May 12, 2010

To be a "grown up"

Blogging is weird. I am private as can be all over the web...but what's the point of blogging if not to share yourself? Lucky you, whoever is reading this blog, you get the most insight into a day in the life of Deena Marie! :)

What does it mean to be a "grown up"? How do you know when you are? How do you know when you're an adult? I look at girls, er, women that I know who are starting families and I still can't quite fathom it. How do you know when you're ready to grow up and be a mom? How do you make the decision that you're not a kid anymore and it's time to go on to the next phase of your life? I see girls I went to high school with who have more than one baby and I just can't wrap my head around it. Right now I know countless ladies who have just had a baby, or gotten preg. I feel like such a baby myself I wonder if I'll ever feel differently. Should I? I have never been the girl who wanted to, in fact, grow up and be a mom. I have a mom. Mom. That's her job. That's not my job. I'm her baby. Mom. Seems so...old? But I look at the women I know and they certainly aren't old. I guess it's weird because I don't quite have those feelings and that...need? All I truly want is to keep performing. I can't imagine taking time out of doing what I am absolutely in love with to completely *change* my body and put myself through that. I can't imagine it almost at all. I'm not gonna lie, it's vanity. I'm in a vain profession. The thought of gaining baby weight and having to worry about losing it all stresses me the hell out. I can't imagine it would be an enjoyable physical condition for me. Don't get me wrong. Women who go through this are freaking rockstars. How unselfish and how awesome they are willing to do it. I just know when / if it's ever *gulp* me I have to be a zillion more times mentally ready than I am now. I would have to try to think of it as a break from, well, my life. Right now the last thing I want is a break. Is that wrong? Is it wrong I don't have those maternal instincts like other chicks? I love my puppy so much, as only other dog people will understand, I really can't imagine loving something more than him. He is my baby. He depends on me. I give him the best life ever. I can't imagine...more. The thought of a little baby sounds kinda cool..but then I think about it growing up, having to take it places, lessons, play dates, having to help it through heartbreak and hurt. Oh lord. At least I can protect my puppy at all times. I don't know that I'm cut out to be that responsible for someone else. Which brings me back to HOW DO YOU KNOW when it's time to grow up? I certainly don't have things 100% figured out! How could I ever be someones parent until I did? I don't want to lead any little baby astray. I very much have a sensitive side. I get my feelings hurt. How would I ever deal with a little human version of myself and my sweetheart getting their feelings hurt? Anyone who has anything negative to say about my puppy I want to punch in the face. I guess right now I like being the baby. I like my life just the way it is...and maybe that's totally ok. Maybe I'll be a slow bloomer in this respect, because I'm just not ready to grow up anytime soon.

In other news, yesterday was spent doing a photo shoot for Fresh Peaches swimwear. They sent me two lovely vintage inspired suits, photos will be used online and posters will be in their California store!

I also filmed you a video

Thanks for reading, watching, supporting, you know. :)

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