The Responsibility of Sensitivity

I posted the first part of this on social media, but was working on a much larger version here. It's finally done. Here you go. 

It took me years to understand my sensitivity was my language on this earth, and that there would be no stamping out my essence. It took decades to learn it was my superpower.

I get to experience this world with vibrancy. With a bottomless heart, so full of love to give that it feels too big for my body most days.

My superpower means that I say yes more than no, I am not afraid to swing big, to miss, to burn it down, and to try again. I only know limitless, and I want to feel it ALL.

It means full out, head first, and there is no room for lukewarm or half-hearted anything.

It means I am okay with jumping first.

It means I am brave as hell.

It means I am the softest warrior you'll ever meet.

And it means in this life, I'll never be half-alive.


* * * * * *

I remember reading a quote years ago that said, "If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." I remember thinking how terrible that sounded. Only recently have I begun to understand what those words mean, and how beautiful a concept it actually is. Now I hear it and think of my sensitivity, and when I think of my sensitivity these days, a new layer to my understanding of it is emerging. One that has a few themes, like patience, and limitations, but is truly about responsibility.

The responsibility and ownership of highly sensitive feelings.

I think back on many times throughout my life where I was left waiting for a pice of the puzzle to slide into place. You see, I love hard, I make my mind up quick, and am prone to tunnel vision.

This means, when I'm in, I am in. I want what I want, and I love you/it to the bones.

This means I've often been left waiting for the other party to join me in the jump. This applies to everything from a romantic partner, to an RSVP for an event, to a career endeavor. And I am not a naturally patient person.

This means, I've spent a lot of time in my life feeling like someone else held the cards. As I'd wait for them to make up their mind, or what felt like to "choose me", I've often feel helpless, swimming in a sea of giant feelings. I've asked myself why my fate often feels in the hands of the other party, and why this theme had recurred through my life.

Only recently have I had a revelation about this, and that is the one of responsibility.

I am built to know my heart.
I am built to jump quick.
I am not afraid to feel intensely.
This makes me brave. 
It's unfair to grant someone power over me.
Nobody gets to govern me, but me.

Maybe I want, love, and long at a higher frequency than most, but nobody asked to be the captain of my ship, and if I turn myself over to someone / something beyond my control who never asked for it, that's unfair. That's a pressure they've never asked for, and most likely are unaware of.

My responsibility for my sensitivity boils down to this: fully owning the depths at which I swim, and going there willingly, unharnessed, regardless of what the other side should ever choose.

Here I am. 

I vibrate intensely, deeply, fully, and you can swim here with me -
should you choose to.

I will never be afraid. I will risk. I'm okay with jumping first.
I'd rather try and not get what I desire than never know.
I'd go to the ends of the earth, right now, today, easily, for my heart.

And, "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."
No regrets on offering up my lovely bones, entire.
I'm okay with loving more.

Always.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.