Happy

4.26.2020


I am happy today. I don't feel this way often. Let me explain.

I have always inherently understood that happiness is not sustainable. It's not a place we end, but a place we land...from time to time. That we each come earth-side with our natural dispositions, and while we can adjust, and be influenced to a point, our temperature seems to be set where it's set, and we inevitably come back to land there.

I remember reading a book in my 20's that finally explained what I'd always known, which was that there are a million other things to be, rather than "happy". That is not to say I never land in "happiness", but the feeling of happiness that comes full on, that lasts the majority of the day, the whole body all-encompassing feeling of joy, just doesn't hit often.

And this is not to say that if one does not experience joy, that they must be experiencing it's opposite, for I do not exist full time in sadness, but rather, am a mix of many things.

I default in: a bit of melancholia, wistfulness, nostalgia, wonder, curiosity, and my other things I lack the vocabulary for, that make up my inner storm.

But when days like this hit, where my body is light, where I dwell lightly in it, when I have a pep in my step, a twinkle in my eye, and a smile on my face, when I have landed for a moment in happy...those days feel so good.

And I think they are extra special, because they don't come often.

Like a holiday.

I appreciate it like a holiday...


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The things that will break your heart...

…if you think about them for too long.

My childhood home:
Thanksgiving dinner around the dining room table
Countless hours spent decorating, cleaning, and rearranging my bedroom
Writing for hours in my journal on my bed
The christmas songs my Grandma played while we decorated for the holidays
The storage I was often scared to go into under the basement stairs. One bulb to light it, turned on by pulling a string.
The smell of the candles and christmas decor coming out of the big brown boxes for the first time each year.
Christmas eve
Christmas morning 
Girlfriends over to get ready for a night ahead
Girlfriends sleeping over after a magic night out

Teenage adventures:
Roller skating with my girlfriends, excited to see the boys at the rink
Talking about boys and analyzing everything into the wee hours of the morning
Lunch with my girlfriends at school
Passing notes
The simplicity of growing up before social media,
and media overload in general
Young heartbreaks that make me smile years later rather than cry
My first car
The complete safety of being at home, before you embark on true experiences and growth, that you don't know how to appreciate until it's gone.
Ignorance
Protection
Being a child