For as long as I can remember

For as long as I can remember, I have been Christian in "Moulin Rouge". Driven by my, "ridiculous obsession with love."

For as long as I can remember, romantic relationships have been the thing. The quest for love has consumed, been the most desired, what I want most, the ultimate goal, and I (mostly) haven't thought twice about it, it simply was. But, if love's the thing, and the ultimate goal, that means I've put my ultimate happiness and measure of success in someone, and something else, for as long as I can remember.

With that gone, I am left up to my own devices to find out what else brings me joy.

I have spent the majority of my adult life in one long-term relationship after another, with virtually no breaks in between, from the time I was 19, until three years ago. You do the math. Married to two different people, yet spanning a decade total, I spent a part of my 20's and the better part of my 30's as someone's wife, in someone else's house, or working towards that, with someone else supporting me, and often, willingly giving to them the prime position...right at the helm to steer my ship.

I had two drastically different married experiences, for a whole bunch of reasons, but there were often times that I longed for what I didn't have. There were unsettled bits, flashes of longing for the lives I didn't choose, and the occasional pang that something still wasn't satisfied within me. I could never pinpoint it.

Those days are long behind me, and when I became a mom, all of the longing, the wondering, the restlessness, all but sealed up.

I also think about how even though I say I was single for the last three years, I truly wasn't for majority of that time. I was in a relationship with a court case. It was all consuming, and nearly killed me. I have only recently began to dip my toe in the pool of trust that I can relax, and flourish into a newfound life.

When I glimpse my strength, I am so full and satisfied with my ability to provide, and take care of myself, to do all the things I was made to feel I could never do...but also have emphasis on new aspects with my life and self, I am still re-shuffling, re-prioritizing, entire. Things are still shifting into place, and in many ways, I am only at the beginning of seeing where they will land.

This time leaves me to really figure it out, what I want, rather than choose what was really available and presenting itself, because now there is nothing to present, other than what I am creating.

It is a waiting game of learning, discovery, and being hopeful that life will still surprise me.

.
.
.
.
.

He came back. He didn't stay.

He came back. He didn't stay.

He said he loved me. Still. After all this time.

He said he was still obsessed with me.

He said nothing and no one matches the intensity he felt with me. He said he missed being "the hot couple". He said he missed being with someone who turned heads when we entered a room. He said he wanted to take me on a date. He did. He said he wanted to take me to Vegas. He didn't. He said a lot of other things, some of which did, and did not happen.

He said he was still obsessed with me.

He said he loved me. Still. After all this time.

And still, he did not choose me.

You can have a top spot in a heart, and still be denied.

He came back. He didn't stay.


.
.
.
.
.

12 Reasons why Female Empaths Have a Hard Time Finding the Right Man

At this point I assume these articles will make me roll my eyes, but still I click. Glad I did. I related to this one so very much. Called, "12 Reasons why Female Empaths Have a Hard Time Finding the Right Man". Credited from the original source: HERE and copied + pasted below:

Empaths take their relationships seriously. They date with the intention of finding true love, preferring to form meaningful bonds rather than dating around or having casual sex. 

Sometimes, being a female empath can put you at a disadvantage here; in an era of internet dating and hookups, you will probably have to wait longer to find your perfect match.

Let’s take a closer look at the reasons why female empaths struggle to meet the right man:

1. They have an unusually inquisitive mind

Empaths don’t care for small talk. They’d rather talk about philosophical issues than reality TV, for example. 

Any man they date needs to be intelligent and open-minded. These guys can be hard to find.

2. They are prone to strong, sometimes unpredictable mood shifts

Because they are easily influenced by their environment and other people’s emotions, an empath’s moods are liable to change with little warning. 

This can be hard for men to accept. Female empaths need partners who understand that they are unusually sensitive.

3. They aren’t afraid to show lots of love and affection

Open displays of affection can feel overwhelming, especially for men who have been raised to hide their emotions. 

A female empath might have to look for a long time to find a guy who is happy to share lots of hugs and kisses.

4. They expect commitment early

Empaths make up their minds quickly when it comes to committing to an exclusive relationship. They don’t hang around waiting for a man to choose them. 

They are highly self-aware, and prefer not to put themselves in dating limbo.

5. They are good at spotting liars

Lots of men embellish the truth or lie by omission, telling them what they want to hear. Empathic women pick up on inconsistencies and insincerity within minutes, and immediately lose all trust and respect they had for the guy. 

6. They can be too quick to take on a “fixer” role

Some female empaths have a tendency to choose men who are in great need of psychological, financial, or spiritual help. 

Even though it isn’t their responsibility to fix his life, they choose to adopt the role of therapist, bank, or nurse. This can result in unhealthy, one-sided relationships.

7. It takes time for them to get over past hurts

Because they are so sensitive, empaths can struggle to move on when they’ve been wronged. Although they are quick to forgive, they seldom forget. 

Because they are slow to trust someone new, they require a very patient partner. This can be hard to find. 

8. They need a man who is always true to his word

To win an empath’s heart, a man needs to keep his promises. Female empaths can’t cope with betrayal or violations of trust. 

She might overlook a couple of minor transgressions, but she won’t be able to tolerate a man who keeps changing his mind or canceling plans.

9. They are very honest

Empaths don’t sugarcoat the truth. If their partners ask for their opinion, they won’t hold back. 

This can be tough for a man to deal with, especially if he has a particularly fragile ego.

10. They are easily offended by harsh words

Every insult and unkind word pierces an empath’s heart. She can’t tolerate hostile conflict, and won’t stay long with a man who doesn’t know how to communicate respectfully. 

She needs a partner who can talk about relationship problems without becoming aggressive or dismissive.

11. They pour a lot of time and energy into their family and friends

Empaths are dedicated to their romantic relationships. However, they also prioritize family and friends. 

A female empath needs a man who appreciates that they won’t always come first.

12. They need a lot of time alone

ife as an empath is hard work. Empaths are affected by other people’s moods in every situation. For the sake of their mental and spiritual health, they need to recharge alone on a regular basis. 

Therefore, they need to search for a man who is secure enough to love an independent woman.

.

.

.

.

Online Dating.

Online dating? No. Never. Ever. Ever. Not. In. A. Million. Years. Ever. 

That was me...up until the end of October.

Over the course of my life, I've been proposed to three times. I took two of the three up on their offers. I had very little turn around time between husband one and two, which basically means that I'd been a married woman for about 10 years. Prior to that were two other somewhat significant co-habitating relationships which lasted for a couple of years each. This means I haven't been single since I was a teenager.

At seven months in, this is the longest I’ve ever been single. Imagine being in a relationship for all of your adult life, then bam! The unexpected happens, and there you are. A grown woman, and mother who has never dated. Suddenly, I am in unchartered territory...this including online dating. Women friends close in age who are happily married hear this, and clutch their husbands a little tighter. Horrified, they tell me they could never imagine being in my position, and couldn't possibly do it. I get it. I had the same reaction to stories of the unthinkable over the years.

I can totally remember hearing about something called match.com for the first time close to a decade or so ago. This was a place where you looked for a partner online! I thought that if people had to resort to this, then they must be totally and completely desperate. How sad for them. I also felt very lucky, if not a bit smug, because I would never need that sort of thing.

But here we are. And you better believe I had residual judgement coming with me into this new chapter of my life. But at almost three months into online dating, my thoughts about it are completely different than what I ever could have imagined.

I quickly learned that in 2018, having tinder and bumble is hardly different from having snapchat and instagram. Everybody's doing it. I've heard complaints of "hook-up culture", and the confusion of "hanging out" rather than legit dates. I'd gone out on a few set-ups which were complete duds (and ghosters). So, despite my nervousness about it, I knew I would need to take matters into my own hands. One night, I poured a glass of champagne and downloaded the first of the two.

I am going to be keeping my private life private for for now, but I will tell you what I’ve learned.

It is absolutely possible to meet men of quality online. Handome, successful, gentlemanly men. Yes, at times there is nonsense to weed through. Such as men reaching out who are completely inappropriate for you. Be it a man old enough to be your father (no), or a long time social media “friend” who feels he should now “take the opportunity to say something” (no). The countless men who fill my various inboxes with little more than a “hi”. No introduction, no questions, no effort to start an actual conversation (no). The men who will try more than once to contact me, even though I didn't reply to begin with (also no). The men who ask for a phone number in a first message (uh, NO).

But. There are the ones who are doing it right. Making an effort, and getting to know me both over social media, over text...and in real life.

I have to say that my situation is tricky, too. I am busy with mom duty most of the time, and rarely give it up unless my boy is away. So, to date me means respecting and working with that. But come on, everyone is busy, and it’s all very simple in the end. If a man wants to make an effort, he will. If a woman wants to make an effort, she will. Even if it’s going to be more slow-going with me than with women with older kids, or no kids at all. 

This also allows me to be extremely picky with who I give my rare free time to. I don’t have time for anything other than quality. I see myself through a new filter now, the filter of “Charlie’s Mother” and she can only accept the best.

But the greatest part I’ve realized, is that it’s put me into contact with men I would never normally meet! Our paths would otherwise never cross. It’s really opened my eyes and my mind that there are handsome, awesome guys everywhere and I had no idea. I had it in my head that the dating scene is bleak, options scarce, and  I would never be attracted to anyone ever again. But, it's actually been very positive! It lets you expand your world, and do it in a way that is far less time consuming than going out and about to put yourself in new settings and scenarios (which I also appreciate, don’t get me wrong. It’s just you know, all that stuff I said about a little toddler, and time).

Online dating has also made me relax. I’m a lot less rigid and scared of meeting new men, or men who want to meet me. I may accidentally swipe, or “super-like” someone that I didn’t mean to. But I find myself laughing about it, learning there is no harm in conversation, and everyone you brush paths with has something to teach you if you take a minute to let them. I'm also getting comfortable in my boundaries, being clear when I need to be, that it's a no. Clear communication is cool, ghosting is not.

I'm constantly learning more about what I do, and don't want. As I've gained experience and can compare, it's easy for me to see who I'm drawn to, and why. The why is important to me, as I want to be as smart as I can about this. I'm also able to learn and practice new skills that I hadn't had to before. It's been nice for me to build my confidence with dating, after feeling so low this summer. I don't know that I'm back at 100%, but I'm coming "back" more every day. And the only way to ensure this keeps happening, is forward momentum, and moving on with my life. 

I don’t know what the future has in store. I don’t have a single expectation at the moment. I honestly don’t. But what I do have, are the occasional butterflies, a nice evening with a nice guy, and something I hadn't felt in a really long time...hope.

.
.
.
.

On dating

A quick gripe. Sure, I’ve only been “dating” a couple of months. I’ve put the word in quotes, because I haven’t been serious about it yet. But in my brief experience so far, I am completely underwhelmed. 

Guys, can you please tell me why the following happens? And I’m not talking about hanging out, but a legit date(s).

1. I say I’m not interested romantically. You don’t give up. That’s intrusive, and only pushes me farther away.

2. You ghost. No explanation, just a total disappearance.

3. You ghost, but continue to keep an eye on my social media. Liking my posts, watching my insta stories, etc. 

4. You do 2 and / or 3 after you say what a great time you had, and you’d like to see me again.

5. YOU decide I’m not into you, and ghost. Then I hear later you’ve told a friend how I wasn’t feeling it. Uh...did you ask me? Nope. 

Unimpressed. 

Come on, guys. Manners. Make your mom(s) proud! 

Every guy I’ve met has been a dad. So...is it because my son is SO young? If so, then thank you for moving along (although clear communication would have been nice). My son is #1. I don’t sacrifice time with him. He’s the coolest part about my life. So, whoever I’m with has to get that, and be cool with that, too. 

If I let you into that part of my world, know that. That it is the BEST part of my world, and that I’m probably liking and trusting you. 

Is it because I move slow? I’m going to move slower than I ever have. Smart and slow. That’s the name of the game, in every aspect of my life these days. 

.

.

.

Baby = The death of your relationship.

It hit me me one day that the version of "us" we were pre-baby is gone.

Gone for good.
Gone forever.
Dead.

There's no way to prepare. You don't get to say goodbye.

You only realize it long after the baby is born, when you are reborn as mother, your spouse as father.

Then you must mourn. You must reflect and grieve and reminisce of the days before you were parents. The easy freedom, late nights. Laughing. So much love, that topped out with each other. The days when your world didn't expand so wide, your heart was still on the inside, and your priorities were simpler.

When the baby comes Earth-side, your heart flips outside, and a new love fills you, entire. So much so you almost forget there are others to love, they way you did in your previous life.

Then one day you have a vacation, all three together, nearly 7 months in, and you start to remember. A fever-dream of they way you were. You can start to make sense of it all now that the baby is a little older. The anxiety is less.

This is where your heart starts re-adjusting.

Time has become liquid gold, since you spun into mother. You'd swear it was tangible. You know how to cherish every minute and every moment. You've never been more present, because you understand nothing lasts in a new way.

And the night after you're back at home and the little love of your lives is asleep in the next room, you and your husband entwine in each other's arms. You hold him close. You breathe him in. His hair smells so good. For a split-second, it's just the two of you. You are completely aware of how much you loved him before, but also how much you love him after, now that he's spun into father.

And you're reminded that even after death, the heart just wants to love, so it keeps on loving. It loves right into the next version of you, and your "us", and the next version, and the next. There is still room, and nothing has truly been lost because your love just keeps expanding...and expanding...and expanding...







My very favorite pictures never go up on social media because they feel too intimate. I'm breaking my rule for the first time with this one. There you have it, the two loves of my life:

Marriage Advice - Top 10

I was recently asked to write something for my husband's cousin to read the morning of her wedding. The ladies in the family compiled notes and advice for her to have as she got ready. I chose to do a simple top ten.

1.)Patience is so important. Gently remind yourself of this from time to time, and continue to grow it.

2.)Remember that you are on the same team, and try to put yourselves in each others shoes.

3.)Listen.

4.)Focus on what’s good. About your partner, and about the relationship. Say it out loud. Tell one another what it is you love, what they excel at, what you notice.

5.)Surprise each other. From a flower, to a favorite candy, to a loving note, to a chore.

6.)Speak up if something is bothering you. Don’t let feelings fester. Don’t try to guess. Just tell the truth, don’t hide your feelings, and talk it out. All feelings inside each of you are valid and should be heard.

7.)Learn each other’s love languages. What is most important to you? To your spouse? Words? Actions? Touch? Read about the five love languages and know yours and your partners. Make the effort to communicate to each other in these ways whenever you can.

8.)Make your home a safe space. Take pride in the place you call home. It doesn’t matter how big or small or decorated or bare. "Home" is made by the people in it, anyway. Speak well of it, keep it clean, and make it a place you want to be.

9.)Don’t let pride or ego stand in the way when it comes to arguing. Don’t keep score. Don’t be the one who has to win for the sake of winning. Don’t let nonsense and trivial issues get in your way.

10. )Focus on the moment. Time goes quickly. Be careful you don’t give too much of yourself to either the past or future. There is only right now. Life together will go faster then you think. Be fully present as often as possible. Savor each phase you’ll have as a couple. Your relationship will grow, change, and be many things throughout your lives together. Be open to your journey, and to growing together.

~ DM

Ten months, four years.

Today we went up to Solitude Ski Resort where we were married last August. Ten months in. When we turned the corner and I saw the spot where we exchanged our vows, my eyes instantly filled with tears. Four years ago this month, we met. I still can't believe our story, and what was in store for us. I've said this before, he is my greatest mirror and guide in this lifetime. With him, I've learned many lessons. While some were incredibly hard, all were needed. His presence has shown light on so much for me. Hard and beautiful truths. I've taken a good long look inward, and I continue to learn. I continue to grow, to become the best me. Loving him has taught me what I want, who I am, how to be myself, live truthfully, and in turn, made me whole. I still can't believe we ended up together, and that he became what I always knew he should be. My husband.


DM

The women we don't speak of.

I've been thinking about this for awhile. This is probably one of the most personal entries I could ever write. The internet and social media is saturated with mommy bloggers. Women posting about their pregnancies, and what they're learning as they set off on the journey of new mom. It's a club you don't belong to until you become a mother yourself. Babies. Toddlers. Everywhere. Women sharing jokes, and advice, and parenting tips among themselves, all able to relate to each other. This isn't hard to find. You're probably a click away from finding one now.

Then there are stories of women who tried to get pregnant, but weren't able to. There are blogs and articles dedicated to infertility. There aren't as many dedicated to this side, but they're out there.

Lately, I've found myself asking the question, "what about the in-between?" There is a group of us who lie in the haze of the middle. The group of women currently trying. We are floating in the grey area, without belonging to one category or the other. It's a strange, anxious, and superstitious place to be. Half of the month you may be sure you aren't. This is either a hopeful or hopeless phase, depending, I've found. More on that in a bit. The next half of the month you are with, and without. You proceed accordingly, but what does that mean? You may treat yourself as though you are, but if you find you're not, it's back to square one. 

This is the hardest place. It's hard not to be frustrated. To scare yourself by wondering if something is wrong. To put pressure on yourself. The emotional roller coaster is constant.

I find it spills over into many aspects of my life. It obviously affects what I eat and drink, but also my mood, and what activity I may choose to do on a weekend. It affects conversations, and how social I may feel. You must dance around your conversations and plans because you don't yet know yourself. You can't plan something months ahead since you have this priority, yet you don't know for sure, and you don't know when. You can't really talk about what you're going through, so you try to adapt as best as you can to this new existence where it all revolves around trying. A couple of weeks of extreme hope, and a couple of weeks of extreme disappointment. How I'm going to behave that month purely depends where you catch me. I'd say sorry, but I'm not. My husband, my well being, and this future family trumps everything. That's why this is hard. 

When you tell someone you're trying, in hopes of some support, you wish you hadn't more often than not. Even other women, and women who are mothers, seem to forget that before they had their babies they too went through this fragile, sacred time. A time that will be short for some, long for others. 

They ask you when. When hurts. It's impossible to know. If only we had control of what month we could get pregnant. What month we'd like a baby to be born. If only. Some know you're trying, but ask when anyway. Some make jokes. Some tease you that you are, or going to be soon, when they don't know what you've embarked on, and what you've already been experiencing. I've already written about the insensitivity of this for YoU Mag (Are you pregnant yet? Page 13) . You don't know your ultimate outcome, and what if (god forbid) you end up falling in the can't category?

Why aren't there blogs or articles dedicated to us? Who live in half hope, half disappointment each month? Who don't yet belong to a can or can't category? Who buy expensive test after test, heart pounding as we wait for the result. Who are dying for this to be the time we get to tell our husband, "I'm pregnant!" Who can sometimes power through, with faith that it's just not our time. But who sometimes spend the day crumbling, fighting back heartbreak, sure it's never going to happen. Those days, and very well the days that follow, I retreat from the world. I feel I have failed. Again.

I know I'm not alone, and I'd sure like to hear the words of others who get it. We're our own club. There is more to it here in the club of trying than I'd expected. It's definitely different than life before. I'm no longer a woman existing as I did before we decided to join.

I am reluctant to write this. This means letting even more people in on my most personal plans. But I'm in the category of women that we don't speak of, so I'm speaking about us. I'd like to meet my others. This is it's own club and I'd like to know where my women are that exist this way each month, emotionally exhausted, and wondering when it's finally going to end. 

~DM 

~ Insatiable ~

I am an insatiable person. As in:

(definitions)
Impossible to satisfy.
Incapable of being satisfied.
Voracious, wanting.
Not satiable.
Someone who is insatiable can never be full.
It can be used for spiritual as well as physical desires.

In what ways, you ask? In romantic relationships, mainly. It takes a lot to be my partner. In every relationship I've ever been in, I've known I've required a lot from my partner.  While each of them (and there have been four long term) were very different, there are always similarities with what I ask and what I need. This isn't necessarily new information for myself, but it's become clearer. I don't apologize for being me. I apologize if I've hurt you because of how I am. I always want to grow and be a better version of myself. I am aware I can be demanding and draining.

I love love. I love experiencing the kind of romantic love I'm finally experiencing. I am so in love with this love, there can never be enough of it to fill me. "Someone who is insatiable can never be full." Even when I have it, when I have someone who worships me it's never enough. When I have someone who loves me, I want to feel it more. I want to hear it, see it, breathe it, live it, tenfold every second of every day. I want it proven to me moment after moment. Even though I am a wife, it is not done. It is just beginning. It will never be done. More, more, more.

I am how I am, yet I am adaptable. I've experienced changes within me time and time again. I don't believe anyone is set in their ways. To say that and leave it at that is lazy, a cop out. It just takes work. It just takes experience, knowledge, perspective, an opening of the heart and mind.

To those of you who have been my partners, be it years or months, you have been warriors. You didn't know you were coming up against me, loving someone who will never have enough. Some of you battled longer and harder than others. But you were all brave, and all (mostly) gave a valiant effort. Some ran away from it. I was too much. They couldn't do it. Some I left behind. Drained, depleted. Done. For that I apologize. I know loving me is…the way it is. It takes someone special to stick with me. To be the man who will not waver. Who will not run. And even then, when I have you completely, I will push you.

So here we are now. Love of my life. And I find I still want more of you. I want you to give me all of you, in every moment. More, more, more. Yet I know I can't consume you, entire. You must have something for yourself. You must not let me drain you. How do I find a way to satiate myself in this love? How do I let myself rest, and breathe, and accept it? You are it though. Boy, are you it.

You are also the only one who ever pushed me back.  

I have so much love in me. I have so much to give. That's something I've recently learned. How lucky am I? To be made with such a heart. To have the capacity to love someone so fully and then some. The issue is, I need it back.

And then some.
And then some.
And then some.

Even when I have it, it's not enough.

The most insatiable girl in the world, me.


Thanks for reading,

Deena

Above all else.

What is it that you desire above all else? 
What do you hold in the highest regard? 
What one thing do you choose to have, 
if you could only have one thing in life?

For me? Love.  A romantic love.  I've been searching for it for as far back as I can possibly remember.  I'd give it all up for love.  I have always kept close a list of my hearts desires, but one thing would always take the lead.  Love.  I often misplaced it.  I wanted it to be, so I would try my hardest to make it so.  I would "love" instantly.  I'm talking from the time I was barely a teenager.  Maybe younger.  With each one, the goal was to make him stay.  Make him love me.  Make him The One.  So, I forced it.  I labeled it at once and was instantly afraid of losing it.

Why? What did it mean?

I guess the second thing  I've always wanted above all else, is to be loved.  But to feel it from my beloved as truly as I could give it.

I'd never experienced the balance before.  I seemed to love harder, the ones who didn't love me.  I seemed to love less, the ones who loved me most.  But more often than not, I felt it was I who won the game of how much I could love someone without a return.

I have always been full of love.  I have so much in me to give, it runs out of room inside my frame, and soul.  If anything, it has hurt more often than not.

I guess the third thing I've always wanted above all else, is a balance of love.

I wanted love.  To love, to be loved, and the balance.

I'd finally resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't meant for me.  Just when I'd accepted defeat, I won.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I have days when I am terrified I could lose it.  It's just that I've waited so long.  I'd stopped thinking it was possible, let alone that I deserved it.  Sometimes I push and dig and prod and test.  Fear.  It's that thing called fear.

Just like each one that came before was not clung to from a true love, but from fear.

You see, it's just that when you've wanted something more than anything for your entire life, and finally get it, when the other half of your soul finds you and makes with you a whole love at last, when the greatest mirror of your life drops directly in front of you, deeply rooted, with no intention to run, well, it's a lot for a weary heart to take.


~ Deena Marie

When to leave the one you love.

I came across this article yesterday, The only 8 times it's excusable to leave someone you truly love.   

The 8 conditions listed: 
You're unhappy and it's clearly because of the relationship
The good times are outweighed by the bad
You don't see yourself spending your life with your partner
You have lost trust in your partner
Your partner doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated
Your partner cheated on you
You fell in love with someone else
You're not capable of loving your parter the way your partner deserves to be loved.

I was about to repost, but couldn't formulate the sentence or two that would accompany why I was posting.  I realized I needed to think about it a little longer, and tackle it in a blog post instead.  When searching for the article online today, I found another.  10 Ways to Know It's Time to Leave Your Relationship. 

The 10 conditions listed:
Physical Abuse
Verbal/Emotional Abuse, Overly Controlling Behavior
Child Abuse
Financial Abuse
Substance Addictions
Affairs
Different Paths
Lack of Support for Being All You Can Be
Different Needs for Intimacy
One foot out the Door - Fear of Commitment

Before my now husband, I spent years in a relationship.  I'm still learning from the experience.  The why's.  Why I went into it, why I stayed in it, and why I got out of it.  I learned so much and while I want to protect my ex and and keep details private, there's a big part of me that wants to share what I learned in hope I might inspire another woman, or man to have courage to leave a situation that no longer serves them, or their partner.  Staying stuck serves neither, and until you are both free to find your truth, you are existing at half capacity.  When you are truly ready to believe that, when you are ready to set yourselves free, you'll see there was nothing to fear.  It's excruciating, yes.  But necessary.  And guess what? The weight lifts.  The healing happens.  Then comes truth and happiness.

In the first article, I was 4/8.  In the second, 5/10.  However, there is one more I'd like to add that wasn't on either list.  It won't be make or break for everyone, but for some it's reason enough to move on,  and hopefully to a partnership where you feel like an active participant.

You exist in their already established world and routine.

In the end I learned that I didn't need it easy.  I didn't need to move right into a world that was already set in many areas.  The home, the furniture, the decor, and the finances.  Instead, I needed to begin a journey on equal footing,  I wanted to create from the ground up alongside someone.  I wanted someone to budge a little more for me, and inspire me to budge a little more for them.  I wanted room to grow, and to grow together.  I wanted to stumble through it to find the us.

I said goodbye.  To forcing a fit.  To a dynamic that had become anything but a romantic relationship.  To material security.  To a house.  To a car.  To insurance.  To not having to pay for many of the bills.  I jumped.  I set myself free. I set him free, in the only way that I could.  I leapt into my truth and left him to do the same.

This is when it's excusable to leave someone you love.  When your inner voice starts whispering that little word, "go" that eventually turns to a shout, "GO!" It's telling you to go for a reason.  It's telling you that this isn't your fit.  If it's not your fit, how can it be theirs? If you are miserable, how can they not be? And if they don't know that you are, then they are not in tune with you.  And if they are not in tune with you, how much can this truly be the best fit for them?

Sometimes, setting someone free is the most loving thing you can do.

And sometimes, leaving the one you love is not only okay, but crucial.

You're free.  

No option other than to flourish.  

Go.


Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Three Times the Charm.

I've been proposed to three times.  That's right.  By three different men.  At three different times in my life, the man I was in a relationship with got down on one knee (or not) and asked me to be his wife.  That means I've had three different wedding dresses.  Three different rings.  Is your mind blown yet?

I've been a little more open in talking about my past relationships in this blog with my last post, and now this one.  The older I get, the more authentically I live.  As in, I just want to be, surround myself with, and seek out the real.  I crave it.  I've also realized there is no such thing as pretending big experiences didn't happen.  Burying it is not sustainable, and you can only pretend to forget, or deny.  And why should you want to? That's the big one.  Everything that happens to you, the good and the bad, is your story.  It makes you who you are.  It alters you, it informs you, and you grow from it.  

This isn't to say I feel my life or my past is anybody's business I don't want it to be. And I've learned that I don't owe an explanation to anyone.  Boom! Power back! But there are some things I'm willing to share.  I've done my work to clear out, heal, and I'd like to give it to you as I approach my wedding day. 

Have you seen the movie, Mr. Nobody? There are three timelines in which he makes a choice, propelling him down a path.  Each one is very different.  In each one there is a different wife.  There are variations on each path, as well.  If you don't chose, everything is possible.  But there's no such thing as not choosing anything, because even nothing is something.  In the end the lesson is that there is no wrong choice.  There are just choices (I've blogged about this concept before).  But there are also some things that simply do seem to be part of our destiny.  

We decide what to do in any given situation based on what we know at the time.  How much life experience we have behind us, how we perceive the world, the type of personality we are, who we are genetically, who we think we should be, etc.  

There is no wrong choice. 

The first time a boyfriend got down on a knee, he had no ring.  He was nervous.  He was shaking.  He was on his way to work at the bookstore.  He took the ring I was wearing (a birthday present from my parents) and moved it to my ring finger, saying to wear it there for now.  He went to work.  I was on my way somewhere, stopped at the train tracks when I called my mom to tell her I was engaged.  Silence, followed by, "Oh."  She wasn't happy about it.  Later, we bought our engagement rings and my wedding band. I bought a wedding dress.  We had a downpayment on a reception center.  He called it off.  I thought I would die.  I survived.  It was back on.  We were going to elope.  It was called off again.  It blurs from here, the cycle of on then off.  It was a long time ago.  It was juvenile.  It wasn't real.  It wasn't to be.  It turned out fine. 

The second time I was proposed to, he had a ring.  He'd picked it on his own.  It was enormous.  Gorgeous.  I don't even want to tell you what it cost.  It was a planned proposal.  It was Halloween.  I remember what I was wearing.  I'm not going to tell you all of the details, because they are mine.  I married him.  We eloped.  Little planning is required for eloping.  No way will I share that day with you.  It's mine, all mine.  We were married for six years.  It was real.  It wasn't to be.  I thought I would die.  It turned out fine.  Except when it wasn't.  And then it was fine again, and then it wasn't.  It blurs from here, the cycle of fine, then not.  It wasn't that long ago.  It wasn't juvenile.  

The third time I was proposed to, he had a ring.  We picked it out together.  It's absolutely perfect.  I look down at my left hand now, and with this one there is no sense of playing house, being unprepared, or wearing a symbol of defiance for my parents' sake.  There is no underlying question when I see my ring deep down (so deep) that maybe this ring is too extravagant, and not quite me.  Gone is the most secret of feelings that I tried to deny and never, ever wanted.  The feeling that getting married was what I thought I was supposed to do at that time.  That the ring felt off, because it represented being trapped in the wrong choice.  

The third time feels like the only time.  The real time.  The conscious choice.  The choice I make as a healthy adult who's been through it.  The self-aware choice to embark on a marriage and a life with this person, at this time, knowing what I know now.  Knowing who I am, and what my strengths and faults are in a relationship. Knowing my deal breakers.  Knowing what it feels like to be loved by good guys and not so good guys.  Knowing what I'm looking for.  Now when I look down at this ring, I see the symbol of what fits me, literally and emotionally.  I'm reminded that I was brave as hell and survived the worst of the worst.  I fought! I refused to settle! By god, there is such a thing as finding the love of your life!

There is no wrong choice.  And boy, this is very much my choice.

And I'm so deeply in love with this choice.

This time, I am freed.  I'm empowered.  I'm enhanced.  Whole, home, real.  

xo

Deena Marie