A new introduction.

Welcome! 

My name is Deena Marie Manzanares. Because I think it's far more interesting to know who people are, rather than what they do, let's start there. I am a highly sensitive person who often felt my heart was made of glass, my nervous system the outside, not meant for a world so harsh. Over the years, I learned to harness life's alchemy to redirect my perceived weakness into my superpower. I am the softest warrior you'll ever meet. 

I am a single mother to my son. I saw him in a vision years before he was even a possibility. Birth was the moment of my life. Housing the bones and soul of another is completely life-altering, and put all my priorities in just the right places. He is the greatest love I've ever known. 

I'm an actor, model, and tv host. Theatre, and storytelling are sacred to me. As an actor and as an audience member, I am able to dissipate into the whole. Relating to story reminds us we are not alone. 

I am a member of Actors Equity Association, and represented by Talent Management group. I am Brand Ambassador for local business Got Beauty. I am associate artist with the Sting and Honey theatre company. I am a tv host for ABC4. 

Over the years I created a large social media following after an extremely popular YouTube channel(s). 

I am a shapeshifting poet. My heart comes in many forms. My words, my poetry, my art, my exchanges with you. 

I'm in progress. I am a giant heartbeat. I am learning. I am sharing it with you here...

A year and a half.

The second my boy was out the door for time with his dad this morning, and I was alone, it hit me. I missed it. I missed this. I missed my blog. I missed typing up my thoughts and feelings specifically on my laptop in specifically this place. With radical life changes like motherhood, followed by single motherhood, it feels nearly impossible most days to not only have the time to sit and purge here, but also to fathom the mental and emotional capacity to even begin to find the words. Motherhood just gets busier. Babies don't do much. Toddlers do it all. Without the help of a partner, I pick and choose what I need each day when I get a minute to myself, and these days it usually means sleep. I've continued to share my thoughts, and feelings, and updates from my phone to instagram, but it's more like the cliff notes.

Logging in today, I was surprised to see my previous post. I have no memory of writing the last entry, "One year later." I read through it, and felt sad, and proud. I still have very similar feelings. I've been thinking about that the last few days, how everything is different, and yet the same. All the old versions of me that I've been through the years are still there, inside me, but buried, rearranged, and altered. I've been shuffled, and spit out, and I truly feel like it's a new chance at life that I never saw coming, one that will force me to completely reinvent myself, my wants, my intentions, my work...and I have no idea what any of that means yet.

My days are more good than bad now...and realizing that that was huge. A year and a half ago, I couldn't see my future. It's hard to explain how quickly the lights dimmed. It was instant, and I've never experienced what it was like to suddenly only see...black. I didn't think I'd survive. Healing is slow. It is an ongoing process. It sneaks up on you, and it happens bit by bit. I am not done, but I have been regenerating through this summer, and fall. I am finding my strength. I experience a quiet, fragile strength. It is not on display, it is not boasted, it takes conscious effort, it can exhaust me, and it is not as visible as I hope it is one day.

The outside eye sees me, and experiences me so differently that I see and experience myself. I'm a late bloomer in a lot of ways, when it's come to love, and awareness. What's been right in front of my eyes, and what hasn't. What's been true, excused, overlooked, and romanticized. This has made me more patient with where people are in their journey.

You cannot possibly know what it is you don't know, and each lesson is only mine/yours to learn on our own time, with our own experiences.

A big lesson in my lifetime is to trust myself. To know I am worthy and need not do anything to prove that. What is for me can't miss me. I don't need to chase, or convince anyone of that.

Easy. I need to let life come easy. Flow through it, move with it, like water. As if I've chosen every second exactly this way.

The end of this year has felt like a final exam. There are no coincidences, and in the last two months, life has presented situations to test me to make sure I've studied, and paid attention the last year and a half. Opportunities to say okay, this is what is in front of you. Are you seeing it for what it is? Or are you going to make excuses, because you want it to be something other than what it is? Now that you've rediscovered your worth, are you going to lower your value and expend time and energy in situations that constrict you? That add stress to your head and heart? Or do you get it yet? Do you get that you can say no thank you, next. And move forward?

When you pay attention, life feels tailored just for you. The more I'm in-tune, and connected to my truth, the more I see the omens, the "coincidences", and the more amazing / hilarious it is.

2018 is almost over. I am over my heartbreak. I have thorns in my side, but I know the jabs will lessen. They won't always linger. They may not even jab one day.

This is it. This is the end to this chapter. I feel it. I want it. I call it into being. The next few weeks are all about purging, and setting new intentions. Getting specific, and deliberate.

Forward. Forward now. With purpose. With balls, with a warriors heartbeat. Figuring it out a day at a time...

;

To be continued...


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