option.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Halloween happened. We went to a huge party in a warehouse. The Guy, Lynn, Ty and another friend from school named Charles. Oscar had recently moved in with Charles and his on again/off again girlfriend, who also went to school with us. I don't remember what everyone went as, other than Charles was Hugh Hefner and I was a Moulin Rouge dancer. I had stressed and scoured the city to find the perfect red and black pieces to put together for this night. At the last minute as I was trying on my costume I almost chickened out and went as a Disco Girl instead. I'd never been out in such little clothing. But after we'd been at the party awhile I couldn't believe how liberating it was to run around in, well, your skivvies. I found it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, I got so brave that when we saw Theresa (the girl from the NYU party that was there with The Guy the night I took him away from her), I grabbed The Guy by the hand and marched him over to her for the two of us to say hi.
The sun was coming up. We'd lost track of Lynn and Ty. Charles was certainly playing his part, surrounded by ladies and making out. He was in no hurry to leave. Later he told us that a limo had taken him home! The Guy and I left to go back to his place. Later when I'd woken up and was ready to head back home, I realized I had a subway ride ahead of me and no clothes to wear! The Guy had to find something that would fit me that I could wear home. I ended up in strange and ill fitting pin striped pants, a black t-shirt and my heels. I think it took me quite awhile to return the clothes. I didn't care how ridiculous I looked, they belonged to They Guy!
Industry Night happened. This was something for ATC Alums only. Once you'd graduated you were able to chose a scene partner, your scene, and perform for industry folk. The Guy was now a graduate and that meant he could perform. Lynn and I were meeting him at school. He'd performed and was inside chatting with people. I wanted to let him have some time. But then more time went by. And more time. And then even more. Lynn and I were ready to go. Ty was ready to meet up. Why I didn't just go in and politely see if he was ready to leave the schmoozing is beyond me. I can only chalk it up to youth and ignorance, but instead I thought it best to poke my head in and with a whole lot of attitude tell him, "bye!" In front of everyone.
Oh god. He jumped up and was out the door, so fast. He thought he was waiting on us and was just killing time. Later this comes back in the midst of a fight and he tells me how I'd "emasculated him".
That night, our foursome and one of their guy friends ended up at the restaurant The Guy worked at. It was a fine dining restaurant and I don't know why it was closed that night. But it was, and they had the keys. We had a private party and helped ourselves to food and booze and made out on a table in a kitchen that looked right out of "Jurassic Park". It was a long and late night and it resulted in Lynn and I missing the entire day of school the next day. Shit. You remember what I told you in the beginning about missing? Even being late was unacceptable. I felt horrible. But The Guy seemed at the time a good reason to miss. He didn't have to work until late afternoon so I was able to spend the day with him. Things were going well, we were in good spirits and laid talking for a long time "about childhood things", my journal tells me.
"...fast forward, one night at our Usual Spot in Brooklyn. We drink, he introduces me as his friend. I comment on this and suddenly everything has snowballed out of control until I'm crying at his apartment. We can't come to an understanding on what we are. Him saying he has no interest of finding anyone else. He doesn't want to lose me...
...I ask him what I am to him, I need to hear something. He says, "you're my girl, you're my girl." I ask if he's sure. He says, "positive." But he says these things in a way that sounds 80% to shut me up and 20% to convince himself. So that's really where it was left. He's since then mentioned again hating labels, feeling trapped. So I feel stagnant again but am still sucking it up for him. Changing my own tune about it every day, anyway..."
Thanksgiving was about to happen. I was planning to spend it with my Holiday Kids, Jenny and Oscar but was secretly hoping The Guy would want to spend it with me. Would he? The big and final play would be announced and auditioned soon. What would it be? What kind of role would I get? I'd need to get my ass in gear and get to school. I didn't want to miss class again. I told myself it was not an option.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Sep 14, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 20
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sept. 14
"...I want The Guy to realize he wants to be with me, but I feel he doesn't know the real me to know that yet. Is it my fault? I feel like it's been harder lately with Ty always there."
School started. I was so excited to be in the same class with Lynn this time. It was also a relief to no longer have Martha around. I learned she wasn't the only one who either hadn't been invited back, or had quit. I still had Oscar, thank goodness.
I couldn't wait until we started doing school plays. The first one would be happening soon. It was called, "Museum" and it was a strange piece but a large cast. I see now how tricky it must have been for our teachers to choose a show that could include everyone. There was really only one "big" female role. That role went to Lynn. I thought the world of Lynn in every way. She was damn talented on top of being cute, fashionable, fun. In my eyes she had it all.
I was hardly in love with the play, but it was fun to see how our instructors saw and cast us. My role was one of the many small ones, I played the best friend to Lynn's character and we were at the museum to see the art work of an artist we were fanatic about and possibly the artist herself. It was alright, but I wanted my chance to do something, to do more.
I dyed my hair jet black. This was the beginning of me changing my hair regularly. I still do. It's been every length and every color. Now it's because I get bored with the same thing and I love to change it up. It's just hair. Back then I was trying to find myself and find how I could look and feel my best. Back then I didn't know how to take care of myself properly. I didn't know how to eat right or how to work out. I saw myself for the first and only time in my life gaining weight. Late nights of alcohol, food and lack of exercise was changing me. I hated it but I wasn't sure what to do. I remember the first day I came to school with my black hair and a teacher (who I always see in movies and on tv) passed me on the stairs and said, "you're so extreme, Deena!" I wasn't sure how to take that back then but now I think of it and can't help but laugh. I love that.
There were two girls in school with me who were absolutely stunning. Tall, skinny and gorgeous. I was so in awe. They were a couple years older. How did they look like that? What were their secrets? How do I do that? Supermodel 1 was super cool. She had the best clothes and was a bartender. I remember going to the bar she worked at one night and she made me a cosmo, my drink of choice. Seeing her there only made her cooler in my eyes. I remember nothing about her acting ability. I do remember she came to school on the first day of our second year even skinner. She walked in and we all did a double take. The difference was alarming. You know the scene in "Amelie", where she crumbles? There are those moments through life when you feel exactly like that and you know you'd crumble just the same if you could? That was one of those times.
Supermodel 2 was nice but could come across as prissy. She was from the midwest and seemed like it, although she'd lived in NYC for quite some time. She was very close with Harriet. They were a funny pair visually, night and day in height and looks. Supermodel 2 could not act her way out of a paper bag that first year. By the end of our second year I saw her do some work that impressed me. She'd grown leaps and bounds. It was a strange thing to witness. I think there is something to be said for natural talent but also for formal training. She learned a skill. She really was taught something she didn't inherently have.
Lynn and I were spending a ton of time together outside of school too. Which meant she'd hung out with me and The Guy...and had met and hit it off with Ty! Just when I was going to lose my mind with the constant threesome, Lynn was there to save the day. It was nothing short of magical to hit the town as a foursome and to have a girl friend to share it with.
Even so, I still had an underlying feeling that all was not quite as it should be. I wasn't completely satisfied.
What was I still searching for?
October 13
"Saturday night I went to a psychic with Lynn. Her reader was the one to sense my sadness but she told her not to advise me. That my decisions had to be made by only me, and I'd do it. Along the same lines my psychic told me to make my own decisions and not listen to advice or outside influences. He said the ones closest to me are the ones holding me back. He said this city is very draining to me. That I need to be around nature. He says I'll be here either 2-3 months or 2-3 years. He said he sees me doing what I came here to do and won't leave until I do it. He said this is where I need to be right now and the city is good for me in that respect. He says money wont be a problem for me. I'll be successful, have financial stability, have a business of my own. I'm a leader, not a follower. He said the west coast is where it will all happen. I'll travel a lot, maybe live in two places at once. He kept telling me how sensitive I am. My ora is blue. There has been, or is, or something a lot of backstabbers around me. He said this year has brought many changes and that I have to learn to be still. Not to backtrack, not move forward, but just be still. He says the sixteenth of next month there will be a big change. A big change is coming. Career and financial wise but that it will be very overwhelming and I'll feel like putting something to the side with so much on my plate. He says I need to be taking care of myself and working on me before I can really be in a relationship and when I do know me, guys will have more respect for me. He says the guy I'm with now will be someone I'll learn a lot from. It is a positive thing for me. I care about him a lot and want him to care about me, too and he does. But he has a lot going on he needs to sort out. He's trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. That he is sensitive. He's easily influenced by others and will do things they want him to do, even things he doesn't want to do himself. He said there is a communication problem with us. A distance. That I'm not getting what I want from him and that I wont wait around for him to come around. He says that I haven't met the one and wont for 3-5 years. By 2006 I will have. He says love comes to me but it isn't a matter of the right person at the right time yet. He says until then there will be other men and it will be good, or positive, I think, but they won't be it. He says the one I'm with now should not be what I should be focusing all my time and energy into. That I need to be open to other men. He mentioned a great friendship a couple of times. Lynns psychic told her she'd meet a photographer...she'd met Ty. My psychic told me to watch what I put into my body. That I'll have a long and healthy life. All of this weirded me out and made me sad but I don't believe the seeing into the future part. I think they're sensitive people who are good at picking up on others characters or sensitivity, and the future is all a gamble. I understand now how Kyle went to his psychic and then thought he was for awhile because I feel it, too. I feel is if there is a number of people I can sit down with and lay it all out to in a way that could be articulated to sound prophetic. Anyway. I get sooooo incredibly internal and over analytical. Negative and examining myself that I can't see the forest through the trees..."
I felt awkward that Lynn was now clued in to the fact that I wasn't completely happy. I know we talked a little bit about it afterward but I also wanted to down play it. We went for drinks after and she had some of her guy friends meet us. The only other thing I remember about that night was all of us drunkenly going into a deli for Ben & Jerrys that I just had to have. I was excited to get my favorite kind. We went back to her place and she put it in the microwave despite my protests. She kept in in there for far too long and when it came out it was practically soup.
If I'd been bummed before, now I was really bummed she'd just ruined my favorite ice cream.
Postcard for our show. Here is the front, all info & cast was listed on the back:
Shot from the show:
That's Lynn on the left. That's me with the black hair & black pants. See the girl holding the camera? That's Harriet. Next to her is Steve, who's room I took in my new apartment.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sept. 14
"...I want The Guy to realize he wants to be with me, but I feel he doesn't know the real me to know that yet. Is it my fault? I feel like it's been harder lately with Ty always there."
School started. I was so excited to be in the same class with Lynn this time. It was also a relief to no longer have Martha around. I learned she wasn't the only one who either hadn't been invited back, or had quit. I still had Oscar, thank goodness.
I couldn't wait until we started doing school plays. The first one would be happening soon. It was called, "Museum" and it was a strange piece but a large cast. I see now how tricky it must have been for our teachers to choose a show that could include everyone. There was really only one "big" female role. That role went to Lynn. I thought the world of Lynn in every way. She was damn talented on top of being cute, fashionable, fun. In my eyes she had it all.
I was hardly in love with the play, but it was fun to see how our instructors saw and cast us. My role was one of the many small ones, I played the best friend to Lynn's character and we were at the museum to see the art work of an artist we were fanatic about and possibly the artist herself. It was alright, but I wanted my chance to do something, to do more.
I dyed my hair jet black. This was the beginning of me changing my hair regularly. I still do. It's been every length and every color. Now it's because I get bored with the same thing and I love to change it up. It's just hair. Back then I was trying to find myself and find how I could look and feel my best. Back then I didn't know how to take care of myself properly. I didn't know how to eat right or how to work out. I saw myself for the first and only time in my life gaining weight. Late nights of alcohol, food and lack of exercise was changing me. I hated it but I wasn't sure what to do. I remember the first day I came to school with my black hair and a teacher (who I always see in movies and on tv) passed me on the stairs and said, "you're so extreme, Deena!" I wasn't sure how to take that back then but now I think of it and can't help but laugh. I love that.
There were two girls in school with me who were absolutely stunning. Tall, skinny and gorgeous. I was so in awe. They were a couple years older. How did they look like that? What were their secrets? How do I do that? Supermodel 1 was super cool. She had the best clothes and was a bartender. I remember going to the bar she worked at one night and she made me a cosmo, my drink of choice. Seeing her there only made her cooler in my eyes. I remember nothing about her acting ability. I do remember she came to school on the first day of our second year even skinner. She walked in and we all did a double take. The difference was alarming. You know the scene in "Amelie", where she crumbles? There are those moments through life when you feel exactly like that and you know you'd crumble just the same if you could? That was one of those times.
Supermodel 2 was nice but could come across as prissy. She was from the midwest and seemed like it, although she'd lived in NYC for quite some time. She was very close with Harriet. They were a funny pair visually, night and day in height and looks. Supermodel 2 could not act her way out of a paper bag that first year. By the end of our second year I saw her do some work that impressed me. She'd grown leaps and bounds. It was a strange thing to witness. I think there is something to be said for natural talent but also for formal training. She learned a skill. She really was taught something she didn't inherently have.
Lynn and I were spending a ton of time together outside of school too. Which meant she'd hung out with me and The Guy...and had met and hit it off with Ty! Just when I was going to lose my mind with the constant threesome, Lynn was there to save the day. It was nothing short of magical to hit the town as a foursome and to have a girl friend to share it with.
Even so, I still had an underlying feeling that all was not quite as it should be. I wasn't completely satisfied.
What was I still searching for?
October 13
"Saturday night I went to a psychic with Lynn. Her reader was the one to sense my sadness but she told her not to advise me. That my decisions had to be made by only me, and I'd do it. Along the same lines my psychic told me to make my own decisions and not listen to advice or outside influences. He said the ones closest to me are the ones holding me back. He said this city is very draining to me. That I need to be around nature. He says I'll be here either 2-3 months or 2-3 years. He said he sees me doing what I came here to do and won't leave until I do it. He said this is where I need to be right now and the city is good for me in that respect. He says money wont be a problem for me. I'll be successful, have financial stability, have a business of my own. I'm a leader, not a follower. He said the west coast is where it will all happen. I'll travel a lot, maybe live in two places at once. He kept telling me how sensitive I am. My ora is blue. There has been, or is, or something a lot of backstabbers around me. He said this year has brought many changes and that I have to learn to be still. Not to backtrack, not move forward, but just be still. He says the sixteenth of next month there will be a big change. A big change is coming. Career and financial wise but that it will be very overwhelming and I'll feel like putting something to the side with so much on my plate. He says I need to be taking care of myself and working on me before I can really be in a relationship and when I do know me, guys will have more respect for me. He says the guy I'm with now will be someone I'll learn a lot from. It is a positive thing for me. I care about him a lot and want him to care about me, too and he does. But he has a lot going on he needs to sort out. He's trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. That he is sensitive. He's easily influenced by others and will do things they want him to do, even things he doesn't want to do himself. He said there is a communication problem with us. A distance. That I'm not getting what I want from him and that I wont wait around for him to come around. He says that I haven't met the one and wont for 3-5 years. By 2006 I will have. He says love comes to me but it isn't a matter of the right person at the right time yet. He says until then there will be other men and it will be good, or positive, I think, but they won't be it. He says the one I'm with now should not be what I should be focusing all my time and energy into. That I need to be open to other men. He mentioned a great friendship a couple of times. Lynns psychic told her she'd meet a photographer...she'd met Ty. My psychic told me to watch what I put into my body. That I'll have a long and healthy life. All of this weirded me out and made me sad but I don't believe the seeing into the future part. I think they're sensitive people who are good at picking up on others characters or sensitivity, and the future is all a gamble. I understand now how Kyle went to his psychic and then thought he was for awhile because I feel it, too. I feel is if there is a number of people I can sit down with and lay it all out to in a way that could be articulated to sound prophetic. Anyway. I get sooooo incredibly internal and over analytical. Negative and examining myself that I can't see the forest through the trees..."
I felt awkward that Lynn was now clued in to the fact that I wasn't completely happy. I know we talked a little bit about it afterward but I also wanted to down play it. We went for drinks after and she had some of her guy friends meet us. The only other thing I remember about that night was all of us drunkenly going into a deli for Ben & Jerrys that I just had to have. I was excited to get my favorite kind. We went back to her place and she put it in the microwave despite my protests. She kept in in there for far too long and when it came out it was practically soup.
If I'd been bummed before, now I was really bummed she'd just ruined my favorite ice cream.
Postcard for our show. Here is the front, all info & cast was listed on the back:
Shot from the show:
That's Lynn on the left. That's me with the black hair & black pants. See the girl holding the camera? That's Harriet. Next to her is Steve, who's room I took in my new apartment.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Sep 13, 2011
Missoni for Target
* * * * * * * * *
9/14/2011 This just in! I went back to Target and was able to grab the last of it. The site is mostly out of stock! Finally got some items in accessories, beauty and more womens clothing. Now I think I've got more than enough. I've listed five amazing sold out items on Ebay! Find me there under shopdeenamarie and bid or share the links with your family / friends who might want it! Thanks!
* * * * * * * * *
I. Love. Missoni.
Somehow I only found out that Missoni for Target was coming today...late last night! Great, I thought. I'll go! I started getting ready around 10 am, thinking if I got there by even 11 that would be plenty of time. Uh...BARELY!
I walked in to nearly empty racks. Ladies hovering around as an employee was trying to hang up the few things that were left. She could hardly put anything on the rack without it being grabbed immediately. Some of these ladies already had carts full of the stuff. I managed to grab a few pieces to try on.
I went to accessories next only to see that all that was left was a single scarf.
There were shoes that I liked, but ultimately decided to pass on those.
The sleepwear was great, and I'm surprised more of it wasn't gone.
As I checked out, the cashier said they'd opened at 8 and people had waited outside! Oh!
I went to another target, this time starting at accessories. There was one item again. A pair of gloves and they were beautiful. My mom bought them! We looked at the home goods and I bought a mug for her and a pair of martini glasses for me.
We went to the mens department and they still had a couple of great cardigans and scarfs left. I grabbed a cardigan for my sweetheart and we headed over to the womens. Even less!
I'm happy I got what I did! I didn't expect people to go so crazy for it in SLC, who knew?
It was the line I was most excited to hear was coming to Target & apparently I'm not the only one.
The Target site has been down all day, so I decided to check ebay and there are already tons of items up...and selling for much more than I just paid for them at the store. I had a split second of considering putting them up there...but I couldn't bear to part with them.
My first Missoni pieces! It's a big day :)
My new sweater skirt:
My sweater. This is my fav:
Missoni Martini:
Men's Missoni:
Gloves my mom got:
9/14/2011 This just in! I went back to Target and was able to grab the last of it. The site is mostly out of stock! Finally got some items in accessories, beauty and more womens clothing. Now I think I've got more than enough. I've listed five amazing sold out items on Ebay! Find me there under shopdeenamarie and bid or share the links with your family / friends who might want it! Thanks!
* * * * * * * * *
I. Love. Missoni.
Somehow I only found out that Missoni for Target was coming today...late last night! Great, I thought. I'll go! I started getting ready around 10 am, thinking if I got there by even 11 that would be plenty of time. Uh...BARELY!
I walked in to nearly empty racks. Ladies hovering around as an employee was trying to hang up the few things that were left. She could hardly put anything on the rack without it being grabbed immediately. Some of these ladies already had carts full of the stuff. I managed to grab a few pieces to try on.
I went to accessories next only to see that all that was left was a single scarf.
There were shoes that I liked, but ultimately decided to pass on those.
The sleepwear was great, and I'm surprised more of it wasn't gone.
As I checked out, the cashier said they'd opened at 8 and people had waited outside! Oh!
I went to another target, this time starting at accessories. There was one item again. A pair of gloves and they were beautiful. My mom bought them! We looked at the home goods and I bought a mug for her and a pair of martini glasses for me.
We went to the mens department and they still had a couple of great cardigans and scarfs left. I grabbed a cardigan for my sweetheart and we headed over to the womens. Even less!
I'm happy I got what I did! I didn't expect people to go so crazy for it in SLC, who knew?
It was the line I was most excited to hear was coming to Target & apparently I'm not the only one.
The Target site has been down all day, so I decided to check ebay and there are already tons of items up...and selling for much more than I just paid for them at the store. I had a split second of considering putting them up there...but I couldn't bear to part with them.
My first Missoni pieces! It's a big day :)
My new sweater skirt:
My sweater. This is my fav:
Missoni Martini:
Men's Missoni:
Gloves my mom got:
Sep 12, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 19
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I need to back up. It was super important to me that I wrote my 9/11 blog yesterday on the anniversary, and thank you for reading and commenting. Writing it on that day when my emotions and memories were on the surface the way they were couldn't have happened today, or the day before yesterday. I am so proud of that entry. It wrote itself. I may not always see many comments from you readers but my blog had hundreds of hits yesterday. It was quite a feeling to get that out and I appreciate you taking the time to read and supporting more than you know. I did talk on the phone with Jenny yesterday and got a nice message from Rachel and it meant the world to me. Jenny may be coming to visit me in November! But in jumping ahead in my diaries to September, I've left some important things out of my story. So I'm going to backtrack to July and August for this entry. Let's jump in!
I spent the fourth of July with Jenny and Oscar. Once again, our threesome was together on a holiday. We liked it that way. We went out to eat. Mexican food. Twice in one day, actually. Margaritas, fireworks by the river. We called ourselves the Holiday Kids since we always spent them together. Sometimes we found another reason for the three of us to go out and we'd justify any indulging by saying it was either a holiday or a celebration, regardless.
Once Jenny and I were in a pet store and saw some little hamsters being attacked by other hamsters. It freaked us out. Especially Jenny and she bought the two little ones that had been hurt. She named them Holiday and Celebration, of course.
One night, I was out with The Guy. I was having a magical time. Dinner then drinks at our usual spot in Brooklyn.
July 30
"..there was something in the air. Some romance, some something. A little more intense...a little more...
...all is right in the world. Then a bomb drops. "I don't know how much longer I'll be here". WHAT?! He and Ty are leaving for Los Angeles, trying for November and it sounds like if he likes it, he'll be moving there. I'm sure he'll like it. So...what? I was sad. Well, not sad, just thrown off. All night, and a little this morning. I've hashed through it all day, know how I need to handle it, put it in perspective, but...I don't know. The next morning we lay together. Like always the alarm goes off a thousand times, he hits snooze. I drift in and out of consciousness. He always seems to be asleep. Sometimes the air conditioner goes on, or the CD in the alarm starts. He jumps, wakes, repositions himself. Sometimes kisses my shoulder or forehead. Then we get up. And he made me breakfast! Eggs, toast, coffee. I like so much the little things, I realize. The fact he knows just how to make my coffee. I go in to wash my dishes and see he left his cup of coffee. I ask him if he wants it and just the act of bringing his cup from the kitchen to put on his tray...I can't even describe it..."
...I remember when my Old Flame was leaving for college...
*The Old Flame. This is a reference to a kind-of-ex-boyfriend who was a year older than me. We'd gone to high school together and in the spring of my junior year I decided I had a crush on him. I very, very rarely liked boys who went to my same school. I remember thinking he wasn't really my type and I waited awhile to announce to my friends who my crush was. Right when I decided I liked him, he got super sick and wasn't sure if he'd be returning to school. My friends and I skipped school one day to go to his house and deliver a flower with a note attached, "from your secret admirer". Me. When he found out it was me he was excited, made a recovery, and took me to the prom. I was super into him then he turned into a super asshole.
...I remember being with him on a friends porch - for the last time. I remember having our arms around each other, and for a split second he held me tight. I tried to get him to do it again, he wouldn't respond, so I, of course was left feeling stagnant. But for that split second - well it spoke volumes. I don't know if I ever mentioned that he later, much later (and recently), told my friends he wanted me to know he was sorry for the way he'd treated me...
...The Guy. What are we? For the love of god, can he just say something?"
August 4
"Today is...I'm weirded out about things. I can never shake the feeling I'm meant for things other than this world. Era. State. Life. Place. Everything. For a while now, really since spring the feeling to travel, to leave the country has been present. Strong. Can't I take take off to Europe, Africa, Thailand, tropical islands, rain forests. Make do with bare necessities, live in a straw hut? Travel, adventures, excitement. Whey do I feel like I still don't have the answers? Why do I feel like I'm still not where I belong? I know I don't want to move home. I couldn't settle there. Why am I doubting? I know I couldn't settle in NYC. I can't imagine it for another ten to twenty years. I don't know if I have the stamina to give my life to this the rest of my life. If it doesn't happen soon, could I live like this? Immersed in this world? I'm tired already. I feel like I've been there, seen it, done it. I never feel home. I'm never home."
August 11
..."I do realize the importance to me of keeping all these writings, reflecting on them. I can't believe all the stages, relationships, mindsets, personality changes I've gone through. Anyway, at least tonight I feel like I'm embracing myself. Where I am, who I am, my age, etc. And after a day of doubting my career choice I'm back to knowing it's my life. Something I'm becoming aware of, however, is keeping who I am now in perspective with who I used to be."
August 19
So guess where I was last night? All the guesses in the world and I never would have thought I'd be there. I had to lie, beg, and actually cry to get in [bar in the village] but there I was. The Star's 33rd birthday party.
* The Star. This was a guy I met the year before I moved to NYC. I met him at working at the Sundance Theatre Lab in UT. I was there to help with one of the projects and was assigned to a piece with a cast of three men. One of the men was Stephen Lang. The other two were actors with very impressive credits, including The Star who had worked on Broadway and in soap operas. He was older, he was handsome and I was impressed. Right when he arrived to Sundance, his girlfriend let him know she'd fallen in love with her co-star and was promptly moving out of their apartment. "Actors are so weird", I thought. And still do. Self included. There was a big party one night and by the end of the night we kissed. That changed everything. Suddenly here was The Star bringing little helper girl me coffee and breakfast every morning, rather than the other way around. I felt like the Queen of Sheeba. I stayed up at his condo with him a time or two. I was nervous around him but it was a dreamy two week whirlwind. If you're a theatre/actor type you wouldn't believe the workshops I saw, who was there, who hooked up with who. Maybe sometime I'll tell you. It was unreal. The Star went back to NYC when it was over and there was talk to get in touch when I was out there one day. I don't remember how or when I contacted him but I remember the birthday party. I am big into making mental and emotional notes of the timing of things. The way things unfold and the way in which paths cross. The irony and synchronicity constantly amazes me. If you pay close attention, you'll fell the world is tailored just for you. Years later, I'd be spending a summer day with the man who would ultimately become my husband. This particular day I'd have a strange call from a friend of the Old Flame about the Old Flame, and as the Tony awards aired that night and I sat watching in SLC side by side with this new man, I saw in the audience...The Star...on the arm of a woman who was nominated for a Tony! I still can't help but smile over all of it.
...so here was the day. Bound to happen. Did I need to get him out of my system? Did I need to finish what was started? Was I causing this trouble for myself to shake things up because things with The Guy felt too real? My feelings for him too real?
...I was excited to see him again. I was also worried. Worried feelings could strike again. I'm walking through the bar, looking for him. Was he there yet? And there, at the back of the bar his face jumped out at me. I wanted to take a moment to collect myself. To look at him. But he saw me. Doing a double take, it registered that it was me. Well, I had no idea what to expect but there we were. My initial reaction was opposite of what I thought. It was The Star...it was just...The Star. I was almost a little disappointed. I think maybe I wanted to feel that feeling. It was so rare. But yet...I'd still planned to see him. See how this will unfold. What comes of it. I wondered if there'd be a girl? But come to find out he's "very single". I told him I was "very surprised". I also told him I was single. It crossed my mind to say I date...but it didn't come out. He said he was surprised, and weren't guys hitting on me all the time in NYC? My response was, "yeah, but not the right ones". I don't know what I'm doing here. But he said I was beautiful. He held my hand for a moment. He sat by me. He did give me a lot of attention. Easy to talk to. We actually made a lot of plans. Tomorrow morning I'm watching him play softball. We want to go dancing, go to a movie. He's having a party in two weekends, he wants me to go. So...we did kiss goodnight. Not a big kiss. So all night I had an underlying feeling that my heart is with The Guy. I wanted to see, to hear from him desperately. I needed to "test" him today. He had to call me during the day. It was past three, no call. Suddenly at three minutes to five...he called. We're going to see each other tomorrow night. I told him I feel like it's been forever since I'd seen him. I was so happy to hear from him. To hear his voice. It's important to listen to my heart right now. If The Guy and I commit, how do I disregard The Star? I don't feel insecure about the age difference, but I wondered what it would be like with all these older friends, actors, Yale alums. But he made it a point to always introduce me. His friends were great. After awhile I felt like I was the girl."
And now we're caught up to yesterdays entry. Summer intensive at NYU's CAP21 is over. I'm living in Manhattan. Rachel's visited. 9/11 has now happened. And the start of school was only postponed by a day or two if I remember correctly. I never could have seen it coming, but there's only approximately ten months to the rest of this New York City tale. And this is the beginning of that next chapter.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I need to back up. It was super important to me that I wrote my 9/11 blog yesterday on the anniversary, and thank you for reading and commenting. Writing it on that day when my emotions and memories were on the surface the way they were couldn't have happened today, or the day before yesterday. I am so proud of that entry. It wrote itself. I may not always see many comments from you readers but my blog had hundreds of hits yesterday. It was quite a feeling to get that out and I appreciate you taking the time to read and supporting more than you know. I did talk on the phone with Jenny yesterday and got a nice message from Rachel and it meant the world to me. Jenny may be coming to visit me in November! But in jumping ahead in my diaries to September, I've left some important things out of my story. So I'm going to backtrack to July and August for this entry. Let's jump in!
I spent the fourth of July with Jenny and Oscar. Once again, our threesome was together on a holiday. We liked it that way. We went out to eat. Mexican food. Twice in one day, actually. Margaritas, fireworks by the river. We called ourselves the Holiday Kids since we always spent them together. Sometimes we found another reason for the three of us to go out and we'd justify any indulging by saying it was either a holiday or a celebration, regardless.
Once Jenny and I were in a pet store and saw some little hamsters being attacked by other hamsters. It freaked us out. Especially Jenny and she bought the two little ones that had been hurt. She named them Holiday and Celebration, of course.
One night, I was out with The Guy. I was having a magical time. Dinner then drinks at our usual spot in Brooklyn.
July 30
"..there was something in the air. Some romance, some something. A little more intense...a little more...
...all is right in the world. Then a bomb drops. "I don't know how much longer I'll be here". WHAT?! He and Ty are leaving for Los Angeles, trying for November and it sounds like if he likes it, he'll be moving there. I'm sure he'll like it. So...what? I was sad. Well, not sad, just thrown off. All night, and a little this morning. I've hashed through it all day, know how I need to handle it, put it in perspective, but...I don't know. The next morning we lay together. Like always the alarm goes off a thousand times, he hits snooze. I drift in and out of consciousness. He always seems to be asleep. Sometimes the air conditioner goes on, or the CD in the alarm starts. He jumps, wakes, repositions himself. Sometimes kisses my shoulder or forehead. Then we get up. And he made me breakfast! Eggs, toast, coffee. I like so much the little things, I realize. The fact he knows just how to make my coffee. I go in to wash my dishes and see he left his cup of coffee. I ask him if he wants it and just the act of bringing his cup from the kitchen to put on his tray...I can't even describe it..."
...I remember when my Old Flame was leaving for college...
*The Old Flame. This is a reference to a kind-of-ex-boyfriend who was a year older than me. We'd gone to high school together and in the spring of my junior year I decided I had a crush on him. I very, very rarely liked boys who went to my same school. I remember thinking he wasn't really my type and I waited awhile to announce to my friends who my crush was. Right when I decided I liked him, he got super sick and wasn't sure if he'd be returning to school. My friends and I skipped school one day to go to his house and deliver a flower with a note attached, "from your secret admirer". Me. When he found out it was me he was excited, made a recovery, and took me to the prom. I was super into him then he turned into a super asshole.
...I remember being with him on a friends porch - for the last time. I remember having our arms around each other, and for a split second he held me tight. I tried to get him to do it again, he wouldn't respond, so I, of course was left feeling stagnant. But for that split second - well it spoke volumes. I don't know if I ever mentioned that he later, much later (and recently), told my friends he wanted me to know he was sorry for the way he'd treated me...
...The Guy. What are we? For the love of god, can he just say something?"
August 4
"Today is...I'm weirded out about things. I can never shake the feeling I'm meant for things other than this world. Era. State. Life. Place. Everything. For a while now, really since spring the feeling to travel, to leave the country has been present. Strong. Can't I take take off to Europe, Africa, Thailand, tropical islands, rain forests. Make do with bare necessities, live in a straw hut? Travel, adventures, excitement. Whey do I feel like I still don't have the answers? Why do I feel like I'm still not where I belong? I know I don't want to move home. I couldn't settle there. Why am I doubting? I know I couldn't settle in NYC. I can't imagine it for another ten to twenty years. I don't know if I have the stamina to give my life to this the rest of my life. If it doesn't happen soon, could I live like this? Immersed in this world? I'm tired already. I feel like I've been there, seen it, done it. I never feel home. I'm never home."
August 11
..."I do realize the importance to me of keeping all these writings, reflecting on them. I can't believe all the stages, relationships, mindsets, personality changes I've gone through. Anyway, at least tonight I feel like I'm embracing myself. Where I am, who I am, my age, etc. And after a day of doubting my career choice I'm back to knowing it's my life. Something I'm becoming aware of, however, is keeping who I am now in perspective with who I used to be."
August 19
So guess where I was last night? All the guesses in the world and I never would have thought I'd be there. I had to lie, beg, and actually cry to get in [bar in the village] but there I was. The Star's 33rd birthday party.
* The Star. This was a guy I met the year before I moved to NYC. I met him at working at the Sundance Theatre Lab in UT. I was there to help with one of the projects and was assigned to a piece with a cast of three men. One of the men was Stephen Lang. The other two were actors with very impressive credits, including The Star who had worked on Broadway and in soap operas. He was older, he was handsome and I was impressed. Right when he arrived to Sundance, his girlfriend let him know she'd fallen in love with her co-star and was promptly moving out of their apartment. "Actors are so weird", I thought. And still do. Self included. There was a big party one night and by the end of the night we kissed. That changed everything. Suddenly here was The Star bringing little helper girl me coffee and breakfast every morning, rather than the other way around. I felt like the Queen of Sheeba. I stayed up at his condo with him a time or two. I was nervous around him but it was a dreamy two week whirlwind. If you're a theatre/actor type you wouldn't believe the workshops I saw, who was there, who hooked up with who. Maybe sometime I'll tell you. It was unreal. The Star went back to NYC when it was over and there was talk to get in touch when I was out there one day. I don't remember how or when I contacted him but I remember the birthday party. I am big into making mental and emotional notes of the timing of things. The way things unfold and the way in which paths cross. The irony and synchronicity constantly amazes me. If you pay close attention, you'll fell the world is tailored just for you. Years later, I'd be spending a summer day with the man who would ultimately become my husband. This particular day I'd have a strange call from a friend of the Old Flame about the Old Flame, and as the Tony awards aired that night and I sat watching in SLC side by side with this new man, I saw in the audience...The Star...on the arm of a woman who was nominated for a Tony! I still can't help but smile over all of it.
...so here was the day. Bound to happen. Did I need to get him out of my system? Did I need to finish what was started? Was I causing this trouble for myself to shake things up because things with The Guy felt too real? My feelings for him too real?
...I was excited to see him again. I was also worried. Worried feelings could strike again. I'm walking through the bar, looking for him. Was he there yet? And there, at the back of the bar his face jumped out at me. I wanted to take a moment to collect myself. To look at him. But he saw me. Doing a double take, it registered that it was me. Well, I had no idea what to expect but there we were. My initial reaction was opposite of what I thought. It was The Star...it was just...The Star. I was almost a little disappointed. I think maybe I wanted to feel that feeling. It was so rare. But yet...I'd still planned to see him. See how this will unfold. What comes of it. I wondered if there'd be a girl? But come to find out he's "very single". I told him I was "very surprised". I also told him I was single. It crossed my mind to say I date...but it didn't come out. He said he was surprised, and weren't guys hitting on me all the time in NYC? My response was, "yeah, but not the right ones". I don't know what I'm doing here. But he said I was beautiful. He held my hand for a moment. He sat by me. He did give me a lot of attention. Easy to talk to. We actually made a lot of plans. Tomorrow morning I'm watching him play softball. We want to go dancing, go to a movie. He's having a party in two weekends, he wants me to go. So...we did kiss goodnight. Not a big kiss. So all night I had an underlying feeling that my heart is with The Guy. I wanted to see, to hear from him desperately. I needed to "test" him today. He had to call me during the day. It was past three, no call. Suddenly at three minutes to five...he called. We're going to see each other tomorrow night. I told him I feel like it's been forever since I'd seen him. I was so happy to hear from him. To hear his voice. It's important to listen to my heart right now. If The Guy and I commit, how do I disregard The Star? I don't feel insecure about the age difference, but I wondered what it would be like with all these older friends, actors, Yale alums. But he made it a point to always introduce me. His friends were great. After awhile I felt like I was the girl."
And now we're caught up to yesterdays entry. Summer intensive at NYU's CAP21 is over. I'm living in Manhattan. Rachel's visited. 9/11 has now happened. And the start of school was only postponed by a day or two if I remember correctly. I never could have seen it coming, but there's only approximately ten months to the rest of this New York City tale. And this is the beginning of that next chapter.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Sep 11, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 18, SEPTEMBER 11
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Isn't it funny that a few months ago I started the process of recalling, re-reading and writing my "New York Diaries" and here we are, caught up to September 11, 2001 exactly 10 years to the date?
I have a very strong and what I've always felt was a very strange reaction to the events of September 11th. Now that I'm no longer living in NYC, when someone brings it up here at home my stomach drops. My first reaction is wanting to say, "but you weren't even there!" And my second reaction is catching myself and telling myself how dare I think I have any kind of a story to contribute when nothing directly affected me. I didn't lose a parent, friend, sibling or spouse. I wasn't injured. I didn't lose a job. I didn't loose my life.
But I still have a visceral reaction to it.
Back then I don't think I knew what to make of it or how to process it. I'm learning I still don't. I've also recently realized (as in within the last few days) that my story is one to share, and that it's okay for me to talk about. It's okay to say I was there. It's okay to have had my experience. It's okay for someone who was not there to be affected by it. Because it did happen to me, just like it did happen to you.
It happened to the world.
I've been sick with a terrible cold all week. Last night I stopped by a party because otherwise I would have been alone most of the evening. I was torn. With this weekend being what it is, I didn't want to be alone...and yet I didn't want to go because I was worried people would be talking about it. I didn't want anyone to say "Deena was there!" Especially because it's taken a decade to get to this particular weekend and I'm feeling even more strange and emotional then I'd thought I would. I feel so far away and yet so close to it all. So much safer and yet so much more aware that the unexpected could happen at any moment.
"Take a minute to remember where you were on September eleventh", they kept saying on tv the other night. I couldn't stand it. Are you kidding me? I can remember that day and the days to follow very clearly, thank you. The phone calls home, the empty streets and the smells are burned into my memory forever (more on that in a minute). But I did take a minute to soak in the fact that 10 years have passed. I'm a decade older and look at all that's happened since then.
I went to bed last night slightly nervous and anticipating how I'd feel waking up today. I just wanted to get to today and get through it. I woke up under very different circumstances then I did 10 years ago. I woke up in my cozy home with my sweetheart and my puppy excited and whimpering. I've made a pot of coffee, I've gotten on my computer to write this. The first thoughts that went through my head, though, were the ones about the way I woke up on this day one decade ago.
I had been out late the night before and didn't have anything to do other than sleep in. Cozy in my new room in my Manhattan apartment, at last! It was small but it was furnished to the best of my abilities. My futon in one corner, a little shelf next to my new bamboo dresser with my tiny tv on top. A rug, a comfy black char and on the top of the chair was my nokia cell phone with a baby blue cover. It lived on top of the chair at night, so that I could have it plugged into the outlet behind the chair. No alarm needed to be set and I was in a deep sleep. Probably a little hungover. I don't know. I wish I could remember where I was the night before.
I was somewhat aware that my phone was ringing all through the morning. I figured it was my mom or a friend, wondered why they were calling so early and would drift back to sleep. Then it started to seem a little strange. Who is calling me this much? What's going on? I got up and had messages from parents and friends but for some reason the only one I can remember was from Rachel. I remember her saying the words, "you must be so scared right now". I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I wondered what in the world had happened, so I turned on my little tv on top of my new dresser to see if it was something I'd be able to learn about on the news.
There was the footage of the planes flying into the Twin Towers. "What a horrible accident", I thought. I couldn't believe the odds. How could these planes have accidentally flown into buildings like this? But then it all began to unfold.
My parents didn't know where I was in relation to where this was happening. I think I started right then to do all I could to make it not about me. "No, no, no, this is way downtown. I'm on 44th street. Nowhere near it. This won't affect me."
I don't know if I talked to The Guy, I must have, but I don't remember what was said.
At some point Jenny got into the city from where she was now living in Queens. She was supposed to show up at work but when she got there the restaurant wasn't going to be opened so she came over. We were together the entire day. When I think of that day I think of Jenny. Once again, what would I have done without her?
We watched tv all day and weren't sure what this meant or what NYC was going to be like. That night, the next day, this week, this month. I don't know how far ahead I thought back then. The younger you are the more immediate everything is. What did this all mean? Why were things closing? Could I take the subway? Could I leave on a plane if I had to? What should I do? How should I feel?
My roommate, Liz, the one who owned the apartment worked down there. She came home late that night having had to walk most of the way covered from head to toe in a white soot. I remember she was going to go out and drink and invited us, but that just felt too weird.
Jenny and I felt like we had to do something. Should we get dinner? Should we see if we could donate blood? We were going to have to walk it. I'll never forget that walk. It was nothing short of eerie. The streets were empty. No cars, maybe a person here and there. Everything was closed. Where was everyone?
It turned out we couldn't donate because there were more than enough volunteers. We went back to my apartment.
It was almost too much to take in. I don't know if I was as scared on that day as I was baffled and putting on my bravest face.
In my NYC journals, I've got an entry on August 19 and then it skips to Sept 12. On the 12th it's a paragraph that must have been taken from a movie or a play, I'm not sure where it's from. Friday Sept. 14 is the next real entry I've got.
I may not remember what happened on exact dates right after, but I do remember my growing fear. For what seemed like a long time after, even Times Square was nearly empty. What had happened to this magical city I'd wanted to move to since I was 9 years old? Where was everyone? What was this invisible, somber veil that had fallen over my new home? Was it going to be like this forever? Everyone was scared. There was talk on tv about subways being bombed. Did I even dare ride it right now?
A night or two after the attack, there was going to be a candlelight vigil at Union Square and I was going to meet The Guy. I had to hop on the subway and what was a short ride seemed too long for comfort to me. I was alone, I was underground and felt claustrophobic. I was shaking and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.
When I got out near 14th street, this was the closest to the towers I'd been since it happened. I was searching for The Guy in a crowd of people, still shaking and heart still pounding. I can feel it all again as I type this.
He was a lot calmer than I was. He seemed to be surprised I was as upset as I was. There was something in the air. I didn't want to stay there long. It was burning my eyes. And that smell. I'll never forget that smell. The only way I've ever been able to describe it...is it smelled like death. I didn't want to stay. I didn't want to breathe it in.
I was going to post the Sept. 14th entry but as I re-read it, it's so intimate I think I'm going to keep it just for me. I will tell you a little about it, however. I write about knowing I should be documenting what's happening "for my future grandchildren". But I really don't write about it. I've always been this way. When something is so big, I often don't take the time to feel the impact or deal with it until much later. It's my protection, my defense. I do write about finally being able to stay with The Guy in the "midst of so much chaos" and how it was so nice to shut ourselves off, just for a night, "in the middle of what could be a war". That night I felt "protected, shut away in another world". The next afternoon, "we slept on and off. We were tightly wrapped and intertwined, tossing and turning occasionally but always finding each other. Always holding each other. My heart was pounding.".
As I look back on all of this, I see that where I might not have had the words of comfort I'd been looking for from him, I was grateful to have a person to be with right then. That maybe actions did speak a little louder than words and I don't know what I would have done without having someone to just hold me.
I have come to learn over the years that 9/11 did have a greater impact on me than I knew. It made me experience a fear I'd never known. It changed everything about the joy I'd had in flying and my airport experiences as I'd travel back and forth from NYC to SLC. I used to love it. Then I hated it. I still do.
I remember after I'd left NYC and moved home seeing a special on 9/11 some years later and as they explained step by step and showed in animation what happened exactly to the buildings as the planes hit. It was the zillionth time I'd seen it. I felt like I'd never escape the footage in the years right after. But this time, I tried to really listen. I truly tried to let it sink in and I let out some emotion for the first time.
I didn't know I had any to let out still, until this 10 year anniversary weekend approached. I have felt a tidal wave of emotion just under the surface. I've kept in under control but I'm pretty sure there will be tears at some point today. It's just too big. It's just too much. I know it will come out at some point. Maybe when I talk to Jenny via phone later.
I see now how this part fits into the tale of "My NYC Diaries" and perhaps explains a lot I didn't even know until a decade had gone by, until I'd grown up a little and gained some perspective. All this time I felt like I didn't have a right to feel impacted by 9/11. But I see now this was a part of my story, something that happened in not only my lifetime, but the most impressionable time in my life and in the very city I was living in. I see why Jenny was and is so special to me and why I was so attached to The Guy.
It's a lot. It's a lot to take in.
It's a piecing together of the puzzle of my life and what has made me me. Why I react the way I do and that it's okay to feel how I feel. What would it have been like if it would have happened now? Or in ten years from now? Or twenty? Or if I had been five? Or if I hadn't been in NYC? Would I have been impacted differently? Absolutely. But the fact that I was where I was when I was makes it my story.
I'm not sure how to end this post, other than to tell you this was just the cathartic thing I needed. It's taken me ten years to be ready to share it and to realize as I said in the beginning that it happened to the world. That while it happened to people in varying degrees, some less and some far greater than I could ever imagine, that it happened to me too.
I was in the world when it happened and I have my own little story to tell.
It may not be the story you expected or the story you hear often. It's not a political story, but a coming of age story. A little slice of life. And it's mine.
And there you have it.
* * * * * *
In July of this year when I went to NYC I went to see the construction where the towers once stood. It was dark and you couldn't get too close, but I did manage to get this picture...
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Isn't it funny that a few months ago I started the process of recalling, re-reading and writing my "New York Diaries" and here we are, caught up to September 11, 2001 exactly 10 years to the date?
I have a very strong and what I've always felt was a very strange reaction to the events of September 11th. Now that I'm no longer living in NYC, when someone brings it up here at home my stomach drops. My first reaction is wanting to say, "but you weren't even there!" And my second reaction is catching myself and telling myself how dare I think I have any kind of a story to contribute when nothing directly affected me. I didn't lose a parent, friend, sibling or spouse. I wasn't injured. I didn't lose a job. I didn't loose my life.
But I still have a visceral reaction to it.
Back then I don't think I knew what to make of it or how to process it. I'm learning I still don't. I've also recently realized (as in within the last few days) that my story is one to share, and that it's okay for me to talk about. It's okay to say I was there. It's okay to have had my experience. It's okay for someone who was not there to be affected by it. Because it did happen to me, just like it did happen to you.
It happened to the world.
I've been sick with a terrible cold all week. Last night I stopped by a party because otherwise I would have been alone most of the evening. I was torn. With this weekend being what it is, I didn't want to be alone...and yet I didn't want to go because I was worried people would be talking about it. I didn't want anyone to say "Deena was there!" Especially because it's taken a decade to get to this particular weekend and I'm feeling even more strange and emotional then I'd thought I would. I feel so far away and yet so close to it all. So much safer and yet so much more aware that the unexpected could happen at any moment.
"Take a minute to remember where you were on September eleventh", they kept saying on tv the other night. I couldn't stand it. Are you kidding me? I can remember that day and the days to follow very clearly, thank you. The phone calls home, the empty streets and the smells are burned into my memory forever (more on that in a minute). But I did take a minute to soak in the fact that 10 years have passed. I'm a decade older and look at all that's happened since then.
I went to bed last night slightly nervous and anticipating how I'd feel waking up today. I just wanted to get to today and get through it. I woke up under very different circumstances then I did 10 years ago. I woke up in my cozy home with my sweetheart and my puppy excited and whimpering. I've made a pot of coffee, I've gotten on my computer to write this. The first thoughts that went through my head, though, were the ones about the way I woke up on this day one decade ago.
I had been out late the night before and didn't have anything to do other than sleep in. Cozy in my new room in my Manhattan apartment, at last! It was small but it was furnished to the best of my abilities. My futon in one corner, a little shelf next to my new bamboo dresser with my tiny tv on top. A rug, a comfy black char and on the top of the chair was my nokia cell phone with a baby blue cover. It lived on top of the chair at night, so that I could have it plugged into the outlet behind the chair. No alarm needed to be set and I was in a deep sleep. Probably a little hungover. I don't know. I wish I could remember where I was the night before.
I was somewhat aware that my phone was ringing all through the morning. I figured it was my mom or a friend, wondered why they were calling so early and would drift back to sleep. Then it started to seem a little strange. Who is calling me this much? What's going on? I got up and had messages from parents and friends but for some reason the only one I can remember was from Rachel. I remember her saying the words, "you must be so scared right now". I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I wondered what in the world had happened, so I turned on my little tv on top of my new dresser to see if it was something I'd be able to learn about on the news.
There was the footage of the planes flying into the Twin Towers. "What a horrible accident", I thought. I couldn't believe the odds. How could these planes have accidentally flown into buildings like this? But then it all began to unfold.
My parents didn't know where I was in relation to where this was happening. I think I started right then to do all I could to make it not about me. "No, no, no, this is way downtown. I'm on 44th street. Nowhere near it. This won't affect me."
I don't know if I talked to The Guy, I must have, but I don't remember what was said.
At some point Jenny got into the city from where she was now living in Queens. She was supposed to show up at work but when she got there the restaurant wasn't going to be opened so she came over. We were together the entire day. When I think of that day I think of Jenny. Once again, what would I have done without her?
We watched tv all day and weren't sure what this meant or what NYC was going to be like. That night, the next day, this week, this month. I don't know how far ahead I thought back then. The younger you are the more immediate everything is. What did this all mean? Why were things closing? Could I take the subway? Could I leave on a plane if I had to? What should I do? How should I feel?
My roommate, Liz, the one who owned the apartment worked down there. She came home late that night having had to walk most of the way covered from head to toe in a white soot. I remember she was going to go out and drink and invited us, but that just felt too weird.
Jenny and I felt like we had to do something. Should we get dinner? Should we see if we could donate blood? We were going to have to walk it. I'll never forget that walk. It was nothing short of eerie. The streets were empty. No cars, maybe a person here and there. Everything was closed. Where was everyone?
It turned out we couldn't donate because there were more than enough volunteers. We went back to my apartment.
It was almost too much to take in. I don't know if I was as scared on that day as I was baffled and putting on my bravest face.
In my NYC journals, I've got an entry on August 19 and then it skips to Sept 12. On the 12th it's a paragraph that must have been taken from a movie or a play, I'm not sure where it's from. Friday Sept. 14 is the next real entry I've got.
I may not remember what happened on exact dates right after, but I do remember my growing fear. For what seemed like a long time after, even Times Square was nearly empty. What had happened to this magical city I'd wanted to move to since I was 9 years old? Where was everyone? What was this invisible, somber veil that had fallen over my new home? Was it going to be like this forever? Everyone was scared. There was talk on tv about subways being bombed. Did I even dare ride it right now?
A night or two after the attack, there was going to be a candlelight vigil at Union Square and I was going to meet The Guy. I had to hop on the subway and what was a short ride seemed too long for comfort to me. I was alone, I was underground and felt claustrophobic. I was shaking and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.
When I got out near 14th street, this was the closest to the towers I'd been since it happened. I was searching for The Guy in a crowd of people, still shaking and heart still pounding. I can feel it all again as I type this.
He was a lot calmer than I was. He seemed to be surprised I was as upset as I was. There was something in the air. I didn't want to stay there long. It was burning my eyes. And that smell. I'll never forget that smell. The only way I've ever been able to describe it...is it smelled like death. I didn't want to stay. I didn't want to breathe it in.
I was going to post the Sept. 14th entry but as I re-read it, it's so intimate I think I'm going to keep it just for me. I will tell you a little about it, however. I write about knowing I should be documenting what's happening "for my future grandchildren". But I really don't write about it. I've always been this way. When something is so big, I often don't take the time to feel the impact or deal with it until much later. It's my protection, my defense. I do write about finally being able to stay with The Guy in the "midst of so much chaos" and how it was so nice to shut ourselves off, just for a night, "in the middle of what could be a war". That night I felt "protected, shut away in another world". The next afternoon, "we slept on and off. We were tightly wrapped and intertwined, tossing and turning occasionally but always finding each other. Always holding each other. My heart was pounding.".
As I look back on all of this, I see that where I might not have had the words of comfort I'd been looking for from him, I was grateful to have a person to be with right then. That maybe actions did speak a little louder than words and I don't know what I would have done without having someone to just hold me.
I have come to learn over the years that 9/11 did have a greater impact on me than I knew. It made me experience a fear I'd never known. It changed everything about the joy I'd had in flying and my airport experiences as I'd travel back and forth from NYC to SLC. I used to love it. Then I hated it. I still do.
I remember after I'd left NYC and moved home seeing a special on 9/11 some years later and as they explained step by step and showed in animation what happened exactly to the buildings as the planes hit. It was the zillionth time I'd seen it. I felt like I'd never escape the footage in the years right after. But this time, I tried to really listen. I truly tried to let it sink in and I let out some emotion for the first time.
I didn't know I had any to let out still, until this 10 year anniversary weekend approached. I have felt a tidal wave of emotion just under the surface. I've kept in under control but I'm pretty sure there will be tears at some point today. It's just too big. It's just too much. I know it will come out at some point. Maybe when I talk to Jenny via phone later.
I see now how this part fits into the tale of "My NYC Diaries" and perhaps explains a lot I didn't even know until a decade had gone by, until I'd grown up a little and gained some perspective. All this time I felt like I didn't have a right to feel impacted by 9/11. But I see now this was a part of my story, something that happened in not only my lifetime, but the most impressionable time in my life and in the very city I was living in. I see why Jenny was and is so special to me and why I was so attached to The Guy.
It's a lot. It's a lot to take in.
It's a piecing together of the puzzle of my life and what has made me me. Why I react the way I do and that it's okay to feel how I feel. What would it have been like if it would have happened now? Or in ten years from now? Or twenty? Or if I had been five? Or if I hadn't been in NYC? Would I have been impacted differently? Absolutely. But the fact that I was where I was when I was makes it my story.
I'm not sure how to end this post, other than to tell you this was just the cathartic thing I needed. It's taken me ten years to be ready to share it and to realize as I said in the beginning that it happened to the world. That while it happened to people in varying degrees, some less and some far greater than I could ever imagine, that it happened to me too.
I was in the world when it happened and I have my own little story to tell.
It may not be the story you expected or the story you hear often. It's not a political story, but a coming of age story. A little slice of life. And it's mine.
And there you have it.
* * * * * *
In July of this year when I went to NYC I went to see the construction where the towers once stood. It was dark and you couldn't get too close, but I did manage to get this picture...
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Sep 10, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 17
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rachel was one of my very best friends from SLC. We met a few years earlier in a class. It was on the first day of school. We saw each other from across the room, we each thought the other was cute and wanted to be friends instantly. We tell people it was love at first sight. In a short time we'd also already been through a lot together including a life changing three weeks in Hawaii. I couldn't wait to have her visiting me in NYC. I couldn't wait to show her the city, my new apartment and have her meet The Guy.
Rachel had a serious boyfriend and had been with him for quite awhile. He had kids from a previous relationship and I remember her buying gifts for them in NYC and calling him to tell him what she'd bought. I remember thinking how adult it seemed and I wondered what that level of closeness with your significant other must be like. How I couldn't imagine that with The Guy and wondered if I'd ever experience that?
I have all sorts of amazing pictures of us at The Donkey Show one night. I'm not sure how it happened but The Guy's younger brother, Sean, ended up there with us. I remember if it was planned, or if he just happened to be going. This was the beginning of what became a very close friendship with Sean over the next year. Sean was so different from The Guy. They were night and day. In personality and appearance. Sean was pretty reserved, a little shy. But so easy to talk to. He reminded me a little of Oscar. That night at The Donkey Show I saw a completely different side of Sean. He was dancing with women, men, having the time of his life! It was amazing!
Then the night came where Rachel would meet The Guy. We had pizza for lunch and I remember she ordered a slice with penne noodles cooked on top. I thought that was a really strange combination. The noodle pizza did not look appealing to me.
We met up with The Guy and his roommate, Ty in Brooklyn at a bar that night. Let me take a minute to tell you how cute Rachel is. So cute. Guys have always loved her. She's blonde and beautiful. Let me also tell you how cute Ty was. So cute. He definitely did alright with the ladies. But Rachel was completely committed to her boyfriend and although Ty was flirting with her, it wasn't going to happen. But it did make things fun.
When we went back to their apartment, Ty was excited to woo Rachel further by bringing out his bong. The Guy and I didn't partake so I remember watching Rachel start to get (just a little) paranoid. Ty opened up a bottle of wine for everyone and kept offering Rachel a glass. The more he offered Rachel this sparkling wine, the more she was convinced he was poisoning her.
Then he told her he made really great scrambled eggs. She then told him to, "get in the kitchen and make me some eggs!" He must have made the whole carton because he came back with the biggest bowl of eggs I've ever seen. And I think he was in an apron?
She had a couple of bites of the eggs and suddenly she was up and in the bathroom. I was having a great time laughing and talking to The Guy and Ty, when The Guy said Rachel had been in there quite some time and maybe I should go check on her.
Uh oh. I went in to find Rachel cleaning up after getting sick. I totally remember seeing some of those penne noodles and saying, "you missed a spot".
She came back out and seemed fine. This was about the time The Guy told me to come to his room...to help him hang a lantern. No, seriously. He'd just bought this light green chinese lantern. He was slowly building his "meditation chamber". I literally thought we'd hang this light and come right back out to Rachel and Ty. She tells me the minute she heard The Guy asking me to help him hang this lantern that she knew I wasn't coming back. Turned out she was right. But we did hang the lantern.
The next day I found out that Ty had tried to kiss her. Not stopped by the fact that she had been sick, turned down his sparkling wine, or wasted his giant bowl of eggs, he did stop when she told him she was taken and it wasn't going to happen.
She said she'd slept on the couch and had woken up in the night to see Ty inches away, staring at her! Then he'd smile and look down, pretending to straighten the magazines on the table. She said this happened more than once!
I felt bad I had abandoned her but once again, I fell victim to the power that was The Guy.
I think we took it pretty easy the next night. She was still a little queasy and before we went to bed that night we happened to catch an episode of Jerry Springer that was all about people who throw up on on each other. What else? Great. I woke up in the night to see Rachel next to me with a towel completely wrapped around her head. What the hell? The next morning I asked her if she was okay and she said she'd been sick again in the night and had brought in the towel just in case. "Too much barf talk makes one feel barfy", said Rachel. That would become a famous line in the history of our friendship. And so did, "looks like noodle pizza!"
We still giggle about the boys, the eggs and the sparkling wine.
We had an amazing time and it really did me good to have her there. It somehow made my new life there feel more real. She'd met The Guy, she'd stayed at my place, she'd seen it all.
I was sad to see her go. I wish she could stay and be a part of this completely different life. There were aspects of what I'd left behind and what I'd found that I longed to mesh to have more balance.
But school was starting very soon and I was ready to get back into the swing of things. I was ready to have a routine, to work hard, to finally get to do school plays. But right before it was time, something happened that none of us ever could have imagined. Something that changed the lives of so many, that changed the city...that changed the world.
September 11, 2001.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rachel was one of my very best friends from SLC. We met a few years earlier in a class. It was on the first day of school. We saw each other from across the room, we each thought the other was cute and wanted to be friends instantly. We tell people it was love at first sight. In a short time we'd also already been through a lot together including a life changing three weeks in Hawaii. I couldn't wait to have her visiting me in NYC. I couldn't wait to show her the city, my new apartment and have her meet The Guy.
Rachel had a serious boyfriend and had been with him for quite awhile. He had kids from a previous relationship and I remember her buying gifts for them in NYC and calling him to tell him what she'd bought. I remember thinking how adult it seemed and I wondered what that level of closeness with your significant other must be like. How I couldn't imagine that with The Guy and wondered if I'd ever experience that?
I have all sorts of amazing pictures of us at The Donkey Show one night. I'm not sure how it happened but The Guy's younger brother, Sean, ended up there with us. I remember if it was planned, or if he just happened to be going. This was the beginning of what became a very close friendship with Sean over the next year. Sean was so different from The Guy. They were night and day. In personality and appearance. Sean was pretty reserved, a little shy. But so easy to talk to. He reminded me a little of Oscar. That night at The Donkey Show I saw a completely different side of Sean. He was dancing with women, men, having the time of his life! It was amazing!
Then the night came where Rachel would meet The Guy. We had pizza for lunch and I remember she ordered a slice with penne noodles cooked on top. I thought that was a really strange combination. The noodle pizza did not look appealing to me.
We met up with The Guy and his roommate, Ty in Brooklyn at a bar that night. Let me take a minute to tell you how cute Rachel is. So cute. Guys have always loved her. She's blonde and beautiful. Let me also tell you how cute Ty was. So cute. He definitely did alright with the ladies. But Rachel was completely committed to her boyfriend and although Ty was flirting with her, it wasn't going to happen. But it did make things fun.
When we went back to their apartment, Ty was excited to woo Rachel further by bringing out his bong. The Guy and I didn't partake so I remember watching Rachel start to get (just a little) paranoid. Ty opened up a bottle of wine for everyone and kept offering Rachel a glass. The more he offered Rachel this sparkling wine, the more she was convinced he was poisoning her.
Then he told her he made really great scrambled eggs. She then told him to, "get in the kitchen and make me some eggs!" He must have made the whole carton because he came back with the biggest bowl of eggs I've ever seen. And I think he was in an apron?
She had a couple of bites of the eggs and suddenly she was up and in the bathroom. I was having a great time laughing and talking to The Guy and Ty, when The Guy said Rachel had been in there quite some time and maybe I should go check on her.
Uh oh. I went in to find Rachel cleaning up after getting sick. I totally remember seeing some of those penne noodles and saying, "you missed a spot".
She came back out and seemed fine. This was about the time The Guy told me to come to his room...to help him hang a lantern. No, seriously. He'd just bought this light green chinese lantern. He was slowly building his "meditation chamber". I literally thought we'd hang this light and come right back out to Rachel and Ty. She tells me the minute she heard The Guy asking me to help him hang this lantern that she knew I wasn't coming back. Turned out she was right. But we did hang the lantern.
The next day I found out that Ty had tried to kiss her. Not stopped by the fact that she had been sick, turned down his sparkling wine, or wasted his giant bowl of eggs, he did stop when she told him she was taken and it wasn't going to happen.
She said she'd slept on the couch and had woken up in the night to see Ty inches away, staring at her! Then he'd smile and look down, pretending to straighten the magazines on the table. She said this happened more than once!
I felt bad I had abandoned her but once again, I fell victim to the power that was The Guy.
I think we took it pretty easy the next night. She was still a little queasy and before we went to bed that night we happened to catch an episode of Jerry Springer that was all about people who throw up on on each other. What else? Great. I woke up in the night to see Rachel next to me with a towel completely wrapped around her head. What the hell? The next morning I asked her if she was okay and she said she'd been sick again in the night and had brought in the towel just in case. "Too much barf talk makes one feel barfy", said Rachel. That would become a famous line in the history of our friendship. And so did, "looks like noodle pizza!"
We still giggle about the boys, the eggs and the sparkling wine.
We had an amazing time and it really did me good to have her there. It somehow made my new life there feel more real. She'd met The Guy, she'd stayed at my place, she'd seen it all.
I was sad to see her go. I wish she could stay and be a part of this completely different life. There were aspects of what I'd left behind and what I'd found that I longed to mesh to have more balance.
But school was starting very soon and I was ready to get back into the swing of things. I was ready to have a routine, to work hard, to finally get to do school plays. But right before it was time, something happened that none of us ever could have imagined. Something that changed the lives of so many, that changed the city...that changed the world.
September 11, 2001.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Sep 8, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 16
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Commuting was hard. It was something I'd never had to do before. Taking the 1/9 from approximately 225th street in the Bronx to 16th in Chelsea had worn me out the first year. I didn't realize how it had begun to wear me down. Everyone kept telling me I needed to move to Manhattan. Well no kidding. But how was I going to do that? I loved the idea of being away from Martha, being in the city, closer to school and closer to The Guy.
I had a close call with moving to the city at the end of the school year. A girl who was in school with me, Harriet was suddenly in need of a roommate. I told her I was interested, and so did someone else. That person was Mark. Oh, great. Now Mark and I were competing for this room. We went over to see it at the same time. Turned out it was less than ideal, the "room" wasn't a room at all but rather a bed in the living room. This meant Harriet would be walking through this "room" to get to her actual room every time. Oh. Even so, I wanted to be in the city no matter what. I still said I was interested. So did Mark. Harriet said she was going to flip a coin. Mark chose a side, I chose a side and that would determine who would "win".
The plan was to do the coin toss later, all together. I'll never forget walking up to them on our lunch break shortly after, seeing them conspiring and knowing something was up. Harriet told me they'd already done the coin toss and Mark had won. I played it off like it was no big deal and I was happy for Mark. But honestly? I thought that was incredibly shitty. How stupid did they think I was? Clearly she would rather be roommates with Mark. That's fine. So just tell me that he's the best fit for her. It's her space, I get that. Don't give me that bull shit about a secret coin toss without me and then tell me that's how things went down.
Anyway. When I finally did get to move to Manhattan, it was because another classmate, Steve was moving out of his room on 44th b/w 9th & 10th. Oh. My. God. What a location! Steve was foreign, charming, and the ladies loved him. He was the type of guy I could understand why the girls would fall all over themselves for him but he did nothing for me. I thought his schtick was a bit cheesy. Jenny had actually just told me she'd spotted him in the park looking cozy with the very teacher I mentioned previously that was in the Donkey Show. I thought that was weird, surprising, but didn't care. Right now, I just thought he was nice and I was very grateful he was meeting with me to show me the room and introduce me to his roommates.
It was an apartment owned by a woman who worked on Wall Street named Liz. She was up early, worked long hours and told me she partied on the weekends and Sunday was the day she laid on the couch with an ice pack on her head. I didn't know she was being literal. She was. I'd come to learn that she partied until the sun was up and Sunday was indeed spent with the ice pack in front of the tv with the most annoying laugh I'd ever heard. The other room was occupied by a guy who's name I forget. I never crossed paths with him and only remember he had a cute little asian girl that would come and stay with him sometimes. Here I'd have my own actual room, we'd share the small bathroom and kitchen and the living room.
This time, I "won". I was finally moving to Manhattan!
Jenny helped me move and even rented the moving truck since I wasn't old enough. She drove to the Bronx early the morning of the move. I woke up Darren to help me when it was time to move my futon. We were going to keep in touch, so little did I know that would be the last time I'd ever see him. I'll never forget him waving goodbye. He was shirtless, red-eyed, and a little dazed. He must have had quite the night.
As I reflect I realize how much Jenny was there for me, how much she helped me and saved me. Multiple times. More on that later. I don't know where I would have been without her.
I also realize all of my goodbyes were less than ideal. With everyone. Every time.
It was a relief and a grown up feeling for me to start shopping for things to pull my room together. Among my first purchases was a zebra blanket, a bamboo dresser, a fairy statue and a rug. I was also looking forward to being able to have The Guy come to my turf. At last, no more long commutes and no more Martha! It was also the perfect NYC location to host visitors.
My first friend from home, Rachel was on her way. Little did I know we'd be making memories that we still talk about to this day.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Commuting was hard. It was something I'd never had to do before. Taking the 1/9 from approximately 225th street in the Bronx to 16th in Chelsea had worn me out the first year. I didn't realize how it had begun to wear me down. Everyone kept telling me I needed to move to Manhattan. Well no kidding. But how was I going to do that? I loved the idea of being away from Martha, being in the city, closer to school and closer to The Guy.
I had a close call with moving to the city at the end of the school year. A girl who was in school with me, Harriet was suddenly in need of a roommate. I told her I was interested, and so did someone else. That person was Mark. Oh, great. Now Mark and I were competing for this room. We went over to see it at the same time. Turned out it was less than ideal, the "room" wasn't a room at all but rather a bed in the living room. This meant Harriet would be walking through this "room" to get to her actual room every time. Oh. Even so, I wanted to be in the city no matter what. I still said I was interested. So did Mark. Harriet said she was going to flip a coin. Mark chose a side, I chose a side and that would determine who would "win".
The plan was to do the coin toss later, all together. I'll never forget walking up to them on our lunch break shortly after, seeing them conspiring and knowing something was up. Harriet told me they'd already done the coin toss and Mark had won. I played it off like it was no big deal and I was happy for Mark. But honestly? I thought that was incredibly shitty. How stupid did they think I was? Clearly she would rather be roommates with Mark. That's fine. So just tell me that he's the best fit for her. It's her space, I get that. Don't give me that bull shit about a secret coin toss without me and then tell me that's how things went down.
Anyway. When I finally did get to move to Manhattan, it was because another classmate, Steve was moving out of his room on 44th b/w 9th & 10th. Oh. My. God. What a location! Steve was foreign, charming, and the ladies loved him. He was the type of guy I could understand why the girls would fall all over themselves for him but he did nothing for me. I thought his schtick was a bit cheesy. Jenny had actually just told me she'd spotted him in the park looking cozy with the very teacher I mentioned previously that was in the Donkey Show. I thought that was weird, surprising, but didn't care. Right now, I just thought he was nice and I was very grateful he was meeting with me to show me the room and introduce me to his roommates.
It was an apartment owned by a woman who worked on Wall Street named Liz. She was up early, worked long hours and told me she partied on the weekends and Sunday was the day she laid on the couch with an ice pack on her head. I didn't know she was being literal. She was. I'd come to learn that she partied until the sun was up and Sunday was indeed spent with the ice pack in front of the tv with the most annoying laugh I'd ever heard. The other room was occupied by a guy who's name I forget. I never crossed paths with him and only remember he had a cute little asian girl that would come and stay with him sometimes. Here I'd have my own actual room, we'd share the small bathroom and kitchen and the living room.
This time, I "won". I was finally moving to Manhattan!
Jenny helped me move and even rented the moving truck since I wasn't old enough. She drove to the Bronx early the morning of the move. I woke up Darren to help me when it was time to move my futon. We were going to keep in touch, so little did I know that would be the last time I'd ever see him. I'll never forget him waving goodbye. He was shirtless, red-eyed, and a little dazed. He must have had quite the night.
As I reflect I realize how much Jenny was there for me, how much she helped me and saved me. Multiple times. More on that later. I don't know where I would have been without her.
I also realize all of my goodbyes were less than ideal. With everyone. Every time.
It was a relief and a grown up feeling for me to start shopping for things to pull my room together. Among my first purchases was a zebra blanket, a bamboo dresser, a fairy statue and a rug. I was also looking forward to being able to have The Guy come to my turf. At last, no more long commutes and no more Martha! It was also the perfect NYC location to host visitors.
My first friend from home, Rachel was on her way. Little did I know we'd be making memories that we still talk about to this day.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Sep 6, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 15
I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"The Donkey Show" was such a part of my "NYC experience". Like I said before, this was the Off Broadway show loosely based on "Midsummer Nights Dream" set to disco music. I'd disco skated on the weekends from 9 -12th grade and was sure I'd been born in the wrong decade. Walking into "The Donkey Show" was like walking into my greatest fantasy come to life. One of my teachers from ATC was even in the show. She shared the small role of Disco Girl and understudied the leads. I never did get to see her perform it, though. I went twice. Once with Adrianna on her visit and another when once of my best friends from home, Rachel, would come to visit. More on her visit coming soon.
I knew I had to audition for this show and kept an eye out for it in Backstage. I ended up auditioning three times. The first time I knew where I went wrong. They taught us the hustle first and made cuts. I gave it too much of a "modern" style and saw that they weren't interested in anything other but the simplicity of the old school hustle. I made it past another round the second time. Then came audition #3.
July 20
"I got to Club Flamingo at one 1 ended up auditioning at 4:30. About 130 people there. First, the Bus Stop (hustle). First cut. Then the Bus Stop and Soul Train. Second cut. Then singing..."This is the story of a love that flourished in a time of hate" (my audition was from Aidia). Third cut. Doing the "Vinnie" and being asked if I was willing to cut my hair.
*We were asked to read for the Vinnies, in pairs. There were two Vinnies, played by women but dressed as men. I remember a girl with very long hair saying she was not willing to cut her hair and they let her go right then and there. I couldn't believe it. It blew my mind that you would be that close and let something like your hair hold you back.
Fourth cut. Singing "Ring My Bell" (A song Titania sings in the show). Now we were down to THIRTEEN GIRLS. We were then told that we were right for the show, and fit into the parts and that they were only casting two of the women roles right now. Then they took me and 3 or 4 others aside, telling us we were right for the other parts. They were going to be putting us on file and would call us when they opened up."
Nothing ever happened with the show, but I will always remember how exciting that day was for me and how great it felt to go far in the audition process of my dream show at that time. I'll never forget how magical it was every time a cut was made and I stayed. I may not have done the show, but I will always love this story.
Meanwhile, I was still in the whirlwind that was The Guy. A new world was opening up to me more and more all the time. Which, naturally got me thinking and wondering what the future would hold for me. I could hardly imagine it, but I was starting to wonder.
"...I'm always looking at or for wedding bands. Just looking at people. What they look like. Beautiful, odd looking, smart, preppy, etc. Wondering who they're married to, how they met, how so many people found their mate. And if they did...how? And is it real? Is it possible? Can so many people have truly found their mate? Is it just the next best thing? Did they settle?
Anyway...I like someone knowing my drink order. Loaning me something of theirs. Waking up with someone. The other day it was hmmm...debating to get up and go to class, or lay in The Guys arms longer and longer? No question about it. The last time we were together it was romantic. I need romance."
July 21
So The Guy just left me a message. It almost scared me to get it. I'm just so happy he's interested. He wants to meet up tonight. I'm supposed to meet Oscar for a movie and I was supposed to go dancing with Darren. I don't want to do either and if I did now I would be thinking about how I could be hanging out with The Guy. So I'm trying so hard to listen to myself. To go with my gut. Do what I want to do for me. And right now that's go with The Guy instead. Is this self indulgent? Maybe. But what's more important? No question I'm doing the right thing.
The Guy was starting to become my priority and I don't know that I was fully aware of that, or what that would mean at this point. I think I was trying to convince myself that it was okay. I could never have guessed how things would unfold over the next year.
Thinking about school starting soon and the fact that I would have to make that commute from the Bronx daily was killing me. I was just going to have to move to Manhattan! And I did. In fact, I lucked out big time. All in time for Rachel to come visit me...
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"The Donkey Show" was such a part of my "NYC experience". Like I said before, this was the Off Broadway show loosely based on "Midsummer Nights Dream" set to disco music. I'd disco skated on the weekends from 9 -12th grade and was sure I'd been born in the wrong decade. Walking into "The Donkey Show" was like walking into my greatest fantasy come to life. One of my teachers from ATC was even in the show. She shared the small role of Disco Girl and understudied the leads. I never did get to see her perform it, though. I went twice. Once with Adrianna on her visit and another when once of my best friends from home, Rachel, would come to visit. More on her visit coming soon.
I knew I had to audition for this show and kept an eye out for it in Backstage. I ended up auditioning three times. The first time I knew where I went wrong. They taught us the hustle first and made cuts. I gave it too much of a "modern" style and saw that they weren't interested in anything other but the simplicity of the old school hustle. I made it past another round the second time. Then came audition #3.
July 20
"I got to Club Flamingo at one 1 ended up auditioning at 4:30. About 130 people there. First, the Bus Stop (hustle). First cut. Then the Bus Stop and Soul Train. Second cut. Then singing..."This is the story of a love that flourished in a time of hate" (my audition was from Aidia). Third cut. Doing the "Vinnie" and being asked if I was willing to cut my hair.
*We were asked to read for the Vinnies, in pairs. There were two Vinnies, played by women but dressed as men. I remember a girl with very long hair saying she was not willing to cut her hair and they let her go right then and there. I couldn't believe it. It blew my mind that you would be that close and let something like your hair hold you back.
Fourth cut. Singing "Ring My Bell" (A song Titania sings in the show). Now we were down to THIRTEEN GIRLS. We were then told that we were right for the show, and fit into the parts and that they were only casting two of the women roles right now. Then they took me and 3 or 4 others aside, telling us we were right for the other parts. They were going to be putting us on file and would call us when they opened up."
Nothing ever happened with the show, but I will always remember how exciting that day was for me and how great it felt to go far in the audition process of my dream show at that time. I'll never forget how magical it was every time a cut was made and I stayed. I may not have done the show, but I will always love this story.
Meanwhile, I was still in the whirlwind that was The Guy. A new world was opening up to me more and more all the time. Which, naturally got me thinking and wondering what the future would hold for me. I could hardly imagine it, but I was starting to wonder.
"...I'm always looking at or for wedding bands. Just looking at people. What they look like. Beautiful, odd looking, smart, preppy, etc. Wondering who they're married to, how they met, how so many people found their mate. And if they did...how? And is it real? Is it possible? Can so many people have truly found their mate? Is it just the next best thing? Did they settle?
Anyway...I like someone knowing my drink order. Loaning me something of theirs. Waking up with someone. The other day it was hmmm...debating to get up and go to class, or lay in The Guys arms longer and longer? No question about it. The last time we were together it was romantic. I need romance."
July 21
So The Guy just left me a message. It almost scared me to get it. I'm just so happy he's interested. He wants to meet up tonight. I'm supposed to meet Oscar for a movie and I was supposed to go dancing with Darren. I don't want to do either and if I did now I would be thinking about how I could be hanging out with The Guy. So I'm trying so hard to listen to myself. To go with my gut. Do what I want to do for me. And right now that's go with The Guy instead. Is this self indulgent? Maybe. But what's more important? No question I'm doing the right thing.
The Guy was starting to become my priority and I don't know that I was fully aware of that, or what that would mean at this point. I think I was trying to convince myself that it was okay. I could never have guessed how things would unfold over the next year.
Thinking about school starting soon and the fact that I would have to make that commute from the Bronx daily was killing me. I was just going to have to move to Manhattan! And I did. In fact, I lucked out big time. All in time for Rachel to come visit me...
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
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