May 15, 2012

Let me catch you up!

First of all, I hate that my poetry month project was abandoned before the month was up! I was very much looking forward to posting many more favorites and then blogspot up and changed their layout and every time I had a poem copied/pasted into a new entry here and pushed publish, it came out in a jumble. Things got busy, I didn't have time to look and see how to fix it. Here I am giving another entry a try w/out having copied and pasted so we'll see what happens when it's posted. I don't find this new layout better. :(

 Anyway. So many things are happening at once. Good, bad, you name it. The words that keep knocking are transformation and changes. I feel a new chapter coming. I've been transforming so much internally the last year and I feel a big shift just around the corner. I have always felt I work hard but I know I can work even harder. I know I can push myself more and take more on and I don't have to be stressed or feel overwhelmed. I can accept and allow. I can breathe through it and enjoy all that comes. Lately it's occurred to me that what I need right now to feel happy and more satisfied is to follow a code I've made for myself. It is to

1.) Say yes to everything
2.) Follow through with every commitment
3.) Be impeccable with my word
4.) Get involved

This includes staying as busy as possible. Busy is better. Throwing myself into situations I might not normally have said yes to. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Going to an event solo if needed. Meeting new people. Learning from them. Expanding. We are only human and we don't always practice what we preach. Sometimes we think we do, but if we really take a minute and look inside we see that we aren't living up to the way we'd really like, or what we might demand of others. This is something that resonated big time:

You either do or you don't. It's that simple. Not that the process is easy to get to where you need to be, but it starts with taking control. Taking action. Or not. I know I can be a better me. And this is not only spiritually, emotionally and in my actions but also physically. It's time to stop eating like a five year old and cultivate some eating habits that will make me feel better in every sense. I need actual nutrition I need to find what feels right as far as how much and how often. I need to cut out pizza and dairy and try to put an end to my stomach aches. I need to learn more and form new habits.

 Right now as I'm in this time of transformation I see everything differently. What I've learned in the last year has made me see the world through a new filter. This is mainly due to my New Age spiritual journey that's only just begun. I've never felt so at peace and so aware of what is and what could be true for me.

 I am also in the midst of another strange time with my family. I have no brothers and sisters. I grew up very close to my parents and my moms side of the family. Her two brothers and her two sisters, my aunts and uncles, were around all the time. Now one of my uncles lays in a hospital bed, and all my family is at the hospital until the wee hours and back at it the next day. It is the strange, touching, sad, loving and confusing to see my mom so unwilling to leave her big brothers bedside. It is a lot to process. What family means. What it will mean to lose someone and experience that grief for the first time. How you feel not only for the person in the bed, but for how your mother will cope. How his only daughter will cope. What lesson is to be learned from this. How this will impact each of those people at the hospital in that room. Waiting.

 I look around the room and think about how much tragedy seems to have befallen more of these family members than not. How it certainly didn't start that way. But how so many of them had control over directions their life took and seemed to give up. How they still have control and it's never to late to change direction. Wondering if this is the time when shifts are made for them as well? I stand, I observe. Half of me wants to run away and get away from it all. The other half wants to be there.

 I'm still sifting through my feelings. What I do know, is the first night I was there in the hospital I came across a quote when I got home that falls in line with what I believe to be true and brought me comfort. I have different beliefs than my family and I know we find what brings us the most comfort and feels right. It is our own individual path to follow and I'm glad they have pastors and prayers that bring that to them.

I've also been thinking a lot about detachment.

1.) Detaching from the ego.  "Your body was not created to bear the burden of your over attachment to it, but was created as a container for the light of your spirit."

2.) Detaching from others.  Deepak Chopra's advice on what to do when your love is not returned.  "Don't stop loving, ever.  But detach".  Those words have been on repeat for me.

Anyway, this is what I wanted to post in terms of my family:

 “You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every bit of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world.

You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got. And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you.

And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever. And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it.

And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives. And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time.

You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen." - Aaron Freeman

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