Jun 6, 2012

Still there.

I went to Chucks house for the first time yesterday.

This was an apartment I used to live in, years ago before I got married.  I'd always thought I'd like living alone.  I didn't.  At that particular time in my life, anyway.

I left things behind.  A television.  An entertainment center.  A bookcase.

I thought that was it.  Yesterday I realized there were smaller things.  You need to look closely to see the smaller things.  My old cutting board.  My salt and pepper shakers.  Chuck had kept them all this time and had been using them.  I liked that.

I don't like the idea of his place being taken apart.  I don't want any items removed.

My dog still knew what apartment to go to.  When you walk in, you're hit with the smell of Chuck.  It's still so strong.  It's like he's still there.  The apartment doesn't feel sad or empty at all.  It feels good.  It feels full.

I wanted to take it all in.  So I could have the memory.  I wanted to look closely.  To see the smaller things.  Like the picture of me my senior year of high school on display.  A dvd of "Breaking Dawn", clearly brought over by his daughter but so out of place for someone like Chuck it made me smile.  I noticed the tiny baseball magnet on the fridge.  It was the most appropriate thing I could think of to take when asked if I wanted something of his.  Partly because baseball and Chuck are synonymous and partly because I only wanted to remove the smallest item from this museum of memories.  It's now on our fridge.

Then I remembered to look for the mugs I'd given him for Christmas a few years back.  They were so appropriate for him and so unattractive to me in taste that it was kind of a joke gift.  I thought I was so funny.  But he loved them.  So I decided not to reveal the joke.  And I found I liked it better this way.

I found them.  I took them home.  Now I love them.

1 comment:

  1. When I read your blog about Chuck, I felt as though you had taken the words right out of my head. (I love everything you write.) I went to Chuck's yesterday & also took a magnet from his fridge..it's nice to still smell him there. (as you said). I also thought about the things I had left there & wondered if he used them.

    Our Chuck, loved all the little gifts & trinkets any of us gave him. He also had a special place in his heart for you! You were the 1st grandchild & at the same time, you really did seem more like a sibling. When I would visit him he always went down the line asking, who I had spoken to recently...he would say, "have you talked to Deena?" What's she up to? I think I will call her...

    He loved us all so much and of course he loved his daughter. However, I will always remember how proud Chuck was of everything you did and all your achievements!! He loved your funny personality and how when you walked into a room, out of the corner of my eye, I would see him smile...

    He let you bring your dog over to his place but never let me bring over mine. To me, I saw this gesture as simply his way of saying, "your not my Deena, so leave your dog's at home."

    So there you have it, you truly were Chuck's bright shining star!! In his eyes, little Deena could do no wrong...

    I love you with all I have in my heart and wanted to share with you, my perspective of, "Our Chuck"...Love, Auntie D...