April first.

Taking control of your healing.
Protecting your energy.
Nurturing your happiness in the face of whatever life is throwing your way.
That.

I was made to feel I wasn't entitled to my own happiness. 
I began to understand.
I would no longer cast my pearls before shells, rather than souls.

My world expands.
I've been given back to myself.

Spring strengthens me.

Many attempts have been made to clip my wings.
I refuse. 
Nobody gets to take them from me.

Hear me loud and clear when I roar the following...


My story will have a different ending. And that's okay. 


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A little bit sad.

I love this one...even though it will always make me a little bit sad. 

Online Dating.

Online dating? No. Never. Ever. Ever. Not. In. A. Million. Years. Ever. 

That was me...up until the end of October.

Over the course of my life, I've been proposed to three times. I took two of the three up on their offers. I had very little turn around time between husband one and two, which basically means that I'd been a married woman for about 10 years. Prior to that were two other somewhat significant co-habitating relationships which lasted for a couple of years each. This means I haven't been single since I was a teenager.

At seven months in, this is the longest I’ve ever been single. Imagine being in a relationship for all of your adult life, then bam! The unexpected happens, and there you are. A grown woman, and mother who has never dated. Suddenly, I am in unchartered territory...this including online dating. Women friends close in age who are happily married hear this, and clutch their husbands a little tighter. Horrified, they tell me they could never imagine being in my position, and couldn't possibly do it. I get it. I had the same reaction to stories of the unthinkable over the years.

I can totally remember hearing about something called match.com for the first time close to a decade or so ago. This was a place where you looked for a partner online! I thought that if people had to resort to this, then they must be totally and completely desperate. How sad for them. I also felt very lucky, if not a bit smug, because I would never need that sort of thing.

But here we are. And you better believe I had residual judgement coming with me into this new chapter of my life. But at almost three months into online dating, my thoughts about it are completely different than what I ever could have imagined.

I quickly learned that in 2018, having tinder and bumble is hardly different from having snapchat and instagram. Everybody's doing it. I've heard complaints of "hook-up culture", and the confusion of "hanging out" rather than legit dates. I'd gone out on a few set-ups which were complete duds (and ghosters). So, despite my nervousness about it, I knew I would need to take matters into my own hands. One night, I poured a glass of champagne and downloaded the first of the two.

I am going to be keeping my private life private for for now, but I will tell you what I’ve learned.

It is absolutely possible to meet men of quality online. Handome, successful, gentlemanly men. Yes, at times there is nonsense to weed through. Such as men reaching out who are completely inappropriate for you. Be it a man old enough to be your father (no), or a long time social media “friend” who feels he should now “take the opportunity to say something” (no). The countless men who fill my various inboxes with little more than a “hi”. No introduction, no questions, no effort to start an actual conversation (no). The men who will try more than once to contact me, even though I didn't reply to begin with (also no). The men who ask for a phone number in a first message (uh, NO).

But. There are the ones who are doing it right. Making an effort, and getting to know me both over social media, over text...and in real life.

I have to say that my situation is tricky, too. I am busy with mom duty most of the time, and rarely give it up unless my boy is away. So, to date me means respecting and working with that. But come on, everyone is busy, and it’s all very simple in the end. If a man wants to make an effort, he will. If a woman wants to make an effort, she will. Even if it’s going to be more slow-going with me than with women with older kids, or no kids at all. 

This also allows me to be extremely picky with who I give my rare free time to. I don’t have time for anything other than quality. I see myself through a new filter now, the filter of “Charlie’s Mother” and she can only accept the best.

But the greatest part I’ve realized, is that it’s put me into contact with men I would never normally meet! Our paths would otherwise never cross. It’s really opened my eyes and my mind that there are handsome, awesome guys everywhere and I had no idea. I had it in my head that the dating scene is bleak, options scarce, and  I would never be attracted to anyone ever again. But, it's actually been very positive! It lets you expand your world, and do it in a way that is far less time consuming than going out and about to put yourself in new settings and scenarios (which I also appreciate, don’t get me wrong. It’s just you know, all that stuff I said about a little toddler, and time).

Online dating has also made me relax. I’m a lot less rigid and scared of meeting new men, or men who want to meet me. I may accidentally swipe, or “super-like” someone that I didn’t mean to. But I find myself laughing about it, learning there is no harm in conversation, and everyone you brush paths with has something to teach you if you take a minute to let them. I'm also getting comfortable in my boundaries, being clear when I need to be, that it's a no. Clear communication is cool, ghosting is not.

I'm constantly learning more about what I do, and don't want. As I've gained experience and can compare, it's easy for me to see who I'm drawn to, and why. The why is important to me, as I want to be as smart as I can about this. I'm also able to learn and practice new skills that I hadn't had to before. It's been nice for me to build my confidence with dating, after feeling so low this summer. I don't know that I'm back at 100%, but I'm coming "back" more every day. And the only way to ensure this keeps happening, is forward momentum, and moving on with my life. 

I don’t know what the future has in store. I don’t have a single expectation at the moment. I honestly don’t. But what I do have, are the occasional butterflies, a nice evening with a nice guy, and something I hadn't felt in a really long time...hope.

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me, too

Written 1/7/2018

I’ve never posted about #metoo but after those POWERFUL Golden Globes tonight, I want to try to give words to what’s been swirling in me for months. First of all, I’ve learned I am incredibly lucky not to have a Me Too story to tell. I have never been a victim of sexual harassment or assault. Not in the way so many women have in the stories I’ve read. And for that, I’m SO fortunate. 

However, there are other ways men have wielded power over me, and I did NOT come out unscathed. I have encountered in my past privileged, entitled, holier-than-thou men who have never been stood up to. Who have never been told they’re wrong. Who have never been met with resistance. Who have never had a light shone on their weaknesses, to be faced and dealt with. Who have never owned up to their mistakes. Who never apologized for their mistreatment of women (me). Who never saw their mistreatment for what it was. And who always made sure I knew my place was under their rule and thumb. I first experienced this in my early 20’s. It would not be my last. I encountered men who tried to make me feel small, and question my own WORTH using fear tactics, threats...among other things. 

I’ve thought SO much about what a terribly sad disservice it’s been to these men, to have been brought up in a world where this behavior (and view of what a woman is in relation to them) is OKAY. In a household where this is OKAY. These days, as I move forward with a little man by my side, I’m constantly thinking about how I can make sure he is an integral part of this NEW wave. The new movement, and a part of the solution. My biggest hope is to preserve the softness, and sensitivities I see in him. To raise him to VALUE equality, empathy, compassion, and communication. To teach him that these things don’t make him less of a man, but a bigger and better person. To have respect for his fellow man/woman/human. And to know the inherent difference between right and wrong. 

The unity and the POWER of women right now is palpable. I can almost reach right out and touch the momentum. It has reminded me I am not alone. I am not small. And makes the ground under me feel a little more solid on days I still may wobble.


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"Part of what keeps you sitting in that chair in that room enduring harassment or abuse from a man in power is that, as a woman, you have rarely seen another end for yourself. In the novels you’ve read, in the films you’ve seen, in the stories you’ve been told since birth, the women so frequently meet disastrous ends."

-  The economics of consent by Brit Marling 

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Like riches.

It’s been a minute. In the notes on my phone are eight blog posts since my last published post here. Some are done, others are not. I re-read them, and they are all relevant, but at this point, I’m not sure they’ll make it over here. 

Time. Is. Magic. It speeds, it slows, I can almost reach right out and touch it these days. Time. Is. Funny. You tell yourself you’re absolutely certain of one thing, and then eternity happens to you in just six months. 

So here we are. Six months since my life changed, and an eternity behind me. You don’t know how it will happen, but one day you wake up ready to heal. Ready to move on. Out of love for real, and excited to open yourself (and your heart) to all the new possibilities that lay before you like riches. One day you realize that while you were busy dismantling your old life, the fabric of your new one was weaving in and out. Intertwining, building quickly, and solidly under you...ready to catch you long before you knew you were ready.

And to leave meant to replenish. 

So one day you just wake up, ready. And okay. And whole again. And happy. And even lucky. 

And you are reminded of something you already knew to be true. That when you tell the universe you’re ready, and ask for the next phase, she delivers. I can almost hear it. The woosh as she ushers out the old, and sweeps in the new. 

It’s the next act. Here are the new players. Begin. 

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On dating

A quick gripe. Sure, I’ve only been “dating” a couple of months. I’ve put the word in quotes, because I haven’t been serious about it yet. But in my brief experience so far, I am completely underwhelmed. 

Guys, can you please tell me why the following happens? And I’m not talking about hanging out, but a legit date(s).

1. I say I’m not interested romantically. You don’t give up. That’s intrusive, and only pushes me farther away.

2. You ghost. No explanation, just a total disappearance.

3. You ghost, but continue to keep an eye on my social media. Liking my posts, watching my insta stories, etc. 

4. You do 2 and / or 3 after you say what a great time you had, and you’d like to see me again.

5. YOU decide I’m not into you, and ghost. Then I hear later you’ve told a friend how I wasn’t feeling it. Uh...did you ask me? Nope. 

Unimpressed. 

Come on, guys. Manners. Make your mom(s) proud! 

Every guy I’ve met has been a dad. So...is it because my son is SO young? If so, then thank you for moving along (although clear communication would have been nice). My son is #1. I don’t sacrifice time with him. He’s the coolest part about my life. So, whoever I’m with has to get that, and be cool with that, too. 

If I let you into that part of my world, know that. That it is the BEST part of my world, and that I’m probably liking and trusting you. 

Is it because I move slow? I’m going to move slower than I ever have. Smart and slow. That’s the name of the game, in every aspect of my life these days. 

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Temporary housing

I’ve been a mama for a little over 19 months. 

Today I was remembering how I felt physically after giving birth. I’d never felt more •in• my body. Internally, I could feel every last inch, down into my toes. I was alive, and buzzing. I’d never felt that way before, or since. It lasted awhile, and then it was gone. The transformation into a new species was complete. One thing that’s never left me is a new level of comfort in the skin I’m in, and love for it. I still can’t believe I lived so long without the person I love most even in my life. This body was the vessel that brought him to me. It carried his weight, and his bones, and his soul. Being a human is weird, and has never really felt all that natural to me most of the time. Cramming our big souls and starstuff into temporary housing, full of mortal coil. But when I reflect on the day it brought me my Little Prince, I kinda don’t mind it at all.

And I know for certain there is magic at work out there, beyond this plane...

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Just one of those days.

Grief is not linear 

Love is not linear

In waves, forever in waves they’ll be.

Each person you pass by has been filled to the brim with good, and had a heart so heavy it’s all but bottomed out. Walking universes. How are we made survivable? 

Some days we are on top of the world, others we are under it. In waves, forever in waves they’ll be.

Just one of those blips, you know? Where I try to picture the future, and I can’t. Static silence. Black.

How can this be my reality? 

I’m having a (temporary) glitch.

Or this is my new normal. 

I busted my heart this year. That thing is BUST.ED.

I am continuing to survive the saddest thing I’ve ever survived. What a strange thing to say. What a weird planet.

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Man

When asked what I’ll look for in a future partner, an image immediately pops into my brain. Not of a person, a type, or a look. No. I picture a strong, vibrant tree. Straight lines, fleshed out, and beautiful. The roots traveling deep, reaching into the earth. I can smell the soil. Above the leaves, sunshine, and clouds. But above that, are planets and nebula. Swirling deep purples and blues. I can hear the motion. Boundless expansion. This is what I will hold out for, and there’s no time frame. A wise soul, endlessly growing in both directions. Feet firmly planted. Mind blown open. A man of both earth, and the infinite.

Shift happens

SHIFT.

For me it happened slowly...then all at once.


In four months time:
Life as I knew it changed completely. 
I underwent the most radical inward journey.
My thinking rewired. 
I ended up in a place I didn't think I'd get to for years. 


In four months time I deeply grasped:
People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves.
I am responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. 
Hurt people hurt people.
I am responsible for my own happiness. 
It costs nothing to be kind.

My biggest takeaway from the above, is that I AM OKAY. Not only am I okay, but I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OKAY. I will ALWAYS BE OKAY. And NOBODY CAN EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. Let me explain. I recently delved into what MY responsibility was in various situations, and relationships from past. I've been digging through the why's. Why I've chosen the romantic partners that I have over the years of my life, the friendships, why I've experienced certain situations as hardships. What was I believing to be true about both these trials, and various connections that kept me there? What was I believing to be true that sent me away? That made me sad? That made me mad? I looked at blame. If I blamed anyone through the years for letting me down, for breaking my heart, for ruining my life, for diminishing my sense of self, for disappointing me, I started to examine. I was a part of the experience. I brought something to it. My energy. Myself. My time. Me. When I look at me, what could I take responsibility for?

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a Byron Katie workshop. I was introduced to her teachings, The Work years ago by one of my best friends. I thought I grasped the concept, and I did...simply. The in-person crashed course CHANGED MY LIFE. I do not say that lightly. I will NEVER be the same. In the smallest nutshell, The Work boiled down asks 4 questions. When we're in distress, having anxiety, sadness, surrounding a disturbing thought, you ask: 1.) Is it true? 2.) Can I absolutely know that it's true? 3.) How do you react -what happens- when you believe that thought? 4.) Who would you be without that thought?

Through meditation on stressful situations, and inquiry of the thoughts we are believing to be true, we can begin to break it down and see things as they really are.

I am who you believe me to be. 
No person has ever hurt another. 

We are believers. It's innocent. A trick of the mind. It's impossible to change your mind from what you are believing in that moment when you're in the throes. But everything ends, and then you can begin to question. You place yourself back in that stressful situation. You may be surprised at what you find. What you're believing to be true you still may find is true for you. You may find it is not true for you. When you examine who you are without that thought about the situation, or person, you see them in your minds-eye completely differently. They may not look malicious, or cruel, or arrogant. They may in fact look scared, confused, hurt.

There is SO much more to it, and a process of turning what you have believed to be true about another back onto yourself, and an examination of your role. For example, you say of someone: "they're a coward". You say, "I'm a coward." You then find ways this is true of yourself in that situation.

Through this, I've realized many of my romantic attachments in the past were based out of my own fear. Fear time was running out. Fear there was no one better suited for me. Fear options were slim.

Fear I couldn't do better. 

Lifelong issues have rushed to the surface, and I can pinpoint and articulate them for once. There are old "truths" for me to now confront:

That I need a man to be happy. 
That I can't take care of myself financially without a man's help. 
That if a relationship is easy, something must be wrong. 
That romance is tragic. 
That there must be struggle. 

Romantic relationships have been a glaring want/need/priority through my life, as long as I can remember. Maybe because I never saw my parents in one. I can't imagine what it would have been like to see parents kiss, sleep in the same bed, go on a date, or say I love you. I wanted what I never had, desperately. I also feared I wouldn't have it. I feared divorce. Never, ever was I going to get a divorce. Well, I've got two (drastically different) divorces under my belt, and surprisingly, I am okay. I fully do accept my life. It's mine. It's what happened, it's all in, it's made me me.

No person has ever made me do anything! I have left when I thought I should leave. No one pushed me away. I have stayed when I thought I should stay. I could have walked out the door at any time.

I have wrongly and selfishly loved versions of men I've been with other than the version that was right in front of me. I've loved past versions, and future versions. Because of this, I've poked and prodded and wished for them to be things they are not, and I have experienced being poked and prodded and wished to be what I am not.

You can't teach a cat to bark. Some people spend a lifetime trying, and at the end of their lives the cat looks at them and says...meow.

Of her now husband, BK says, "he can't move me. I'll keep going with or without him." Imagine this said in the most loving, and grounded way. It makes all the sense in the world, right?! Why should anyone want anything less of me? Why should I want anything less of the partner I love?

But we blame each other for not living up to our visions. How could we? How could someone live up to my vision? It's MY vision! How could I live up to their vision? It's THEIR vision! Blame. The blamers, BK says are the most important people in our lives. They are the ones who wake us up. Those who agree with us don't teach us anything. We become the people we don't like. We ARE them. We see ourselves in others, and we become self-righteous. Advice you give to others is always advice for yourself.

I (you) am the problem. If I am the problem, I can take care of it. It's JUST ME. It's user-friendly. Everything that happens is FOR me (you).

BK said, "The more work you do, the more you fall in love with a beautiful mind. The clearer you get, you'll fall in love with a beautiful mind. It's a match. Like you thought [previous relationships] were a match. It shows you the distance you have to travel." This was one of the most comforting takeaways. No relationship yet has been it. The end all, be all. I have so far to travel! I am only at the beginning. I am aware of the gap of what I've experienced, and what is yet to be. The gap is vast, the growth has begun, and the end result can be nothing other than the truth. HOW. EXCITING. IS. THAT?!

Learning and beginning to practice this new way of thinking brings this image to mind:

I undserand far deeper than ever before how much we trip ourselves up. WE do that. By what we think, and believe to be true. I have literally not been able to walk out of a door before because of what I believed?! I have been this horse?! Amazing. I have felt a new lightness, a new compassion.


Learning that I am okay has been nothing short of transformative...
I had the power all along...



The best BK bit was this. "You've just been told a bomb will go off in 30 seconds and will end the world. Despite what you are thinking and believing...are you okay? [PAUSE] Yes. Now 15 seconds. Despite what you are thinking and believing...are you okay? [PAUSE] Yes. But the minute you start focusing, thinking, and believing the scary or terrible thoughts upon hearing that news...you've already blown up your world."

Lightbulb, on. I get it.





A few more nuggets:
-There is no hell so dark you can't go in and clear it all up. 
-Love is the power. (Love by our own definition)
-There is no one not worth listening to. You can always walk away. Do you walk away with anger or peace? 
-If you didn't compare yourself with anything else in the world, aren't you perfect?
-It's just an experience. It doesn't mean you ever need to experience it again. 



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One big goodbye

I've been thinking a lot about something an ex once said. This ex was my longest relationship. 8 years. While I wasn't ready for him, nor did I experience the romantic love needed to keep me there, looking back years later I can appreciate lessons he taught me in a whole new way. With time, distance, and the ability to compare, and contrast, I see that what I took as "too simple" was pretty darn enlightened. 

Our nights, and our Sunday's were filled with conversation of incredible range. Socialism, theatre, the universe, love, the seven wonders of the world, our dog, our childhoods, you name it and we would discuss it at length. Nighttime was often like a slumber party. We'd talk, and talk, subjects bouncing all around. We'd dig in, he'd entertain my curiosity as a willing, and equal participant. Always gentle, always open to philosophizing, he taught me to embrace, and appreciate my sensitivity. He loved my inquisitive nature, my deep thoughts, and big feelings. He allowed me to unabashedly and unapologetically be ME. I wasn't quite aware of it then, because he did it so simply. 

He was there through the first of the two hardest times I've lived through, the first being back in 2012. At this point, I knew I needed to be out of the relationship, but didn't know how to say or do it. Just then, I experience a slew of losses, and stayed put awhile longer.

We talked for months about loss, and goodbye. You'd have to scroll a ways back to find it, but there's a post here where I talk about him saying  life's a series of goodbyes, how "we all meet in the middle of one big long goodbye." I remember when he said this. It seemed uncharacteristicly profound to me at the time, although l think now I wasn't aware of his profundity that probably happened regularly. 

Five years later, I imagine him saying this, in our old kitchen. The way the light filtered in, the sound of his voice. He seemed to be discovering these words and idea in the moment as he spoke. 

This memory makes me sad, but the good kind of sad. A wave of nostalgia hits my heart, but a small smile spreads across my lips. 

His words are  a reminder for me to embrace the goodbyes. To accept, to release, to move forward knowing I will always encounter them. It's all life is...we all just meet in the middle of one big long goodbye. 

So small, and so big, isn't it?

Each goodbye teaching you how you will invest your time from here on out, what kind of people are needed next to sooth your soul, or teach the next lesson. With each goodbye, we are one evolution closer to our greatest wisdom. 

The reminder of our inevitable departure from this earth fills me with love, entire. Even when I think back the moments I thought I would die from heartbreak, I find comfort. It's all IN. It all counts. It all happened. It's all OKAY.

It's just life. This is the way it has to be.

One of my favorite quotes comes to mind, "we are all just walking each other home." We are all teaching each other along this blip of a walk, and I am grateful for each of my radically different gurus along the way. 

I am okay with where I am, presently. I can see it, it's almost tangible. Like a dot moving slowly across a line, approaching a finite end. We are all meant to be EXACTLY where we are in this EXACT moment. 

The dot is seeking...moving toward something brand new, and very much earthed.

I look forward to the next goodbye, and the next, and the next...

🖤

Power

They've always been my love language.
They're what impact me most.
Just when I was made to question,
I was reminded of what I've always known to be true.


Words 
still 
carry 
weight 


How validating.
There was never a reason for self-doutb.


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Let me be clear

There has been no questioning or prompting from outside sources, but I've been thinking that I needed to explain my writing a bit.

If you look back over the history of my blog, my writing peaks in times of sadness, and hardship. Heartbreak, in particular, seems to be my muse. It is when I am most open, in tune, and the words are immediate. They are raw. When I'm not struggling with something, I don't have much to write about. 

I've never kept a blog that is just day-to-day humdrum. That's not what this outlet is for me here. This is my heart-on-my-sleeve, pour-it-all-out, cathartic, therapeutic, artistic outlet for words. I have always said how much I love words. I love putting my feelings into form on the page. 

I like my writing, I take pride in my writing. I love the connection it gives me to others, when I hear feedback that I am speaking for / to them. 

But what I want to make clear, is that I put into words fleeting feelings. All feelings are temporary. My writing is poetic. It is not always literal. 

What I mean is, I am not living in sadness 100% of the time. I have moments of great happiness and excitement through the day, on any given day. I am finding as I get older, my natural state is optimism. I can't be held down for too long, without naturally bouncing back. Even when it means loosing the muse. 

I am not literally waiting for the one who broke my heart to bound back through the door, making our family whole again. Like any human, on occasion, I miss the good times. I do not miss the bad. I would not accept the bad again.

I am working through feelings when the flashes of hurt hit, and it feels so good to get them out here. I love the art of it, that the simplest flash sometimes spins into the best blog. I love the writings, and the musings that come. I love that they are coming, and that I feel connected to myself so deeply these days. Emotionally, and artistically. 

I hope that makes sense, and I hope all keep that in mind as you wander through my life here. 

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These days, I'm thinking a lot about the reset button. When you've lost everything, you have nothing to lose. I am redefining. Questioning what boundaries mean to me, in all aspects of my life, and consciously trying to set them where they haven't been, or where they need adjustments. I am looking deeply inward, asking myself what is comfortable to me. Where I can breathe easy, or not. Where I feel safe, and peaceful. What perimeters I can live with, or without. What I need in the space I exist in. What I look for in a partner, and in friends. What I need to continue to mother my child in the way I know is best for him, and for me. I am learning that the reset button is not the monster I thought it was. Not even a little bit. I continually feel myself expanding, attracting, ready to accept all my new adventures that are presenting themselves. I feel myself shedding the skin of my old life more each day. I just may not have much to write about soon...

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August blurbs

A couple of musings from August 16th, the anniversary that wasn't.

one

In 2012, I shattered, entire. As I built myself back over a summer, fall, and winter, I was never more open. The omens were everywhere, and that's when I learned the universe is tailored just for me, as it is for you. 

Relatives who had passed on came to visit me in animal form. The animals were everywhere. There were notes scrawled on the sidewalks, and the walls. I had visions of the child I would one day mother. I had dreams where I traveled from this plane, I saw heaven. 

Never again, have I experienced that kind of connection to the universe. Never again, have I been that earthed.

Maybe I didn't need it. Until now. "I could sure use an omen or two", I've been whispering to the cosmos. 

But I know it requires just as much effort on my part. 

I must not be cloudy. 

I must pay attention. 

I must know it when I see it. 

The visit from my ancestors yesterday was one. 

When you left me, I experienced a dream like those from five years ago. This time it was to be embraced by a real, and equal love. How different.

Today's omen came in the reminder that there are no coincidences, and time is magical.

A chance conversation with a stranger to give me all the right reminders, and to send me on my way...okay. 

two

What I would say to you today, if I could?

Today, I sat where we sat every year. I had to go to our spot, because where else would I go? Buried deep, or not so deep at all, was my hope to see you. To see you had taken the day off. To be here. 

"Your last name is Wride?" Surely someone would say. "How funny, there is a man here with that same last name!"

I wanted to write you. "Please, as someone who was so recently your wife, and love, give me a moment off the record. Please, if there is any part of you, I don't care how small, who doubts this...meet me tonight. If somewhere in there, past ego, past pride, you feel you don't want this, this emotional, financial, mental, devastation of us, meet me. Meet me in the lobby of our spot. 6 pm. The time we said our vows three years ago today. I'll be waiting for you with a glass of champagne. And if you choose not to, please don't use this against me. Please disregard this, as someone who was so recently your wife, and love."

In my minds eye, he he comes. He walks in, wearing his suit. He doesn't want our destruction. He wants to come home. "Yes," I say. But I approach delicately. I ask we just try for a day, or a weekend. It's so fragile. 

And that's where it stops. I can't see further. And I know I am not allowed to ask this of him, although this is my biggest wish. 

Come home, my heart says. Come home. 

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Happy Anniversary

Tomorrow is our anniversary. Three years since the most beautiful day of my life. My beautiful husband cried beautiful tears and spoke beautiful words he'd written, promising to love me forever. There are certain lines that still play in my head.

Today, I am sad. I am on day three of sad. After feeling pretty good for awhile, I'm experiencing a small setback. I am still so confused. I don't understand how one minute a family vacation is being booked, we are talking of purchasing burial plots, I am suddenly told I must have another baby or our relationship is over, then six days later, it's really done.

I told you on the spot I would do anything for you. Yes to anything, yes to everything. You tricked me. Did you mean to? I spent six days agonizing. Searching myself to see how quickly I could have another baby. At my deepest interior I found I could. I caught myself up, up to the immediate yes I gave you. Here I am. Our son is 17 months tomorrow. My hormones have settled. The haze has cleared. I am ready for our baby and my option is gone.

I may never be able to have another baby again, and you took it all away from me. 

So here I am. Sad, today. 

"I still feel like he is my husband, I still feel like I belong to him", I say out loud. I am certain if I try hard enough, I can wish it back into existence. He will reach out. He'll say it's gone too far. He'll be ready to put in the work. To apologize for ever scaring me, calling me names. The weight of this is just too much, today. 

I don't want to go it alone. I don't want to lose my life. My home. My family. I can't see into the future, and that's so, so scary. 

I am outside with my mom, and son. I am swirling inside with my thoughts and my should-haves and can't-haves. I am imagining various timelines for myself. I let myself linger in the one where I am still married to my love. Where we wake up in the same place. Where he comes home after work. Where I am pregnant. Where my time goes to raising my babies. Its a cozy, small life. The small life.

Right then, a breeze blows, and I feel the energy of my female ancestors pass through me. For a moment, I am frozen, chills run though my body. I feel the size and shape of my physical self, the space I take up, and I am more deeply rooted in my being than I have been in months. I am momentarily statuesque. "I can feel my armor", is what comes into my head. I let myself wear it in that moment, it all happens so fast, and I hear them whisper to me loud and clear, "oh no, you are not meant for small. There is big out there. There is big for you." And just like that, they are gone...

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