Dec 14, 2014

Eternity in a decade.

I am leaving New York.  I'm laying on the couch of a Brooklyn apartment in pink pajama bottoms and a pink tank top and I am sure I'm going to die.  I will die of a broken heart right here.  Tomorrow when I leave, I will look my best.  I will pick myself up and do my hair and my makeup and I will singlehandedly lug these bursting-at-the-seams suitcases home.  I'll have a giant bruise to show for it on my thigh from where one of my bags will keep hitting me.  At the time, I won't notice the pain.  When the young man at the airport asks to help me and I say yes, I won't think that there is a tip involved.  And when he won't leave until I find my money I'll snap at him.  Can't he see the world as I know it just ended?

My life is over.

But little do I know, I'm only at the beginning.

Funny, isn't it? How looking back everything has fallen so perfectly into place? Yes, even the times you were certain all was lost, and you'd never survive.  As if the universe designed earth specifically for you.  Here is your planet, and your path is laid out.  It is designed to protect you.  In the times your heart shatters, it's because it needs to heal differently, bigger than before, with new knowledge that you needed.  But it's up to you to learn, and grow and listen.  To tune in and hear your truth.

I'm amazed how eternity can be crammed into one decade.  I've been so many people.  Who else will I be? At least now I can trust the process.  No fear.

You can only tune in when the time is right.  I couldn't have told the girl laying on the couch in the pink pajamas just how okay it would be.  That her big dreams will play out, what it will feel like to hold her puppy, that the best day of her life will be when she marries the man of her dreams in the mountains.  There will be a hard battle of fighting to be in the same place at the same time, emotionally, and physically.  But there will be love.  Every heartache will be worth it when she finally lands on this love.

I truly can't imagine what I might tell myself in another decade.  What will she say to to the girl who's sitting at her kitchen table typing on her laptop this December 2014, with a pup on her lap and a husband by her side, approaching their first Christmas married?

What eternities are in store?

I hope to remember heart shattering is survivable, and inevitable.  And okay.  And needed.  And the ebbs and flows are constant.  And to keep going, and growing, and tuning deeper into truth.  That life will be a constant experiment in feeling too much, and feeling nothing at all.  That you should sink fully into whatever the day calls for.

I feel both suspension, and forward motion.  A strange mix of being in the present, and looking ahead.

This is where the universe has me placed today, in time, for a needed reason on this blue planet.

And everything is okay.

Deena Marie

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