March 26, 2020

“Guide me to, guide me from, guide me home”, I said to the stars. 

Like a cosmic prayer, it came to me one night. 

I’d made a habit of consulting the stars nightly before bed. 

Mid February, before the world fell apart, I wrote of “expansion, and being bound.” These words, this juxtaposition, now a prophecy. A foretelling.

My lessons are coming in hot. Lessons in distance and closeness, in tribe and solitude. 

I called them into being. The stars delivered.

The world shrunk and grew in an instant. So did my home, and my heart. 

I am filled to the brim with more than I can alchemize into words just yet. 

What a beginning to this new earth...the next chapter...

Not a soul with the answer. 

And that’s strangely comforting.

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Thirtysomething things I've learned in thirtysomething years

I did more than thirtysomething things...I could keep going. Maybe I'll just add to the list here and there, but here you go:

The unthinkable will happen.

It pays to say yes rather than no to adventures and opportunity.
 
You can’t help who you’re attracted to, and who you're not. Neither are to be forced.

Your perceived weaknesses are most likely your super powers.

You don’t know what kind of parent you’ll be until you are one.

You can’t possibly know how to parent your child until you meet, and get to know them.

Time will speed up the older you get.

You will look back on just about every phase with nostalgia, even the rough stuff.

You probably don’t know how good you have it.

People would never guess how bad you’ve had it.

We are all just souls, more alike than not, 
experiencing life in whatever body we happened to be born in.

It takes a long time to learn to love selflessly.

What you feel shame over is probably your greatest story to share and inspire others with.

Everyone is connected.

Everything is connected.

Birth and death are parts of the same whole.

Some things feel cosmic, biblical, and cannot be explained

The universe is full of love notes, and when you tune in, you’ll feel the world has been tailored just for you.

There are too many “coincidences” to not questions sometimes if you are, in fact, in “The Truman Show”.

Gratitude is everything.

Friends are important, chose them wisely.

Don’t give too much of yourself to those who don’t deserve it.

It is impossible and nonsensical to judge another, you simply cannot know what it’s like to experience life from their point of view.

You will have dreams that will come true.

Life will be full of curveballs, and the surprises will be some of the best things to happen.

You will survive that which you’re sure you can’t, should you chose to.

Your feelings will get hurt, and your heart will get broken, and there will never be an age where you’re immune.

You can’t love someone enough for the both of you.

Not everyone will want to do the hard work it takes to sustain a relationship, a friendship, or want to grow...those are not your people, if you’re a seeker.

You’ll experience yourself differently than the outside world perceives, and their perception has little to do with you.

Consult others for opinions at your own discretion, but in the end, only you steer your ship, and know where it needs to go.

If you feel stifled, or have a hard time expressing yourself, pay attention...go where breathing comes easy.

Human connection is vital.

We are all eachother’s teachers.

When it comes to religion, let people believe whatever they need to leave to get through life, but never let someone tell you their way is you are way too if it doesn’t ring true for you.

There is never just one possibility, or outcome, there are many.
At first that will overwhelm, but in the end, it is your freedom.

Soulmates can take many forms; lovers, friends, family, and animals.
 
Give yourself grace for doing whatever you knew how to do, until you learned to do better.

Each baby arrives earth-side absolutely perfect.
You’re supposed to be here, right at this moment, however you are.
 
You can’t imagine how quickly things turn.

Life is a series of goodbyes.

This too shall pass - the good and the bad.
Nothing lasts.
Not one thing.

Awaken II

In the midst of social distancing, I experienced an incredible closeness. Sometimes people come into your life in the most sudden, and unexpected ways, leaving you forever changed, and there is no going back to before, from a crash course in life, and love.

He's on his way back to France. I'm sure you're curious about this story, but it's mine to keep. I will never claim to know what the future holds, where the path may lead, or why ours crossed, but to him I am so grateful. Magic is real. He brought me back to life.

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I watched him walk away, trying to memorize it. Burning the image into my brain, not wanting to forget. As I drove away, I was not yet able to turn on the radio, or hear any music. Not yet ready to fill myself with anything other than what I was feeling. Never having had a goodbye like that, one that was so sad, because my heart is so incredibly full. 

What's next? I ask myself. Now? But it's not an empty question. I feel as though I've been loved right back to life. 

Sometimes people just belong. They just fit. And life, and home expands. And breathing is easy. 

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Awaken

Once upon a time...

...there was a girl who, for more than two and a half years, kept her heart under lock and key. With high built walls, and a certainty she was irreparably broken.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't connect. She felt out-of-body, without access to her own heart.

Wrong pieces of the puzzle, every time. She resigned herself to the fact a part of her had closed, and no matter who knocked, it was impossible to answer.

But then.

Something unexplainable happened. Something clicked. Switched. She was comfortable. She was vulnerable. She felt. And it was all okay. She fell in sync with him, with ease. And she began to awaken.

Like Sleeping Beauty after the kiss, 
like the earth after the rain, 
she reignited. 

She could feel her heart again, and her heart could feel.
Natural. Equal. It simply...was.

Re-inspired. As a woman, as an artist. Given fresh eyes in which to see her city, her life, and her current path. Laid out before her like riches, she goes forward.

Open, and able to feel, once again.

No matter where the path leads, she is grateful to him, for his gift to her.

As it turns out, magic is very, very real.

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Expansion, and being bound

I am looking at the moon, and thinking both of expansion, and being bound.

I forget. I so often forget that I am a Russian nesting doll, with so many lifetimes inside of me. I've lived in other cities, I've had a big life. Teardrops are here, and on the streets of New York.

How do you ever properly close a chapter? This one has been long. The one where I am a single mom. I've been a single mom, on my own for so long now, I can't imagine what it wouldn't be like.

This is the one where I own my own my own little condo. The space that I call home for myself, and my boy. This little space of the world. This tiny square of earth...how can it feel so small, and so vast?

I think of when I was in elementary, and I was so aware of the weight of my being and the space I took up. If I stood in the corner of my room, that is all I would occupy in the world. But I felt so much bigger than what I realized I was restricted to.

I think of how ancient I was, when I was new. I think of my boy, and wonder how he experiences his being, and wonder if he is aware of his vastness or his restriction.

I am many lives packed neatly into one, wondering how you ever say goodby, or move forward, propelled into the unknown again and again...

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The year of everything

There are those years where eternity is crammed into just 365 days.

Life on fast forward. One giant event after another. A year where you land in a completely different space than when you started...figuratively and literally.

With a shiny new decade about to begin...

(the energy is palpable, isn't it? It's electric. It's sparking. I can see it, thundering behind a wooden door that can barely contain it. The brightness seeping out the cracks at the bottom, and all around. It's about to burst!)

...I am reflecting on how completely my end and beginning of 2019 were. Everything I learned can be summed up in three words:

I AM CAPABLE.

This spring, and just a few posts back, I published one titled burn. Where I talked about precipice, and how I had only felt on the verge like that just one other time. When suddenly I knew my life was about to take a redirect, and change, entire. I was right once again. A couple months later my dream day job came knocking, and the opportunity presented itself to become a homeowner for the first time. Needles to say, both transformed the current state of my world.

I get to enter this new decade with so much new:

As a working mom
As a mom with a preschooler
Without friendships I didn't expect
With friendships I didn't expect
In a brand new living space that feels like heaven
As a homeowner
Without the same car
Without my old furniture
Without fighting legally for my son
Without anxiety and PTSD...or at least with hardly any left...
With true in-my-bones and in-my-soul contentment
With a changed body, one that no longer experiences the beauty of breastfeeding, but now belongs to me, altered just for me
As an associate artist with one of my favorite theatre companies
Side passion projections about to be announced, and come to fruition
With giant dreams
With a limitless sky
With new optimism
Strengthened by knowledge
Senses buzzing once more

I have so much god damn gratitude. I couldn't wrap my head around what that meant for so long. Trauma left me longing for just the bare minimum. If I learned to want just the bare minimum, wasn't that...sad? Devastating? Didn't that shrink me, my dreams, all I once hoped for and strived towards?

No. It simply means appreciating the little moments along the way up, through the journey of my rising. The small parts build the foundation. Tiny miracles are always around, in the form of coincidence, of chance encounters, of omens. Looking back, even through the destruction there was beauty.

Only I steer this ship. I am finding I have loved every part of my life that led me here, and I will continue to. Was it always there? Whispering to me all along? The undercurrent of energy saying this was all meant to be...unfolding exactly as it should...?

I've never related more to the tale of The Phoenix as I have this year. This was the year I earned my wings. I proudly stepped into the ancestral line of warrior women that have paved the way before me, and will come after me. Confidently, and unapologetically.

This was my time to become...and I finally became.

For over two years, my senses dulled. I could only see black. Now, I'm rushing toward the light, for I've finally broken...into blossom...


"Suddenly I realize that if I stepped out of my body I would break into blossom."

A Blessing by James Wright 


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A new introduction.

Welcome! 

My name is Deena Marie Manzanares. Because I think it's far more interesting to know who people are, rather than what they do, let's start there. I am a highly sensitive person who often felt my heart was made of glass, my nervous system the outside, not meant for a world so harsh. Over the years, I learned to harness life's alchemy to redirect my perceived weakness into my superpower. I am the softest warrior you'll ever meet. 

I am a single mother to my son. I saw him in a vision years before he was even a possibility. Birth was the moment of my life. Housing the bones and soul of another is completely life-altering, and put all my priorities in just the right places. He is the greatest love I've ever known. 

I'm an actor, model, and tv host. Theatre, and storytelling are sacred to me. As an actor and as an audience member, I am able to dissipate into the whole. Relating to story reminds us we are not alone. 

I am a member of Actors Equity Association, and represented by Talent Management group. I am Brand Ambassador for local business Got Beauty. I am associate artist with the Sting and Honey theatre company. I am a tv host for ABC4. 

Over the years I created a large social media following after an extremely popular YouTube channel(s). 

I am a shapeshifting poet. My heart comes in many forms. My words, my poetry, my art, my exchanges with you. 

I'm in progress. I am a giant heartbeat. I am learning. I am sharing it with you here...

He's three.

Lumbering down a never-ending hallway in a body I no longer recognized, I desperately sought relief. Leaning against the wall each time a contraction hit, I could do nothing but ride the wave of the worst physical pain I'd experienced in my life so far. It would end as if it had never happened. Then repeat.

It wasn't until I was finally admitted and we could call my parents that I let myself cry. It was real.

This was it. The day when all of the things I'd been the most scared of in the world, would happen. In one day. Less than.

It's blurry. Feverish. Dreamlike. The sound of the monitors. A heart. An ocean. Over, and over.

Suddenly, you were on your way. Four days late, and now ready to make your entrance, you did things on your own time, and in your own way from the start. The doctor, "should I run?" As the nurses said you were coming, now. I couldn't feel you, but I asked for a mirror, and I got to watch your entrance. It was by far the moment of my life. Words fail. A record 1 minute 36 second birth. Four simple pushes, I was laying back, and you were in the air...descending onto my chest.

You seemed huge, your hair was black, and neither of those things were what I'd envisioned. As you laid on me for the first time, I wondered who in the world this was that had just come earth-side.

Hours went by and I had no clue. It's all so hazy. You were so beautiful. Your dimples the fist big surprise.

When you came home after that first week in the hospital, I remember waking up each morning with butterflies in my stomach. Actual butterflies. Even though I'd seen you all through the night, there was something magic about starting a new day with you in it.

Every single thing about you, and my motherhood experience every day since, has been nothing like I thought, or ever could have seen coming.

I have fought for you, and alongside you, every step from the minute you arrived. One day I hope to rest.

At three, you have talents, and a vocabulary far beyond your years. You have brought things with you that only could have been accumulated from having been here many lifetimes, and you are ancient in your newness.

You have remained foreign to me, yet you're inexplicably mine. We are bound together, meant to be, and I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it.

Blonde, light, pure, sparkling, life-force, who's bones and soul I housed. You taught me that death and birth are two halves of the same whole, and of the devastating permanence to each.

I died the day you came to me, and I will never be the same. I was reborn, a giant heartbeat. Inside out, as if my nervous system now on the outside. I am stronger, and more fragile, and exhausted, yet more energetic, and full of opposites that all exist in me at the same time.

You sifted my priorities, entire. I could almost see them shuffle, and settle into the right spots, like sand. You gave me clarity, new vision, changed time, and taught me a deep appreciation for my body.

You recently asked me where we are before we are born. I replied, "the stars, the clouds." This week we talked about when you were in my tummy. You asked, "were you in the clouds with me? Or were you waiting for me?" Tears filled my eyes, as they do at this moment. "Both. Of this, I am certain, my love."

Happy Birthday to my Charlie, love of my whole life.

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Burn

The other night I dreamt my childhood home burned to the ground. I stood on top of the rubble, with other members of my family. I looked to each of them for a place to live, to be taken in. There was no one for me to stay with. Although in reality this home was sold shortly after I'd moved to New York, in my dream all of my belongings had still been in the house, and now they were gone. Everything I'd owned had burned, but I wasn't phased. In fact, I felt a relief. I could start fresh. I needed, and was attached to, nothing. Yet there was a realization of how special the walls of that home had been. What they had held was scared, and now it was gone...as if it had never stood there in the first place.

I've often documented my dreams, and the visions that have come to me in the in-between here. Some I understand the meaning of right away, and seem almost more real than reality.

This one makes sense. I've been in a state of emotional purging recently. A lot of gunk has built up inside me over the last few years. Trapped in me, I've been living with the sickness of it. PTSD, and anxiety. Physical manifestations that breathe down my neck daily, and dull my sparkle. Only recently has it started to pour out, mostly in the form of tears. This is unusual for me, to have bouts of crying. Sometimes full-on sobs. I have been in fight-or-flight for so long. I've had to hold off on letting it out due to the battles I've had to fight, raising my son, and simply not having the time. But lately it's leaking out, ready or not.

This isn't a bad thing. The webs are untangling inside from around my brain, and heart. The water from my tears is cleansing. "Make space. Clear the way." It whispers..

I have had a sense that a new page is just about to turn. The next chapter is so close. New players will enter, a new stage is set, and life begins, anew. I see white light where I once saw no color at all. I feel warmth right around the corner, coming to me from the opposite direction.

I have only felt on the verge like this one other time. I searched through my old posts until I found it, and wouldn't you know it, the date was February 2013 (here). Exactly one month before absolutely everything about my life changed in a million ways I never could have seen coming.

Is there a shedding of the skin every six or so years? I laugh to myself, remembering that every seven or so we literally become new people, as every cell in our body replaces itself with a new one.

Of course. 

I hope I'm right about this precipice. I have no reason to doubt. Everything I once had burned to the ground. I need nothing other than walls to house a sacred space, where that ends up is TBD.

But I stand calmly on the rubble.
A clean slate.
I don't feel loss.
I am not empty.
There is a hint of spring in the breeze.

I wait...

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A year and a half.

The second my boy was out the door for time with his dad this morning, and I was alone, it hit me. I missed it. I missed this. I missed my blog. I missed typing up my thoughts and feelings specifically on my laptop in specifically this place. With radical life changes like motherhood, followed by single motherhood, it feels nearly impossible most days to not only have the time to sit and purge here, but also to fathom the mental and emotional capacity to even begin to find the words. Motherhood just gets busier. Babies don't do much. Toddlers do it all. Without the help of a partner, I pick and choose what I need each day when I get a minute to myself, and these days it usually means sleep. I've continued to share my thoughts, and feelings, and updates from my phone to instagram, but it's more like the cliff notes.

Logging in today, I was surprised to see my previous post. I have no memory of writing the last entry, "One year later." I read through it, and felt sad, and proud. I still have very similar feelings. I've been thinking about that the last few days, how everything is different, and yet the same. All the old versions of me that I've been through the years are still there, inside me, but buried, rearranged, and altered. I've been shuffled, and spit out, and I truly feel like it's a new chance at life that I never saw coming, one that will force me to completely reinvent myself, my wants, my intentions, my work...and I have no idea what any of that means yet.

My days are more good than bad now...and realizing that that was huge. A year and a half ago, I couldn't see my future. It's hard to explain how quickly the lights dimmed. It was instant, and I've never experienced what it was like to suddenly only see...black. I didn't think I'd survive. Healing is slow. It is an ongoing process. It sneaks up on you, and it happens bit by bit. I am not done, but I have been regenerating through this summer, and fall. I am finding my strength. I experience a quiet, fragile strength. It is not on display, it is not boasted, it takes conscious effort, it can exhaust me, and it is not as visible as I hope it is one day.

The outside eye sees me, and experiences me so differently that I see and experience myself. I'm a late bloomer in a lot of ways, when it's come to love, and awareness. What's been right in front of my eyes, and what hasn't. What's been true, excused, overlooked, and romanticized. This has made me more patient with where people are in their journey.

You cannot possibly know what it is you don't know, and each lesson is only mine/yours to learn on our own time, with our own experiences.

A big lesson in my lifetime is to trust myself. To know I am worthy and need not do anything to prove that. What is for me can't miss me. I don't need to chase, or convince anyone of that.

Easy. I need to let life come easy. Flow through it, move with it, like water. As if I've chosen every second exactly this way.

The end of this year has felt like a final exam. There are no coincidences, and in the last two months, life has presented situations to test me to make sure I've studied, and paid attention the last year and a half. Opportunities to say okay, this is what is in front of you. Are you seeing it for what it is? Or are you going to make excuses, because you want it to be something other than what it is? Now that you've rediscovered your worth, are you going to lower your value and expend time and energy in situations that constrict you? That add stress to your head and heart? Or do you get it yet? Do you get that you can say no thank you, next. And move forward?

When you pay attention, life feels tailored just for you. The more I'm in-tune, and connected to my truth, the more I see the omens, the "coincidences", and the more amazing / hilarious it is.

2018 is almost over. I am over my heartbreak. I have thorns in my side, but I know the jabs will lessen. They won't always linger. They may not even jab one day.

This is it. This is the end to this chapter. I feel it. I want it. I call it into being. The next few weeks are all about purging, and setting new intentions. Getting specific, and deliberate.

Forward. Forward now. With purpose. With balls, with a warriors heartbeat. Figuring it out a day at a time...

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To be continued...


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One year later

One year. One year ago today my life blew up. It was instant. The loss happened so quickly, I was left gasping and scrambling. I am still processing. I am still very much grieving.

I made it through the year of firsts. Holidays. Birthdays. Every season. It's interesting what you think will hurt doesn't, and what sneaks up on you with a kick to the guts. Christmas was fine, but the Tulip Festival was another story. The closing of the old bowling alley, a certain hotel in Vegas changing it's name...confirmation that my old life was over.

It's been one year since we were all under the same roof.
It's been one year since there was a real face-to-face conversation.

For one year I've avoided almost all the old haunts.
I had no energy left to spare to enjoy a lot of the things I once enjoyed.
I spent a year without my roller skates.

I've spent a lot of time feeling broken. Foggy. Scared. Bullied. Feeling that a lot of what had been the most meaningful in my life was now for naught. Wondering if I am supposed to go on living. Missing my old self. Wishing for the confidence and creativity I once had to return. Feeling hopeless that they ever will.

Somehow, I kept pushing through, and had a lot of wonderful experiences, too. I found a new freedom I enjoyed. I made deep connections with incredible women who share similar stories.

I continue to work hard in therapy to heal from my trauma and PTSD. I am slowly, slowly making progress. Baby steps. Forward motion. Glimpses of my old strength are becoming more frequent, and the waves of anxiety are happening less. The decision to take control of my own healing in a situation that left me so hopeless has been empowering and crucial.

I have gotten over the pangs of both heartbreak and jealousy that would hit when I would see a baby out with both a mom, and a dad. I am working on getting over the pangs of both heartbreak and jealously that hit when I see an announcement of baby number two.

I have forced myself out of my shell and comfort zone, a ton. This has been one of the best things for me. I have met people I never would have met otherwise and have tried my hardest to learn from each person who has crossed my path, knowing that they were all placed there for a reason.

I took some inspiration recently from a woman who after experiencing loss said something like, "Option A isn't available. And if option A isn't available...then we're going to have to rock the shit out of option B." I am still wrapping my head and heart around the fact that yes, option A isn't available. But I'm feeling more optimistic that once I know what option B is, I can rock that.

I have met new men. It's been more of a social experiment for me than anything else, because I've never dated. I've been in a long term relationship since I was 19. I need to learn who I am around new men, and what I want. It's few and far between. Dating for me has been conversation, or food or a drink. I've had a year without romance in my life. And that's okay.

I slowly feel my creativity, focus, and spirituality coming back. Like sparks lighting up through my system...a tiny bit here and there at a time...slowly coming back online. Back to life. And I'd rather give myself time to see it through and feel the difference, than to jump off a bridge.

I am learning what boundaries I need, and how to begin to draw them.

I believe, with nothing but trust and some blind faith, that there is something more for me. I don't know what that means, or when I'll get there, but I know I'm not on this earth to be shattered and stopped at this point in the story. What if this is right when it's about to get good? I have to know.

And then of course, my boy. My boy. My boy. My world. My son. I am the most happy, grounded, myself, rooted in earth, and in my essence when I am being mother. I am not sad. I am not lost. I am fully present in each moment. I am dropped in, I am there. I am just as in awe of him as I have ever been, if not more so. I know there are big lessons he is here to teach me, big things he is here to do, and I am HIS mother for reasons I have yet to know. He is my joy and my balm.

I had never known what regret felt like until this year. But when I look at my son, I know it couldn't have all been for nothing because HE came from this. Little blonde being of light, life, and magic.

I have been thinking so much about this day as it approached. I didn't know how I'd feel, or what I'd want to say. I wanted to wake up in my full power, a sense of relief. Healed.

But instead I feel sad. I feel in time I'll be okay. That one day I will wake up that way.

But today I'm sad, and that's okay, too.


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April first.

Taking control of your healing.
Protecting your energy.
Nurturing your happiness in the face of whatever life is throwing your way.
That.

I was made to feel I wasn't entitled to my own happiness. 
I began to understand.
I would no longer cast my pearls before shells, rather than souls.

My world expands.
I've been given back to myself.

Spring strengthens me.

Many attempts have been made to clip my wings.
I refuse. 
Nobody gets to take them from me.

Hear me loud and clear when I roar the following...


My story will have a different ending. And that's okay. 


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A little bit sad.

I love this one...even though it will always make me a little bit sad. 

Online Dating.

Online dating? No. Never. Ever. Ever. Not. In. A. Million. Years. Ever. 

That was me...up until the end of October.

Over the course of my life, I've been proposed to three times. I took two of the three up on their offers. I had very little turn around time between husband one and two, which basically means that I'd been a married woman for about 10 years. Prior to that were two other somewhat significant co-habitating relationships which lasted for a couple of years each. This means I haven't been single since I was a teenager.

At seven months in, this is the longest I’ve ever been single. Imagine being in a relationship for all of your adult life, then bam! The unexpected happens, and there you are. A grown woman, and mother who has never dated. Suddenly, I am in unchartered territory...this including online dating. Women friends close in age who are happily married hear this, and clutch their husbands a little tighter. Horrified, they tell me they could never imagine being in my position, and couldn't possibly do it. I get it. I had the same reaction to stories of the unthinkable over the years.

I can totally remember hearing about something called match.com for the first time close to a decade or so ago. This was a place where you looked for a partner online! I thought that if people had to resort to this, then they must be totally and completely desperate. How sad for them. I also felt very lucky, if not a bit smug, because I would never need that sort of thing.

But here we are. And you better believe I had residual judgement coming with me into this new chapter of my life. But at almost three months into online dating, my thoughts about it are completely different than what I ever could have imagined.

I quickly learned that in 2018, having tinder and bumble is hardly different from having snapchat and instagram. Everybody's doing it. I've heard complaints of "hook-up culture", and the confusion of "hanging out" rather than legit dates. I'd gone out on a few set-ups which were complete duds (and ghosters). So, despite my nervousness about it, I knew I would need to take matters into my own hands. One night, I poured a glass of champagne and downloaded the first of the two.

I am going to be keeping my private life private for for now, but I will tell you what I’ve learned.

It is absolutely possible to meet men of quality online. Handome, successful, gentlemanly men. Yes, at times there is nonsense to weed through. Such as men reaching out who are completely inappropriate for you. Be it a man old enough to be your father (no), or a long time social media “friend” who feels he should now “take the opportunity to say something” (no). The countless men who fill my various inboxes with little more than a “hi”. No introduction, no questions, no effort to start an actual conversation (no). The men who will try more than once to contact me, even though I didn't reply to begin with (also no). The men who ask for a phone number in a first message (uh, NO).

But. There are the ones who are doing it right. Making an effort, and getting to know me both over social media, over text...and in real life.

I have to say that my situation is tricky, too. I am busy with mom duty most of the time, and rarely give it up unless my boy is away. So, to date me means respecting and working with that. But come on, everyone is busy, and it’s all very simple in the end. If a man wants to make an effort, he will. If a woman wants to make an effort, she will. Even if it’s going to be more slow-going with me than with women with older kids, or no kids at all. 

This also allows me to be extremely picky with who I give my rare free time to. I don’t have time for anything other than quality. I see myself through a new filter now, the filter of “Charlie’s Mother” and she can only accept the best.

But the greatest part I’ve realized, is that it’s put me into contact with men I would never normally meet! Our paths would otherwise never cross. It’s really opened my eyes and my mind that there are handsome, awesome guys everywhere and I had no idea. I had it in my head that the dating scene is bleak, options scarce, and  I would never be attracted to anyone ever again. But, it's actually been very positive! It lets you expand your world, and do it in a way that is far less time consuming than going out and about to put yourself in new settings and scenarios (which I also appreciate, don’t get me wrong. It’s just you know, all that stuff I said about a little toddler, and time).

Online dating has also made me relax. I’m a lot less rigid and scared of meeting new men, or men who want to meet me. I may accidentally swipe, or “super-like” someone that I didn’t mean to. But I find myself laughing about it, learning there is no harm in conversation, and everyone you brush paths with has something to teach you if you take a minute to let them. I'm also getting comfortable in my boundaries, being clear when I need to be, that it's a no. Clear communication is cool, ghosting is not.

I'm constantly learning more about what I do, and don't want. As I've gained experience and can compare, it's easy for me to see who I'm drawn to, and why. The why is important to me, as I want to be as smart as I can about this. I'm also able to learn and practice new skills that I hadn't had to before. It's been nice for me to build my confidence with dating, after feeling so low this summer. I don't know that I'm back at 100%, but I'm coming "back" more every day. And the only way to ensure this keeps happening, is forward momentum, and moving on with my life. 

I don’t know what the future has in store. I don’t have a single expectation at the moment. I honestly don’t. But what I do have, are the occasional butterflies, a nice evening with a nice guy, and something I hadn't felt in a really long time...hope.

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me, too

Written 1/7/2018

I’ve never posted about #metoo but after those POWERFUL Golden Globes tonight, I want to try to give words to what’s been swirling in me for months. First of all, I’ve learned I am incredibly lucky not to have a Me Too story to tell. I have never been a victim of sexual harassment or assault. Not in the way so many women have in the stories I’ve read. And for that, I’m SO fortunate. 

However, there are other ways men have wielded power over me, and I did NOT come out unscathed. I have encountered in my past privileged, entitled, holier-than-thou men who have never been stood up to. Who have never been told they’re wrong. Who have never been met with resistance. Who have never had a light shone on their weaknesses, to be faced and dealt with. Who have never owned up to their mistakes. Who never apologized for their mistreatment of women (me). Who never saw their mistreatment for what it was. And who always made sure I knew my place was under their rule and thumb. I first experienced this in my early 20’s. It would not be my last. I encountered men who tried to make me feel small, and question my own WORTH using fear tactics, threats...among other things. 

I’ve thought SO much about what a terribly sad disservice it’s been to these men, to have been brought up in a world where this behavior (and view of what a woman is in relation to them) is OKAY. In a household where this is OKAY. These days, as I move forward with a little man by my side, I’m constantly thinking about how I can make sure he is an integral part of this NEW wave. The new movement, and a part of the solution. My biggest hope is to preserve the softness, and sensitivities I see in him. To raise him to VALUE equality, empathy, compassion, and communication. To teach him that these things don’t make him less of a man, but a bigger and better person. To have respect for his fellow man/woman/human. And to know the inherent difference between right and wrong. 

The unity and the POWER of women right now is palpable. I can almost reach right out and touch the momentum. It has reminded me I am not alone. I am not small. And makes the ground under me feel a little more solid on days I still may wobble.


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"Part of what keeps you sitting in that chair in that room enduring harassment or abuse from a man in power is that, as a woman, you have rarely seen another end for yourself. In the novels you’ve read, in the films you’ve seen, in the stories you’ve been told since birth, the women so frequently meet disastrous ends."

-  The economics of consent by Brit Marling 

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