Shift happens

SHIFT.

For me it happened slowly...then all at once.


In four months time:
Life as I knew it changed completely. 
I underwent the most radical inward journey.
My thinking rewired. 
I ended up in a place I didn't think I'd get to for years. 


In four months time I deeply grasped:
People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves.
I am responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. 
Hurt people hurt people.
I am responsible for my own happiness. 
It costs nothing to be kind.

My biggest takeaway from the above, is that I AM OKAY. Not only am I okay, but I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OKAY. I will ALWAYS BE OKAY. And NOBODY CAN EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. Let me explain. I recently delved into what MY responsibility was in various situations, and relationships from past. I've been digging through the why's. Why I've chosen the romantic partners that I have over the years of my life, the friendships, why I've experienced certain situations as hardships. What was I believing to be true about both these trials, and various connections that kept me there? What was I believing to be true that sent me away? That made me sad? That made me mad? I looked at blame. If I blamed anyone through the years for letting me down, for breaking my heart, for ruining my life, for diminishing my sense of self, for disappointing me, I started to examine. I was a part of the experience. I brought something to it. My energy. Myself. My time. Me. When I look at me, what could I take responsibility for?

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a Byron Katie workshop. I was introduced to her teachings, The Work years ago by one of my best friends. I thought I grasped the concept, and I did...simply. The in-person crashed course CHANGED MY LIFE. I do not say that lightly. I will NEVER be the same. In the smallest nutshell, The Work boiled down asks 4 questions. When we're in distress, having anxiety, sadness, surrounding a disturbing thought, you ask: 1.) Is it true? 2.) Can I absolutely know that it's true? 3.) How do you react -what happens- when you believe that thought? 4.) Who would you be without that thought?

Through meditation on stressful situations, and inquiry of the thoughts we are believing to be true, we can begin to break it down and see things as they really are.

I am who you believe me to be. 
No person has ever hurt another. 

We are believers. It's innocent. A trick of the mind. It's impossible to change your mind from what you are believing in that moment when you're in the throes. But everything ends, and then you can begin to question. You place yourself back in that stressful situation. You may be surprised at what you find. What you're believing to be true you still may find is true for you. You may find it is not true for you. When you examine who you are without that thought about the situation, or person, you see them in your minds-eye completely differently. They may not look malicious, or cruel, or arrogant. They may in fact look scared, confused, hurt.

There is SO much more to it, and a process of turning what you have believed to be true about another back onto yourself, and an examination of your role. For example, you say of someone: "they're a coward". You say, "I'm a coward." You then find ways this is true of yourself in that situation.

Through this, I've realized many of my romantic attachments in the past were based out of my own fear. Fear time was running out. Fear there was no one better suited for me. Fear options were slim.

Fear I couldn't do better. 

Lifelong issues have rushed to the surface, and I can pinpoint and articulate them for once. There are old "truths" for me to now confront:

That I need a man to be happy. 
That I can't take care of myself financially without a man's help. 
That if a relationship is easy, something must be wrong. 
That romance is tragic. 
That there must be struggle. 

Romantic relationships have been a glaring want/need/priority through my life, as long as I can remember. Maybe because I never saw my parents in one. I can't imagine what it would have been like to see parents kiss, sleep in the same bed, go on a date, or say I love you. I wanted what I never had, desperately. I also feared I wouldn't have it. I feared divorce. Never, ever was I going to get a divorce. Well, I've got two (drastically different) divorces under my belt, and surprisingly, I am okay. I fully do accept my life. It's mine. It's what happened, it's all in, it's made me me.

No person has ever made me do anything! I have left when I thought I should leave. No one pushed me away. I have stayed when I thought I should stay. I could have walked out the door at any time.

I have wrongly and selfishly loved versions of men I've been with other than the version that was right in front of me. I've loved past versions, and future versions. Because of this, I've poked and prodded and wished for them to be things they are not, and I have experienced being poked and prodded and wished to be what I am not.

You can't teach a cat to bark. Some people spend a lifetime trying, and at the end of their lives the cat looks at them and says...meow.

Of her now husband, BK says, "he can't move me. I'll keep going with or without him." Imagine this said in the most loving, and grounded way. It makes all the sense in the world, right?! Why should anyone want anything less of me? Why should I want anything less of the partner I love?

But we blame each other for not living up to our visions. How could we? How could someone live up to my vision? It's MY vision! How could I live up to their vision? It's THEIR vision! Blame. The blamers, BK says are the most important people in our lives. They are the ones who wake us up. Those who agree with us don't teach us anything. We become the people we don't like. We ARE them. We see ourselves in others, and we become self-righteous. Advice you give to others is always advice for yourself.

I (you) am the problem. If I am the problem, I can take care of it. It's JUST ME. It's user-friendly. Everything that happens is FOR me (you).

BK said, "The more work you do, the more you fall in love with a beautiful mind. The clearer you get, you'll fall in love with a beautiful mind. It's a match. Like you thought [previous relationships] were a match. It shows you the distance you have to travel." This was one of the most comforting takeaways. No relationship yet has been it. The end all, be all. I have so far to travel! I am only at the beginning. I am aware of the gap of what I've experienced, and what is yet to be. The gap is vast, the growth has begun, and the end result can be nothing other than the truth. HOW. EXCITING. IS. THAT?!

Learning and beginning to practice this new way of thinking brings this image to mind:

I undserand far deeper than ever before how much we trip ourselves up. WE do that. By what we think, and believe to be true. I have literally not been able to walk out of a door before because of what I believed?! I have been this horse?! Amazing. I have felt a new lightness, a new compassion.


Learning that I am okay has been nothing short of transformative...
I had the power all along...



The best BK bit was this. "You've just been told a bomb will go off in 30 seconds and will end the world. Despite what you are thinking and believing...are you okay? [PAUSE] Yes. Now 15 seconds. Despite what you are thinking and believing...are you okay? [PAUSE] Yes. But the minute you start focusing, thinking, and believing the scary or terrible thoughts upon hearing that news...you've already blown up your world."

Lightbulb, on. I get it.





A few more nuggets:
-There is no hell so dark you can't go in and clear it all up. 
-Love is the power. (Love by our own definition)
-There is no one not worth listening to. You can always walk away. Do you walk away with anger or peace? 
-If you didn't compare yourself with anything else in the world, aren't you perfect?
-It's just an experience. It doesn't mean you ever need to experience it again. 



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How others see you. It's not what you think!

I think from time to time about the discrepancies between the way we experience ourselves (as only we can) and the way others must view us.  How different an answer we'd get if we were to ask those that know us to varying degrees, to tell us what they see.

I guessed that if I were to ask my social media friends and followers for a word or two to describe me, or give me their impression of me, it would be very different from what I would say about myself. What would strike someone instantly upon meeting me, or spending time with me? Would most people give a superficial answer? Who sees deeper?

I was right that the answers were different than what I expected.  I was shocked to end up with a giant list of words (full list below).  What a variety! It was incredible to see what words I got multiples of.  To see what those multiples were.  Coming in at the top with four each were: Driven, Inspiring,  Lovely, Talented.  In second place with three each were: Ambitious, Beautiful, Effervescent, Funny, Hilarious, Kind, Loving, Magical, Unicorn. 

It's also an interesting experiment to see if we come across to others the way we think we do or hope we might.  Of those top thirteen words above, guess how many would have been on my own list, were I the one making it? Four.  Only four of them.  One of the words in the top thirteen, I'm not sure I've ever really even liked.  I appreciate everyone who took the time to comment, so I chose not to use names, or specify words.

As for my feelings on the master list, they are mixed.  Let me start off by saying it's good.  It's wonderful, really.  To have this incredible reference of uplifting words from others.  It's mind blowing. But there are definitely a couple of words that make me cringe.  Make me wonder where in the world someone would come up with that! Words that don't ring true to me.  Others surprise me.  Some take my breath away.  Some make me feel as though I could never live up to what people in my world seem to think I am.

In the end, most aren't what I would have chosen.  One of my top three words I'd use for myself doesn't even appear anywhere on the list! But boy, I'd never be able to come up with a list anywhere near this long.  It's unbelievable.

I was nervous to ask.  The only way to do the experiment was to be a the guinea pig.  I felt vulnerable and was afraid of coming off as narcissistic.  "Tell me what you think of me!" So I didn't specify.  I didn't ask for positive comments only.  But I didn't get a mean one.  Not really.  It's all there, I left nothing out.

I walk away having learned a lot from this experiment.:

~Others definitely do see you differently than you see yourself.
~They might even see more in you than you can.
~You realize your shortcomings much more than those around you.
~People are generally kinder and more observant than you might expect.
~I placed unfair limits on what the outcome would be, expecting superficial answers.
~I was blown away by how deep and descriptive everyone was. (There were less labels, more description.)
~Maybe I am more than the handful of words I would have picked for myself.
~We are all more beautiful and powerful than we think we are.
~We all impact, effect, and inspire each other.
~Tell each other the good.  We all need to hear it.  If we don't how we will ever know?

For all of the surprises that came from this, one thing was solidified that means everything.  To me, the biggest compliment of all is when someone tells me I've inspired them.  It's the biggest compliment I can ever give to another person.  It's the essential essence of life.  Inspiration.  To have that word listed in the very top…wow.  It's what I would hope for.  It's what I strive for.  I thank you.  Deeply.

What a humbling, learning experience!

Thank you, everyone who participated.  You helped me learn a little more about myself, and others.  

So now, I dare you to try it! Let yourself be surprised! Mull it over.  Who are you? Who are you to others? Most importantly, what does it teach you?

Thank you for reading and participating, let me know how your experiment goes!



(I was going to alphabetize, but I got lazy)

Amazing
Alluring
Astonishing
Audacious
Ambitious (3)
A wholly brilliant person
Accepting
Adorable
A positive energy to be in touch with the universe
Beautiful (3)
Brave
Bold (2)
Bratz Doll
Celestial
Classy (2)
Clandestine
Caring
Compassionate (2)
Critical Thinker
Confident
Curious (2)
Determined (2)
Delightful
Driven (4)
Dynamic
Dream Manifesto
Disco
Enchanting
Enthusiastic
Endearing
Effervescent (3)
Encouraging
Energetic (2)
Express
Enterprising
Earnest
Funny (3)
Fun (2)
Fierce (2)
Fabulous
Free Spirited
Genuine (2)
Grounded
Gracious
Got it all
Happy
Hilarious (3)
Hopeful
Helpful
Inspiring (4)
Irrepressible
Inner Beauty Shines Out
Intelligent
Jubilantly Bohemian
Kindhearted
Kind (3)
Luminous
Lovely (4)
Lover of Animals
Loyal (2)
Loving (3)
Lola
Magical (3)
Multi-Talented (2)
Nicer than I heard
Optimist

One of Us

Poised
Positive
Prettier than initially thought (inside, not outside only)
Professional (2)
Present. You seen to live in the moment & seize opportunities - whether they be to laugh or cry or admire or perform.

Quirky

Regal

Refreshing

Ray of Sunshine

Really Pretty Skin

Seeker

Smiley

Sweet

Self-Expressed
Sincere
Smart
Sparkly
Stunning
Talented (4)
Talented in so many areas it's disgusting

Timeless
Thoughtful
Tenacious
Ubiquitous
Unicorn (3)
Uplifting
Vibrant
Vivacious
Witty
Whimsical
Witty
Wow, she sparkles



Thank you for reading,

xo


Deena Marie

Wanting the impossible.

I've been thinking about "the impossibilities of judging another" for nearly 24 hours now.  It started with a comment I made on a Facebook post that got my thoughts swirling and my words forming, and now here I am.  With something much bigger than I originally intended to post.

Over the course of life you learn to never say never.  I can't stress how important this mantra has become to me.  And crucial.  Over time, you will find yourself in situations you never in a million years thought you'd be in, or could have ever planned for.  Planning, in fact, is a large part of the problem.  Planning is a trick and often has the reverse effect of what the intentions behind it are.  If you make a plan from which you tell yourself you cannot waver, any unexpected event or roadblock will only cause you grief.

Plans can of course be good.  It means you have an idea of what you want and what you're interested in.  That is, if it's your plan and not someone else's plan for you.  It means you're tuning in.  You're following your instincts and following your heart.

But the most important things of all when planning, are flexibility and adaptability.  That's the secret.  All the things you tell yourself when you're a teenager and in your early twenties (when you are one hundred and fifty percent sure of who you are, what you stand for, and all you'll ever want to be) only belong to a version of you.

You know the time you wait for (that you know one day will magically come) when you're finally a grown up, and you'll know how to be an adult? And what to do, and how to do it just like you see your parents do? It never comes.

It's all one big experiment up until our physical body expires.  An experiment for you, your parents, for anyone you've ever known or will know.

We're all making it up as we go along and doing our best for what is right for the version we are at any given moment in time.

As you grow and gather along the way all the unexpected, transformative, huge, and traumatic experiences that add to the sum of who you are, you realize just how impossible (and not only impossible but completely nonsensical) it is to ever judge another.

See, we never know what we're capable of until we're forced with the thing we swore we'd never have to do, or the situation we knew could never happen to us.

There's that word again.  Never.  Never say never.

If, or more importantly when, these lessons arise, be gentle with yourself.  Forgive.  It will wound you but it doesn't have to ruin you.  It feels for awhile like a betrayal to who we thought we were or who we wanted to be, finding ourselves in that spot that happen to other people but never to us.

Acceptance is crucial.  Accept simply that "we don't know what it is we don't know."  And that the same is true for any human, at any moment.  There is only sympathy.  There is only compassion.  The more you surprise yourself, survive, and age, the clearer this becomes.  That to judge another is impossible.  Everything you know to be true right now, can one day change by events in life that you'd never see coming.

You would want sympathy and understanding, and you certainly wouldn't want to be judged when it's you.  Why wouldn't everyone else want and deserve it, too?

Lately, when I see judgements passed it makes me sad.  A dull, deep, sadness.  I'm not sure why now, or why so sad.

Judging yourself or others is so small.  So incredibly small.  It comes from a small mind, a small world view, a small life, and keeps it small.  I do realize that judgement comes from a place of simply not knowing.  There should be compassion for that concept alone, and I'm trying.  But it hurts.  I'm not even talking about or being spurred on from any recent personal experience.  Just from observation.

Maybe it's because more than ever I am aware and understand that every fiber in me craves the opposite.  I choose big.  I want the biggest mind I'm capable of.  The biggest life with every possible experience.  The answers and opportunities to explore from getting the knowledge I'm seeking.  It's on full force within me.  The volume is up.

I've also been slowly but surely trying to wrap my head around and notice that our thoughts have everything to do with our happiness.  Our reality and how we perceive and experience the world.  Judging is negative.  Even if you don't realize it, the negative energy adds up.  Not only do others sense the negativity and instinctually avoid you, but it drains you.  And you aren't as happy.

The question I  keep coming back to when thinking about this is, "how can you judge what you don't know?" You don't know the decisions someone has had to make that they never wanted to, or planned on.  How can you tell anyone outside of yourself what is right? Or wrong?

It's like the Carl Sagan quote, "If you want to make apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."  For someone to explain "why" they are the way they are to someone judging them for it, they would have to start with the moment of birth, and then every experience they've ever had, and the impact of every person they've ever encountered so you could understand what has shaped them into who they are up until that point.  But actually, then you'd need to go further back.  You'd have to explore the lives of the parents that birthed them.  Then their parents, and their lives, and their parents, their lives, and so on.

But here's the other thing.  No explanation is necessary.  To anyone outside of yourself.

You are enough.  You do what you can, with what you have, where you are, today.

If more people understood that, there would be more sympathy and less judgement.  Sure we all believe what we believe is right.  We may even think we need to spread messages to sway other people in to our beliefs or lifestyles.  But I'd like to suggest another way.  I think there's simply the way of sharing what we know.  I've said it a million times, we are each others teachers.  It's crucial.  What if instead of  preaching what we know is right or true, we just gave? What if we just share who we are, who we've been, and who we're becoming, and let others interpret and take from it what they will? And what if this sharing of the self came from a only a place of love? Of compassion? Of expecting nothing in return? Of a judgement free place.

What I realize is I am seeking the people who are big.  In mind, in heart, and in life.  The teachers.  The lifters.  The inspirations.  I want to surround myself with those who have the most knowledge.  The biggest minds.  The most open of hearts.

Those who will help me in spreading compassion.

There is only compassion.
There is only love.

Compassion and love bring unity.

We are all one.



Thanks for reading


My life in pictures: http://instagram.com/deena_marie/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheDeenaShow
Video: http://www.youtube.com/beanerlarue

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