I don't have to hide it.

Constantly processing my sensitivity, 
never able to categorize it as a blessing or a curse.

~ Insatiable ~

I am an insatiable person. As in:

(definitions)
Impossible to satisfy.
Incapable of being satisfied.
Voracious, wanting.
Not satiable.
Someone who is insatiable can never be full.
It can be used for spiritual as well as physical desires.

In what ways, you ask? In romantic relationships, mainly. It takes a lot to be my partner. In every relationship I've ever been in, I've known I've required a lot from my partner.  While each of them (and there have been four long term) were very different, there are always similarities with what I ask and what I need. This isn't necessarily new information for myself, but it's become clearer. I don't apologize for being me. I apologize if I've hurt you because of how I am. I always want to grow and be a better version of myself. I am aware I can be demanding and draining.

I love love. I love experiencing the kind of romantic love I'm finally experiencing. I am so in love with this love, there can never be enough of it to fill me. "Someone who is insatiable can never be full." Even when I have it, when I have someone who worships me it's never enough. When I have someone who loves me, I want to feel it more. I want to hear it, see it, breathe it, live it, tenfold every second of every day. I want it proven to me moment after moment. Even though I am a wife, it is not done. It is just beginning. It will never be done. More, more, more.

I am how I am, yet I am adaptable. I've experienced changes within me time and time again. I don't believe anyone is set in their ways. To say that and leave it at that is lazy, a cop out. It just takes work. It just takes experience, knowledge, perspective, an opening of the heart and mind.

To those of you who have been my partners, be it years or months, you have been warriors. You didn't know you were coming up against me, loving someone who will never have enough. Some of you battled longer and harder than others. But you were all brave, and all (mostly) gave a valiant effort. Some ran away from it. I was too much. They couldn't do it. Some I left behind. Drained, depleted. Done. For that I apologize. I know loving me is…the way it is. It takes someone special to stick with me. To be the man who will not waver. Who will not run. And even then, when I have you completely, I will push you.

So here we are now. Love of my life. And I find I still want more of you. I want you to give me all of you, in every moment. More, more, more. Yet I know I can't consume you, entire. You must have something for yourself. You must not let me drain you. How do I find a way to satiate myself in this love? How do I let myself rest, and breathe, and accept it? You are it though. Boy, are you it.

You are also the only one who ever pushed me back.  

I have so much love in me. I have so much to give. That's something I've recently learned. How lucky am I? To be made with such a heart. To have the capacity to love someone so fully and then some. The issue is, I need it back.

And then some.
And then some.
And then some.

Even when I have it, it's not enough.

The most insatiable girl in the world, me.


Thanks for reading,

Deena

How others see you. It's not what you think!

I think from time to time about the discrepancies between the way we experience ourselves (as only we can) and the way others must view us.  How different an answer we'd get if we were to ask those that know us to varying degrees, to tell us what they see.

I guessed that if I were to ask my social media friends and followers for a word or two to describe me, or give me their impression of me, it would be very different from what I would say about myself. What would strike someone instantly upon meeting me, or spending time with me? Would most people give a superficial answer? Who sees deeper?

I was right that the answers were different than what I expected.  I was shocked to end up with a giant list of words (full list below).  What a variety! It was incredible to see what words I got multiples of.  To see what those multiples were.  Coming in at the top with four each were: Driven, Inspiring,  Lovely, Talented.  In second place with three each were: Ambitious, Beautiful, Effervescent, Funny, Hilarious, Kind, Loving, Magical, Unicorn. 

It's also an interesting experiment to see if we come across to others the way we think we do or hope we might.  Of those top thirteen words above, guess how many would have been on my own list, were I the one making it? Four.  Only four of them.  One of the words in the top thirteen, I'm not sure I've ever really even liked.  I appreciate everyone who took the time to comment, so I chose not to use names, or specify words.

As for my feelings on the master list, they are mixed.  Let me start off by saying it's good.  It's wonderful, really.  To have this incredible reference of uplifting words from others.  It's mind blowing. But there are definitely a couple of words that make me cringe.  Make me wonder where in the world someone would come up with that! Words that don't ring true to me.  Others surprise me.  Some take my breath away.  Some make me feel as though I could never live up to what people in my world seem to think I am.

In the end, most aren't what I would have chosen.  One of my top three words I'd use for myself doesn't even appear anywhere on the list! But boy, I'd never be able to come up with a list anywhere near this long.  It's unbelievable.

I was nervous to ask.  The only way to do the experiment was to be a the guinea pig.  I felt vulnerable and was afraid of coming off as narcissistic.  "Tell me what you think of me!" So I didn't specify.  I didn't ask for positive comments only.  But I didn't get a mean one.  Not really.  It's all there, I left nothing out.

I walk away having learned a lot from this experiment.:

~Others definitely do see you differently than you see yourself.
~They might even see more in you than you can.
~You realize your shortcomings much more than those around you.
~People are generally kinder and more observant than you might expect.
~I placed unfair limits on what the outcome would be, expecting superficial answers.
~I was blown away by how deep and descriptive everyone was. (There were less labels, more description.)
~Maybe I am more than the handful of words I would have picked for myself.
~We are all more beautiful and powerful than we think we are.
~We all impact, effect, and inspire each other.
~Tell each other the good.  We all need to hear it.  If we don't how we will ever know?

For all of the surprises that came from this, one thing was solidified that means everything.  To me, the biggest compliment of all is when someone tells me I've inspired them.  It's the biggest compliment I can ever give to another person.  It's the essential essence of life.  Inspiration.  To have that word listed in the very top…wow.  It's what I would hope for.  It's what I strive for.  I thank you.  Deeply.

What a humbling, learning experience!

Thank you, everyone who participated.  You helped me learn a little more about myself, and others.  

So now, I dare you to try it! Let yourself be surprised! Mull it over.  Who are you? Who are you to others? Most importantly, what does it teach you?

Thank you for reading and participating, let me know how your experiment goes!



(I was going to alphabetize, but I got lazy)

Amazing
Alluring
Astonishing
Audacious
Ambitious (3)
A wholly brilliant person
Accepting
Adorable
A positive energy to be in touch with the universe
Beautiful (3)
Brave
Bold (2)
Bratz Doll
Celestial
Classy (2)
Clandestine
Caring
Compassionate (2)
Critical Thinker
Confident
Curious (2)
Determined (2)
Delightful
Driven (4)
Dynamic
Dream Manifesto
Disco
Enchanting
Enthusiastic
Endearing
Effervescent (3)
Encouraging
Energetic (2)
Express
Enterprising
Earnest
Funny (3)
Fun (2)
Fierce (2)
Fabulous
Free Spirited
Genuine (2)
Grounded
Gracious
Got it all
Happy
Hilarious (3)
Hopeful
Helpful
Inspiring (4)
Irrepressible
Inner Beauty Shines Out
Intelligent
Jubilantly Bohemian
Kindhearted
Kind (3)
Luminous
Lovely (4)
Lover of Animals
Loyal (2)
Loving (3)
Lola
Magical (3)
Multi-Talented (2)
Nicer than I heard
Optimist

One of Us

Poised
Positive
Prettier than initially thought (inside, not outside only)
Professional (2)
Present. You seen to live in the moment & seize opportunities - whether they be to laugh or cry or admire or perform.

Quirky

Regal

Refreshing

Ray of Sunshine

Really Pretty Skin

Seeker

Smiley

Sweet

Self-Expressed
Sincere
Smart
Sparkly
Stunning
Talented (4)
Talented in so many areas it's disgusting

Timeless
Thoughtful
Tenacious
Ubiquitous
Unicorn (3)
Uplifting
Vibrant
Vivacious
Witty
Whimsical
Witty
Wow, she sparkles



Thank you for reading,

xo


Deena Marie

| TOXIC | I tie no weights to my ankles

I woke up sick on February 1st.  I've stayed sick.  I've been sick for every day of February 2015 so far. Today is the 10th, and while that might not seem like much, ten days is an eternity when you feel as lousy as I do.

I haven't been this sick for this long in years.  It's been really strange.  It feels deliberate.  It feels like a culmination of things.  Everything in me feels toxic from my thoughts to my overall well being.  Like this happened to shake me up and show me something.

When you are rendered more or less immobile, when parts of you that you need to function are shut down, there is little you can do.  Everything is taken away from you.  You are left to focus on the essentials.

The first essential realization: You have NOTHING without your health.  When you feel that bad, you are ready to give up anything and everything just to feel well again.  Nothing matters.  Take my material possessions, take my arm, take it all! Just let me go back to normal.  I'll do anything for my ear to heal.  To hear again, for the pressure in my head to go.  For the deafening silence to stop.  I feel like I'm on the verge of crazy.  To not be exhausted from a day of doing nothing.  To stop coughing.  For my throat to stop hurting.  I don't want to be dizzy anymore.

I can't concentrate.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know if I want to write, or read, or sleep, or watch tv to drown it all out.  I'm just trying not to cry so I don't add to the stuffiness in my head.

No appetite.  Unable to taste.  I just looked in the mirror and gasped at my concave stomach and jutting ribs.  I even took a picture.  Woah.

It mentally wears on you that another day has passed and you are still home, in your pajamas.  I tried a couple of errands and outings the first week, but paid the price when I took a turn for the worse after.  So there you are.  Trapped.  The sun is shining, but you aren't well enough to be out in it and that's depressing.  Then it drizzles the next day, and while you feel better about being stuck indoors, the gray skies are depressing.

Depressing.  Everything is getting really, really depressing.

And every day is groundhog day.

Now let's talk about the fact that my profession is acting.  My fellow actors and theatre people will understand this.  When you are attached to a project, it is everything.  It is what your world revolves around.  The thought of not being able to do your job, to perform, is not only out of the question, but unbearable.  You show up.  You push through.  I've already had to cancel a photo shoot, and an on camera shoot.  If I didn't feel this bad, I'd be in a state of panic over it.

So what do I do? I'm not giving up.  I'm not giving in.  I'm trying to mentally and emotionally let myself chill out.  As much as I can.  I'm not good at it.  I'm trying not to force myself.  I have time.  I'm memorized.  I'm okay.  I will heal in time.  I'm okay.  I can't make myself better if I put pressure on myself, give myself a time limit.

The second essential realization: If I don't put my well being at the top of the list, everything else flounders.  Nothing can come before that at the moment.  No wonder they tell you on a plane to put your gas mask on before helping those next to you.  I get it.

Back to the beginning of the post.  Everything in me feels toxic at the moment.  I'm a vessel of poison that needs to be cleared out.  I feel like every bit of me needs an overhaul.  I've got to get the poison out.  Where do I start? What is this? What is it trying to tell me?

The third essential realization: The lessons the universe is constantly trying to teach me are the same.  I have not yet grasped them.  I am stuck in old habits, no matter how evolved I've become on my personal spiritual journey over the last four years.   PATIENCE.  SURRENDER.  ACCEPT.  ALLOW.  BE IN THIS MOMENT.  Don't create problems from nothing.  Don't create things that aren't there.  Don't dig for issues that don't exist.  Don't self sabotage.  Don't add to the poison.  It's okay to be happy.  It's okay to not have drama in your life.  Don't create it.  In fact, it's natural to exist in love and happiness.  Don't be so focused on others, on what other people think of you.  Stop worrying about how they judge.  Start letting go.  Let go.  Let go, Let go.  "You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go.  Let go them.  I tie no weights to my ankles."

The fourth essential realization: I've been through so much more than I ever could have imagined, or saw coming in recent years.  I've said it before and I guess I still need to say it again.  Maybe I need to run through the streets one day screaming it at the top of my lungs until it's finally out of me, I am surprised I survived 2012.  And while big and positive shifts started in early 2013, there were still hardships.  And guess what? I'm not over it.  Maybe I'll never be over it.  Maybe now I'm mad at it.  I've been left what feels like an impossibly fragile person.  I'm not done rebuilding.  I'm not done finding new strength.  I'm not what I once was.  I may never be.  I've been damaged in the process of surviving nearly insurmountable heart break and loss.  I've felt glimpses of that summer of sad again, and I never thought that would happen.  While new players have entered the scene and helped heal me, help me create my new life, I think I'm still in between whoever I am now and letting that girl I was go.  Let go, let go.  How do I let go when I'm sad over it, mad at it, and want to scream and scream until it's out?

It's okay to be something new.  It's okay if I never know that kind of fire and armor again.  It's okay to be inside out more days than not.  It's okay to feel it all, to the core, deep, deep, every time.  It's just who I've become.  Someone still trying to…heal.  Someone still trying to believe myself when I say "it's okay."

And hope that right now that the reason everything feels like it's whittling down, whittling away, is so that after, I will finally get to bloom.



Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Feed your sweetheart!

Last week, I was invited to a fun event at Oakwood Homes in Murray.  See these super tall fellas? They are Jake and Aaron, chefs at Whole Foods in Park City.  They gave a bunch of us bloggers a cooking lesson and fed us! They sent us home with recipes and I thought I'd give them to you, just in time for Valentines Day so you can whip up a yummy for your Valentine.  Or tell your sweetheart to get in the kitchen and make it for you! There's a little something for everyone below, as well as pictures of each dish.  You're welcome!

Sweetheart Steak
1.5 - 2 lb boneless rib-eye steak
Salt & Pepper
Olive oil
Butterfly your rib-eye steak folding open to look like a heart
Brush olive oil on both sides
Season w/salt & pepper
Place on hot grill or in hot pan
Mark or sear both sides
Cook until desired temp

Garlic Herb Fingerling Potatoes
2lbs fingerling potatoes
Olive Oil
Rosemary
Basil
Garlic
Salt & Pepper
Wash potatoes & cut up larger ones
Place in bowl & toss in olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic, & fresh herbs
Place on cooking sheet pan & place in 350 oven for 25-35 min or until tender

Pork Chop w/Apple Chutney
Two 6-8 oz bone in pork chops
Olive oil
salt & pepper
2 apples
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 apple cider vinegar
Brush pork with olive oil and season with salt & pepper
Place on hot grill or in hot pan & mark or sear both sides
Cook until desired temp
Dice apples & put into sauté pan with olive oil
Once apples start to cook add sugar & cook until sugar is dissolved & forms a sauce
When apples start to caramelize deglaze pan with vinegar
Cook until apples are desired softness

Truffle Mashed Potatoes
4-5 lbs peeled potatoes
Butter
Heavy Cream
Salt
White pepper
Truffle oil
Place potatoes in water & bring to boil in salted water
Cook until fork tender
Melt butter and add butter and heavy cream to potatoes
Using potato masher or mixer whip potatoes until desired texture
Season with salt & pepper to taste
Fold in truffle oil to desired taste

Crab Cakes
1 lb crab meat
Yellow pepper
Red pepper
Red onion
Garlic
Olive oil
Apple wine vinegar
Salt & pepper
Tarter sauce / mayo
Lemon juice
2 eggs
1 cup bread crumbs
Small dice your peppers and onion mince garlic
Heat up sauté pan with olive oil
Add peppers, onion, garlic
Sauté until onion is translucent & the garlic is fragrant
Deglaze pan with vinegar
Cook out vinegar and cool down mixture
Put crab into bowl and add eggs, bread crumbs, tartar sauce, lemon juice, cooled mixture
Hand mix everything until well blended
Let sit while mixtures sets up
Heat olive oil in pan and make mixture into cakes
Place cake in pan and cook until golden brown
Flip & cook other side until golden brown
Take out, put on plate, serve with cocktail sauce

Parmesan Tuiles with Heirloom Tomato Salad
Parmesan Cheese
Heirloom tomatoes
Red onion
Roasted bell peppers
Basil
Garlic

Thanks for reading! 

~Deena Marie~

I'm cheap! (The makeup post)

Sometimes I can't believe how expensive makeup is.  I love MAC foundation but I cringe each time I hand over my (nearly) forty bucks.  And makeup brushes? Don't get me started.  Over the last couple years I've found some pretty comparable products to the big name stuff for CHEAP.  I thought I'd let you in on my secrets.

Target brand eye makeup remover  | $4.59

I use this and a cotton ball to take off my eye makeup at night.  It is incredibly gentle and comes right off.  No tugging at your eye.  

ELF makeup brushes | $3

I've got a bunch of different brushes.  Multiples of some.  How can you not when each brush is only a couple of dollars? ELF is the best kept secret, I'm telling you.  And the quality is surprisingly awesome. They are durable.  I've never had a problem with brush hairs falling out and ending up all over my bathroom sink or on my face like I have with other cheap brushes.  

NYX lipgloss | $5 … NYX eyeshadow | $3 

I'm sure you've seen or heard of NYX by now.  I'm obsessed.  It's been just about the only gloss I've put on my lips for over a year now.  There are so many shades to choose from, too.  I like the pinks.  The color I'm ALWAYS wearing? Peaches & Cream. 

You'd think something so small would go quickly, right? Wrong! I've been using two vials of bronze NYX eye shadows regularly for over a year now, and I've got half left in each! What I love most about this loose shadow, is that the pigment is so strong.

Revlon Photo Ready Foundation | approx $10

When I just need to take a break from spending my pennies on my beloved MAC Mineralize, Revlon Photo Ready is next in line.  Flawless.  Just make sure you get this one and NOT the airbrush mousse! Eeek! The airbrush mousse is my least favorite foundation yet.  The way it comes out of the bottle (what a mess) the texture, and how transparent it is.  I apply my foundation with the ELF small stipple brush. I only use powder when I have to, for tv or over a small blemish.  

That's it! 

What do you want to know next?

Deena Marie

A snippet.

I am about fifteen.
I've recently met a boy.
He has blonde hair.
We have gone out a few times.
He has come to my house.
We have modeled together.  We have roller skated together.
One night, something happens.  Some sort of argument.
I couldn't tell you what it's about.
But, as quickly as we began, we are over.
I am on my way home, it's night.  A friend is dropping me off.
As we make the turn onto my street, the unexpected happens.
There, in my driveway, is his car.
The old white one with rust spots everywhere.
He's standing, leaning against the outside.
Peeking out from under that blonde hair.
We have a conversation and make amends.  Something about him not wanting to lose me, how he felt the first time he saw me when we modeled.
Some apology.

But.  Someone told me this.  I only remember him.  As in I remember who he was, his name, and what he looked like.  I remember the way he looked, leaning against the car, waiting for me.  Like something out of a movie.  I think I remember kisses one night on a dance floor.  And getting in trouble for it.  But as for the rest of it, the details, I'm at a loss.  I only know about this particular night because my grandparents told me.  You see, right above the driveway was their bedroom.  And they overheard it all.  Two fickle teenagers breaking up and making up.

Not so long ago when my Grandma told me the story, her face lit up and she laughed throughout.  She even quoted him.  "When I saw you, I knew you were special."  I'm sure both of my grandparents got a kick out of it.  I'm sure the two of them fell asleep with smiles on their faces that night.  I can picture it.  I can still smell their bedroom.  My beloved childhood home that has never stopped haunting my dreams.

I was struck by this the other day, out of nowhere.  Struck with the thought that the two of them seemed to know this memory of mine better than I do. And now, there is only one.  My Grandma.  One day she too will be gone, and nobody will know this anymore.  A witnessed memory.  A story about me.  The ones who could tell it best will no longer be.

How strange.  They are the possessors of this tiny slice of my life.  Maybe it seems so big because it's the only one I know of for certain.  The only memory like this truly belonging to someone else.  Something I should remember, but don't.  Perhaps there are others.  Other nights under the window.  Other boys. More stolen moments.  Maybe some take place outside the front door, next to my moms window.

What other snippets are out there, known better by another than by me?
And what happens if I don't remember?
And if they never tell me?

Two people know a memory of mine better than I do.  And now, there is only one.  My Grandma.  One day she too will be gone, and nobody will know this anymore.  


Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Skin Care Secrets!

Years ago when I was in the midst of terrible breakouts and rounds of accutane, if you would have told me a time was coming when people wanted to know my skin care tips I never would have believed you.  It was a long journey.  Actually, it still is.  It never ends.

You want to start by finding out what type of skin you have.  I took the lengthy quiz in The Skin Type Solution back in 2011.  I found out that the main issues for me were dryness and sensitivity.  This book is incredible.  It's detailed and filled with products ranging in price that fit your specific needs.  Imagine my surprise when I found out just about everything I had been using for breakouts and moisturizer up to that point were the exact opposites of the ingredients I needed! 

Only recently have I stepped up my game when it comes to products.  No more over the counter for me.  Now my conversations are with estheticians who can teach me more about what I need, and make recommendations.  

My daily routine consist of washing my face in the morning with dove sensitive skin soap.  Then I use GlyMed Plus, an AHA accelerator just before my face has become completely dry.  I need to catch it before my dryness kicks in and my both skin tightens up, and even wants to flake in some areas.  This product is all about cell turnover.  

When that's nearly dry, I lotion.  And lotion.  And lotion some more.  Not all at once, but maybe 2-3 times as I start my makeup.  I start with my eyebrows and eye makeup first, so I can do several all over applications.  My lotion of choice is one I discovered back when I read the Skin Type Solution and has been my favorite ever since.  Aveeno Ultra - Calming.  

Another item I love is the Tinkle Facial Razor.  Use this to remove the peach fuzz on your face whenever you feel you need to.  Silky smooth! 

My skin is far from perfect, and I have some pigment issues.  Easily covered up with base, but noticeable without.  I was using the SkinCeuticals Advanced Pigment Corrector for awhile, but I think I'm slightly too bad of a case for it to really do the job.  I have had a few laser treatments on one spot darker than the rest.  It's lightened up but it's still not gone.  I'll definitely need more laser on it down the road.  I have had a couple other options mentioned to me for pigment issues, and I'll look into those and report back down the road.  

At the end of the night I always wash my face.  Same soap, followed by the same lotion before bed.  

Last but not least, one of my very favorite options out there.  Injections.  Yup.  Botox.  Right before my wedding I decided to give it a try.  I went in and got the lines by my eyes, or crows feet, done.  Holy.  Cow.  I am serious when I tell you my only regret is that I didn't start this five years ago.  Ten years ago.  Now every three months, I get it done.  That means this week was my third time ever.  I went to Cynthia Clarke at The Body's Edge and she was different than what I'd experienced my two times before.  She made marks on the areas she was going to inject, and went further down as she injected, closer to under my eye then I'd had before.  This was something I'd been wondering about, and wanting.  She was so gentle.  Trust me, I hate needles.  And I never flinched or made a peep!

It took me so long to try botox because I thought it was for older people.  But it's preventative.  Can you imagine how perfect your skin would be if you started it before any lines started forming? Or in those areas that have always bothered you, but are purely genetic? You might have a line or two somewhere at 20, and maybe none until you are 45, skin is just different.  And genetics play a huge part.  And there's not just botox, but so many other kinds of injectables for various areas.  I am so excited about it.  I love it and I highly recommend Cynthia and The Body's Edge in Sandy, UT! While your there, get a facial or chemical peel with my personal skin guru and master esthetician Krista Quintana!

The difference - no crease at the corner of the eye!

So there you have it.  All my secrets! When I was in earlier this week I picked up a new product, Retinol Renewal by PCA Skin that I'm going to be starting soon when my AHA Accelerator runs out.  We've talked about alternating.  I'll let you know how it goes!

One last thing on my particular journey with keeping my skin clear, is the birth control pill really helped me maintain.  This fall, I unfortunately had to go off because it was causing migraines.  I have noticed a bit more breaking out.  I'm hoping it doesn't get too out of hand, and if it does, then I'll have to start experimenting.  I'll keep you posted. 

Hope this was helpful! Let me know if I can answer anything else on skin, products, or my makeup routine!

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie 

xo 

Why

With a childlike demeanor she asks the question why.
Every time, of everything.
She asks again, and then rephrases.
She will do so until she understands in only the way she can,
she will not stop asking why.
She cannot stop asking.
The thing inside will drive her mad if she does not ask.
It's a thirst, a desire, an obsession.
To know everything.  To constantly seek for truth.
To weed the make believe out of the story.
The need to know will overtake.
The excruciating need to understand.
Brain on fire, trying to make sense of it.
Of all of it, of what she is, and where she is, and why she is.
The only way she believes she'll ever know,
is to keep digging around her,
to keep prodding,
breaking,
clawing,
and to keep the why alive.

Above all else.

What is it that you desire above all else? 
What do you hold in the highest regard? 
What one thing do you choose to have, 
if you could only have one thing in life?

For me? Love.  A romantic love.  I've been searching for it for as far back as I can possibly remember.  I'd give it all up for love.  I have always kept close a list of my hearts desires, but one thing would always take the lead.  Love.  I often misplaced it.  I wanted it to be, so I would try my hardest to make it so.  I would "love" instantly.  I'm talking from the time I was barely a teenager.  Maybe younger.  With each one, the goal was to make him stay.  Make him love me.  Make him The One.  So, I forced it.  I labeled it at once and was instantly afraid of losing it.

Why? What did it mean?

I guess the second thing  I've always wanted above all else, is to be loved.  But to feel it from my beloved as truly as I could give it.

I'd never experienced the balance before.  I seemed to love harder, the ones who didn't love me.  I seemed to love less, the ones who loved me most.  But more often than not, I felt it was I who won the game of how much I could love someone without a return.

I have always been full of love.  I have so much in me to give, it runs out of room inside my frame, and soul.  If anything, it has hurt more often than not.

I guess the third thing I've always wanted above all else, is a balance of love.

I wanted love.  To love, to be loved, and the balance.

I'd finally resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't meant for me.  Just when I'd accepted defeat, I won.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I have days when I am terrified I could lose it.  It's just that I've waited so long.  I'd stopped thinking it was possible, let alone that I deserved it.  Sometimes I push and dig and prod and test.  Fear.  It's that thing called fear.

Just like each one that came before was not clung to from a true love, but from fear.

You see, it's just that when you've wanted something more than anything for your entire life, and finally get it, when the other half of your soul finds you and makes with you a whole love at last, when the greatest mirror of your life drops directly in front of you, deeply rooted, with no intention to run, well, it's a lot for a weary heart to take.


~ Deena Marie

These bones.

I came across this beautiful quote a few weeks back, and it's stuck with me.  It struck me as something I would have declared was exactly my life if I'd found it three years ago.  It no longer is, but still it stayed.  I've been mulling it over and finally realized, somewhat of the opposite is now true for me.

Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I've lived.

I touched on this a few posts ago.  How can I be this young and have already been so many people? Had so many lives?

How do we hold our bones together as each year layers on?


~ Deena Marie

The Dress You Marry the Love of Your Life In

How I chose my wedding dress.

The hardest decision for me when planning my wedding was the dress.  I was not the girl who grew up dreaming of what my wedding day would be, or what my dress would look like.  I did not have my mind set on a time of year or style, so when I went shopping for my dress I was completely overwhelmed! I loved just about every dress I tried on.  

I wasn't allowed to take pictures in many dresses, including some of my very favorites, but I did get a few of the first options.

The first image is the very first dress I tried on! I loved it.  I wondered if I'd found it right off the bat.  The third image nearly was the one, and was even on hold for me.  When I try something on, I see the entire outfit.  The hair, makeup, the accessories.  With this one, I would have gone with a Marilyn Monroe inspired hairstyle.  Curled, lots of volume.  No veil.  I loved how flattering the last one was, but for me, it was boring.  The second image wasn't quite it for me, but it was so comfortable.  I liked the idea of wearing something flowy all night, just for the comfort level.  Speaking of flowy, take a look at this one that I liked even better.  

But this one trumped all of the above, and ended up coming in third in my overall search (which took days and hours, by the way).  

I can't even tell you how much I still love this dress.  I saw this one without a veil, and with a big bright purple orchid in my hair.  But.  When the sales woman asked me if I felt like a bride, I automatically and instinctually said no.  

The more I tried on, the more I started to get it.  

If I loved so many, and they were all such different styles, it would have to come down to who I want to be on that day.  

As the search was wrapping up, only two contenders remained.  The dress I ended up getting, and one that I wasn't able to photograph.  Picture if you can, a strapless mermaid dress embellished with amazing beading and lace detail, and a bit of a train.  Incredibly fitted and flattering, and a shade of silver.  It was stunning.  It was sexy.  I was torn for awhile.  I imagined my wedding photos.  What did I want immortalized forever? It wasn't this one.  Sexy is easy.  I needed a dress I couldn't wear to any other event.  

Back we went to try on for a second time the ball gown I couldn't stop thinking about.  I needed something special.  Spectacular.  Classy, classic, and timeless.  I needed to be Grace Kelly for the day. I needed the dress that you marry the love of your life in.  

When I came out in it for a second time, and dozens of dresses later, I knew.  As I stood in front of the mirror, two women rushed over and asked if they could look.  They said they just had to see.  "It's so timeless! You look like Grace Kelly!" One said.  The deal was sealed.  It was magic.  

I tried on veils with it, but they were all short.  I knew this dress called for a long veil.  The line needed to continue, not be cut off in the middle with such a full skirt.  I searched until I found the right one, in the right shade of blush.  

The look I went for on my wedding day turned out to be perfection.  To me.  Because it was just what I wanted.  I chose my look wisely.  It was the dress worthy of marrying the love of my life.  

I can't even believe I got to wear (and get to own) something so beautiful. 

My advice for future brides would be to match the fabric to the season, and to find something flattering to your body type.  Think about the venue, and where the photos will be shot.  Envision it, and go with your instincts.  In the end, ask yourself who you want to be on that day, and you want immortalized forever. And last but not least, rules are made to be broken.  If you feel it's the one, you can't go wrong.

If you are shopping in SLC, the quality, selection, and experience at The Perfect Dress and it's sister store The Brides' Shop are unparalleled.  And believe me, I went everywhere!

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie 

Where are you going? Here are a few more for fun!

Whole Body Renewal!

It's 2015, all is new.  If you're like me, you're feeling change in the air.  You're feeling inspired and ready to make this year a great one.  Stepping up your game and ready to cultivate new healthy habits.  What better way to kick that off than with a reset? And what better way to reset than with a little help?

I'm about to embark on a two week body renewal cleanse on Monday, January 19th! I've never done anything like this before.  Wanna join me?

Check out the site for the details:
Milk & Honey Wellness: The Wellness Gypsies  

Let's do this! Oh, and guess what else?!

My followers have until January 16th to get $30 off the cleanse!
Just use the code: wholebodyblogger 

If you suffer from any of the following, it's definitely time for a cleanse:

• Excess weight
• Chronic pain
• Emotional eating
• Inflammation
• Gas
• Bloating
• Fatigue
• Low energ
• Cravings

• Constipation or irregularity
• Insomnia
• Acne
• Addictions
• Allergies
• Arthritis
• Headaches
• Dark circles under the eyes
• PMS

If you always do what you've always done...

...you'll always get what you've always got.

My mantra of the moment.  The foundation of my new year buzzwords I mentioned a couple of posts ago.  Passion, and create.

Let me elaborate.  

One thing I love about getting older, is learning to say no.  Not in general (as your answer for saying no must be better than your answer for saying yes to most situations), but when something doesn't align with your soul, you can decline the experience before it begins.  Be it a job, a relationship, an outing with friends.  More than ever this year, if it doesn't feel like a fit instantly and instinctually, I'm not going to give it my time.  

It also becomes easier to trust your instincts with each passing year, and as you learn this, it seems ludicrous to ever try something out you knew deep down was going to end in a no. 

I'm going to be a step ahead this year.  Decisions will be brave and bold.  At first glance, risky.  But I've learned each time that the universe is here to provide me with abundance when I make a choice that aligns with what is true for me.  Simple.  Why does this take years to learn?

As 2015 rang in, I couldn't help feel the most powerful energy! It was palpable, sweeping, and positive.  How to harness this? It was full of change.  I found myself wanting to put my bold moves into action.  I've felt certain things whisper to me over the years, but I fall back into the old habits eventually.  Nothing changes.  I've been longing for certain things, but they haven't manifested.  You know why? I'm not holding up my end of the bargain by being truthful about what I want, or how I'm spending my time.  Know what else?

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

There are things that I don't want anymore.  And I need space to make room for the things that I do.  The only requirement? Complete and total trust.  Unexpected circumstances left me with a clean slate just as 2014 was ending.  2015 is fresh and new.  That was no mistake.  My canvas sprawls before me to know create my truth, and only my truth. 

Okay, universe.  I hear you.  Please help me make my dreams come true.  I keep getting so close! I just need one more nudge and we're there. 

Symbols of creation are even showing up in my dreams.

So let's go.  

I'm yours.  Wish me luck. 

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

When to leave the one you love.

I came across this article yesterday, The only 8 times it's excusable to leave someone you truly love.   

The 8 conditions listed: 
You're unhappy and it's clearly because of the relationship
The good times are outweighed by the bad
You don't see yourself spending your life with your partner
You have lost trust in your partner
Your partner doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated
Your partner cheated on you
You fell in love with someone else
You're not capable of loving your parter the way your partner deserves to be loved.

I was about to repost, but couldn't formulate the sentence or two that would accompany why I was posting.  I realized I needed to think about it a little longer, and tackle it in a blog post instead.  When searching for the article online today, I found another.  10 Ways to Know It's Time to Leave Your Relationship. 

The 10 conditions listed:
Physical Abuse
Verbal/Emotional Abuse, Overly Controlling Behavior
Child Abuse
Financial Abuse
Substance Addictions
Affairs
Different Paths
Lack of Support for Being All You Can Be
Different Needs for Intimacy
One foot out the Door - Fear of Commitment

Before my now husband, I spent years in a relationship.  I'm still learning from the experience.  The why's.  Why I went into it, why I stayed in it, and why I got out of it.  I learned so much and while I want to protect my ex and and keep details private, there's a big part of me that wants to share what I learned in hope I might inspire another woman, or man to have courage to leave a situation that no longer serves them, or their partner.  Staying stuck serves neither, and until you are both free to find your truth, you are existing at half capacity.  When you are truly ready to believe that, when you are ready to set yourselves free, you'll see there was nothing to fear.  It's excruciating, yes.  But necessary.  And guess what? The weight lifts.  The healing happens.  Then comes truth and happiness.

In the first article, I was 4/8.  In the second, 5/10.  However, there is one more I'd like to add that wasn't on either list.  It won't be make or break for everyone, but for some it's reason enough to move on,  and hopefully to a partnership where you feel like an active participant.

You exist in their already established world and routine.

In the end I learned that I didn't need it easy.  I didn't need to move right into a world that was already set in many areas.  The home, the furniture, the decor, and the finances.  Instead, I needed to begin a journey on equal footing,  I wanted to create from the ground up alongside someone.  I wanted someone to budge a little more for me, and inspire me to budge a little more for them.  I wanted room to grow, and to grow together.  I wanted to stumble through it to find the us.

I said goodbye.  To forcing a fit.  To a dynamic that had become anything but a romantic relationship.  To material security.  To a house.  To a car.  To insurance.  To not having to pay for many of the bills.  I jumped.  I set myself free. I set him free, in the only way that I could.  I leapt into my truth and left him to do the same.

This is when it's excusable to leave someone you love.  When your inner voice starts whispering that little word, "go" that eventually turns to a shout, "GO!" It's telling you to go for a reason.  It's telling you that this isn't your fit.  If it's not your fit, how can it be theirs? If you are miserable, how can they not be? And if they don't know that you are, then they are not in tune with you.  And if they are not in tune with you, how much can this truly be the best fit for them?

Sometimes, setting someone free is the most loving thing you can do.

And sometimes, leaving the one you love is not only okay, but crucial.

You're free.  

No option other than to flourish.  

Go.


Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie