4.26.2020
I am happy today. I don't feel this way often. Let me explain.
I have always inherently understood that happiness is not sustainable. It's not a place we end, but a place we land...from time to time. That we each come earth-side with our natural dispositions, and while we can adjust, and be influenced to a point, our temperature seems to be set where it's set, and we inevitably come back to land there.
I remember reading a book in my 20's that finally explained what I'd always known, which was that there are a million other things to be, rather than "happy". That is not to say I never land in "happiness", but the feeling of happiness that comes full on, that lasts the majority of the day, the whole body all-encompassing feeling of joy, just doesn't hit often.
And this is not to say that if one does not experience joy, that they must be experiencing it's opposite, for I do not exist full time in sadness, but rather, am a mix of many things.
I default in: a bit of melancholia, wistfulness, nostalgia, wonder, curiosity, and my other things I lack the vocabulary for, that make up my inner storm.
But when days like this hit, where my body is light, where I dwell lightly in it, when I have a pep in my step, a twinkle in my eye, and a smile on my face, when I have landed for a moment in happy...those days feel so good.
And I think they are extra special, because they don't come often.
Like a holiday.
I appreciate it like a holiday...
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Apr 30, 2020
The Responsibility of Sensitivity
I posted the first part of this on social media, but was working on a much larger version here. It's finally done. Here you go.
It took me years to understand my sensitivity was my language on this earth, and that there would be no stamping out my essence. It took decades to learn it was my superpower.
I get to experience this world with vibrancy. With a bottomless heart, so full of love to give that it feels too big for my body most days.
My superpower means that I say yes more than no, I am not afraid to swing big, to miss, to burn it down, and to try again. I only know limitless, and I want to feel it ALL.
It means full out, head first, and there is no room for lukewarm or half-hearted anything.
It means I am okay with jumping first.
It means I am brave as hell.
It means I am the softest warrior you'll ever meet.
And it means in this life, I'll never be half-alive.
* * * * * *
I remember reading a quote years ago that said, "If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." I remember thinking how terrible that sounded. Only recently have I begun to understand what those words mean, and how beautiful a concept it actually is. Now I hear it and think of my sensitivity, and when I think of my sensitivity these days, a new layer to my understanding of it is emerging. One that has a few themes, like patience, and limitations, but is truly about responsibility.
The responsibility and ownership of highly sensitive feelings.
I think back on many times throughout my life where I was left waiting for a pice of the puzzle to slide into place. You see, I love hard, I make my mind up quick, and am prone to tunnel vision.
This means, when I'm in, I am in. I want what I want, and I love you/it to the bones.
This means I've often been left waiting for the other party to join me in the jump. This applies to everything from a romantic partner, to an RSVP for an event, to a career endeavor. And I am not a naturally patient person.
This means, I've spent a lot of time in my life feeling like someone else held the cards. As I'd wait for them to make up their mind, or what felt like to "choose me", I've often feel helpless, swimming in a sea of giant feelings. I've asked myself why my fate often feels in the hands of the other party, and why this theme had recurred through my life.
Only recently have I had a revelation about this, and that is the one of responsibility.
I am built to know my heart.
I am built to jump quick.
I am not afraid to feel intensely.
This makes me brave.
It's unfair to grant someone power over me.
Nobody gets to govern me, but me.
Maybe I want, love, and long at a higher frequency than most, but nobody asked to be the captain of my ship, and if I turn myself over to someone / something beyond my control who never asked for it, that's unfair. That's a pressure they've never asked for, and most likely are unaware of.
My responsibility for my sensitivity boils down to this: fully owning the depths at which I swim, and going there willingly, unharnessed, regardless of what the other side should ever choose.
Here I am.
I vibrate intensely, deeply, fully, and you can swim here with me -
should you choose to.
I will never be afraid. I will risk. I'm okay with jumping first.
I'd rather try and not get what I desire than never know.
I'd go to the ends of the earth, right now, today, easily, for my heart.
And, "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."
No regrets on offering up my lovely bones, entire.
I'm okay with loving more.
Always.
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.
It took me years to understand my sensitivity was my language on this earth, and that there would be no stamping out my essence. It took decades to learn it was my superpower.
I get to experience this world with vibrancy. With a bottomless heart, so full of love to give that it feels too big for my body most days.
My superpower means that I say yes more than no, I am not afraid to swing big, to miss, to burn it down, and to try again. I only know limitless, and I want to feel it ALL.
It means full out, head first, and there is no room for lukewarm or half-hearted anything.
It means I am okay with jumping first.
It means I am brave as hell.
It means I am the softest warrior you'll ever meet.
And it means in this life, I'll never be half-alive.
* * * * * *
I remember reading a quote years ago that said, "If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me." I remember thinking how terrible that sounded. Only recently have I begun to understand what those words mean, and how beautiful a concept it actually is. Now I hear it and think of my sensitivity, and when I think of my sensitivity these days, a new layer to my understanding of it is emerging. One that has a few themes, like patience, and limitations, but is truly about responsibility.
The responsibility and ownership of highly sensitive feelings.
I think back on many times throughout my life where I was left waiting for a pice of the puzzle to slide into place. You see, I love hard, I make my mind up quick, and am prone to tunnel vision.
This means, when I'm in, I am in. I want what I want, and I love you/it to the bones.
This means I've often been left waiting for the other party to join me in the jump. This applies to everything from a romantic partner, to an RSVP for an event, to a career endeavor. And I am not a naturally patient person.
This means, I've spent a lot of time in my life feeling like someone else held the cards. As I'd wait for them to make up their mind, or what felt like to "choose me", I've often feel helpless, swimming in a sea of giant feelings. I've asked myself why my fate often feels in the hands of the other party, and why this theme had recurred through my life.
Only recently have I had a revelation about this, and that is the one of responsibility.
I am built to know my heart.
I am built to jump quick.
I am not afraid to feel intensely.
This makes me brave.
It's unfair to grant someone power over me.
Nobody gets to govern me, but me.
Maybe I want, love, and long at a higher frequency than most, but nobody asked to be the captain of my ship, and if I turn myself over to someone / something beyond my control who never asked for it, that's unfair. That's a pressure they've never asked for, and most likely are unaware of.
My responsibility for my sensitivity boils down to this: fully owning the depths at which I swim, and going there willingly, unharnessed, regardless of what the other side should ever choose.
Here I am.
I vibrate intensely, deeply, fully, and you can swim here with me -
should you choose to.
I will never be afraid. I will risk. I'm okay with jumping first.
I'd rather try and not get what I desire than never know.
I'd go to the ends of the earth, right now, today, easily, for my heart.
And, "if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."
No regrets on offering up my lovely bones, entire.
I'm okay with loving more.
Always.
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Apr 23, 2020
The growing ghost
I'm struggling, sweating. It used to be easy to carry him, but now I can only do it for a finite amount of time. It's getting shorter, and shorter.
"Stop for a second", I tell him. "I want to remember this forever. What it was like right before you turned four." But he's gone, in a flash, running past me.
We're making ramps for our cars out of dirt. "Don't worry, mom. We can wash our hands at home." Since when does he tell me not to worry, and hatch the plan?
I think of when I placed my hand on his brand-new 7 lb body, on his chest to comfort him. "He calmed down when his mom came in", the doctors said. "I'm a MOM", I thought. I try to recall it, but I've already forgotten...
"Hold me mom", I carry him home. He's half my size now, and this is where I struggle...but knowing I'm on borrowed time, I push through. He turns into me, putting both arms around my neck, head nestling in. I try to memorize exactly this moment...they are getting fewer.
But it can't be captured, it is ethereal, a living loss, a growing ghost. Intangible, and can't be kept.
I try to remember what it felt like when he was a baby. I've already forgotten...
3.10.2020
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"Stop for a second", I tell him. "I want to remember this forever. What it was like right before you turned four." But he's gone, in a flash, running past me.
We're making ramps for our cars out of dirt. "Don't worry, mom. We can wash our hands at home." Since when does he tell me not to worry, and hatch the plan?
I think of when I placed my hand on his brand-new 7 lb body, on his chest to comfort him. "He calmed down when his mom came in", the doctors said. "I'm a MOM", I thought. I try to recall it, but I've already forgotten...
"Hold me mom", I carry him home. He's half my size now, and this is where I struggle...but knowing I'm on borrowed time, I push through. He turns into me, putting both arms around my neck, head nestling in. I try to memorize exactly this moment...they are getting fewer.
But it can't be captured, it is ethereal, a living loss, a growing ghost. Intangible, and can't be kept.
I try to remember what it felt like when he was a baby. I've already forgotten...
3.10.2020
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“That’s not how my story is supposed to go.”
“That’s not how my story is supposed to go.”
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that. I’d have a whole bunch of nickels.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that. I’d have a whole bunch of nickels.
Now it’s been so long since I’ve thought that, I can’t believe there was a time when I concerned myself with any “supposed to’s.”
Over time, I’ve shaken off all the old stories. I belong to no titles, I have outgrown all molds. The biggest surprises that have come my way have made my life big. To not know what’s coming keeps it expanding...
Anything and everything is possible. It’s all happened. It’s yet to happen. I used to long to have answers, and want them to fit neatly in a box. This isn’t to say I don’t find new bones on which to pin new dreams, but when I find myself doing so, I check myself.
No expectations = no limitations.
Now, the unknown is what keeps me going. What’s next? I have no idea, thank god. All is possible.
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