Dec 2, 2015

Those who cannot love us

I stumbled on this quote the other day and gasped. It so gracefully words something I am always in the process of. I'm not talking about wanting acceptance of others in a general sense, I'm talking about specific people who over the years have left my life. This has happened for various reasons. Some were because I left a long term relationship and they chose sides and made judgements, knowing nothing about my situation, my heart, or ever having a conversation about it with me. Not that it effects anyone but me and the person in it anyway. Others...I have no idea why they up and left. And some just seem to be on different pages, and I end up not seeing them as much as I'd like. All of the above I have a hard time with because I don't understand. I'm still looking for explanations and a way to move on.

I've been thinking a lot recently about who is in my life at this time, this incredibly sacred time of being pregnant with my first baby. Friends, and family both. I'm surprised at who has made an effort to check in. Check on me, want to see me, asks for pictures. I'm also surprised at who has felt absent. I wondered if I'd be discarded once I was pregnant?

Just like when I left my long term relationship and people left me, all I could think was, "but now you'll get me at my best! I'm free to live my truth! I am finally me!" Being pregnant is flying by, and I can't help but feel I'm moving away rapidly from those who haven't seen me since I've been pregnant, who haven't asked me much about my new family, who ask my parents how I am but never me directly, who seem too wrapped up in their own lives to make time for me. I'll never accept "I'm just so busy" as an excuse. I am very busy too. Everyone I know is busy with work and life and family and a million other things. But it is easy to make time when you want to. That's all it is. You set aside a couple of hours, or not. Sure things come up. Sure there are times when you'll need to reschedule. But I hear the static silence out there loud and clear. Meanwhile, an eternity is packed into one month during a pregnancy. Rapid changes, rapid growth, life at full speed. Not everyone wants to keep up.

I really wondered when I saw this quote why I'm putting any energy into those who clearly can't make that time for me? If I really think about how much I've dwelled on this, it starts to seem nuts. Why wouldn't I just chose to focus on who wants to be here, now? When I do, another aspect of all of this is very clear. I have not lost. I am not missing out. New people have entered my life. Amazing new women friends especially who make an effort in return and who have brought so much joy and fun to my life. Space has been made to let the right ones in.

This was just the reminder I needed to refocus, be grateful, and let go gently.

My life is full, and will always be. The right ones will always be there, at any given time.


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