For as long as I can remember

For as long as I can remember, I have been Christian in "Moulin Rouge". Driven by my, "ridiculous obsession with love."

For as long as I can remember, romantic relationships have been the thing. The quest for love has consumed, been the most desired, what I want most, the ultimate goal, and I (mostly) haven't thought twice about it, it simply was. But, if love's the thing, and the ultimate goal, that means I've put my ultimate happiness and measure of success in someone, and something else, for as long as I can remember.

With that gone, I am left up to my own devices to find out what else brings me joy.

I have spent the majority of my adult life in one long-term relationship after another, with virtually no breaks in between, from the time I was 19, until three years ago. You do the math. Married to two different people, yet spanning a decade total, I spent a part of my 20's and the better part of my 30's as someone's wife, in someone else's house, or working towards that, with someone else supporting me, and often, willingly giving to them the prime position...right at the helm to steer my ship.

I had two drastically different married experiences, for a whole bunch of reasons, but there were often times that I longed for what I didn't have. There were unsettled bits, flashes of longing for the lives I didn't choose, and the occasional pang that something still wasn't satisfied within me. I could never pinpoint it.

Those days are long behind me, and when I became a mom, all of the longing, the wondering, the restlessness, all but sealed up.

I also think about how even though I say I was single for the last three years, I truly wasn't for majority of that time. I was in a relationship with a court case. It was all consuming, and nearly killed me. I have only recently began to dip my toe in the pool of trust that I can relax, and flourish into a newfound life.

When I glimpse my strength, I am so full and satisfied with my ability to provide, and take care of myself, to do all the things I was made to feel I could never do...but also have emphasis on new aspects with my life and self, I am still re-shuffling, re-prioritizing, entire. Things are still shifting into place, and in many ways, I am only at the beginning of seeing where they will land.

This time leaves me to really figure it out, what I want, rather than choose what was really available and presenting itself, because now there is nothing to present, other than what I am creating.

It is a waiting game of learning, discovery, and being hopeful that life will still surprise me.

.
.
.
.
.

He came back. He didn't stay.

He came back. He didn't stay.

He said he loved me. Still. After all this time.

He said he was still obsessed with me.

He said nothing and no one matches the intensity he felt with me. He said he missed being "the hot couple". He said he missed being with someone who turned heads when we entered a room. He said he wanted to take me on a date. He did. He said he wanted to take me to Vegas. He didn't. He said a lot of other things, some of which did, and did not happen.

He said he was still obsessed with me.

He said he loved me. Still. After all this time.

And still, he did not choose me.

You can have a top spot in a heart, and still be denied.

He came back. He didn't stay.


.
.
.
.
.

Mostly Okay

Meme of person crying: "Me in my room imagining fake scenarios and hurting my own feelings." 

I saw this meme awhile back, and last night I did exactly this. What started out as a simple trip down memory lane, left me feeling so sad by the end that I actually cried. Like out loud, made myself sob.

Looking back at images over the last few years, instead of a feeling wistful nostalgia, I was just pissed off that I've lived so much hurt. And then, as if that wasn't painful enough, I created all sorts of alternate universes in my mind of where life could go from here, with every one of them leaving me the short end of the stick.

I totally understand how people get to the point where they no longer choose to open up their hearts, since it's just a big old disappointment every time. A track record of people never delivering.

Maybe there's a little bit of the past I still need to reconcile. Little pieces of broken hearts left over from the years, in the sense that you can be over something, you can move on, and move along, but maybe you haven't fully processed, fully absorbed? The little pangs of hurt haven't become part of the whole, and they can bump and sting, like a game of Operation.

Maybe quarantine is getting to me. I've liked being alone so much lately, but perhaps now it's reached a point where being alone too much isn't a good thing. It gives me too much time to wander in my mind, and I should have known that I have a limit there. It can become too much. My imagination, big feelings, and love of time to just think is what makes me a great artist. Performer, and writer. But. This is also what makes being human so damn tricky for someone like me. The spiral becomes too deep, and you long to claw out, but you've explored so internally you can't enter into the outside world yet, leaving you in a big conundrum. If you know, you know. 

Alone. This was the problem last night, you see. It was thinking about being alone...forever. And if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I'm up for that, should that happen. I started to worry about the types of love I have in my life, and is that enough to sustain me? Family, friends, and the love of my sweet son - which I am so lucky and grateful for.

But what about the other type of love?
And then...what if my son never sees me loved? 
And then...am I okay with that?!

I just don't know.

It's now the morning after, and I am out for a run. I notice my thighs hurt from last night's run, but my heart doesn't hurt from last night's cry. And by 9 o'clock this morning...I am mostly okay. Will I be okay in years to come? Will my story be beautiful? Are there great surprises in store? Will it all "work out"? Only time will tell. But for now, it's just 9 am, and I am mostly okay.

What's the quote? Something about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity? Well, consider me certifiably insane, because I will never close off. I will never stop trying.

I will not stop opening my heart, even though it's only ever ended...
And even though it's only ever ended...
I am mostly okay...

so...I keep running.


.
.
.
.
.
.

12 Reasons why Female Empaths Have a Hard Time Finding the Right Man

At this point I assume these articles will make me roll my eyes, but still I click. Glad I did. I related to this one so very much. Called, "12 Reasons why Female Empaths Have a Hard Time Finding the Right Man". Credited from the original source: HERE and copied + pasted below:

Empaths take their relationships seriously. They date with the intention of finding true love, preferring to form meaningful bonds rather than dating around or having casual sex. 

Sometimes, being a female empath can put you at a disadvantage here; in an era of internet dating and hookups, you will probably have to wait longer to find your perfect match.

Let’s take a closer look at the reasons why female empaths struggle to meet the right man:

1. They have an unusually inquisitive mind

Empaths don’t care for small talk. They’d rather talk about philosophical issues than reality TV, for example. 

Any man they date needs to be intelligent and open-minded. These guys can be hard to find.

2. They are prone to strong, sometimes unpredictable mood shifts

Because they are easily influenced by their environment and other people’s emotions, an empath’s moods are liable to change with little warning. 

This can be hard for men to accept. Female empaths need partners who understand that they are unusually sensitive.

3. They aren’t afraid to show lots of love and affection

Open displays of affection can feel overwhelming, especially for men who have been raised to hide their emotions. 

A female empath might have to look for a long time to find a guy who is happy to share lots of hugs and kisses.

4. They expect commitment early

Empaths make up their minds quickly when it comes to committing to an exclusive relationship. They don’t hang around waiting for a man to choose them. 

They are highly self-aware, and prefer not to put themselves in dating limbo.

5. They are good at spotting liars

Lots of men embellish the truth or lie by omission, telling them what they want to hear. Empathic women pick up on inconsistencies and insincerity within minutes, and immediately lose all trust and respect they had for the guy. 

6. They can be too quick to take on a “fixer” role

Some female empaths have a tendency to choose men who are in great need of psychological, financial, or spiritual help. 

Even though it isn’t their responsibility to fix his life, they choose to adopt the role of therapist, bank, or nurse. This can result in unhealthy, one-sided relationships.

7. It takes time for them to get over past hurts

Because they are so sensitive, empaths can struggle to move on when they’ve been wronged. Although they are quick to forgive, they seldom forget. 

Because they are slow to trust someone new, they require a very patient partner. This can be hard to find. 

8. They need a man who is always true to his word

To win an empath’s heart, a man needs to keep his promises. Female empaths can’t cope with betrayal or violations of trust. 

She might overlook a couple of minor transgressions, but she won’t be able to tolerate a man who keeps changing his mind or canceling plans.

9. They are very honest

Empaths don’t sugarcoat the truth. If their partners ask for their opinion, they won’t hold back. 

This can be tough for a man to deal with, especially if he has a particularly fragile ego.

10. They are easily offended by harsh words

Every insult and unkind word pierces an empath’s heart. She can’t tolerate hostile conflict, and won’t stay long with a man who doesn’t know how to communicate respectfully. 

She needs a partner who can talk about relationship problems without becoming aggressive or dismissive.

11. They pour a lot of time and energy into their family and friends

Empaths are dedicated to their romantic relationships. However, they also prioritize family and friends. 

A female empath needs a man who appreciates that they won’t always come first.

12. They need a lot of time alone

ife as an empath is hard work. Empaths are affected by other people’s moods in every situation. For the sake of their mental and spiritual health, they need to recharge alone on a regular basis. 

Therefore, they need to search for a man who is secure enough to love an independent woman.

.

.

.

.

Cosmic Contract

Isn't it curious, how we can long for elements of earth we didn't grow up with? We can be called by the sea, knowing we should be by water, before we even see it. There is a pull of the familiar, an inherent knowing, without any concrete proof, that we're not where we belong.

I was born in a place with harsh winters, and cold parts of the year that last too long. I am uncomfortable when cold, covered, and bundled. I feel restricted by long pants on my legs and long sleeves on my arms. Trapped. I am much more myself when little material covers me. When my skin feels the environment on it. Bare feet on earth. Air on my limbs. Water on my skin. Perhaps I was meant to plop on a beach, eating a piece of fresh and sticky fruit, any given day of the year. To live a little more wild. Feral, almost.

If I could, I would pack up and move tomorrow.

I am constantly looking up as I walk, to the sky. Anything to remind of expansion, that the planet is big, and what lies beyond is bigger.

How curious, that I should find myself tethered in this life. Bound, for awhile, too and for a magical little boy, sent straight from the stars.

Perhaps that's why I have lived so many lives here. Married. Divorced. Maybe that's why I have lived so many places, after leaving my childhood home. The home that disappeared after, and would never be an option to set foot in again.

Snippets, vignettes, with different partners, different times. I have already been so many people. I've died, and been reborn again and again right here while living. Maybe, before this round on earth, my bones knew I'd be tethered, and I made an unconscious cosmic contract to live...in bits. To always be new. And each path is the right path. Every time.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't regret a single life.

Perhaps, what I've been looking for...a place to land, simply doesn't exist. Words I wrote in my early twenties while living in New York pop into my head, "I move around the world to find my home, and I still can't get it right."

Maybe I'm not meant to ever land..but just to evolve, and evolve, and evolve...constant motion...like the water I seek. Constant chapters, dying, and being reborn.

.
.
.
.

Happy

4.26.2020


I am happy today. I don't feel this way often. Let me explain.

I have always inherently understood that happiness is not sustainable. It's not a place we end, but a place we land...from time to time. That we each come earth-side with our natural dispositions, and while we can adjust, and be influenced to a point, our temperature seems to be set where it's set, and we inevitably come back to land there.

I remember reading a book in my 20's that finally explained what I'd always known, which was that there are a million other things to be, rather than "happy". That is not to say I never land in "happiness", but the feeling of happiness that comes full on, that lasts the majority of the day, the whole body all-encompassing feeling of joy, just doesn't hit often.

And this is not to say that if one does not experience joy, that they must be experiencing it's opposite, for I do not exist full time in sadness, but rather, am a mix of many things.

I default in: a bit of melancholia, wistfulness, nostalgia, wonder, curiosity, and my other things I lack the vocabulary for, that make up my inner storm.

But when days like this hit, where my body is light, where I dwell lightly in it, when I have a pep in my step, a twinkle in my eye, and a smile on my face, when I have landed for a moment in happy...those days feel so good.

And I think they are extra special, because they don't come often.

Like a holiday.

I appreciate it like a holiday...


.
.
.
.
.

The Responsibility of Sensitivity

I posted the first part of this on social media, but was working on a much larger version here. It's finally done. Here you go. 

It took me years to understand my sensitivity was my language on this earth, and that there would be no stamping out my essence. It took decades to learn it was my superpower.

I get to experience this world with vibrancy. With a bottomless heart, so full of love to give that it feels too big for my body most days.

My superpower means that I say yes more than no, I am not afraid to swing big, to miss, to burn it down, and to try again. I only know limitless, and I want to feel it ALL.

It means full out, head first, and there is no room for lukewarm or half-hearted anything.

It means I am okay with jumping first.

It means I am brave as hell.

It means I am the softest warrior you'll ever meet.

And it means in this life, I'll never be half-alive.


* * * * * *

I remember reading a quote years ago that said, "If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." I remember thinking how terrible that sounded. Only recently have I begun to understand what those words mean, and how beautiful a concept it actually is. Now I hear it and think of my sensitivity, and when I think of my sensitivity these days, a new layer to my understanding of it is emerging. One that has a few themes, like patience, and limitations, but is truly about responsibility.

The responsibility and ownership of highly sensitive feelings.

I think back on many times throughout my life where I was left waiting for a pice of the puzzle to slide into place. You see, I love hard, I make my mind up quick, and am prone to tunnel vision.

This means, when I'm in, I am in. I want what I want, and I love you/it to the bones.

This means I've often been left waiting for the other party to join me in the jump. This applies to everything from a romantic partner, to an RSVP for an event, to a career endeavor. And I am not a naturally patient person.

This means, I've spent a lot of time in my life feeling like someone else held the cards. As I'd wait for them to make up their mind, or what felt like to "choose me", I've often feel helpless, swimming in a sea of giant feelings. I've asked myself why my fate often feels in the hands of the other party, and why this theme had recurred through my life.

Only recently have I had a revelation about this, and that is the one of responsibility.

I am built to know my heart.
I am built to jump quick.
I am not afraid to feel intensely.
This makes me brave. 
It's unfair to grant someone power over me.
Nobody gets to govern me, but me.

Maybe I want, love, and long at a higher frequency than most, but nobody asked to be the captain of my ship, and if I turn myself over to someone / something beyond my control who never asked for it, that's unfair. That's a pressure they've never asked for, and most likely are unaware of.

My responsibility for my sensitivity boils down to this: fully owning the depths at which I swim, and going there willingly, unharnessed, regardless of what the other side should ever choose.

Here I am. 

I vibrate intensely, deeply, fully, and you can swim here with me -
should you choose to.

I will never be afraid. I will risk. I'm okay with jumping first.
I'd rather try and not get what I desire than never know.
I'd go to the ends of the earth, right now, today, easily, for my heart.

And, "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."
No regrets on offering up my lovely bones, entire.
I'm okay with loving more.

Always.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The growing ghost

I'm struggling, sweating. It used to be easy to carry him, but now I can only do it for a finite amount of time. It's getting shorter, and shorter.

"Stop for a second", I tell him. "I want to remember this forever. What it was like right before you turned four." But he's gone, in a flash, running past me.

We're making ramps for our cars out of dirt. "Don't worry, mom. We can wash our hands at home." Since when does he tell me not to worry, and hatch the plan?

I think of when I placed my hand on his brand-new 7 lb body, on his chest to comfort him. "He calmed down when his mom came in", the doctors said. "I'm a MOM", I thought. I try to recall it, but I've already forgotten...

"Hold me mom", I carry him home. He's half my size now, and this is where I struggle...but knowing I'm on borrowed time, I push through. He turns into me, putting both arms around my neck, head nestling in. I try to memorize exactly this moment...they are getting fewer.

But it can't be captured, it is ethereal, a living loss, a growing ghost. Intangible, and can't be kept.

I try to remember what it felt like when he was a baby. I've already forgotten...



3.10.2020


.
.
.
.

“That’s not how my story is supposed to go.”

“That’s not how my story is supposed to go.” 

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that. I’d have a whole bunch of nickels.

Now it’s been so long since I’ve thought that, I can’t believe there was a time when I concerned myself with any “supposed to’s.”

Over time, I’ve shaken off all the old stories. I belong to no titles, I have outgrown all molds. The biggest surprises that have come my way have made my life big. To not know what’s coming keeps it expanding...

Anything and everything is possible. It’s all happened. It’s yet to happen. I used to long to have answers, and want them to fit neatly in a box. This isn’t to say I don’t find new bones on which to pin new dreams, but when I find myself doing so, I check myself. 

No expectations = no limitations.

Now, the unknown is what keeps me going. What’s next? I have no idea, thank god. All is possible.

.

.

.

.

Turn back dull earth, and find thy center out

A plane flies over, against a little patch of blue in an otherwise gray sky. Ohhhh, I breathe while watching. "That looks like freedom." I am instantly aware of my feet on the ground, and how heavy they feel. For as long as I can remember, I have had a desire to be off the earth, and in the sky. Always aware of the restriction of gravity, and being bound.

It's simply one of those days, you see. Where I feel a bit unsteady, untethered, looking for a touchstone, but not really knowing what that means, today.

I think of 2011, when I discovered the Camino de Santiago. I knew I had been called, and I knew one day I would make my pilgrimage. I keep thinking about that now, as I spend each day walking. Pushing myself to go farther, to take new routes. Experiencing my home on foot the way I normally don't. The way I do if I'm in another place, the way I do in NYC, but haven't here. I wonder to myself, "why?"

Perhaps, for now, this is my Camino. This is my pilgrimage. Perhaps this is the time I learn how to be grateful on foot.

I walk. I press on, beginning the pilgrimage to my restless heart.




.
.
.

Mask

I am walking, and I find that I am smiling...for some reason. I think it is just being outside, in the sun, breathing in fresh air. It invigorates.

I think about the mask workshop I took in NYC, and how there was a woman in the class who was always smiling. "No one is that happy", I thought to myself.

I've been thinking about that workshop lately. It was 2012, and that was the first time I died.

My grandpa had just passed away, I couldn't get home fast enough. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

I picture myself in front of the class, both hidden and exposed by the wearing of this mask, trying my hardest to send out my heart. My energy, right from that spot smack in the center of my chest, out and over the sea, to a loved one who had just left, as the assignment required.

Stretching. Expansion.

I look up as I walk, I'm always looking up, to see what's above, what messages are in the sky. My constant, to remind me that life is still big.

I think about the time I stood on a Hawaiian beach, observing a father teaching his toddler how to surf, my writing of this observation, and the realization that there are so many ways in which to live life, and parent a child. This child of the waves teaching me a lesson in expansion in that instant.

It has never left me.

There is a new corner of the world, just every few miles.

Endless possibility at our feet.

I keep walking.

.
.
.
.

March 26, 2020

“Guide me to, guide me from, guide me home”, I said to the stars. 

Like a cosmic prayer, it came to me one night. 

I’d made a habit of consulting the stars nightly before bed. 

Mid February, before the world fell apart, I wrote of “expansion, and being bound.” These words, this juxtaposition, now a prophecy. A foretelling.

My lessons are coming in hot. Lessons in distance and closeness, in tribe and solitude. 

I called them into being. The stars delivered.

The world shrunk and grew in an instant. So did my home, and my heart. 

I am filled to the brim with more than I can alchemize into words just yet. 

What a beginning to this new earth...the next chapter...

Not a soul with the answer. 

And that’s strangely comforting.

.

.

.

.

Thirtysomething things I've learned in thirtysomething years

I did more than thirtysomething things...I could keep going. Maybe I'll just add to the list here and there, but here you go:

The unthinkable will happen.

It pays to say yes rather than no to adventures and opportunity.
 
You can’t help who you’re attracted to, and who you're not. Neither are to be forced.

Your perceived weaknesses are most likely your super powers.

You don’t know what kind of parent you’ll be until you are one.

You can’t possibly know how to parent your child until you meet, and get to know them.

Time will speed up the older you get.

You will look back on just about every phase with nostalgia, even the rough stuff.

You probably don’t know how good you have it.

People would never guess how bad you’ve had it.

We are all just souls, more alike than not, 
experiencing life in whatever body we happened to be born in.

It takes a long time to learn to love selflessly.

What you feel shame over is probably your greatest story to share and inspire others with.

Everyone is connected.

Everything is connected.

Birth and death are parts of the same whole.

Some things feel cosmic, biblical, and cannot be explained

The universe is full of love notes, and when you tune in, you’ll feel the world has been tailored just for you.

There are too many “coincidences” to not questions sometimes if you are, in fact, in “The Truman Show”.

Gratitude is everything.

Friends are important, chose them wisely.

Don’t give too much of yourself to those who don’t deserve it.

It is impossible and nonsensical to judge another, you simply cannot know what it’s like to experience life from their point of view.

You will have dreams that will come true.

Life will be full of curveballs, and the surprises will be some of the best things to happen.

You will survive that which you’re sure you can’t, should you chose to.

Your feelings will get hurt, and your heart will get broken, and there will never be an age where you’re immune.

You can’t love someone enough for the both of you.

Not everyone will want to do the hard work it takes to sustain a relationship, a friendship, or want to grow...those are not your people, if you’re a seeker.

You’ll experience yourself differently than the outside world perceives, and their perception has little to do with you.

Consult others for opinions at your own discretion, but in the end, only you steer your ship, and know where it needs to go.

If you feel stifled, or have a hard time expressing yourself, pay attention...go where breathing comes easy.

Human connection is vital.

We are all eachother’s teachers.

When it comes to religion, let people believe whatever they need to leave to get through life, but never let someone tell you their way is you are way too if it doesn’t ring true for you.

There is never just one possibility, or outcome, there are many.
At first that will overwhelm, but in the end, it is your freedom.

Soulmates can take many forms; lovers, friends, family, and animals.
 
Give yourself grace for doing whatever you knew how to do, until you learned to do better.

Each baby arrives earth-side absolutely perfect.
You’re supposed to be here, right at this moment, however you are.
 
You can’t imagine how quickly things turn.

Life is a series of goodbyes.

This too shall pass - the good and the bad.
Nothing lasts.
Not one thing.

Awaken II

In the midst of social distancing, I experienced an incredible closeness. Sometimes people come into your life in the most sudden, and unexpected ways, leaving you forever changed, and there is no going back to before, from a crash course in life, and love.

He's on his way back to France. I'm sure you're curious about this story, but it's mine to keep. I will never claim to know what the future holds, where the path may lead, or why ours crossed, but to him I am so grateful. Magic is real. He brought me back to life.

.
.
.

I watched him walk away, trying to memorize it. Burning the image into my brain, not wanting to forget. As I drove away, I was not yet able to turn on the radio, or hear any music. Not yet ready to fill myself with anything other than what I was feeling. Never having had a goodbye like that, one that was so sad, because my heart is so incredibly full. 

What's next? I ask myself. Now? But it's not an empty question. I feel as though I've been loved right back to life. 

Sometimes people just belong. They just fit. And life, and home expands. And breathing is easy. 

.

.

.

.

.

Awaken

Once upon a time...

...there was a girl who, for more than two and a half years, kept her heart under lock and key. With high built walls, and a certainty she was irreparably broken.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't connect. She felt out-of-body, without access to her own heart.

Wrong pieces of the puzzle, every time. She resigned herself to the fact a part of her had closed, and no matter who knocked, it was impossible to answer.

But then.

Something unexplainable happened. Something clicked. Switched. She was comfortable. She was vulnerable. She felt. And it was all okay. She fell in sync with him, with ease. And she began to awaken.

Like Sleeping Beauty after the kiss, 
like the earth after the rain, 
she reignited. 

She could feel her heart again, and her heart could feel.
Natural. Equal. It simply...was.

Re-inspired. As a woman, as an artist. Given fresh eyes in which to see her city, her life, and her current path. Laid out before her like riches, she goes forward.

Open, and able to feel, once again.

No matter where the path leads, she is grateful to him, for his gift to her.

As it turns out, magic is very, very real.

.
.
.

Expansion, and being bound

I am looking at the moon, and thinking both of expansion, and being bound.

I forget. I so often forget that I am a Russian nesting doll, with so many lifetimes inside of me. I've lived in other cities, I've had a big life. Teardrops are here, and on the streets of New York.

How do you ever properly close a chapter? This one has been long. The one where I am a single mom. I've been a single mom, on my own for so long now, I can't imagine what it wouldn't be like.

This is the one where I own my own my own little condo. The space that I call home for myself, and my boy. This little space of the world. This tiny square of earth...how can it feel so small, and so vast?

I think of when I was in elementary, and I was so aware of the weight of my being and the space I took up. If I stood in the corner of my room, that is all I would occupy in the world. But I felt so much bigger than what I realized I was restricted to.

I think of how ancient I was, when I was new. I think of my boy, and wonder how he experiences his being, and wonder if he is aware of his vastness or his restriction.

I am many lives packed neatly into one, wondering how you ever say goodby, or move forward, propelled into the unknown again and again...

.
.
.
.
.