Meme of person crying: "Me in my room imagining fake scenarios and hurting my own feelings."
I saw this meme awhile back, and last night I did exactly this. What started out as a simple trip down memory lane, left me feeling so sad by the end that I actually cried. Like out loud, made myself sob.
Looking back at images over the last few years, instead of a feeling wistful nostalgia, I was just pissed off that I've lived so much hurt. And then, as if that wasn't painful enough, I created all sorts of alternate universes in my mind of where life could go from here, with every one of them leaving me the short end of the stick.
I totally understand how people get to the point where they no longer choose to open up their hearts, since it's just a big old disappointment every time. A track record of people never delivering.
Maybe there's a little bit of the past I still need to reconcile. Little pieces of broken hearts left over from the years, in the sense that you can be over something, you can move on, and move along, but maybe you haven't fully processed, fully absorbed? The little pangs of hurt haven't become part of the whole, and they can bump and sting, like a game of Operation.
Maybe quarantine is getting to me. I've liked being alone so much lately, but perhaps now it's reached a point where being alone too much isn't a good thing. It gives me too much time to wander in my mind, and I should have known that I have a limit there. It can become too much. My imagination, big feelings, and love of time to just think is what makes me a great artist. Performer, and writer. But. This is also what makes being human so damn tricky for someone like me. The spiral becomes too deep, and you long to claw out, but you've explored so internally you can't enter into the outside world yet, leaving you in a big conundrum. If you know, you know.
Alone. This was the problem last night, you see. It was thinking about being alone...forever. And if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I'm up for that, should that happen. I started to worry about the types of love I have in my life, and is that enough to sustain me? Family, friends, and the love of my sweet son - which I am so lucky and grateful for.
But what about the other type of love?
And then...what if my son never sees me loved?
And then...am I okay with that?!
I just don't know.
It's now the morning after, and I am out for a run. I notice my thighs hurt from last night's run, but my heart doesn't hurt from last night's cry. And by 9 o'clock this morning...I am mostly okay. Will I be okay in years to come? Will my story be beautiful? Are there great surprises in store? Will it all "work out"? Only time will tell. But for now, it's just 9 am, and I am mostly okay.
What's the quote? Something about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity? Well, consider me certifiably insane, because I will never close off. I will never stop trying.
I will not stop opening my heart, even though it's only ever ended...
And even though it's only ever ended...
I am mostly okay...
so...I keep running.
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Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
May 16, 2020
Apr 30, 2020
Happy
4.26.2020
I am happy today. I don't feel this way often. Let me explain.
I have always inherently understood that happiness is not sustainable. It's not a place we end, but a place we land...from time to time. That we each come earth-side with our natural dispositions, and while we can adjust, and be influenced to a point, our temperature seems to be set where it's set, and we inevitably come back to land there.
I remember reading a book in my 20's that finally explained what I'd always known, which was that there are a million other things to be, rather than "happy". That is not to say I never land in "happiness", but the feeling of happiness that comes full on, that lasts the majority of the day, the whole body all-encompassing feeling of joy, just doesn't hit often.
And this is not to say that if one does not experience joy, that they must be experiencing it's opposite, for I do not exist full time in sadness, but rather, am a mix of many things.
I default in: a bit of melancholia, wistfulness, nostalgia, wonder, curiosity, and my other things I lack the vocabulary for, that make up my inner storm.
But when days like this hit, where my body is light, where I dwell lightly in it, when I have a pep in my step, a twinkle in my eye, and a smile on my face, when I have landed for a moment in happy...those days feel so good.
And I think they are extra special, because they don't come often.
Like a holiday.
I appreciate it like a holiday...
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I am happy today. I don't feel this way often. Let me explain.
I have always inherently understood that happiness is not sustainable. It's not a place we end, but a place we land...from time to time. That we each come earth-side with our natural dispositions, and while we can adjust, and be influenced to a point, our temperature seems to be set where it's set, and we inevitably come back to land there.
I remember reading a book in my 20's that finally explained what I'd always known, which was that there are a million other things to be, rather than "happy". That is not to say I never land in "happiness", but the feeling of happiness that comes full on, that lasts the majority of the day, the whole body all-encompassing feeling of joy, just doesn't hit often.
And this is not to say that if one does not experience joy, that they must be experiencing it's opposite, for I do not exist full time in sadness, but rather, am a mix of many things.
I default in: a bit of melancholia, wistfulness, nostalgia, wonder, curiosity, and my other things I lack the vocabulary for, that make up my inner storm.
But when days like this hit, where my body is light, where I dwell lightly in it, when I have a pep in my step, a twinkle in my eye, and a smile on my face, when I have landed for a moment in happy...those days feel so good.
And I think they are extra special, because they don't come often.
Like a holiday.
I appreciate it like a holiday...
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The Responsibility of Sensitivity
I posted the first part of this on social media, but was working on a much larger version here. It's finally done. Here you go.
It took me years to understand my sensitivity was my language on this earth, and that there would be no stamping out my essence. It took decades to learn it was my superpower.
I get to experience this world with vibrancy. With a bottomless heart, so full of love to give that it feels too big for my body most days.
My superpower means that I say yes more than no, I am not afraid to swing big, to miss, to burn it down, and to try again. I only know limitless, and I want to feel it ALL.
It means full out, head first, and there is no room for lukewarm or half-hearted anything.
It means I am okay with jumping first.
It means I am brave as hell.
It means I am the softest warrior you'll ever meet.
And it means in this life, I'll never be half-alive.
* * * * * *
I remember reading a quote years ago that said, "If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." I remember thinking how terrible that sounded. Only recently have I begun to understand what those words mean, and how beautiful a concept it actually is. Now I hear it and think of my sensitivity, and when I think of my sensitivity these days, a new layer to my understanding of it is emerging. One that has a few themes, like patience, and limitations, but is truly about responsibility.
The responsibility and ownership of highly sensitive feelings.
I think back on many times throughout my life where I was left waiting for a pice of the puzzle to slide into place. You see, I love hard, I make my mind up quick, and am prone to tunnel vision.
This means, when I'm in, I am in. I want what I want, and I love you/it to the bones.
This means I've often been left waiting for the other party to join me in the jump. This applies to everything from a romantic partner, to an RSVP for an event, to a career endeavor. And I am not a naturally patient person.
This means, I've spent a lot of time in my life feeling like someone else held the cards. As I'd wait for them to make up their mind, or what felt like to "choose me", I've often feel helpless, swimming in a sea of giant feelings. I've asked myself why my fate often feels in the hands of the other party, and why this theme had recurred through my life.
Only recently have I had a revelation about this, and that is the one of responsibility.
I am built to know my heart.
I am built to jump quick.
I am not afraid to feel intensely.
This makes me brave.
It's unfair to grant someone power over me.
Nobody gets to govern me, but me.
Maybe I want, love, and long at a higher frequency than most, but nobody asked to be the captain of my ship, and if I turn myself over to someone / something beyond my control who never asked for it, that's unfair. That's a pressure they've never asked for, and most likely are unaware of.
My responsibility for my sensitivity boils down to this: fully owning the depths at which I swim, and going there willingly, unharnessed, regardless of what the other side should ever choose.
Here I am.
I vibrate intensely, deeply, fully, and you can swim here with me -
should you choose to.
I will never be afraid. I will risk. I'm okay with jumping first.
I'd rather try and not get what I desire than never know.
I'd go to the ends of the earth, right now, today, easily, for my heart.
And, "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."
No regrets on offering up my lovely bones, entire.
I'm okay with loving more.
Always.
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It took me years to understand my sensitivity was my language on this earth, and that there would be no stamping out my essence. It took decades to learn it was my superpower.
I get to experience this world with vibrancy. With a bottomless heart, so full of love to give that it feels too big for my body most days.
My superpower means that I say yes more than no, I am not afraid to swing big, to miss, to burn it down, and to try again. I only know limitless, and I want to feel it ALL.
It means full out, head first, and there is no room for lukewarm or half-hearted anything.
It means I am okay with jumping first.
It means I am brave as hell.
It means I am the softest warrior you'll ever meet.
And it means in this life, I'll never be half-alive.
* * * * * *
I remember reading a quote years ago that said, "If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." I remember thinking how terrible that sounded. Only recently have I begun to understand what those words mean, and how beautiful a concept it actually is. Now I hear it and think of my sensitivity, and when I think of my sensitivity these days, a new layer to my understanding of it is emerging. One that has a few themes, like patience, and limitations, but is truly about responsibility.
The responsibility and ownership of highly sensitive feelings.
I think back on many times throughout my life where I was left waiting for a pice of the puzzle to slide into place. You see, I love hard, I make my mind up quick, and am prone to tunnel vision.
This means, when I'm in, I am in. I want what I want, and I love you/it to the bones.
This means I've often been left waiting for the other party to join me in the jump. This applies to everything from a romantic partner, to an RSVP for an event, to a career endeavor. And I am not a naturally patient person.
This means, I've spent a lot of time in my life feeling like someone else held the cards. As I'd wait for them to make up their mind, or what felt like to "choose me", I've often feel helpless, swimming in a sea of giant feelings. I've asked myself why my fate often feels in the hands of the other party, and why this theme had recurred through my life.
Only recently have I had a revelation about this, and that is the one of responsibility.
I am built to know my heart.
I am built to jump quick.
I am not afraid to feel intensely.
This makes me brave.
It's unfair to grant someone power over me.
Nobody gets to govern me, but me.
Maybe I want, love, and long at a higher frequency than most, but nobody asked to be the captain of my ship, and if I turn myself over to someone / something beyond my control who never asked for it, that's unfair. That's a pressure they've never asked for, and most likely are unaware of.
My responsibility for my sensitivity boils down to this: fully owning the depths at which I swim, and going there willingly, unharnessed, regardless of what the other side should ever choose.
Here I am.
I vibrate intensely, deeply, fully, and you can swim here with me -
should you choose to.
I will never be afraid. I will risk. I'm okay with jumping first.
I'd rather try and not get what I desire than never know.
I'd go to the ends of the earth, right now, today, easily, for my heart.
And, "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."
No regrets on offering up my lovely bones, entire.
I'm okay with loving more.
Always.
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Apr 1, 2018
April first.
Taking control of your healing.
Protecting your energy.
Nurturing your happiness in the face of whatever life is throwing your way.
That.
I was made to feel I wasn't entitled to my own happiness.
I began to understand.
I would no longer cast my pearls before shells, rather than souls.
My world expands.
I've been given back to myself.
Spring strengthens me.
Many attempts have been made to clip my wings.
I refuse.
Nobody gets to take them from me.
Hear me loud and clear when I roar the following...
My story will have a different ending. And that's okay.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Protecting your energy.
Nurturing your happiness in the face of whatever life is throwing your way.
That.
I was made to feel I wasn't entitled to my own happiness.
I began to understand.
I would no longer cast my pearls before shells, rather than souls.
My world expands.
I've been given back to myself.
Spring strengthens me.
Many attempts have been made to clip my wings.
I refuse.
Nobody gets to take them from me.
Hear me loud and clear when I roar the following...
My story will have a different ending. And that's okay.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Nov 10, 2016
The boy.
I can recall where I was four years ago instantly. Physically, I was wrapping up a temporary stay in NYC. I'd gone back for a few months to remember what it was like to be a student again, and immersed myself in classical training. Emotionally, it was the worst time of my life. 2012 wrecked havoc on my heart, head, and soul. We'd lost my uncle that May. He was lost to me in a slew of other losses that year, varying for me in degrees of devastation. I'd been shattered, and I was trying to rebuild. His birthday (the first he would not be there for) was November 9. On November 10, I saw a play. I left on a high. I came back to where I was staying only to find out via face-time that my Grandpa had just died. I could't get home fast enough. I'll never forget that feeling. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
Four years later, everything I've lost has come back to me in a new form. All that loss cleared out space for me to gain so much. I truly believe that must happen, and I am left even more amazed at the way birth and death are, in fact, one.
But there's a final piece from 2012 that I've never shared, because it didn't click for me until recently. And four years later on the birthday/departing day anniversaries, here it is.
Four years ago I had what can only be described as a vision. I wrote bout it here.https://theshapeshiftingpoet.blogspot.com/2015/04/neither-here-nor-there.html I was in Southern Utah for my my grandpa's funeral. Falling asleep, I saw as clear as day my grandpa and uncle outside in a beautiful clearing. The sun was bright. The sky bright blue. The grass and trees around them a vibrant green. They were young, and they looked so good! They had with them a toddler. A boy. He was as blonde as can be. They were all so happy, playing with him. Doing that thing you do with little kids where you hold their hands and spin them around so their feet are off the ground. It was very real. It was happening, or had happened, wherever they were. I didn't know who the toddler was, but they seemed to be taking care of him.
I thought about it from time to time over the years, but it didn't hit me until recently who that boy was...
For the Squirrel and the Bluebird, who continue to give.
DM
Apr 19, 2016
Milestones
In the last few weeks I've learned more than ever to appreciate the little things. Stolen moments of time to myself, bits of quality time with my husband. I've also learned just how big the big things are, like our baby reaching one month, and meeting his Great Grandma for the first time.
Becoming a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Nobody can prepare you for how hard and truly life-altering it is, no matter how many times you hear that it will be. But it's also filled me with more love than I ever would have thought possible. I ache for my baby when he's in someone else's arms. I miss him when he's across the room. I can't get enough of him. I can't imagine there's anything better than staring at his beautiful face.
To my surprise, motherhood has brought out a new confidence in me. I've never felt better as far as being at home in my own skin.
I've always loved documenting and sharing in pictures, especially at this time in my life. After the baby and I wrapped a photoshoot yesterday, I had to get out in the beautiful weather. I love spring.
This is the most significant spring yet. All is new.
This is the most significant spring yet. All is new.
Necklace available at Got Beauty $14.99
Thanks for reading,
DM
Dec 4, 2015
All about the brow!
I've been obsessed with brows as long as I can remember. Good eyebrows are so important, and can completely transform a face. Perfectly groomed brows have never been more popular. It's almost overwhelming how many options are out there right now with brow makeup.
I've always done my own. I have a pretty high arch naturally, and plucked to play that up. This meant thinning my brow, and right now big brows are in. I blame/thank Cara Delevingne!
Over the last few months I decided to let my brows grow. This meant other than between the brows and the occasional real straggler, no plucking. I was curious to see what would come in, and take the change to reshape them. I love mixing it up with my look.
The photo below was over the summer (right), vs a week or so ago (left). I'm not sure if you can tell on the left, but despite my anastasia dip brow over my brows, they were getting pretty unruly! It was getting harder to put makeup in unkempt brows, and it wasn't hiding the every which way hairs. They needed help, and I'd let it go so long that for the first time in my life, I didn't want to touch them myself!
I made my first ever appointment to have them waxed and tinted with Michelle at Got Beauty. I've been so protective of my brows (I may be a bit of a control freak), but I knew this was the time to hand them over to an expert.
Um, why haven't I done this sooner? She was great! We talked about the thickness and color we were going for, and then she showed me a couple of spots to see if I wanted to get rid of certain hairs or let more time pass to see what else will grow in. We opted for the latter. I couldn't believe the difference! The shaping, the precision. Just look.
Don't let the redness below and above the brow fool you. It wasn't painful. That night I had an event and used my anastasia dip brow like always, and this time it was so much easier! No unruly hairs, an exact shape to follow, I have to say that I was happier with my brows that night than I've been in a long time! They are finally looking the way I'd hoped and was going for!
I'm sold. I'm leaving them in the hands of the experts from now on.
Want to book an appointment? Got Beauty has a convenient sugarhouse location, Michelle is so nice, and the room is beautiful. It was $30 total for my wax & tint. Give them a call!
~DM
I've always done my own. I have a pretty high arch naturally, and plucked to play that up. This meant thinning my brow, and right now big brows are in. I blame/thank Cara Delevingne!
Over the last few months I decided to let my brows grow. This meant other than between the brows and the occasional real straggler, no plucking. I was curious to see what would come in, and take the change to reshape them. I love mixing it up with my look.
The photo below was over the summer (right), vs a week or so ago (left). I'm not sure if you can tell on the left, but despite my anastasia dip brow over my brows, they were getting pretty unruly! It was getting harder to put makeup in unkempt brows, and it wasn't hiding the every which way hairs. They needed help, and I'd let it go so long that for the first time in my life, I didn't want to touch them myself!
I made my first ever appointment to have them waxed and tinted with Michelle at Got Beauty. I've been so protective of my brows (I may be a bit of a control freak), but I knew this was the time to hand them over to an expert.
Um, why haven't I done this sooner? She was great! We talked about the thickness and color we were going for, and then she showed me a couple of spots to see if I wanted to get rid of certain hairs or let more time pass to see what else will grow in. We opted for the latter. I couldn't believe the difference! The shaping, the precision. Just look.
Don't let the redness below and above the brow fool you. It wasn't painful. That night I had an event and used my anastasia dip brow like always, and this time it was so much easier! No unruly hairs, an exact shape to follow, I have to say that I was happier with my brows that night than I've been in a long time! They are finally looking the way I'd hoped and was going for!
I'm sold. I'm leaving them in the hands of the experts from now on.
Want to book an appointment? Got Beauty has a convenient sugarhouse location, Michelle is so nice, and the room is beautiful. It was $30 total for my wax & tint. Give them a call!
~DM
Nov 30, 2015
Baby Bump!
It's finally starting to look a bit more like a baby bump! This wednesday I'll be 25 weeks. It's still small, so trying to accentuate it with my hands in these pictures helped. I ran into an old friend over the weekend and she had no idea I was even pregnant! I assumed she knew, and when I text her after the fact she was shocked. As soon as it gets a little bigger I plan to start dressing to show it off.
Pregnancy is so strange. I can't believe the stages, and how it becomes more real all the time. I feel myself transforming more and more into this new person. While I may not be able to see him yet, Charlie and I already have a relationship and strong connection like nothing I've ever experienced.
My son.
I can't wait to hold him in my arms.
I can't believe how much I love him already.
Like my heart shaped sunnies? Head to sugarhouse shop Got Beauty for your own!
~DM
Pregnancy is so strange. I can't believe the stages, and how it becomes more real all the time. I feel myself transforming more and more into this new person. While I may not be able to see him yet, Charlie and I already have a relationship and strong connection like nothing I've ever experienced.
My son.
I can't wait to hold him in my arms.
I can't believe how much I love him already.
Like my heart shaped sunnies? Head to sugarhouse shop Got Beauty for your own!
~DM
Nov 22, 2015
Hello Honey Bunny
When I was little I was given a stuffed bunny that I named Melissa. She went everywhere with me. There are many childhood photos of her zipped up in my coat right along with me. I did chores and earned money to save up for a second bunny. Soon I had also had Gina. As an only chid, these two were now my sisters. I told friends I actually did have two sisters. I'm sure they wondered why they never met them!
Naturally, I've always loved anything to do with bunnies, and just look how cute this makeup bag from Sugarhouse shop Got Beauty is! A perfect little pouch for my NYX gloss obsession (that's another post). Or whatever your makeup obsession may be. $20, and a great gift idea for a girlie girl in your life. There are other designs and sizes as well. Pop in the shop, or hop online, quick! Like a bunny.
~DM
Apr 16, 2015
Saying yes.
I came across the above picture a couple of years ago now. A friend of mine, Paul Duane, posted this along with many others on his blog after his first experience at Burning Man. That post of his affected me deeply. I still thinking about it and re visit it. While at Burning Man Paul asked, "Imagine that I handed you a microphone; when you speak into it, the whole world can understand and hear you at the same time. You can make 3 statements. What would you say?"
So many of the words and phrases that these people shared inspired me. I still get chills when I scroll through. I find that different ones speak to me, depending on what I've learned, and what I'm going through. However, the one above remains my favorite.
1.) The more people you meet, the more you learn about yourself.
2.) Before you have an opinion about something, you must experience that thing.
3.) If you say no, your reason for saying no must be better than the reason for saying yes.
I use these on a regular basis. The other day I found that I needed to reminded myself of #3. It's true that if it scares you, you should probably do it. Most of the time when I (and I'm going to bet you) say no, it's because of fear. When you check in and honestly find that the answer is "because I'm scared", you know it's time to be brave and say yes.
The fact that this strangers words have been with me and helped me for nearly two years now is pretty cool, isn't it? We impact other people more than we think. We all guide each other. Share your words, experiences, and stories. You never know who you're helping.
I thought I'd pass this on. Keep passing on.
Thank you, stranger. Thank you, Paul.
What 3 statements would you make?
Thanks for reading,
Deena Marie
xo
Feb 6, 2015
I'm cheap! (The makeup post)
Sometimes I can't believe how expensive makeup is. I love MAC foundation but I cringe each time I hand over my (nearly) forty bucks. And makeup brushes? Don't get me started. Over the last couple years I've found some pretty comparable products to the big name stuff for CHEAP. I thought I'd let you in on my secrets.
Revlon Photo Ready Foundation | approx $10
Target brand eye makeup remover | $4.59
I use this and a cotton ball to take off my eye makeup at night. It is incredibly gentle and comes right off. No tugging at your eye.
ELF makeup brushes | $3
I've got a bunch of different brushes. Multiples of some. How can you not when each brush is only a couple of dollars? ELF is the best kept secret, I'm telling you. And the quality is surprisingly awesome. They are durable. I've never had a problem with brush hairs falling out and ending up all over my bathroom sink or on my face like I have with other cheap brushes.
NYX lipgloss | $5 … NYX eyeshadow | $3
I'm sure you've seen or heard of NYX by now. I'm obsessed. It's been just about the only gloss I've put on my lips for over a year now. There are so many shades to choose from, too. I like the pinks. The color I'm ALWAYS wearing? Peaches & Cream.
You'd think something so small would go quickly, right? Wrong! I've been using two vials of bronze NYX eye shadows regularly for over a year now, and I've got half left in each! What I love most about this loose shadow, is that the pigment is so strong.
Revlon Photo Ready Foundation | approx $10
When I just need to take a break from spending my pennies on my beloved MAC Mineralize, Revlon Photo Ready is next in line. Flawless. Just make sure you get this one and NOT the airbrush mousse! Eeek! The airbrush mousse is my least favorite foundation yet. The way it comes out of the bottle (what a mess) the texture, and how transparent it is. I apply my foundation with the ELF small stipple brush. I only use powder when I have to, for tv or over a small blemish.
That's it!
What do you want to know next?
Deena Marie
Jan 22, 2015
Why
With a childlike demeanor she asks the question why.
Every time, of everything.
She asks again, and then rephrases.
She will do so until she understands in only the way she can,
she will not stop asking why.
She cannot stop asking.
The thing inside will drive her mad if she does not ask.
It's a thirst, a desire, an obsession.
To know everything. To constantly seek for truth.
To weed the make believe out of the story.
The need to know will overtake.
The excruciating need to understand.
Brain on fire, trying to make sense of it.
Of all of it, of what she is, and where she is, and why she is.
The only way she believes she'll ever know,
is to keep digging around her,
to keep prodding,
breaking,
clawing,
and to keep the why alive.
Every time, of everything.
She asks again, and then rephrases.
She will do so until she understands in only the way she can,
she will not stop asking why.
She cannot stop asking.
The thing inside will drive her mad if she does not ask.
It's a thirst, a desire, an obsession.
To know everything. To constantly seek for truth.
To weed the make believe out of the story.
The need to know will overtake.
The excruciating need to understand.
Brain on fire, trying to make sense of it.
Of all of it, of what she is, and where she is, and why she is.
The only way she believes she'll ever know,
is to keep digging around her,
to keep prodding,
breaking,
clawing,
and to keep the why alive.
Jan 20, 2015
These bones.
I came across this beautiful quote a few weeks back, and it's stuck with me. It struck me as something I would have declared was exactly my life if I'd found it three years ago. It no longer is, but still it stayed. I've been mulling it over and finally realized, somewhat of the opposite is now true for me.
Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I've lived.
I touched on this a few posts ago. How can I be this young and have already been so many people? Had so many lives?
How do we hold our bones together as each year layers on?
~ Deena Marie
Oct 9, 2013
The Truth
I'm committed to my truth. To discovering, to following, and to living my truth. This hasn't always been the case. Simply because I didn't know any better. I didn't know how many layers my truth was under, or how to find it. I knew I wanted it. I knew I was unsettled. I was searching. But for what? A current of dissatisfaction always running through me. At times the volume was up and at times it was barely audible. But it was always there.
The truth cannot be forced. I've said it before and I'll say it again, sometimes the truth looks different than others want it to. In the beginning, it might even look different than what you want it to. But guess what? Your truth is yours and yours alone. What is true for you is what matters. Your personal life is yours. And guess what? It affects nobody else. And if it "does"? That's because you no longer fit into the role/view/image they've assigned to you, and that's their issue to deal with. It's not about you.
You owe it to yourself to be the best, most authentic version of yourself. I cannot stress that enough. I. Promise. You. Everything will fall into place around that. Relationships change around you and so do your reactions. For the better.
Again, the truth cannot be forced. Sometimes it takes years, or the majority of a lifetime (or maybe it never happens) to peel back your layers. To rid yourself of "what should be". You can trick yourself. You can be in denial and not be aware of it. You can let fear hold you back. You can stay in a life that's stagnant, small, because your not sure that if you jump that the universe will be there to catch you.
I promise you it will. A wise friend of mine told me, "the universe will rise up to meet you every time", and it's the honest to god truth.
Leap. Just leap.
Tune in. Be still. Be quiet. When you sense something is off, it's because it is. When you sense something is right, it's because it is. No matter how small. No matter how many times you shrug it off, or explain it away. This is where we trip up. This is where we convolute the simplicity of life. Because we tell ourselves we are a certain way, with a certain role to play, and life must go accordingly. When things don't "fit" we try to dismiss them.
Don't. That's your truth knocking.
No one can tell you your truth. They can only tell you their opinion based on the role they've assigned you to their own life / world view. You owe no one an explanation. Who is anyone else to tell you what's right or wrong for you? Who is anyone to stop you from growing? From living? From escaping restraints, and falsehoods?
Finding your truth is a messy, destructive process. It is not without ramifications. It is not without hurt. You will hurt loved ones along the way. You will break your own heart.
"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens" - Rumi
Open it.
Thanks for reading,
Deena Marie
Instagram: @deena_marie
twitter: @DeenaMarie
FB: /TheDeenaShow
* * *
Apr 6, 2013
John P. Shanley
John P. Shanley the playwright has the best Facebook updates of anyone. Ever.
I didn't know when I saw you that you were engraved in me forever. Before they built the house where we first embraced, the land there waited for our arrival like a mother. I watch white clouds fall from the sky. The sea hesitates between tides. The sun itself seems uncertain. There is a gathering up of the powers. What is this finite silence that fills me with dread? It's not the future I fear. It is Now. Bring me Tomorrow.
The energies that govern us, come from us. The greater energies that we witness from our own obscurity, confirm an overarching Spirit.
When the prison is invisible, the escape may also be invisible.
On my way to you, I walked through a rare perfume. It conjured a night undone by days. What makes us too weak to forge a destiny? Why did you let me go? Why did I set you free?
What you leave out is the story.
The first daffodils escape the earth. A prison opens up its gates. Spring breaks free. That heavy heart rushes out towards the sun. You are forgiven.
What do you want? Love? You have it. Oh, you want to give it? Then do. But give it to those who want it. Don't impose your love., for love imposed is not love at all; it's pain you'd like to shed. But what should you do with your pain that's not an imposition? Jump into the sea and worship life.
I didn't know when I saw you that you were engraved in me forever. Before they built the house where we first embraced, the land there waited for our arrival like a mother. I watch white clouds fall from the sky. The sea hesitates between tides. The sun itself seems uncertain. There is a gathering up of the powers. What is this finite silence that fills me with dread? It's not the future I fear. It is Now. Bring me Tomorrow.
The energies that govern us, come from us. The greater energies that we witness from our own obscurity, confirm an overarching Spirit.
When the prison is invisible, the escape may also be invisible.
On my way to you, I walked through a rare perfume. It conjured a night undone by days. What makes us too weak to forge a destiny? Why did you let me go? Why did I set you free?
What you leave out is the story.
The first daffodils escape the earth. A prison opens up its gates. Spring breaks free. That heavy heart rushes out towards the sun. You are forgiven.
What do you want? Love? You have it. Oh, you want to give it? Then do. But give it to those who want it. Don't impose your love., for love imposed is not love at all; it's pain you'd like to shed. But what should you do with your pain that's not an imposition? Jump into the sea and worship life.
Mar 27, 2013
7:04
At 7:04 on March 27th, Mars sent down his child to occupy earth.
Spun into solid in the form of daughter she would temporarily belong
to one Lauren and Claude.
Bursting into being, she took her first breath between screams
louder than the average baby.
This 8 lb 8 ounce space traveling freedom fighter had not one moment to spare.
What she knew instantly, was that her bones were made of poetry
and her soul of the fire from her home planet.
She was also old. This she knew best. She was weary and worn.
The journey had been long.
She saw children as children and recognized herself only as the wise sage
who had just been sent back, now housed inside this tiny five year old body.
As for the scar on her cheek, she wondered how it would look as she grew.
It faded and vanished and as she got older, and her old age faded too.
She began to adapt and blend into humanity and forget
that in the beginning she knew all.
Nearly forgotten were the endless summer evenings outside
wondering why she was so old and how everything was so clear,
and the way it felt as the end of the last was reconciling itself with the start of the new.
Decades passed and her youth caught up to her
with a tap on the shoulder and a seep into her skin.
She would now temporarily belong.
Her way would be lost, but she would always find it a year or two later in the same orbit
when the time was right, for nothing had ever really gone away at all.
It had only moved.
Out of reach.
For a time.
She would take the form of wife. And in the future she knew, mother.
And along the way, the alchemy inside the vessel would match
the movement of the cosmos
and whisper with her soul to follow the omens.
And this is where the story stops.
For a minute. Because this is all we know of it.
The journey will be long.
She is weary.
But she will continue. Space traveling, freedom fighting child of Mars.
Because she is young now. And getting closer each round.
There is something here to do. It pulls her closer a little more each day.
She temporarily belongs. And when the final round is up,
the poetry and flames can finally dismember,
streaking the sky, moving onward and upward,
and home she goes to rest.
Spun into solid in the form of daughter she would temporarily belong
to one Lauren and Claude.
Bursting into being, she took her first breath between screams
louder than the average baby.
This 8 lb 8 ounce space traveling freedom fighter had not one moment to spare.
What she knew instantly, was that her bones were made of poetry
and her soul of the fire from her home planet.
She was also old. This she knew best. She was weary and worn.
The journey had been long.
She saw children as children and recognized herself only as the wise sage
who had just been sent back, now housed inside this tiny five year old body.
As for the scar on her cheek, she wondered how it would look as she grew.
It faded and vanished and as she got older, and her old age faded too.
She began to adapt and blend into humanity and forget
that in the beginning she knew all.
Nearly forgotten were the endless summer evenings outside
wondering why she was so old and how everything was so clear,
and the way it felt as the end of the last was reconciling itself with the start of the new.
Decades passed and her youth caught up to her
with a tap on the shoulder and a seep into her skin.
She would now temporarily belong.
Her way would be lost, but she would always find it a year or two later in the same orbit
when the time was right, for nothing had ever really gone away at all.
It had only moved.
Out of reach.
For a time.
She would take the form of wife. And in the future she knew, mother.
And along the way, the alchemy inside the vessel would match
the movement of the cosmos
and whisper with her soul to follow the omens.
And this is where the story stops.
For a minute. Because this is all we know of it.
The journey will be long.
She is weary.
But she will continue. Space traveling, freedom fighting child of Mars.
Because she is young now. And getting closer each round.
There is something here to do. It pulls her closer a little more each day.
She temporarily belongs. And when the final round is up,
the poetry and flames can finally dismember,
streaking the sky, moving onward and upward,
and home she goes to rest.
Mar 23, 2013
Pieces
I came across a piece of paper with some bits of words and poetry while spring cleaning. I wanted to hurry and put them here before I lost them for good. I've been so busy lately with starting a new job, getting ready to go back to school, meeting with advisors, photo shoots, various other appointments, and filming for youtube. My head is spinning! Nothing is ever spread out. Life always feels full blast or standing still.
I'm also going to be writing more this year, and sharing it through spoken word on my youtube channel. I'm very excited about this. I've already put up my first. I wanted to just do it and feel it out, with no outside influences. Now that it's done, I'm ready to delve deep. I've spent my day off watching some incredible online spoken word performances. My learning has begun, and I'm off to see some locals next week.
I always have bits of poems and stories in me but I haven't had a chance to get them all out this week. I managed the beginnings of something the other day and jotted it down before I left for work.
Here are the pieces of all of the above. I think I'll start giving you pieces here more often. When they come and I can catch them before they've gone.
You can translate however you like.
When you wonder how they might pertain...well...sometimes they mean nothing.
And sometimes they mean everything.
* * * * *
3.21.2013
Sometimes I am rendered immobile with worry
I will never be capable of loving anything
but the unattainable
* * * * *
2012
I feel in words.
I document as the only way I know how.
In poem.
* * * * *
Spring 2012 (probably April or early May)
So many pairs of eyes fixed upon a monitor of sorts
that none of us can read or speak or translate
to any sort of comfort or explanation
I cannot take my eyes off my mother.
I see her as she must have ben at five.
She is a child.
Right down to the ponytail she wears
at her big brothers bedside.
We wait.
One collective breath.
This room is so full.
So silent and so full.
The air is rich.
Absolutely rich with memories.
It is palpable.
* * * * * *
I'm also going to be writing more this year, and sharing it through spoken word on my youtube channel. I'm very excited about this. I've already put up my first. I wanted to just do it and feel it out, with no outside influences. Now that it's done, I'm ready to delve deep. I've spent my day off watching some incredible online spoken word performances. My learning has begun, and I'm off to see some locals next week.
I always have bits of poems and stories in me but I haven't had a chance to get them all out this week. I managed the beginnings of something the other day and jotted it down before I left for work.
Here are the pieces of all of the above. I think I'll start giving you pieces here more often. When they come and I can catch them before they've gone.
You can translate however you like.
When you wonder how they might pertain...well...sometimes they mean nothing.
And sometimes they mean everything.
* * * * *
3.21.2013
Sometimes I am rendered immobile with worry
I will never be capable of loving anything
but the unattainable
* * * * *
2012
I feel in words.
I document as the only way I know how.
In poem.
* * * * *
Spring 2012 (probably April or early May)
So many pairs of eyes fixed upon a monitor of sorts
that none of us can read or speak or translate
to any sort of comfort or explanation
I cannot take my eyes off my mother.
I see her as she must have ben at five.
She is a child.
Right down to the ponytail she wears
at her big brothers bedside.
We wait.
One collective breath.
This room is so full.
So silent and so full.
The air is rich.
Absolutely rich with memories.
It is palpable.
* * * * * *
Mar 11, 2013
Her name was Athena
There once was a little girl named Athena.
Formed in a star, created in eternity.
She came to live on Earth sometimes, and always found it difficult.
For you see, she simply didn't fit.
She carried too much recycled warrior stardust to pack neatly into human form.
The parts inside were just too big.
Ancestor tapestry of Sylvia Plath, Carl Sagan, Joan of Arc
seemed at times the perfect, albeit unfortunate, melancholia.
Although lightly pinned together, she is trapped.
A temporary purgatory of constant fighting, forging, blazing,
It is relentless. She must push through.
Until she returns once more, parts scattering,
releasing, before she becomes something else.
She longs for the day when she'll feel it again,
The freedom of the in between...home.
Where she belongs.
In the sky.
The galaxy's aching poet child can do nothing,
or she can do everything...while she waits.
- Deena Marie 3.11.2013
Formed in a star, created in eternity.
She came to live on Earth sometimes, and always found it difficult.
For you see, she simply didn't fit.
She carried too much recycled warrior stardust to pack neatly into human form.
The parts inside were just too big.
Ancestor tapestry of Sylvia Plath, Carl Sagan, Joan of Arc
seemed at times the perfect, albeit unfortunate, melancholia.
Although lightly pinned together, she is trapped.
A temporary purgatory of constant fighting, forging, blazing,
It is relentless. She must push through.
Until she returns once more, parts scattering,
releasing, before she becomes something else.
She longs for the day when she'll feel it again,
The freedom of the in between...home.
Where she belongs.
In the sky.
The galaxy's aching poet child can do nothing,
or she can do everything...while she waits.
- Deena Marie 3.11.2013
Mar 8, 2013
Wanting the impossible.
I've been thinking about "the impossibilities of judging another" for nearly 24 hours now. It started with a comment I made on a Facebook post that got my thoughts swirling and my words forming, and now here I am. With something much bigger than I originally intended to post.
Over the course of life you learn to never say never. I can't stress how important this mantra has become to me. And crucial. Over time, you will find yourself in situations you never in a million years thought you'd be in, or could have ever planned for. Planning, in fact, is a large part of the problem. Planning is a trick and often has the reverse effect of what the intentions behind it are. If you make a plan from which you tell yourself you cannot waver, any unexpected event or roadblock will only cause you grief.
Plans can of course be good. It means you have an idea of what you want and what you're interested in. That is, if it's your plan and not someone else's plan for you. It means you're tuning in. You're following your instincts and following your heart.
But the most important things of all when planning, are flexibility and adaptability. That's the secret. All the things you tell yourself when you're a teenager and in your early twenties (when you are one hundred and fifty percent sure of who you are, what you stand for, and all you'll ever want to be) only belong to a version of you.
You know the time you wait for (that you know one day will magically come) when you're finally a grown up, and you'll know how to be an adult? And what to do, and how to do it just like you see your parents do? It never comes.
It's all one big experiment up until our physical body expires. An experiment for you, your parents, for anyone you've ever known or will know.
We're all making it up as we go along and doing our best for what is right for the version we are at any given moment in time.
As you grow and gather along the way all the unexpected, transformative, huge, and traumatic experiences that add to the sum of who you are, you realize just how impossible (and not only impossible but completely nonsensical) it is to ever judge another.
See, we never know what we're capable of until we're forced with the thing we swore we'd never have to do, or the situation we knew could never happen to us.
There's that word again. Never. Never say never.
If, or more importantly when, these lessons arise, be gentle with yourself. Forgive. It will wound you but it doesn't have to ruin you. It feels for awhile like a betrayal to who we thought we were or who we wanted to be, finding ourselves in that spot that happen to other people but never to us.
Acceptance is crucial. Accept simply that "we don't know what it is we don't know." And that the same is true for any human, at any moment. There is only sympathy. There is only compassion. The more you surprise yourself, survive, and age, the clearer this becomes. That to judge another is impossible. Everything you know to be true right now, can one day change by events in life that you'd never see coming.
You would want sympathy and understanding, and you certainly wouldn't want to be judged when it's you. Why wouldn't everyone else want and deserve it, too?
Lately, when I see judgements passed it makes me sad. A dull, deep, sadness. I'm not sure why now, or why so sad.
Judging yourself or others is so small. So incredibly small. It comes from a small mind, a small world view, a small life, and keeps it small. I do realize that judgement comes from a place of simply not knowing. There should be compassion for that concept alone, and I'm trying. But it hurts. I'm not even talking about or being spurred on from any recent personal experience. Just from observation.
Maybe it's because more than ever I am aware and understand that every fiber in me craves the opposite. I choose big. I want the biggest mind I'm capable of. The biggest life with every possible experience. The answers and opportunities to explore from getting the knowledge I'm seeking. It's on full force within me. The volume is up.
I've also been slowly but surely trying to wrap my head around and notice that our thoughts have everything to do with our happiness. Our reality and how we perceive and experience the world. Judging is negative. Even if you don't realize it, the negative energy adds up. Not only do others sense the negativity and instinctually avoid you, but it drains you. And you aren't as happy.
The question I keep coming back to when thinking about this is, "how can you judge what you don't know?" You don't know the decisions someone has had to make that they never wanted to, or planned on. How can you tell anyone outside of yourself what is right? Or wrong?
It's like the Carl Sagan quote, "If you want to make apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe." For someone to explain "why" they are the way they are to someone judging them for it, they would have to start with the moment of birth, and then every experience they've ever had, and the impact of every person they've ever encountered so you could understand what has shaped them into who they are up until that point. But actually, then you'd need to go further back. You'd have to explore the lives of the parents that birthed them. Then their parents, and their lives, and their parents, their lives, and so on.
But here's the other thing. No explanation is necessary. To anyone outside of yourself.
You are enough. You do what you can, with what you have, where you are, today.
If more people understood that, there would be more sympathy and less judgement. Sure we all believe what we believe is right. We may even think we need to spread messages to sway other people in to our beliefs or lifestyles. But I'd like to suggest another way. I think there's simply the way of sharing what we know. I've said it a million times, we are each others teachers. It's crucial. What if instead of preaching what we know is right or true, we just gave? What if we just share who we are, who we've been, and who we're becoming, and let others interpret and take from it what they will? And what if this sharing of the self came from a only a place of love? Of compassion? Of expecting nothing in return? Of a judgement free place.
What I realize is I am seeking the people who are big. In mind, in heart, and in life. The teachers. The lifters. The inspirations. I want to surround myself with those who have the most knowledge. The biggest minds. The most open of hearts.
Those who will help me in spreading compassion.
There is only compassion.
There is only love.
Compassion and love bring unity.
We are all one.
Thanks for reading
My life in pictures: http://instagram.com/deena_marie/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow
Video: http://www.youtube.com/beanerlarue
* * * * * * *
Over the course of life you learn to never say never. I can't stress how important this mantra has become to me. And crucial. Over time, you will find yourself in situations you never in a million years thought you'd be in, or could have ever planned for. Planning, in fact, is a large part of the problem. Planning is a trick and often has the reverse effect of what the intentions behind it are. If you make a plan from which you tell yourself you cannot waver, any unexpected event or roadblock will only cause you grief.
Plans can of course be good. It means you have an idea of what you want and what you're interested in. That is, if it's your plan and not someone else's plan for you. It means you're tuning in. You're following your instincts and following your heart.
But the most important things of all when planning, are flexibility and adaptability. That's the secret. All the things you tell yourself when you're a teenager and in your early twenties (when you are one hundred and fifty percent sure of who you are, what you stand for, and all you'll ever want to be) only belong to a version of you.
You know the time you wait for (that you know one day will magically come) when you're finally a grown up, and you'll know how to be an adult? And what to do, and how to do it just like you see your parents do? It never comes.
It's all one big experiment up until our physical body expires. An experiment for you, your parents, for anyone you've ever known or will know.
We're all making it up as we go along and doing our best for what is right for the version we are at any given moment in time.
As you grow and gather along the way all the unexpected, transformative, huge, and traumatic experiences that add to the sum of who you are, you realize just how impossible (and not only impossible but completely nonsensical) it is to ever judge another.
See, we never know what we're capable of until we're forced with the thing we swore we'd never have to do, or the situation we knew could never happen to us.
There's that word again. Never. Never say never.
If, or more importantly when, these lessons arise, be gentle with yourself. Forgive. It will wound you but it doesn't have to ruin you. It feels for awhile like a betrayal to who we thought we were or who we wanted to be, finding ourselves in that spot that happen to other people but never to us.
Acceptance is crucial. Accept simply that "we don't know what it is we don't know." And that the same is true for any human, at any moment. There is only sympathy. There is only compassion. The more you surprise yourself, survive, and age, the clearer this becomes. That to judge another is impossible. Everything you know to be true right now, can one day change by events in life that you'd never see coming.
You would want sympathy and understanding, and you certainly wouldn't want to be judged when it's you. Why wouldn't everyone else want and deserve it, too?
Lately, when I see judgements passed it makes me sad. A dull, deep, sadness. I'm not sure why now, or why so sad.
Judging yourself or others is so small. So incredibly small. It comes from a small mind, a small world view, a small life, and keeps it small. I do realize that judgement comes from a place of simply not knowing. There should be compassion for that concept alone, and I'm trying. But it hurts. I'm not even talking about or being spurred on from any recent personal experience. Just from observation.
Maybe it's because more than ever I am aware and understand that every fiber in me craves the opposite. I choose big. I want the biggest mind I'm capable of. The biggest life with every possible experience. The answers and opportunities to explore from getting the knowledge I'm seeking. It's on full force within me. The volume is up.
I've also been slowly but surely trying to wrap my head around and notice that our thoughts have everything to do with our happiness. Our reality and how we perceive and experience the world. Judging is negative. Even if you don't realize it, the negative energy adds up. Not only do others sense the negativity and instinctually avoid you, but it drains you. And you aren't as happy.
The question I keep coming back to when thinking about this is, "how can you judge what you don't know?" You don't know the decisions someone has had to make that they never wanted to, or planned on. How can you tell anyone outside of yourself what is right? Or wrong?
It's like the Carl Sagan quote, "If you want to make apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe." For someone to explain "why" they are the way they are to someone judging them for it, they would have to start with the moment of birth, and then every experience they've ever had, and the impact of every person they've ever encountered so you could understand what has shaped them into who they are up until that point. But actually, then you'd need to go further back. You'd have to explore the lives of the parents that birthed them. Then their parents, and their lives, and their parents, their lives, and so on.
But here's the other thing. No explanation is necessary. To anyone outside of yourself.
You are enough. You do what you can, with what you have, where you are, today.
If more people understood that, there would be more sympathy and less judgement. Sure we all believe what we believe is right. We may even think we need to spread messages to sway other people in to our beliefs or lifestyles. But I'd like to suggest another way. I think there's simply the way of sharing what we know. I've said it a million times, we are each others teachers. It's crucial. What if instead of preaching what we know is right or true, we just gave? What if we just share who we are, who we've been, and who we're becoming, and let others interpret and take from it what they will? And what if this sharing of the self came from a only a place of love? Of compassion? Of expecting nothing in return? Of a judgement free place.
What I realize is I am seeking the people who are big. In mind, in heart, and in life. The teachers. The lifters. The inspirations. I want to surround myself with those who have the most knowledge. The biggest minds. The most open of hearts.
Those who will help me in spreading compassion.
There is only compassion.
There is only love.
Compassion and love bring unity.
We are all one.
Thanks for reading
My life in pictures: http://instagram.com/deena_marie/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow
Video: http://www.youtube.com/beanerlarue
* * * * * * *
Feb 3, 2013
I want.
I want.
I want to explore places far from here and feel my size in each.
I want to feel tiny while suspended in immensity.
I want to feel limitless while on my own two feet.
I want each moment to feel different.
I want to travel for hours, enter new time zones
and see things I don't yet know exist.
I want to learn constantly of my smallness on the earth
and try in vain to understand how grand the universe is
a little more with each bit of new.
I want to leave earth.
I want to see it from the outside in
I want to break my own heart with the beauty of the beyond
Only then will I feel like I've returned to my roots,
to where I was born.
in stars,
in sky.
I want my ears to ring with the music of the spheres.
I want to feel extreme climates and every texture of the earth
I want to see color that never ends
I want to grow bigger with each bit of new
I want to forget I'm human
I want to forget what I look like, my name, all I've done
I want to dissolve into oneness
dissipate into the whole...
That's how I feel when I see pictures like this:
I want to explore places far from here and feel my size in each.
I want to feel tiny while suspended in immensity.
I want to feel limitless while on my own two feet.
I want each moment to feel different.
I want to travel for hours, enter new time zones
and see things I don't yet know exist.
I want to learn constantly of my smallness on the earth
and try in vain to understand how grand the universe is
a little more with each bit of new.
I want to leave earth.
I want to see it from the outside in
I want to break my own heart with the beauty of the beyond
Only then will I feel like I've returned to my roots,
to where I was born.
in stars,
in sky.
I want my ears to ring with the music of the spheres.
I want to feel extreme climates and every texture of the earth
I want to see color that never ends
I want to grow bigger with each bit of new
I want to forget I'm human
I want to forget what I look like, my name, all I've done
I want to dissolve into oneness
dissipate into the whole...
That's how I feel when I see pictures like this:
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