Like riches.

It’s been a minute. In the notes on my phone are eight blog posts since my last published post here. Some are done, others are not. I re-read them, and they are all relevant, but at this point, I’m not sure they’ll make it over here. 

Time. Is. Magic. It speeds, it slows, I can almost reach right out and touch it these days. Time. Is. Funny. You tell yourself you’re absolutely certain of one thing, and then eternity happens to you in just six months. 

So here we are. Six months since my life changed, and an eternity behind me. You don’t know how it will happen, but one day you wake up ready to heal. Ready to move on. Out of love for real, and excited to open yourself (and your heart) to all the new possibilities that lay before you like riches. One day you realize that while you were busy dismantling your old life, the fabric of your new one was weaving in and out. Intertwining, building quickly, and solidly under you...ready to catch you long before you knew you were ready.

And to leave meant to replenish. 

So one day you just wake up, ready. And okay. And whole again. And happy. And even lucky. 

And you are reminded of something you already knew to be true. That when you tell the universe you’re ready, and ask for the next phase, she delivers. I can almost hear it. The woosh as she ushers out the old, and sweeps in the new. 

It’s the next act. Here are the new players. Begin. 

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Struck today.

I've been anxiously awaiting the announcement of Lucky Blue & Stormi Bree's baby. When it popped up this morning, I did not expect to have the reaction I've had. Full body sobs. In waves, I am rocked hard. I swear I can feel my heart breaking in my chest. I can FEEL it. Overcome with a grief, a love, and a special kind of nostalgia that only a mother can know. Like death, you can never understand birth until you have experienced it. There is a beautiful and devastating permanence in both. In the midst of my breakup, I grieve. I grieve the potential of what could have been. I grieve the incredible experience of the birth of my son. I look at this photo, at this moment, and I know that moment. I am sad that moment for me was so fleeting. This moment is precipice. A new life lies ahead. I am sad for those who will soon find out how hard it could be, and who will be crushed by it. I am envious of those who will stay together, and be strengthened by it, and those who will get it again. I have so many wishes. I wish he would have had patience. I wish he would have seen me through. I wish he would have comforted me when I needed it, and been a source of emotional strength. I wish I could have explored with him deeply and openly conversations of how I experienced pregnancy, childbirth, post partum anxiety, parenting styles, my mother's instinct, second babies, timelines, hormones. Hormones, who only let me begin my return to myself after a year. I envy you with men who don't claim to understand, but those who give you time. Who give you room. Who let you breathe. Who let you talk about, until it is all out, who make you feel loved, not scolded, or hurried. I see this photo, and I remember the feeling of having it all. I was full, I was complete. It is a stark contrast to how I feel these days. A new sense of freedom, yes. But also a strange loneliness. Our son now 16 months. And I still feel that it is so very much at the beginning. And that this is all such a shame. We only got 6 months in our new house together, 2 of which he spent moved out anyway. How was this an honest attempt for us? What is wrong with admitting fault? Working hard? Therapy? Communication? I am still trying to process and reconcile so much of the last couple of years. I will forever be haunted that the last time my former love and I were under the same roof, I was called names, scared, trapped, and I will never forget the way his face would change as he yelled. "I wish I had never met you" he said. "I am mad at him", he said of the baby. I will be haunted forever that he didn't want to try. To work through his demons, our marriage, and fight for our commitment. I will forever be haunted by baby Rosemary, who was supposed to come next, and never will. My body feels hollow now. I don't understand why this happened, as I am in the throes of it. I don't understand how I started with so much love, and ended with so much fear. I am left wondering if I was just something on a checklist as he rushed his way through, a hurried imitation of a life he thought he was supposed to have. I am open, wounded, and sad. I'd waited so long. To find the one person I ever wanted any of this with. For the point in my life where taking a break from work in order to be with at home with a baby was welcome. Loss. So much loss. It's enough to drive a weaker soul mad. I can't stop looking at this photo. There is a bittersweet universe that opened up in me upon seeing it. Of all I had, have, and will never have. 

To those who have been here, how do you get through?

How??

Progress weeks 37 - 40! ANY DAY NOW!

Our due date has come and gone. Saturday March 12 marked 40 weeks, and no sign of the baby. From the start I haven't been one of those women who had it all riding on that magic date. It's been fun to count down, but I've always known that it's going to happen around that date, give or take. My instincts also turned out to be wrong once again, too. Remember how I was sure he'd come early after my dreams that he did? Ha. Pregnancy has been nothing like I thought, and so full of surprises.

I've talked about how small my bump was through pregnancy, and how it even caused a little concern. I never measured where I should, always weeks behind. An ultrasound at 32 weeks brought peace of mind that he was okay, just a little on the small side. Well, somewhere between weeks 36 - 37 he had a growth spurt, and my week 37 appointment was the first time I measured just where I should! Obviously the health of my baby is always the #1 priority, but it was kinda nice not to have to deal with a large bump up until the final month. This is the month I truly feel pregnant. Strangers can finally ask me when I'm due, confident that yes I am a pregnant woman! I can't believe the changes at the end. I didn't expect him to grow like this after planning for the arrival of our tiny guy, and for my bump to change so much!

I've had a smooth pregnancy, and despite feeling a little uncomfortable at times with this out of proportion tummy,  I basically feel fine. I found that trying to rest in these final weeks doesn't really work for me. There is no such thing as forcing myself to relax, or storing it up for later when it's not needed yet. Staying on the busier side and keeping distracted is much healthier for me. Otherwise I can't stand the wait, and my mind goes a million miles an hour. I still haven't learned the patience I'd hoped to learn.

The blog here continues to be the place where I can let it all out, and leave it. I want to purge it and I want to share my journey, but I don't always feel comfortable with discussing the details across all social media. Mostly because this still continues to feel like the biggest and most personal thing I could ever imagine going through, and I can't stand the (unasked for) opinions. I just want to share. I don't want an opinion, a story, a suggestion, advice, or a comparison. Now there ARE exceptions to this. If I know you really well or if I'm asking you. But generally, if you want to send anything my way, just make it support!

I do have an end date in site, now. I'll go in to be induced the night of March 20th if he hasn't come on his own by then. This was yet another surprise. We've been preparing for a little pisces to come to us, and now we're looking at a very real possibility we're getting an aries (my husband and I are both aries and have jokingly been saying the last thing we need is a third in the house)!

A non stress test this morning showed he is doing great. I'm just so anxious to meet him I can't even stand or explain it. I NEVER thought I'd look forward to birth like this.

So, chances are I'll be pregnant one more week. I'm definitely not going to be a woman who will miss pregnancy. It's too stressful for me to not be able to see him with my own eyes, and touch him with my own hands. I can't wait for the pregnancy journey to be over.

Here are the final images, through week 40! Although I may have that bonus week #41 to post next saturday at the rate things are going. He just likes living in my tummy way too much!


weeks 26-32
weeks 21-25
pre-pregnancy - week 20 



Check out the crazy difference before and after his growth spurt!

And week by week:

The final image is actually 40 weeks and 2 days to be exact, but who's counting?

Thanks for reading, 

Deena Marie