The things that will break your heart...

…if you think about them for too long.

My childhood home:
Thanksgiving dinner around the dining room table
Countless hours spent decorating, cleaning, and rearranging my bedroom
Writing for hours in my journal on my bed
The christmas songs my Grandma played while we decorated for the holidays
The storage I was often scared to go into under the basement stairs. One bulb to light it, turned on by pulling a string.
The smell of the candles and christmas decor coming out of the big brown boxes for the first time each year.
Christmas eve
Christmas morning 
Girlfriends over to get ready for a night ahead
Girlfriends sleeping over after a magic night out

Teenage adventures:
Roller skating with my girlfriends, excited to see the boys at the rink
Talking about boys and analyzing everything into the wee hours of the morning
Lunch with my girlfriends at school
Passing notes
The simplicity of growing up before social media,
and media overload in general
Young heartbreaks that make me smile years later rather than cry
My first car
The complete safety of being at home, before you embark on true experiences and growth, that you don't know how to appreciate until it's gone.
Ignorance
Protection
Being a child

La Luna

photo by my dad 8/2014

I've got a thing for the moon. It started when I was little and my dad invented this game where he'd say to me, "see the moon?" I'd instantly look for it and he'd grab me, "gotcha!" I'd fall for it every time. I grew up, and forgot our game. But In 2012 when my uncle passed away I became fixated on the moon. It's like she called to me. I couldn't stop starting at her in the night. Wondering why I was allowed to look directly at her and how lucky that was. How close yet so far away she was. How big and small I felt in her presence. How human beings have both stood right where I did, and out where she was, looking back this way at me. It was the beginning. I began to question everything, and I began to remember the massive picture I am part of. She gave me comfort and lit the first light on my new path. She called me to healing, to expansion, to myself again.

I don't have to hide it.

Constantly processing my sensitivity, 
never able to categorize it as a blessing or a curse.

~ Insatiable ~

I am an insatiable person. As in:

(definitions)
Impossible to satisfy.
Incapable of being satisfied.
Voracious, wanting.
Not satiable.
Someone who is insatiable can never be full.
It can be used for spiritual as well as physical desires.

In what ways, you ask? In romantic relationships, mainly. It takes a lot to be my partner. In every relationship I've ever been in, I've known I've required a lot from my partner.  While each of them (and there have been four long term) were very different, there are always similarities with what I ask and what I need. This isn't necessarily new information for myself, but it's become clearer. I don't apologize for being me. I apologize if I've hurt you because of how I am. I always want to grow and be a better version of myself. I am aware I can be demanding and draining.

I love love. I love experiencing the kind of romantic love I'm finally experiencing. I am so in love with this love, there can never be enough of it to fill me. "Someone who is insatiable can never be full." Even when I have it, when I have someone who worships me it's never enough. When I have someone who loves me, I want to feel it more. I want to hear it, see it, breathe it, live it, tenfold every second of every day. I want it proven to me moment after moment. Even though I am a wife, it is not done. It is just beginning. It will never be done. More, more, more.

I am how I am, yet I am adaptable. I've experienced changes within me time and time again. I don't believe anyone is set in their ways. To say that and leave it at that is lazy, a cop out. It just takes work. It just takes experience, knowledge, perspective, an opening of the heart and mind.

To those of you who have been my partners, be it years or months, you have been warriors. You didn't know you were coming up against me, loving someone who will never have enough. Some of you battled longer and harder than others. But you were all brave, and all (mostly) gave a valiant effort. Some ran away from it. I was too much. They couldn't do it. Some I left behind. Drained, depleted. Done. For that I apologize. I know loving me is…the way it is. It takes someone special to stick with me. To be the man who will not waver. Who will not run. And even then, when I have you completely, I will push you.

So here we are now. Love of my life. And I find I still want more of you. I want you to give me all of you, in every moment. More, more, more. Yet I know I can't consume you, entire. You must have something for yourself. You must not let me drain you. How do I find a way to satiate myself in this love? How do I let myself rest, and breathe, and accept it? You are it though. Boy, are you it.

You are also the only one who ever pushed me back.  

I have so much love in me. I have so much to give. That's something I've recently learned. How lucky am I? To be made with such a heart. To have the capacity to love someone so fully and then some. The issue is, I need it back.

And then some.
And then some.
And then some.

Even when I have it, it's not enough.

The most insatiable girl in the world, me.


Thanks for reading,

Deena

How others see you. It's not what you think!

I think from time to time about the discrepancies between the way we experience ourselves (as only we can) and the way others must view us.  How different an answer we'd get if we were to ask those that know us to varying degrees, to tell us what they see.

I guessed that if I were to ask my social media friends and followers for a word or two to describe me, or give me their impression of me, it would be very different from what I would say about myself. What would strike someone instantly upon meeting me, or spending time with me? Would most people give a superficial answer? Who sees deeper?

I was right that the answers were different than what I expected.  I was shocked to end up with a giant list of words (full list below).  What a variety! It was incredible to see what words I got multiples of.  To see what those multiples were.  Coming in at the top with four each were: Driven, Inspiring,  Lovely, Talented.  In second place with three each were: Ambitious, Beautiful, Effervescent, Funny, Hilarious, Kind, Loving, Magical, Unicorn. 

It's also an interesting experiment to see if we come across to others the way we think we do or hope we might.  Of those top thirteen words above, guess how many would have been on my own list, were I the one making it? Four.  Only four of them.  One of the words in the top thirteen, I'm not sure I've ever really even liked.  I appreciate everyone who took the time to comment, so I chose not to use names, or specify words.

As for my feelings on the master list, they are mixed.  Let me start off by saying it's good.  It's wonderful, really.  To have this incredible reference of uplifting words from others.  It's mind blowing. But there are definitely a couple of words that make me cringe.  Make me wonder where in the world someone would come up with that! Words that don't ring true to me.  Others surprise me.  Some take my breath away.  Some make me feel as though I could never live up to what people in my world seem to think I am.

In the end, most aren't what I would have chosen.  One of my top three words I'd use for myself doesn't even appear anywhere on the list! But boy, I'd never be able to come up with a list anywhere near this long.  It's unbelievable.

I was nervous to ask.  The only way to do the experiment was to be a the guinea pig.  I felt vulnerable and was afraid of coming off as narcissistic.  "Tell me what you think of me!" So I didn't specify.  I didn't ask for positive comments only.  But I didn't get a mean one.  Not really.  It's all there, I left nothing out.

I walk away having learned a lot from this experiment.:

~Others definitely do see you differently than you see yourself.
~They might even see more in you than you can.
~You realize your shortcomings much more than those around you.
~People are generally kinder and more observant than you might expect.
~I placed unfair limits on what the outcome would be, expecting superficial answers.
~I was blown away by how deep and descriptive everyone was. (There were less labels, more description.)
~Maybe I am more than the handful of words I would have picked for myself.
~We are all more beautiful and powerful than we think we are.
~We all impact, effect, and inspire each other.
~Tell each other the good.  We all need to hear it.  If we don't how we will ever know?

For all of the surprises that came from this, one thing was solidified that means everything.  To me, the biggest compliment of all is when someone tells me I've inspired them.  It's the biggest compliment I can ever give to another person.  It's the essential essence of life.  Inspiration.  To have that word listed in the very top…wow.  It's what I would hope for.  It's what I strive for.  I thank you.  Deeply.

What a humbling, learning experience!

Thank you, everyone who participated.  You helped me learn a little more about myself, and others.  

So now, I dare you to try it! Let yourself be surprised! Mull it over.  Who are you? Who are you to others? Most importantly, what does it teach you?

Thank you for reading and participating, let me know how your experiment goes!



(I was going to alphabetize, but I got lazy)

Amazing
Alluring
Astonishing
Audacious
Ambitious (3)
A wholly brilliant person
Accepting
Adorable
A positive energy to be in touch with the universe
Beautiful (3)
Brave
Bold (2)
Bratz Doll
Celestial
Classy (2)
Clandestine
Caring
Compassionate (2)
Critical Thinker
Confident
Curious (2)
Determined (2)
Delightful
Driven (4)
Dynamic
Dream Manifesto
Disco
Enchanting
Enthusiastic
Endearing
Effervescent (3)
Encouraging
Energetic (2)
Express
Enterprising
Earnest
Funny (3)
Fun (2)
Fierce (2)
Fabulous
Free Spirited
Genuine (2)
Grounded
Gracious
Got it all
Happy
Hilarious (3)
Hopeful
Helpful
Inspiring (4)
Irrepressible
Inner Beauty Shines Out
Intelligent
Jubilantly Bohemian
Kindhearted
Kind (3)
Luminous
Lovely (4)
Lover of Animals
Loyal (2)
Loving (3)
Lola
Magical (3)
Multi-Talented (2)
Nicer than I heard
Optimist

One of Us

Poised
Positive
Prettier than initially thought (inside, not outside only)
Professional (2)
Present. You seen to live in the moment & seize opportunities - whether they be to laugh or cry or admire or perform.

Quirky

Regal

Refreshing

Ray of Sunshine

Really Pretty Skin

Seeker

Smiley

Sweet

Self-Expressed
Sincere
Smart
Sparkly
Stunning
Talented (4)
Talented in so many areas it's disgusting

Timeless
Thoughtful
Tenacious
Ubiquitous
Unicorn (3)
Uplifting
Vibrant
Vivacious
Witty
Whimsical
Witty
Wow, she sparkles



Thank you for reading,

xo


Deena Marie

| TOXIC | I tie no weights to my ankles

I woke up sick on February 1st.  I've stayed sick.  I've been sick for every day of February 2015 so far. Today is the 10th, and while that might not seem like much, ten days is an eternity when you feel as lousy as I do.

I haven't been this sick for this long in years.  It's been really strange.  It feels deliberate.  It feels like a culmination of things.  Everything in me feels toxic from my thoughts to my overall well being.  Like this happened to shake me up and show me something.

When you are rendered more or less immobile, when parts of you that you need to function are shut down, there is little you can do.  Everything is taken away from you.  You are left to focus on the essentials.

The first essential realization: You have NOTHING without your health.  When you feel that bad, you are ready to give up anything and everything just to feel well again.  Nothing matters.  Take my material possessions, take my arm, take it all! Just let me go back to normal.  I'll do anything for my ear to heal.  To hear again, for the pressure in my head to go.  For the deafening silence to stop.  I feel like I'm on the verge of crazy.  To not be exhausted from a day of doing nothing.  To stop coughing.  For my throat to stop hurting.  I don't want to be dizzy anymore.

I can't concentrate.  I don't know what I want.  I don't know if I want to write, or read, or sleep, or watch tv to drown it all out.  I'm just trying not to cry so I don't add to the stuffiness in my head.

No appetite.  Unable to taste.  I just looked in the mirror and gasped at my concave stomach and jutting ribs.  I even took a picture.  Woah.

It mentally wears on you that another day has passed and you are still home, in your pajamas.  I tried a couple of errands and outings the first week, but paid the price when I took a turn for the worse after.  So there you are.  Trapped.  The sun is shining, but you aren't well enough to be out in it and that's depressing.  Then it drizzles the next day, and while you feel better about being stuck indoors, the gray skies are depressing.

Depressing.  Everything is getting really, really depressing.

And every day is groundhog day.

Now let's talk about the fact that my profession is acting.  My fellow actors and theatre people will understand this.  When you are attached to a project, it is everything.  It is what your world revolves around.  The thought of not being able to do your job, to perform, is not only out of the question, but unbearable.  You show up.  You push through.  I've already had to cancel a photo shoot, and an on camera shoot.  If I didn't feel this bad, I'd be in a state of panic over it.

So what do I do? I'm not giving up.  I'm not giving in.  I'm trying to mentally and emotionally let myself chill out.  As much as I can.  I'm not good at it.  I'm trying not to force myself.  I have time.  I'm memorized.  I'm okay.  I will heal in time.  I'm okay.  I can't make myself better if I put pressure on myself, give myself a time limit.

The second essential realization: If I don't put my well being at the top of the list, everything else flounders.  Nothing can come before that at the moment.  No wonder they tell you on a plane to put your gas mask on before helping those next to you.  I get it.

Back to the beginning of the post.  Everything in me feels toxic at the moment.  I'm a vessel of poison that needs to be cleared out.  I feel like every bit of me needs an overhaul.  I've got to get the poison out.  Where do I start? What is this? What is it trying to tell me?

The third essential realization: The lessons the universe is constantly trying to teach me are the same.  I have not yet grasped them.  I am stuck in old habits, no matter how evolved I've become on my personal spiritual journey over the last four years.   PATIENCE.  SURRENDER.  ACCEPT.  ALLOW.  BE IN THIS MOMENT.  Don't create problems from nothing.  Don't create things that aren't there.  Don't dig for issues that don't exist.  Don't self sabotage.  Don't add to the poison.  It's okay to be happy.  It's okay to not have drama in your life.  Don't create it.  In fact, it's natural to exist in love and happiness.  Don't be so focused on others, on what other people think of you.  Stop worrying about how they judge.  Start letting go.  Let go.  Let go, Let go.  "You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go.  Let go them.  I tie no weights to my ankles."

The fourth essential realization: I've been through so much more than I ever could have imagined, or saw coming in recent years.  I've said it before and I guess I still need to say it again.  Maybe I need to run through the streets one day screaming it at the top of my lungs until it's finally out of me, I am surprised I survived 2012.  And while big and positive shifts started in early 2013, there were still hardships.  And guess what? I'm not over it.  Maybe I'll never be over it.  Maybe now I'm mad at it.  I've been left what feels like an impossibly fragile person.  I'm not done rebuilding.  I'm not done finding new strength.  I'm not what I once was.  I may never be.  I've been damaged in the process of surviving nearly insurmountable heart break and loss.  I've felt glimpses of that summer of sad again, and I never thought that would happen.  While new players have entered the scene and helped heal me, help me create my new life, I think I'm still in between whoever I am now and letting that girl I was go.  Let go, let go.  How do I let go when I'm sad over it, mad at it, and want to scream and scream until it's out?

It's okay to be something new.  It's okay if I never know that kind of fire and armor again.  It's okay to be inside out more days than not.  It's okay to feel it all, to the core, deep, deep, every time.  It's just who I've become.  Someone still trying to…heal.  Someone still trying to believe myself when I say "it's okay."

And hope that right now that the reason everything feels like it's whittling down, whittling away, is so that after, I will finally get to bloom.



Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Feed your sweetheart!

Last week, I was invited to a fun event at Oakwood Homes in Murray.  See these super tall fellas? They are Jake and Aaron, chefs at Whole Foods in Park City.  They gave a bunch of us bloggers a cooking lesson and fed us! They sent us home with recipes and I thought I'd give them to you, just in time for Valentines Day so you can whip up a yummy for your Valentine.  Or tell your sweetheart to get in the kitchen and make it for you! There's a little something for everyone below, as well as pictures of each dish.  You're welcome!

Sweetheart Steak
1.5 - 2 lb boneless rib-eye steak
Salt & Pepper
Olive oil
Butterfly your rib-eye steak folding open to look like a heart
Brush olive oil on both sides
Season w/salt & pepper
Place on hot grill or in hot pan
Mark or sear both sides
Cook until desired temp

Garlic Herb Fingerling Potatoes
2lbs fingerling potatoes
Olive Oil
Rosemary
Basil
Garlic
Salt & Pepper
Wash potatoes & cut up larger ones
Place in bowl & toss in olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic, & fresh herbs
Place on cooking sheet pan & place in 350 oven for 25-35 min or until tender

Pork Chop w/Apple Chutney
Two 6-8 oz bone in pork chops
Olive oil
salt & pepper
2 apples
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 apple cider vinegar
Brush pork with olive oil and season with salt & pepper
Place on hot grill or in hot pan & mark or sear both sides
Cook until desired temp
Dice apples & put into sauté pan with olive oil
Once apples start to cook add sugar & cook until sugar is dissolved & forms a sauce
When apples start to caramelize deglaze pan with vinegar
Cook until apples are desired softness

Truffle Mashed Potatoes
4-5 lbs peeled potatoes
Butter
Heavy Cream
Salt
White pepper
Truffle oil
Place potatoes in water & bring to boil in salted water
Cook until fork tender
Melt butter and add butter and heavy cream to potatoes
Using potato masher or mixer whip potatoes until desired texture
Season with salt & pepper to taste
Fold in truffle oil to desired taste

Crab Cakes
1 lb crab meat
Yellow pepper
Red pepper
Red onion
Garlic
Olive oil
Apple wine vinegar
Salt & pepper
Tarter sauce / mayo
Lemon juice
2 eggs
1 cup bread crumbs
Small dice your peppers and onion mince garlic
Heat up sauté pan with olive oil
Add peppers, onion, garlic
Sauté until onion is translucent & the garlic is fragrant
Deglaze pan with vinegar
Cook out vinegar and cool down mixture
Put crab into bowl and add eggs, bread crumbs, tartar sauce, lemon juice, cooled mixture
Hand mix everything until well blended
Let sit while mixtures sets up
Heat olive oil in pan and make mixture into cakes
Place cake in pan and cook until golden brown
Flip & cook other side until golden brown
Take out, put on plate, serve with cocktail sauce

Parmesan Tuiles with Heirloom Tomato Salad
Parmesan Cheese
Heirloom tomatoes
Red onion
Roasted bell peppers
Basil
Garlic

Thanks for reading! 

~Deena Marie~

I'm cheap! (The makeup post)

Sometimes I can't believe how expensive makeup is.  I love MAC foundation but I cringe each time I hand over my (nearly) forty bucks.  And makeup brushes? Don't get me started.  Over the last couple years I've found some pretty comparable products to the big name stuff for CHEAP.  I thought I'd let you in on my secrets.

Target brand eye makeup remover  | $4.59

I use this and a cotton ball to take off my eye makeup at night.  It is incredibly gentle and comes right off.  No tugging at your eye.  

ELF makeup brushes | $3

I've got a bunch of different brushes.  Multiples of some.  How can you not when each brush is only a couple of dollars? ELF is the best kept secret, I'm telling you.  And the quality is surprisingly awesome. They are durable.  I've never had a problem with brush hairs falling out and ending up all over my bathroom sink or on my face like I have with other cheap brushes.  

NYX lipgloss | $5 … NYX eyeshadow | $3 

I'm sure you've seen or heard of NYX by now.  I'm obsessed.  It's been just about the only gloss I've put on my lips for over a year now.  There are so many shades to choose from, too.  I like the pinks.  The color I'm ALWAYS wearing? Peaches & Cream. 

You'd think something so small would go quickly, right? Wrong! I've been using two vials of bronze NYX eye shadows regularly for over a year now, and I've got half left in each! What I love most about this loose shadow, is that the pigment is so strong.

Revlon Photo Ready Foundation | approx $10

When I just need to take a break from spending my pennies on my beloved MAC Mineralize, Revlon Photo Ready is next in line.  Flawless.  Just make sure you get this one and NOT the airbrush mousse! Eeek! The airbrush mousse is my least favorite foundation yet.  The way it comes out of the bottle (what a mess) the texture, and how transparent it is.  I apply my foundation with the ELF small stipple brush. I only use powder when I have to, for tv or over a small blemish.  

That's it! 

What do you want to know next?

Deena Marie

A snippet.

I am about fifteen.
I've recently met a boy.
He has blonde hair.
We have gone out a few times.
He has come to my house.
We have modeled together.  We have roller skated together.
One night, something happens.  Some sort of argument.
I couldn't tell you what it's about.
But, as quickly as we began, we are over.
I am on my way home, it's night.  A friend is dropping me off.
As we make the turn onto my street, the unexpected happens.
There, in my driveway, is his car.
The old white one with rust spots everywhere.
He's standing, leaning against the outside.
Peeking out from under that blonde hair.
We have a conversation and make amends.  Something about him not wanting to lose me, how he felt the first time he saw me when we modeled.
Some apology.

But.  Someone told me this.  I only remember him.  As in I remember who he was, his name, and what he looked like.  I remember the way he looked, leaning against the car, waiting for me.  Like something out of a movie.  I think I remember kisses one night on a dance floor.  And getting in trouble for it.  But as for the rest of it, the details, I'm at a loss.  I only know about this particular night because my grandparents told me.  You see, right above the driveway was their bedroom.  And they overheard it all.  Two fickle teenagers breaking up and making up.

Not so long ago when my Grandma told me the story, her face lit up and she laughed throughout.  She even quoted him.  "When I saw you, I knew you were special."  I'm sure both of my grandparents got a kick out of it.  I'm sure the two of them fell asleep with smiles on their faces that night.  I can picture it.  I can still smell their bedroom.  My beloved childhood home that has never stopped haunting my dreams.

I was struck by this the other day, out of nowhere.  Struck with the thought that the two of them seemed to know this memory of mine better than I do. And now, there is only one.  My Grandma.  One day she too will be gone, and nobody will know this anymore.  A witnessed memory.  A story about me.  The ones who could tell it best will no longer be.

How strange.  They are the possessors of this tiny slice of my life.  Maybe it seems so big because it's the only one I know of for certain.  The only memory like this truly belonging to someone else.  Something I should remember, but don't.  Perhaps there are others.  Other nights under the window.  Other boys. More stolen moments.  Maybe some take place outside the front door, next to my moms window.

What other snippets are out there, known better by another than by me?
And what happens if I don't remember?
And if they never tell me?

Two people know a memory of mine better than I do.  And now, there is only one.  My Grandma.  One day she too will be gone, and nobody will know this anymore.  


Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie