I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!
*All names are changed
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
March 30
"Well, last night was my birthday party. Last night was my first night out with The Guy. This isn't sounding like how I wanted it to. Maybe I shouldn't write just yet. I need to just listen to my music and think. Rewind and replay. He's courteous. He's gentlemanly. He's so incredibly beautiful. I forget what it's like to wake up next to someone. I could get used to that. I'm so scared. So terrified out of my mind yet I want to make an effort with him. I want to call him right now so bad my heart hurts. And that's what's scariest of all."
April 6
"One week since that delicious party. Well, I hadn't talked to Jenny since the night before I left for spring break...
[during spring break The Guy called wanting to get together, not realizing I was out of town. I couldn't believe the timing. It was also a strange time for me to be home. I'll elaborate more on this in the book but things had changed at home and this was the first time in my life I returned "home", but not to my childhood house. A lot was changing in my life. In my parallel lives, you could say. It was all at once. It was strange for me but I pushed my feelings aside, wanting to quickly return to NYC]
...so before my party we planned to meet at 8 at Java Shop. Flash back to a few days earlier making fliers in The Lounge, The Guy seeing them and inviting himself. So as I'm walking into Java, I check my messages...The Guy's trying to pass time until 10. So he meets us. He buys my drinks.
[I learn that his ex had moved to NYC with him from Louisiana]
We got to the Mars Bar. Me, The Guy, Jenny, her new boyfriend, the boy that had the party with goldschlager, Bobby, Oscar and his new girlfriend, Mark, Lynne and more. Martha showing up with a bouquet of flowers. Such great vibes. I was in all my birthday glory. Best birthday in a long time. Beats slumber parties. The Guy buys me food and drinks, and my friends buy me food and drinks and I'm told I'm not allowed to pay for a thing. I get a free mudslide on the bartender.
[It's amazing that I was almost never carded, and not on this night. We told everyone that I was turning 21, rather than 20 and nobody ever asked for proof!]
Then we move to St. James Place. Crazy, crazy night. Each place was an adventure in itself. Lots of dancing going on and I get The Guy to dance with me. A big deal for someone who "doesn't dance". Here, he asks me if I remember stairwells. If I ever think about them. Does he? Yes. Frequently? Yes. The bartender gives me a free birthday shot. The Guy gets me a midori sour on his own, remembering it's my favorite, although earlier swaying me to drink a long island iced tea. Then there were some men, one in a sparkly black dress, not like a drag queen but god knows why. And they want to take a picture with me, so I do. Mistake. Then they come back wanting to take a picture of me kissing the dress boy. Uh, no. Then there's the third place. The sexy greek place. By this time it's only me, The Guy, Jenny and her boyfriend, Oscar, one more guy friend and Martha. Sexy, sexy place. Me dancing up there with Jenny. Oscar and Jenny's boyfriend told by The Guy that he likes it better sitting down so he can watch me. Flashback of earlier in the night when he tells me seeing me dance was just one more thing to intimidate him. Even earlier flashback, he says he almost chickens out of coming to my party, and telling himself to "just call her!" But I got him up and we danced together. Since the last bar, lots of smooching...
...this time I'm able to take him up on his offer of going home with him...
...we fall asleep. The alarm goes off two and a half hours later but we don't get up. He puts his arm around me tightly, kissing my shoulder...I wake up all through the morning, knowing he needs to be at a rehearsal but I'm in a haze. I have to keep looking at him. I can't believe he's really there. It's The Guy. Making sure he doesn't disappear. Eventually we're forced to get up. He's two hours late. Shit. Then all day I wonder if going home with him was right. And I know I'm okay when I see him later at school. And then almost every day after at school..."
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Showing posts with label deena marie beanerlarue nyc new york. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deena marie beanerlarue nyc new york. Show all posts
Jun 20, 2011
Jun 7, 2011
My New York Diaries -Part 4
*All names are changed
Over the next little while, I'll be writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. Thanks for reading & supporting!
A picture of my first bedroom in my first NYC apartment, in the Bronx.
I had an air mattress to sleep on. I planned to buy a bed or futon of course, but I was so busy with everything else that believe it or not I hardly thought about it. In fact, I would sleep on this (soon deflated) air mattress for 9 months. It was basically like sleeping on the hardwood floor with little padding. How I lasted in those conditions that long I'll never know.
There were now a few other people I had met that I need to introduce you to.
*Brayden. He was in class with me and he was sweet, laid back and just plain cool. He always seemed confident, worldly and in control. He was a couple of years older and in a way he took me under his wing. He was very supportive and looked out for me. Giving me tips and telling me stories about the city, auditioning in NYC, etc. He was open minded and accepting. The type of guy who could get along with anyone. He made me feel welcomed and accepted and I was so grateful for his friendship. I'll never forget his kindness.
*Oscar. Oscar was originally from California but had been in NYC for awhile already. He was perhaps un unlikely friend for me to meet but would become a very important part of my journey as well. In fact, I'm not sure how we met or when we became so close. We didn't even have any classes together at first. And he was shy until you got to know him. I do know that we bonded over being the "Atlantic Babies". He was the same age of me and we both felt out of place at times being some of the few that were still not only under age, but teenagers. Our birthdays were actually just a couple of days apart.
*Mark. Mark was in class with me. He was 7 or 8 years older than me and I thought he was kind of cute.
More on all of the above later.
Now back to school. School was strict. In The Lounge was a huge white dry erase board where the schedule would be for each day. You'd find out what room your class was in and you'd better do it early. Each class technically started 15 minutes earlier than the given time. This was to ingrain in us the rule of being 15 minutes early to auditions and rehearsals in our professional career. Atlantic also believes and teaches that your professional career starts on your first day of school there. You are not allowed to audition outside of school your first year, so that you have the proper time to get out of old bad acting habits and begin to learn your new training. Sometimes class could be held in the actual Atlantic Theater, so there were times you'd have to book it a block or two to be on time. If you overlooked something and missed a class or were tardy, consequences were not kind. The door to any given class was locked at the 15 minute mark. You were not allowed and if this happened three times you'd be kicked out of the class. There were only a few times you could be absent, so it was wise to check the board, double check, and check again.
In my previous post I talked about not knowing how students were able to juggle jobs with the heavy school load. I never had to like some of them, I was very lucky. But I did work at the front desk of the Atlantic school in order to take money off of tuition. I answered the phones, transferred calls (sometimes unsuccessfully) and booked studio space when students needed to rehearse. Also in the office were ATC grads who worked there part time while out in NYC auditioning. I thought they were the coolest. Especially two of them who were particularly nice to me. They were best friends, *Lisa and *Tony.
I was still hanging out with Martha but she started doing something that would turn out to be the beginning of the end of our friendship. She was constantly pointing out my age in a negative way. Always reminding me that I was only a teenager and saying, without directly saying, that I didn't know anything and she did because she was older. She also thought Mark was cute. Great. But beggars can't be choosers and I still didn't know many people. So she remained my friend and roommate.
One night a group of us went out. A mix from various classes. I found myself sitting at a booth with a girl from another class, *Jenny. I loved her instantly. She was fun, bubbly, nice and we clicked right away. She would become, and remain to this day, a friend and huge part of my life. It was like a breath of fresh air to find a girl friend like this. I couldn't wait to get to know her better.
It turned out that living in NYC I could get away with something I wouldn't have been able to back home. Being served alcohol. I was rarely carded which meant I could drink. I was no longer living with parents, I was on my own with adults who did what they wanted (and had more experience with drinking than me) and let me tell you, I lived it up. In those early NYC years, I learned all about cocktails and going to bars and having a different kind of social life than I'd ever known or expected. I felt like the city was so full of opportunities, fun, things to do, places to go. I wanted to experience absolutely everything. Somewhere along the way I was introduced to whiskey sours, midori sours, and amaretto sours. Tasty, tasty sours. Problem is, the midori and ammarettos taste like candy and it was easy to drink up to six of them on a night out. Which happened frequently back then. This also meant that this would be the first time (and hopefully only, knock on wood) in my life I'd gain weight. Boozing like that with late night food to follow is a recipe for disaster.
We were also preparing for our first performances on the ATC stage. I was prepping two scenes, opposite two other women. One was a comedy and the other a drama.
I was learning all sorts of acting exercises that were taking me out of my comfort zone as well as opening my mind. A whole new world was being opened for me. I was learning about physicality in our movement class, my voice and sound in our voice and speech classes and how to start seeing and identifying what was going on in another person with our repetition class and allowing myself to be vulnerable enough so that they could do the same. Over the two years there, it was often emotional. For everyone. I never knew it would be like this. We deconstructed everything in order to rebuild with new knowledge. From my movement teacher pointing out that my hips were tilted, a little uneven, to walking across the room one at a time with all eyes watching in order to see if we were physically doing anything that needed to be brought to our attention in order to get to a neutral place. I never thought of myself as shy. In fact, I was quite confident. But I'll never forget how hard it was to walk across the room back then and just be. Then wait to hear what everyone else was going to say from their observation of you.
One night, a guy in our class threw a party. I was stoked. I remember it was an awesome apartment and he took a liquor from his freezer that had gold flakes in it. It was the first time I'd ever seen Goldschlager. What?! What a world I'd stumbled into!
This was the night I began to flirt a little with Mark. But you know what? I never truly liked Mark as more than just a friend. He was nice and fun to hang out with but I was only biding my time with him, mean as it may have been. I was still thinking of The Guy I saw on the first day of school. My memory is vague, being that I was a little drunk and it was so long ago, but someone that night told me (maybe the guy that was throwing the party?) not to attach myself to someone because it could be deceiving. Not knowing anyone, being in a new city it would be easy to attach myself to a guy, just for the sake of being with someone. I still think about that for some reason. I didn't think I was in danger of that but was it a foreshadowing?
I'd also met a few people from various classes when on breaks in The Lounge. I did meet someone who was in class with The Guy and I asked about him. I was told he had a girlfriend and they'd been together for two years. Two years! That seemed like an eternity. But it was okay. I knew that even though we had no classes together, our paths never really crossed, I wasn't sure how we were going to meet and he had a girlfriend, that we would still be together at some point. I know it sounds strange. I don't mean to say I didn't care that he was taken. It wasn't a malicious feeling. It was just something that I knew. I knew to be patient and that it was going to happen soon.
And as it turns out, I was right.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Over the next little while, I'll be writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. Thanks for reading & supporting!
A picture of my first bedroom in my first NYC apartment, in the Bronx.
I had an air mattress to sleep on. I planned to buy a bed or futon of course, but I was so busy with everything else that believe it or not I hardly thought about it. In fact, I would sleep on this (soon deflated) air mattress for 9 months. It was basically like sleeping on the hardwood floor with little padding. How I lasted in those conditions that long I'll never know.
There were now a few other people I had met that I need to introduce you to.
*Brayden. He was in class with me and he was sweet, laid back and just plain cool. He always seemed confident, worldly and in control. He was a couple of years older and in a way he took me under his wing. He was very supportive and looked out for me. Giving me tips and telling me stories about the city, auditioning in NYC, etc. He was open minded and accepting. The type of guy who could get along with anyone. He made me feel welcomed and accepted and I was so grateful for his friendship. I'll never forget his kindness.
*Oscar. Oscar was originally from California but had been in NYC for awhile already. He was perhaps un unlikely friend for me to meet but would become a very important part of my journey as well. In fact, I'm not sure how we met or when we became so close. We didn't even have any classes together at first. And he was shy until you got to know him. I do know that we bonded over being the "Atlantic Babies". He was the same age of me and we both felt out of place at times being some of the few that were still not only under age, but teenagers. Our birthdays were actually just a couple of days apart.
*Mark. Mark was in class with me. He was 7 or 8 years older than me and I thought he was kind of cute.
More on all of the above later.
Now back to school. School was strict. In The Lounge was a huge white dry erase board where the schedule would be for each day. You'd find out what room your class was in and you'd better do it early. Each class technically started 15 minutes earlier than the given time. This was to ingrain in us the rule of being 15 minutes early to auditions and rehearsals in our professional career. Atlantic also believes and teaches that your professional career starts on your first day of school there. You are not allowed to audition outside of school your first year, so that you have the proper time to get out of old bad acting habits and begin to learn your new training. Sometimes class could be held in the actual Atlantic Theater, so there were times you'd have to book it a block or two to be on time. If you overlooked something and missed a class or were tardy, consequences were not kind. The door to any given class was locked at the 15 minute mark. You were not allowed and if this happened three times you'd be kicked out of the class. There were only a few times you could be absent, so it was wise to check the board, double check, and check again.
In my previous post I talked about not knowing how students were able to juggle jobs with the heavy school load. I never had to like some of them, I was very lucky. But I did work at the front desk of the Atlantic school in order to take money off of tuition. I answered the phones, transferred calls (sometimes unsuccessfully) and booked studio space when students needed to rehearse. Also in the office were ATC grads who worked there part time while out in NYC auditioning. I thought they were the coolest. Especially two of them who were particularly nice to me. They were best friends, *Lisa and *Tony.
I was still hanging out with Martha but she started doing something that would turn out to be the beginning of the end of our friendship. She was constantly pointing out my age in a negative way. Always reminding me that I was only a teenager and saying, without directly saying, that I didn't know anything and she did because she was older. She also thought Mark was cute. Great. But beggars can't be choosers and I still didn't know many people. So she remained my friend and roommate.
One night a group of us went out. A mix from various classes. I found myself sitting at a booth with a girl from another class, *Jenny. I loved her instantly. She was fun, bubbly, nice and we clicked right away. She would become, and remain to this day, a friend and huge part of my life. It was like a breath of fresh air to find a girl friend like this. I couldn't wait to get to know her better.
It turned out that living in NYC I could get away with something I wouldn't have been able to back home. Being served alcohol. I was rarely carded which meant I could drink. I was no longer living with parents, I was on my own with adults who did what they wanted (and had more experience with drinking than me) and let me tell you, I lived it up. In those early NYC years, I learned all about cocktails and going to bars and having a different kind of social life than I'd ever known or expected. I felt like the city was so full of opportunities, fun, things to do, places to go. I wanted to experience absolutely everything. Somewhere along the way I was introduced to whiskey sours, midori sours, and amaretto sours. Tasty, tasty sours. Problem is, the midori and ammarettos taste like candy and it was easy to drink up to six of them on a night out. Which happened frequently back then. This also meant that this would be the first time (and hopefully only, knock on wood) in my life I'd gain weight. Boozing like that with late night food to follow is a recipe for disaster.
We were also preparing for our first performances on the ATC stage. I was prepping two scenes, opposite two other women. One was a comedy and the other a drama.
I was learning all sorts of acting exercises that were taking me out of my comfort zone as well as opening my mind. A whole new world was being opened for me. I was learning about physicality in our movement class, my voice and sound in our voice and speech classes and how to start seeing and identifying what was going on in another person with our repetition class and allowing myself to be vulnerable enough so that they could do the same. Over the two years there, it was often emotional. For everyone. I never knew it would be like this. We deconstructed everything in order to rebuild with new knowledge. From my movement teacher pointing out that my hips were tilted, a little uneven, to walking across the room one at a time with all eyes watching in order to see if we were physically doing anything that needed to be brought to our attention in order to get to a neutral place. I never thought of myself as shy. In fact, I was quite confident. But I'll never forget how hard it was to walk across the room back then and just be. Then wait to hear what everyone else was going to say from their observation of you.
One night, a guy in our class threw a party. I was stoked. I remember it was an awesome apartment and he took a liquor from his freezer that had gold flakes in it. It was the first time I'd ever seen Goldschlager. What?! What a world I'd stumbled into!
This was the night I began to flirt a little with Mark. But you know what? I never truly liked Mark as more than just a friend. He was nice and fun to hang out with but I was only biding my time with him, mean as it may have been. I was still thinking of The Guy I saw on the first day of school. My memory is vague, being that I was a little drunk and it was so long ago, but someone that night told me (maybe the guy that was throwing the party?) not to attach myself to someone because it could be deceiving. Not knowing anyone, being in a new city it would be easy to attach myself to a guy, just for the sake of being with someone. I still think about that for some reason. I didn't think I was in danger of that but was it a foreshadowing?
I'd also met a few people from various classes when on breaks in The Lounge. I did meet someone who was in class with The Guy and I asked about him. I was told he had a girlfriend and they'd been together for two years. Two years! That seemed like an eternity. But it was okay. I knew that even though we had no classes together, our paths never really crossed, I wasn't sure how we were going to meet and he had a girlfriend, that we would still be together at some point. I know it sounds strange. I don't mean to say I didn't care that he was taken. It wasn't a malicious feeling. It was just something that I knew. I knew to be patient and that it was going to happen soon.
And as it turns out, I was right.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Jun 3, 2011
My New York Diaries - Part 1
In just a little over a month, I'll be in NYC for a few days. Each time I'm nearing a trip there, or actually there I can't help but feel nostalgic.
It happens less, but every now and then I'm still pierced in the guts with an NYC flashback. Is that what it's like to have an acid flashback? I don't know. But I literally feel it. It hurts. It hurts so good. It makes me sad that it happens less because it means that that time of my life is getting farther away. I don't like to feel it slip away. I don't like to think of it in those terms. I just want to relive one day. Just one.
In honor of what was the most special, painful, tough and wonderful time of my life, my time spent in new york over a period of five years, I'm going to be posting a few snippets of journal entries over the next month or so until I go.
Please know how sacred that time was to me, how much it means to me that I documented so much of it. I am so grateful I have these journals I could cry. Please know what a big deal it is to me to tell you my story. It's so embedded in my heart of hearts in the most protected place that most of the time it's too hard for me to talk about it. It's taken me a long, long time to finally write it :)
This was back when you could wait with someone at the gate at the airport! This picture was the day I left. I remember right before I got on the plane, my dad burst into tears. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. I'll never forget it.
Packing up my childhood room at home
Saturday, Sept 18 9:25 am (quite a number of years ago ;) )
Right this minute as I am writing in this brand new journal, I am miles and miles up above Utah. At least I'm assuming it's still Utah, as I fly in this plane on my way to Las Vegas, where I will change planes and make my so longed for descent into the JFK International Airport. I'm on my way to study acting in NYC after all! I can't believe it! I'm going to be studying at the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School. It's so surreal, it's so perfect, such a fairy tale ending I almost feel guilty that it did end up happening for me.
...Suddenly there were 3 & 1/2 days to do so much! Wrap things up, get a hair cut, get my chipped tooth fixed, decide what to tak, make a ton of phone calls. Say some goodbyes, quit "Oklahoma:, etc. It was all happening so fast. It's so strange to me. Okay, here I was, still stuck in Utah trying so hard to listen to myself. To try and be still and really listen to my calling, to what I was supposed to do. East coast or west coast, what school, what agency, what theatre, etc. And although it looked like I'd be going to LA I couldn't ever bring myself to feel 100% right about it. I was fighting a sadness I was afraid would come with all of my might. I felt so stuck, school had started and all my friends were moving ahead. And I was just at home. I almost wished I was at least going to Westminster again, just to be around people, not to feel so backtracked and left behind. I ended up getting hired at Express and I was happy that I'd have somewhere to go and something to do to keep me busy, in new surroundings with new people. Although I had always planned to be in school, not just working in a clothing store. Little did I know, I'd never even have my first day on the job :)
...Here I go to NYC. The place and time of year I always planned and thought I'd go. And the most ironic part of it all is that I'm not going to any old actor training program. I'm going to the exact studio I wanted to be at since last year. My ideal place to study.
* * * * *
Wow. Its 10:11 NYC time. In in my "new room". When the plane landed at the airport, I was so scared. My heart was pounding, I felt shaky.
...I still cannot believe I did it. I left Utah. I have nothing here but myself. It's the weirdest, scariest feeling. I can't even describe what I'm feeling. I know I can let go, be myself, but with the right people in the right environment. I can't wait until monday, until I start doing what I do and meeting people like me.
* * * * *
9/21
It's a little past 8:00 in the morning. I'm sitting in the starbucks I go to everyday before school starts. Something I can't afford to do, but do anyway. I just have to write something, even if it's a paragraph. I need to get out some tension, release something. It's so hard. It's nothing like I thought. More than anything *Rob is the one that I miss the most. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I'm here to stay, I guess. It hasn't hit me that I'll see Rob maybe two times a year. I have learned that I was ready to leave my family. But I have learned that I need people. Friends, more than I ever would have thought. It's so hard. So hard. It would be so easy to just go back home, sure I want to but I'm not going to. I wouldn't be happy after awhile. I can't take the easy road. The high road is always harder. But I have to do it. I just hope I can have the strength to.
*names are changed. Rob was my gay BFF. We were inseparable.
It happens less, but every now and then I'm still pierced in the guts with an NYC flashback. Is that what it's like to have an acid flashback? I don't know. But I literally feel it. It hurts. It hurts so good. It makes me sad that it happens less because it means that that time of my life is getting farther away. I don't like to feel it slip away. I don't like to think of it in those terms. I just want to relive one day. Just one.
In honor of what was the most special, painful, tough and wonderful time of my life, my time spent in new york over a period of five years, I'm going to be posting a few snippets of journal entries over the next month or so until I go.
Please know how sacred that time was to me, how much it means to me that I documented so much of it. I am so grateful I have these journals I could cry. Please know what a big deal it is to me to tell you my story. It's so embedded in my heart of hearts in the most protected place that most of the time it's too hard for me to talk about it. It's taken me a long, long time to finally write it :)
This was back when you could wait with someone at the gate at the airport! This picture was the day I left. I remember right before I got on the plane, my dad burst into tears. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. I'll never forget it.
Packing up my childhood room at home
Saturday, Sept 18 9:25 am (quite a number of years ago ;) )
Right this minute as I am writing in this brand new journal, I am miles and miles up above Utah. At least I'm assuming it's still Utah, as I fly in this plane on my way to Las Vegas, where I will change planes and make my so longed for descent into the JFK International Airport. I'm on my way to study acting in NYC after all! I can't believe it! I'm going to be studying at the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School. It's so surreal, it's so perfect, such a fairy tale ending I almost feel guilty that it did end up happening for me.
...Suddenly there were 3 & 1/2 days to do so much! Wrap things up, get a hair cut, get my chipped tooth fixed, decide what to tak, make a ton of phone calls. Say some goodbyes, quit "Oklahoma:, etc. It was all happening so fast. It's so strange to me. Okay, here I was, still stuck in Utah trying so hard to listen to myself. To try and be still and really listen to my calling, to what I was supposed to do. East coast or west coast, what school, what agency, what theatre, etc. And although it looked like I'd be going to LA I couldn't ever bring myself to feel 100% right about it. I was fighting a sadness I was afraid would come with all of my might. I felt so stuck, school had started and all my friends were moving ahead. And I was just at home. I almost wished I was at least going to Westminster again, just to be around people, not to feel so backtracked and left behind. I ended up getting hired at Express and I was happy that I'd have somewhere to go and something to do to keep me busy, in new surroundings with new people. Although I had always planned to be in school, not just working in a clothing store. Little did I know, I'd never even have my first day on the job :)
...Here I go to NYC. The place and time of year I always planned and thought I'd go. And the most ironic part of it all is that I'm not going to any old actor training program. I'm going to the exact studio I wanted to be at since last year. My ideal place to study.
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Wow. Its 10:11 NYC time. In in my "new room". When the plane landed at the airport, I was so scared. My heart was pounding, I felt shaky.
...I still cannot believe I did it. I left Utah. I have nothing here but myself. It's the weirdest, scariest feeling. I can't even describe what I'm feeling. I know I can let go, be myself, but with the right people in the right environment. I can't wait until monday, until I start doing what I do and meeting people like me.
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9/21
It's a little past 8:00 in the morning. I'm sitting in the starbucks I go to everyday before school starts. Something I can't afford to do, but do anyway. I just have to write something, even if it's a paragraph. I need to get out some tension, release something. It's so hard. It's nothing like I thought. More than anything *Rob is the one that I miss the most. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I'm here to stay, I guess. It hasn't hit me that I'll see Rob maybe two times a year. I have learned that I was ready to leave my family. But I have learned that I need people. Friends, more than I ever would have thought. It's so hard. So hard. It would be so easy to just go back home, sure I want to but I'm not going to. I wouldn't be happy after awhile. I can't take the easy road. The high road is always harder. But I have to do it. I just hope I can have the strength to.
*names are changed. Rob was my gay BFF. We were inseparable.
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