Happy

4.26.2020


I am happy today. I don't feel this way often. Let me explain.

I have always inherently understood that happiness is not sustainable. It's not a place we end, but a place we land...from time to time. That we each come earth-side with our natural dispositions, and while we can adjust, and be influenced to a point, our temperature seems to be set where it's set, and we inevitably come back to land there.

I remember reading a book in my 20's that finally explained what I'd always known, which was that there are a million other things to be, rather than "happy". That is not to say I never land in "happiness", but the feeling of happiness that comes full on, that lasts the majority of the day, the whole body all-encompassing feeling of joy, just doesn't hit often.

And this is not to say that if one does not experience joy, that they must be experiencing it's opposite, for I do not exist full time in sadness, but rather, am a mix of many things.

I default in: a bit of melancholia, wistfulness, nostalgia, wonder, curiosity, and my other things I lack the vocabulary for, that make up my inner storm.

But when days like this hit, where my body is light, where I dwell lightly in it, when I have a pep in my step, a twinkle in my eye, and a smile on my face, when I have landed for a moment in happy...those days feel so good.

And I think they are extra special, because they don't come often.

Like a holiday.

I appreciate it like a holiday...


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Like riches.

It’s been a minute. In the notes on my phone are eight blog posts since my last published post here. Some are done, others are not. I re-read them, and they are all relevant, but at this point, I’m not sure they’ll make it over here. 

Time. Is. Magic. It speeds, it slows, I can almost reach right out and touch it these days. Time. Is. Funny. You tell yourself you’re absolutely certain of one thing, and then eternity happens to you in just six months. 

So here we are. Six months since my life changed, and an eternity behind me. You don’t know how it will happen, but one day you wake up ready to heal. Ready to move on. Out of love for real, and excited to open yourself (and your heart) to all the new possibilities that lay before you like riches. One day you realize that while you were busy dismantling your old life, the fabric of your new one was weaving in and out. Intertwining, building quickly, and solidly under you...ready to catch you long before you knew you were ready.

And to leave meant to replenish. 

So one day you just wake up, ready. And okay. And whole again. And happy. And even lucky. 

And you are reminded of something you already knew to be true. That when you tell the universe you’re ready, and ask for the next phase, she delivers. I can almost hear it. The woosh as she ushers out the old, and sweeps in the new. 

It’s the next act. Here are the new players. Begin. 

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