Feb 10, 2015

| TOXIC | I tie no weights to my ankles

I woke up sick on February 1st.  I've stayed sick.  I've been sick for every day of February 2015 so far. Today is the 10th, and while that might not seem like much, ten days is an eternity when you feel as lousy as I do.

I haven't been this sick for this long in years.  It's been really strange.  It feels deliberate.  It feels like a culmination of things.  Everything in me feels toxic from my thoughts to my overall well being.  Like this happened to shake me up and show me something.

When you are rendered more or less immobile, when parts of you that you need to function are shut down, there is little you can do.  Everything is taken away from you.  You are left to focus on the essentials.

The first essential realization: You have NOTHING without your health.  When you feel that bad, you are ready to give up anything and everything just to feel well again.  Nothing matters.  Take my material possessions, take my arm, take it all! Just let me go back to normal.  I'll do anything for my ear to heal.  To hear again, for the pressure in my head to go.  For the deafening silence to stop.  I feel like I'm on the verge of crazy.  To not be exhausted from a day of doing nothing.  To stop coughing.  For my throat to stop hurting.  I don't want to be dizzy anymore.

I can't concentrate.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know if I want to write, or read, or sleep, or watch tv to drown it all out.  I'm just trying not to cry so I don't add to the stuffiness in my head.

No appetite.  Unable to taste.  I just looked in the mirror and gasped at my concave stomach and jutting ribs.  I even took a picture.  Woah.

It mentally wears on you that another day has passed and you are still home, in your pajamas.  I tried a couple of errands and outings the first week, but paid the price when I took a turn for the worse after.  So there you are.  Trapped.  The sun is shining, but you aren't well enough to be out in it and that's depressing.  Then it drizzles the next day, and while you feel better about being stuck indoors, the gray skies are depressing.

Depressing.  Everything is getting really, really depressing.

And every day is groundhog day.

Now let's talk about the fact that my profession is acting.  My fellow actors and theatre people will understand this.  When you are attached to a project, it is everything.  It is what your world revolves around.  The thought of not being able to do your job, to perform, is not only out of the question, but unbearable.  You show up.  You push through.  I've already had to cancel a photo shoot, and an on camera shoot.  If I didn't feel this bad, I'd be in a state of panic over it.

So what do I do? I'm not giving up.  I'm not giving in.  I'm trying to mentally and emotionally let myself chill out.  As much as I can.  I'm not good at it.  I'm trying not to force myself.  I have time.  I'm memorized.  I'm okay.  I will heal in time.  I'm okay.  I can't make myself better if I put pressure on myself, give myself a time limit.

The second essential realization: If I don't put my well being at the top of the list, everything else flounders.  Nothing can come before that at the moment.  No wonder they tell you on a plane to put your gas mask on before helping those next to you.  I get it.

Back to the beginning of the post.  Everything in me feels toxic at the moment.  I'm a vessel of poison that needs to be cleared out.  I feel like every bit of me needs an overhaul.  I've got to get the poison out.  Where do I start? What is this? What is it trying to tell me?

The third essential realization: The lessons the universe is constantly trying to teach me are the same.  I have not yet grasped them.  I am stuck in old habits, no matter how evolved I've become on my personal spiritual journey over the last four years.   PATIENCE.  SURRENDER.  ACCEPT.  ALLOW.  BE IN THIS MOMENT.  Don't create problems from nothing.  Don't create things that aren't there.  Don't dig for issues that don't exist.  Don't self sabotage.  Don't add to the poison.  It's okay to be happy.  It's okay to not have drama in your life.  Don't create it.  In fact, it's natural to exist in love and happiness.  Don't be so focused on others, on what other people think of you.  Stop worrying about how they judge.  Start letting go.  Let go.  Let go, Let go.  "You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go.  Let go them.  I tie no weights to my ankles."

The fourth essential realization: I've been through so much more than I ever could have imagined, or saw coming in recent years.  I've said it before and I guess I still need to say it again.  Maybe I need to run through the streets one day screaming it at the top of my lungs until it's finally out of me, I am surprised I survived 2012.  And while big and positive shifts started in early 2013, there were still hardships.  And guess what? I'm not over it.  Maybe I'll never be over it.  Maybe now I'm mad at it.  I've been left what feels like an impossibly fragile person.  I'm not done rebuilding.  I'm not done finding new strength.  I'm not what I once was.  I may never be.  I've been damaged in the process of surviving nearly insurmountable heart break and loss.  I've felt glimpses of that summer of sad again, and I never thought that would happen.  While new players have entered the scene and helped heal me, help me create my new life, I think I'm still in between whoever I am now and letting that girl I was go.  Let go, let go.  How do I let go when I'm sad over it, mad at it, and want to scream and scream until it's out?

It's okay to be something new.  It's okay if I never know that kind of fire and armor again.  It's okay to be inside out more days than not.  It's okay to feel it all, to the core, deep, deep, every time.  It's just who I've become.  Someone still trying to…heal.  Someone still trying to believe myself when I say "it's okay."

And hope that right now that the reason everything feels like it's whittling down, whittling away, is so that after, I will finally get to bloom.

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

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