Expansion, and being bound

I am looking at the moon, and thinking both of expansion, and being bound.

I forget. I so often forget that I am a Russian nesting doll, with so many lifetimes inside of me. I've lived in other cities, I've had a big life. Teardrops are here, and on the streets of New York.

How do you ever properly close a chapter? This one has been long. The one where I am a single mom. I've been a single mom, on my own for so long now, I can't imagine what it wouldn't be like.

This is the one where I own my own my own little condo. The space that I call home for myself, and my boy. This little space of the world. This tiny square of earth...how can it feel so small, and so vast?

I think of when I was in elementary, and I was so aware of the weight of my being and the space I took up. If I stood in the corner of my room, that is all I would occupy in the world. But I felt so much bigger than what I realized I was restricted to.

I think of how ancient I was, when I was new. I think of my boy, and wonder how he experiences his being, and wonder if he is aware of his vastness or his restriction.

I am many lives packed neatly into one, wondering how you ever say goodby, or move forward, propelled into the unknown again and again...

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La Luna

photo by my dad 8/2014

I've got a thing for the moon. It started when I was little and my dad invented this game where he'd say to me, "see the moon?" I'd instantly look for it and he'd grab me, "gotcha!" I'd fall for it every time. I grew up, and forgot our game. But In 2012 when my uncle passed away I became fixated on the moon. It's like she called to me. I couldn't stop starting at her in the night. Wondering why I was allowed to look directly at her and how lucky that was. How close yet so far away she was. How big and small I felt in her presence. How human beings have both stood right where I did, and out where she was, looking back this way at me. It was the beginning. I began to question everything, and I began to remember the massive picture I am part of. She gave me comfort and lit the first light on my new path. She called me to healing, to expansion, to myself again.