He came back. He didn't stay.

He came back. He didn't stay.

He said he loved me. Still. After all this time.

He said he was still obsessed with me.

He said nothing and no one matches the intensity he felt with me. He said he missed being "the hot couple". He said he missed being with someone who turned heads when we entered a room. He said he wanted to take me on a date. He did. He said he wanted to take me to Vegas. He didn't. He said a lot of other things, some of which did, and did not happen.

He said he was still obsessed with me.

He said he loved me. Still. After all this time.

And still, he did not choose me.

You can have a top spot in a heart, and still be denied.

He came back. He didn't stay.


.
.
.
.
.

Mostly Okay

Meme of person crying: "Me in my room imagining fake scenarios and hurting my own feelings." 

I saw this meme awhile back, and last night I did exactly this. What started out as a simple trip down memory lane, left me feeling so sad by the end that I actually cried. Like out loud, made myself sob.

Looking back at images over the last few years, instead of a feeling wistful nostalgia, I was just pissed off that I've lived so much hurt. And then, as if that wasn't painful enough, I created all sorts of alternate universes in my mind of where life could go from here, with every one of them leaving me the short end of the stick.

I totally understand how people get to the point where they no longer choose to open up their hearts, since it's just a big old disappointment every time. A track record of people never delivering.

Maybe there's a little bit of the past I still need to reconcile. Little pieces of broken hearts left over from the years, in the sense that you can be over something, you can move on, and move along, but maybe you haven't fully processed, fully absorbed? The little pangs of hurt haven't become part of the whole, and they can bump and sting, like a game of Operation.

Maybe quarantine is getting to me. I've liked being alone so much lately, but perhaps now it's reached a point where being alone too much isn't a good thing. It gives me too much time to wander in my mind, and I should have known that I have a limit there. It can become too much. My imagination, big feelings, and love of time to just think is what makes me a great artist. Performer, and writer. But. This is also what makes being human so damn tricky for someone like me. The spiral becomes too deep, and you long to claw out, but you've explored so internally you can't enter into the outside world yet, leaving you in a big conundrum. If you know, you know. 

Alone. This was the problem last night, you see. It was thinking about being alone...forever. And if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I'm up for that, should that happen. I started to worry about the types of love I have in my life, and is that enough to sustain me? Family, friends, and the love of my sweet son - which I am so lucky and grateful for.

But what about the other type of love?
And then...what if my son never sees me loved? 
And then...am I okay with that?!

I just don't know.

It's now the morning after, and I am out for a run. I notice my thighs hurt from last night's run, but my heart doesn't hurt from last night's cry. And by 9 o'clock this morning...I am mostly okay. Will I be okay in years to come? Will my story be beautiful? Are there great surprises in store? Will it all "work out"? Only time will tell. But for now, it's just 9 am, and I am mostly okay.

What's the quote? Something about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity? Well, consider me certifiably insane, because I will never close off. I will never stop trying.

I will not stop opening my heart, even though it's only ever ended...
And even though it's only ever ended...
I am mostly okay...

so...I keep running.


.
.
.
.
.
.

12 Reasons why Female Empaths Have a Hard Time Finding the Right Man

At this point I assume these articles will make me roll my eyes, but still I click. Glad I did. I related to this one so very much. Called, "12 Reasons why Female Empaths Have a Hard Time Finding the Right Man". Credited from the original source: HERE and copied + pasted below:

Empaths take their relationships seriously. They date with the intention of finding true love, preferring to form meaningful bonds rather than dating around or having casual sex. 

Sometimes, being a female empath can put you at a disadvantage here; in an era of internet dating and hookups, you will probably have to wait longer to find your perfect match.

Let’s take a closer look at the reasons why female empaths struggle to meet the right man:

1. They have an unusually inquisitive mind

Empaths don’t care for small talk. They’d rather talk about philosophical issues than reality TV, for example. 

Any man they date needs to be intelligent and open-minded. These guys can be hard to find.

2. They are prone to strong, sometimes unpredictable mood shifts

Because they are easily influenced by their environment and other people’s emotions, an empath’s moods are liable to change with little warning. 

This can be hard for men to accept. Female empaths need partners who understand that they are unusually sensitive.

3. They aren’t afraid to show lots of love and affection

Open displays of affection can feel overwhelming, especially for men who have been raised to hide their emotions. 

A female empath might have to look for a long time to find a guy who is happy to share lots of hugs and kisses.

4. They expect commitment early

Empaths make up their minds quickly when it comes to committing to an exclusive relationship. They don’t hang around waiting for a man to choose them. 

They are highly self-aware, and prefer not to put themselves in dating limbo.

5. They are good at spotting liars

Lots of men embellish the truth or lie by omission, telling them what they want to hear. Empathic women pick up on inconsistencies and insincerity within minutes, and immediately lose all trust and respect they had for the guy. 

6. They can be too quick to take on a “fixer” role

Some female empaths have a tendency to choose men who are in great need of psychological, financial, or spiritual help. 

Even though it isn’t their responsibility to fix his life, they choose to adopt the role of therapist, bank, or nurse. This can result in unhealthy, one-sided relationships.

7. It takes time for them to get over past hurts

Because they are so sensitive, empaths can struggle to move on when they’ve been wronged. Although they are quick to forgive, they seldom forget. 

Because they are slow to trust someone new, they require a very patient partner. This can be hard to find. 

8. They need a man who is always true to his word

To win an empath’s heart, a man needs to keep his promises. Female empaths can’t cope with betrayal or violations of trust. 

She might overlook a couple of minor transgressions, but she won’t be able to tolerate a man who keeps changing his mind or canceling plans.

9. They are very honest

Empaths don’t sugarcoat the truth. If their partners ask for their opinion, they won’t hold back. 

This can be tough for a man to deal with, especially if he has a particularly fragile ego.

10. They are easily offended by harsh words

Every insult and unkind word pierces an empath’s heart. She can’t tolerate hostile conflict, and won’t stay long with a man who doesn’t know how to communicate respectfully. 

She needs a partner who can talk about relationship problems without becoming aggressive or dismissive.

11. They pour a lot of time and energy into their family and friends

Empaths are dedicated to their romantic relationships. However, they also prioritize family and friends. 

A female empath needs a man who appreciates that they won’t always come first.

12. They need a lot of time alone

ife as an empath is hard work. Empaths are affected by other people’s moods in every situation. For the sake of their mental and spiritual health, they need to recharge alone on a regular basis. 

Therefore, they need to search for a man who is secure enough to love an independent woman.

.

.

.

.

Online Dating.

Online dating? No. Never. Ever. Ever. Not. In. A. Million. Years. Ever. 

That was me...up until the end of October.

Over the course of my life, I've been proposed to three times. I took two of the three up on their offers. I had very little turn around time between husband one and two, which basically means that I'd been a married woman for about 10 years. Prior to that were two other somewhat significant co-habitating relationships which lasted for a couple of years each. This means I haven't been single since I was a teenager.

At seven months in, this is the longest I’ve ever been single. Imagine being in a relationship for all of your adult life, then bam! The unexpected happens, and there you are. A grown woman, and mother who has never dated. Suddenly, I am in unchartered territory...this including online dating. Women friends close in age who are happily married hear this, and clutch their husbands a little tighter. Horrified, they tell me they could never imagine being in my position, and couldn't possibly do it. I get it. I had the same reaction to stories of the unthinkable over the years.

I can totally remember hearing about something called match.com for the first time close to a decade or so ago. This was a place where you looked for a partner online! I thought that if people had to resort to this, then they must be totally and completely desperate. How sad for them. I also felt very lucky, if not a bit smug, because I would never need that sort of thing.

But here we are. And you better believe I had residual judgement coming with me into this new chapter of my life. But at almost three months into online dating, my thoughts about it are completely different than what I ever could have imagined.

I quickly learned that in 2018, having tinder and bumble is hardly different from having snapchat and instagram. Everybody's doing it. I've heard complaints of "hook-up culture", and the confusion of "hanging out" rather than legit dates. I'd gone out on a few set-ups which were complete duds (and ghosters). So, despite my nervousness about it, I knew I would need to take matters into my own hands. One night, I poured a glass of champagne and downloaded the first of the two.

I am going to be keeping my private life private for for now, but I will tell you what I’ve learned.

It is absolutely possible to meet men of quality online. Handome, successful, gentlemanly men. Yes, at times there is nonsense to weed through. Such as men reaching out who are completely inappropriate for you. Be it a man old enough to be your father (no), or a long time social media “friend” who feels he should now “take the opportunity to say something” (no). The countless men who fill my various inboxes with little more than a “hi”. No introduction, no questions, no effort to start an actual conversation (no). The men who will try more than once to contact me, even though I didn't reply to begin with (also no). The men who ask for a phone number in a first message (uh, NO).

But. There are the ones who are doing it right. Making an effort, and getting to know me both over social media, over text...and in real life.

I have to say that my situation is tricky, too. I am busy with mom duty most of the time, and rarely give it up unless my boy is away. So, to date me means respecting and working with that. But come on, everyone is busy, and it’s all very simple in the end. If a man wants to make an effort, he will. If a woman wants to make an effort, she will. Even if it’s going to be more slow-going with me than with women with older kids, or no kids at all. 

This also allows me to be extremely picky with who I give my rare free time to. I don’t have time for anything other than quality. I see myself through a new filter now, the filter of “Charlie’s Mother” and she can only accept the best.

But the greatest part I’ve realized, is that it’s put me into contact with men I would never normally meet! Our paths would otherwise never cross. It’s really opened my eyes and my mind that there are handsome, awesome guys everywhere and I had no idea. I had it in my head that the dating scene is bleak, options scarce, and  I would never be attracted to anyone ever again. But, it's actually been very positive! It lets you expand your world, and do it in a way that is far less time consuming than going out and about to put yourself in new settings and scenarios (which I also appreciate, don’t get me wrong. It’s just you know, all that stuff I said about a little toddler, and time).

Online dating has also made me relax. I’m a lot less rigid and scared of meeting new men, or men who want to meet me. I may accidentally swipe, or “super-like” someone that I didn’t mean to. But I find myself laughing about it, learning there is no harm in conversation, and everyone you brush paths with has something to teach you if you take a minute to let them. I'm also getting comfortable in my boundaries, being clear when I need to be, that it's a no. Clear communication is cool, ghosting is not.

I'm constantly learning more about what I do, and don't want. As I've gained experience and can compare, it's easy for me to see who I'm drawn to, and why. The why is important to me, as I want to be as smart as I can about this. I'm also able to learn and practice new skills that I hadn't had to before. It's been nice for me to build my confidence with dating, after feeling so low this summer. I don't know that I'm back at 100%, but I'm coming "back" more every day. And the only way to ensure this keeps happening, is forward momentum, and moving on with my life. 

I don’t know what the future has in store. I don’t have a single expectation at the moment. I honestly don’t. But what I do have, are the occasional butterflies, a nice evening with a nice guy, and something I hadn't felt in a really long time...hope.

.
.
.
.

On dating

A quick gripe. Sure, I’ve only been “dating” a couple of months. I’ve put the word in quotes, because I haven’t been serious about it yet. But in my brief experience so far, I am completely underwhelmed. 

Guys, can you please tell me why the following happens? And I’m not talking about hanging out, but a legit date(s).

1. I say I’m not interested romantically. You don’t give up. That’s intrusive, and only pushes me farther away.

2. You ghost. No explanation, just a total disappearance.

3. You ghost, but continue to keep an eye on my social media. Liking my posts, watching my insta stories, etc. 

4. You do 2 and / or 3 after you say what a great time you had, and you’d like to see me again.

5. YOU decide I’m not into you, and ghost. Then I hear later you’ve told a friend how I wasn’t feeling it. Uh...did you ask me? Nope. 

Unimpressed. 

Come on, guys. Manners. Make your mom(s) proud! 

Every guy I’ve met has been a dad. So...is it because my son is SO young? If so, then thank you for moving along (although clear communication would have been nice). My son is #1. I don’t sacrifice time with him. He’s the coolest part about my life. So, whoever I’m with has to get that, and be cool with that, too. 

If I let you into that part of my world, know that. That it is the BEST part of my world, and that I’m probably liking and trusting you. 

Is it because I move slow? I’m going to move slower than I ever have. Smart and slow. That’s the name of the game, in every aspect of my life these days. 

.

.

.

Precipice.

It was spring, 2011. I stood outside of the restaurant on a sunny day, waiting for him. I pretended to be busy on my phone. I remember the dark denim shorts, striped shirt, and maybe even the necklace and hat I was wearing. I waited longer than I expected. You know how that goes, when you are energized and brave from whatever you'd just come from, on a high to go right into the next exchange? Then you find yourself waiting. You must sustain your nonchalance and bravery, but it inevitably starts to wane.

He finally pulled up, and I pretended to just have gotten there myself.  I was as casual as can be. We seemed to be the only ones in the restaurant. But it's possible I am now remembering it wrong. What I do remember was the fact that there was nothing to lose. This was the first time we were meeting outside of the place we knew each other. The place was the gym I went to regularly, and where he worked. It's always daunting to go outside the context of where you know someone for the first time. When I say there was nothing to lose, it was because I was certain of two things. Romance was not a possibility for me, and we'd have nothing to talk about. Not really. Not when it was just the two of us and the safety of the gym had been taken away.

Nearing four years later, I remember four things. That I was never truly sure about ruling out romance, or that I believed we'd have nothing to say. Not down in my bones. That he ordered a delicious vegetarian dish and gave me a bite, and that I have craved it to this day but still haven't gone back to get it. That he was dressed in all black, (and although he will argue with me on this) I was positive he took so long because he tried to find the perfect "I didn't try to hard" clothes. And the last thing (the one I see as clear as if it were yesterday) was the way strands of his long brown hair hung down over his eyes, and the look in his blue eyes as he peeked out from under his hair at me.  He knew his hair hung just that way. I knew he knew it. It was like he was almost posed. A look he'd mastered. He knew just what he looked like, and how to angle his face so his hair would so perfectly and nonchalantly fall. Unreal. I'd never seen a boy do this. But then again I'd never seen a boy so beautiful.

I don't remember how long we stayed, what was said when we parted ways, or how the hikes together started.

I can't remember much, other than that was the beginning of letting a new presence into my life. How can we ever know, each time we do that, just how impactful it might be…or not. Some relationships (both platonic and romantic) don't stick. But how do we know at the precipice of simplicity, at the start of it all, just how life changing it might be?

Go back with me again. It's nice weather. The sun is out. I'm in my denim shorts and striped shirt. I'm pretending to be busy on my phone. I've also put together an outfit that says I didn't try too hard, even though I've made sure my ponytail falls just over my shoulder like so, and my makeup is perfect.

I'm waiting for him. My bravery is waning. Am I nervous? Why am I nervous? Romance is off the table. We'll have nothing to talk about. This will be a one time thing, I'm sure of it. My life has been my life, every day, and every year, and every breath up until this moment.

This is all I know. This is my world.


And it's all about begin.




Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Above all else.

What is it that you desire above all else? 
What do you hold in the highest regard? 
What one thing do you choose to have, 
if you could only have one thing in life?

For me? Love.  A romantic love.  I've been searching for it for as far back as I can possibly remember.  I'd give it all up for love.  I have always kept close a list of my hearts desires, but one thing would always take the lead.  Love.  I often misplaced it.  I wanted it to be, so I would try my hardest to make it so.  I would "love" instantly.  I'm talking from the time I was barely a teenager.  Maybe younger.  With each one, the goal was to make him stay.  Make him love me.  Make him The One.  So, I forced it.  I labeled it at once and was instantly afraid of losing it.

Why? What did it mean?

I guess the second thing  I've always wanted above all else, is to be loved.  But to feel it from my beloved as truly as I could give it.

I'd never experienced the balance before.  I seemed to love harder, the ones who didn't love me.  I seemed to love less, the ones who loved me most.  But more often than not, I felt it was I who won the game of how much I could love someone without a return.

I have always been full of love.  I have so much in me to give, it runs out of room inside my frame, and soul.  If anything, it has hurt more often than not.

I guess the third thing I've always wanted above all else, is a balance of love.

I wanted love.  To love, to be loved, and the balance.

I'd finally resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't meant for me.  Just when I'd accepted defeat, I won.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I have days when I am terrified I could lose it.  It's just that I've waited so long.  I'd stopped thinking it was possible, let alone that I deserved it.  Sometimes I push and dig and prod and test.  Fear.  It's that thing called fear.

Just like each one that came before was not clung to from a true love, but from fear.

You see, it's just that when you've wanted something more than anything for your entire life, and finally get it, when the other half of your soul finds you and makes with you a whole love at last, when the greatest mirror of your life drops directly in front of you, deeply rooted, with no intention to run, well, it's a lot for a weary heart to take.


~ Deena Marie

You.

Last night I was watching you as you talked,
and I could see around you a tapestry of everything that has made you, you.
I sensed the home you grew up in, saw your parents, your childhood.
I loved them deeply for without them you would not be you.
I started thinking about all the people that will get to know you
over the course of your life,
and those who won't.
Then I got sad.
Thinking of all the people who will miss out on knowing you.
Friendships you'll never make.
Yet I got picked.  I am rich.  I am chosen.
I am in awe I get to know you, love you, be married to you.

My muse.

My muse.  My mirror.  My guide.

He keeps me in the moment more than I’ve ever been, 

I've realized love is fragile, and precious, 

and I don’t dare to take a second of it for granted.
There is no option other than to be here, now.  

He keeps me in love with our life together.  

I find myself wanting our human experience to freeze in time.  

I don’t want us to grow old, I don’t want us to die.  

I want this.  

There was a time when I longed for anything but,
now I am grateful to be bound to earth.

I am boiled down to my essence, love.  

I am full to the brim.

I am not asked to fit into his already established life, 

instead we are two equals agreeing to build together. 

New Year Surprise!

You guys.
This is still a work in progress, but I'm impatient.
So here you go!

THIS!  

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

What is an Enlightened Relationship?

Below is a snippet taken from a blog titled - The Moksha Express: What is an Enlightened Relationship?  by Laurie Frazier.  Click to read the whole beautiful entry.

I'm not dependent on my partner's physical presence to feel connected.  Because of the relationship and connection we have recognized and consciously created, we *feel* each other through time and space and sometimes lifetimes.  We realize that separation is an illusion - that time and/or distance apart has no bearing on our connection to each other.  

Under this system, I love who you are and I have no need to attempt to change you.  If we no longer resonate, we simply and joyfully go our separate ways.  I have no need to try to control you or own you.

You and I are both FREE to stay or go...there is no binding contract hand-cuffing us together for better or for worse.  All that keeps us together is pure love, interest, passion, peace, harmony.

I invite you to go deep and do the personal work necessary to create amazing, conscious, enlightened relationships.  A few things to remember: 

1.) You must be that which you seek.

2.) The most important enlightened relationship you can have is with yourSelf

3.) It's ALL worth it.

4.) It's a work in progress.

Find me here:
Fiesta Movement

Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

Thanks for stopping by,

Deena Marie