And our baby's name is…!

I'm often amazed by the talented and generous people who have come into my life from my endeavors over the years. A year ago I met an incredible artist, Geri Cordova. When she heard I was pregnant she wanted to do something for our baby. We began messaging and I told her all of the things my husband Matt was into, his favorite colors, and what we were naming our son.

Today she sent me pictures of the finished product. I can't tell you how deeply touched I am by her work. These are absolutely magical. And seeing his name like that…speechless.

We've had our names picked out for a couple of years now. Our boy name, and our girl name. It was actually Matt's idea. I'll never forget how I felt when he suggested Charles for a boy.

If you've followed me here, you know how life changing the death of my uncle was in spring of 2012. It was the beginning of an awakening, transformation, and life overhaul for me. Named after Charles Bowden who was known as Chuck, I can't wait to meet our Charles Rex Wride in March, who will be known as Charlie.

Thank you, Geri! Charlie is already SO lucky!

If you're not familiar with her work, she is a full time artist! Her work is on walls of businesses and homes all around town, and her signature painted shoes. Give her a call and get her creativity in your life!

*Charlie's middle name Rex is after Matt's late Grandpa!

~ Deena Marie

Avenues Adventure!

Last week I spent an evening touring the beautiful new homes at Avenues at The Station by Oakwood Homes. It was a small group of us invited for the night, and included two of my favorite girls!

Kat Romrell (left) Jaci Twiss (right)

Can you believe we all matched like this, completely unplanned?


Here's the funny thing about this event. My husband and I are already in love with Station Park. We go up quite a bit and since the weather has been particularly nice for this time of year, we've spent the last three Saturdays sitting outside on the cozy couches by the fountain, sipping a Fiiz drink and relaxing for a couple of hours before we shop and have lunch up there.

One of my favorite restaurants at Station Park is Twigs Bistro, I went for the first time last March for my birthday dinner. So I was excited to hear that our dinner at the event was going to come from Twigs. We met in the first of the five model homes we would tour, and started off with appetizers and placed our dinner order. Penne chicken pasta for me.

I've been to a couple of Oakwood events and this just may have been the best yet. The timing for this one was perfect. We are talking about a house fairly soon in our (hopefully not too distant) future what with the baby on the way, and it was fun to see what's developing in a favorite area of ours.

I'm always impressed with what is included in an Oakwood home as far as the various layouts, and the options. So many of the details are customizable. The options really are endless. Each of the five model homes we toured were stunning and impeccably decorated. Each varied in square footage, but the way they were laid out, they always seemed spacious. The high ceilings, windows, and decks also add to the feel of lots of light and room.

It's mine & my husbands dream to have a video game room! I died when I saw this!

And of course the first picture I even took was of a nursery! Look how cozy.


These definitely have more of an urban, city vibe. But you truly can design it to customize your needs. Young couples, couples with kids, empty nesters, mother-in-law-apartments, you name it.

It's so much fun to go get ideas of how you'd love your own dream home laid out, not to mention color scheme and decor ideas!

Our delicious dinner happened in the beautiful dining area of the fourth home, and by the time we got to the fifth home for desert, the feeling was mutual, we were all in love with the beautiful homes. We were not ready to leave!

The Oakwood team truly is incredible. They are so nice, they take time to chat and get to know you, and are nothing but genuine as they show off each gorgeous space. We had a blast with them. It was not only a comfortable way to see the homes, but a luxurious one as well.

The other thing that is still blowing my mind is the price! For such a great area (within walking distance to shops and dining at Station Park, close to public transit and freeways) and brand new homes, you'd think the pricing would be nuts. But guess what? Almost all are under 300K. WHAT?! Unheard of. Trust me, we've been looking!

I came away from the night feeling like the possibilities are endless for how we'll create our future home, and new ideas to define what the space of a home will mean for us and our future babe.

If it were up to me, we'd be up there in a heartbeat. Seriously. Now to work on the husband…

Than you, Oakwood for another amazing event!

Deena Marie

Hello Honey Bunny

When I was little I was given a stuffed bunny that I named Melissa. She went everywhere with me. There are many childhood photos of her zipped up in my coat right along with me. I did chores and earned money to save up for a second bunny. Soon I had also had Gina. As an only chid, these two were now my sisters. I told friends I actually did have two sisters. I'm sure they wondered why they never met them!

Naturally, I've always loved anything to do with bunnies, and just look how cute this makeup bag from Sugarhouse shop Got Beauty is! A perfect little pouch for my NYX gloss obsession (that's another post). Or whatever your makeup obsession may be. $20, and a great gift idea for a girlie girl in your life. There are other designs and sizes as well. Pop in the shop, or hop online, quick! Like a bunny. 

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~DM

Pregnancy Boundaries

Before I got pregnant I blogged about how inappropriate people can be by asking when you're going to have a baby. I always found it offensive because A.) It's none of their business. B.) It's asking about your sex life, if your finances are in order, if you and your partner are mentally and emotionally ready and on the same page for a baby. C.) It assumes you are able to get pregnant at all. Maybe you have already have been trying without success, or maybe you have experienced miscarriages. People don't stop to think that those thing might be a possibility. Not to mention there's no way to know when someone (who even wants to) will get pregnant. Maybe the first try, maybe the fiftieth.

So fast forward, here I am. I'll be six months pregnant next wednesday.

I've talked a lot about being an HSP (highly sensitive person) and I think pregnancy heightens this a bit for me, but I do find myself easily offended while pregnant.

I may be in the public eye. I may perform. I may be on tv. I may be in magazines. I may have jobs that require an audience. However, this does not mean that I am always comfortable with all eyes on me. Especially outside of work. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart that feel fiercely intimate, and that I feel protective and private over. Having a baby, making a human with the one I love, growing him inside of my body feels like the most intimate thing I could ever do publicly. It's funny because we talk about acting as "doing something private in public" but this feels even more so. I didn't know I would feel like this. I didn't know how exposed and vulnerable I would feel.

The strangest thing is that it is a time of a woman's life where people seem to think all bets are off. It is a time of nonstop commenting on the body. You don't look pregnant, you do look pregnant, let me see, are you showing, etc. They give you unsolicited advice. The overpower your conversation to tell you what they or so-and-so in their family did or didn't do. They touch without permission. They compare what you look like to their pregnancies or so-and-so's pregnancy. You look smaller, you look bigger. Everyone has something to say about your body. Never (or rarely), at any other time of life would this be acceptable.

Could you even imagine behaving this way around any other woman who is not pregnant?

I have often felt on display, to be discussed, poked and prodded.

I don't like it. I don't like feeling like a spectacle. I don't like the unwanted comments on how my body may or may not be changing, or the touching. And some days I've just had enough and it becomes overwhelming.

Let me be. Obviously I'm pregnant. This we all know. I'm going to look however I'm going to look whenever my body does whatever it's going to do. I'm healthy, I'm happy, I couldn't be more excited about it. But just remember that it's mine. My body, my pregnancy. My baby with my husband. It's personal. My entire experience is valid, and my experience is unique to me. I don't need my experience or body discussed as if I'm not a human with feelings, nor do I need to be compared with anyone else.

Please remember that pregnant women are moody, hormonal, and have mama bear instincts kicking in already. If I ask you for advice, if I offer to show you how my tummy is coming along, then that's one thing. Otherwise, maybe keep comments (and hands) to yourself, other than just offering your words of general support and / or excitement?

Just as you would at any other time, and just like you would want at any given time, remember this one word.

Boundaries.

Right after I wrote this, I was sent an amazing article by a friend who is also expecting her first, six weeks after me. These words were perfect:

"… pregnant women constantly hear comments, often contradictory, about how big or small they are, says ob-gyn Laurie Gregg of Sacramento, California. "Patients never come in saying they think they're just the right size," says Gregg. "They always think they're too big or too small." Despite what her pregnant patients are hearing, Gregg says most of the time they're just the size they should be. "I'm fascinated that society can't tell a pregnant woman she looks just right," says Gregg. "We need to tell women they're looking good."

Full article here.  

Thank you for reading, and thank you for all the love and support you've shown me and my family! :)


DM

Christmas shopping AND a contest!

Want to win a $100 gift card to Trolley Square? I'll tell you how, keep reading! 

Last night I got to attend one of my favorite blogging events for the second year in a row at Trolley Square. We kicked off the night with dinner at Rodizio Grill. I went to an event at Rodizio over the summer and was nervous I might not find much I could eat, since I only eat chicken and turkey and I'm very picky about either of those. What I didn't expect was how amazing their salad bar was! So much to choose from, and so surprisingly vegetarian friendly that this time I was able to take my vegetarian husband with me, knowing he'd love it.

We loaded up on various salads, breads, cold pastas, and tasty sides like mashed potatoes and warm pasta. There was also soup, fruit, and many other things we didn't even get to this time. We probably should have stopped after the first plate, but it's impossible. The sweet and sour chicken they brought out was tasty, too. If you are a meat eater, you've got so much to choose from! Chicken, red meat, pork, shrimp, meat wrapped in bacon, the list goes on.

Once we were stuffed, it was time to shop! It's not hard to have a shopping spree at Trolley Square, although this year was different since we've got our baby on the way (in one week I'll be six months)! This time we went straight to Pottery Barn Kids, with the fun of shopping being first and foremost for the baby.

Neither of us had ever been in before, and we spent a good half an hour there. From day one, Matt has been so amazing and thoughtful at preparing for and picking things out for our boy. He is going to be one incredible dad. Look at some of his finds!

A sun hat & diaper cover for a summer vacation his family is planning.

A matching hooded towel.

I picked out the coziest blanket. And Matt also found the cutest sippy cup for when he's older with the initial of his first name on it. I haven't revealed his name publicly yet, so I'm not going to post that one.

We also have our eye on a solar system mobile. Unfortunately it was out of stock, and while they ship, we figured we'd wait and go back anyway. Such cool stuff for both boys and girls. Including some awesome unicorn items in the girls section I had to go peek at!

We also got a couple of things for us at Williams Sonoma. Matt got kitchen items and I got yummies to take with us out of town for Thanksgiving. Their treat samples and hot cider are ridiculously good. I can't stop thinking about the cider and might need to go back.

We finished off the night at Spark. I love the sweater and bag I got there last year, so I was excited to go back. I got another sweater that I can wear as the baby bump grows and a new necklace / earrings.

Trolley Square is all decked out for the holiday season, and it makes it super cozy to shop! Just look.

After last night I truly feel the holiday season is here! It was fun to get started, get excited, and also meet so many other fabulous bloggers. It must be baby season because so many were expecting babies as well! It was awesome to get to talk to them about how far along, boy or girl, etc.

We've only got a little over a month until Christmas. What?! I highly suggest checking out the completely different and unique shops at Trolley Square!


AND. If you head over to Trolley, snap and post a photo on your instagam or Facebook with the hashtag #mytrolleysquare you just might win one of the $100 gift cards they're giving away weekly now - Christmas! 


Happy Holidays!


DM

HALFWAY!

The way life can completely change within only one year is mind blowing. Every so often, an entire lifetime is crammed into just one year. I've only experienced this one other time, in 2012. It's was then and is now, a complete rebirth. Here we are in 2015, with a lifetime having taken place in the last 11 months. And once again, it's leaving me completely and forever altered. Only this time, my life is being added to. Things aren't being taken away from. Everything balances out over time. My year of great loss has lead me to my year of great gain. I'm halfway through my pregnancy. I'm 21 weeks along as of yesterday. The 20 week ultrasound was a game changer. Finding out the gender early (late August) gave us plenty of time for things to sink in. We went from thinking we were having a girl to being so in love with our son that my eyes well up with tears every time I think about him. Which is all the time. I feel it in my bones, this was exactly as it was meant to be. He is exactly who is meant to come to us. This also meant that by the time we had our 20 ultrasound and saw him so clearly, I already knew who was in there. What a change from the first ultrasound two months prior, when I my feeling was overwhelmingly, "who is that?" This time, I knew him. It was a long appointment. One where I felt like I got to spend the afternoon with him. I got to hang out with him. And I know him now. It's taken me to a very spiritual and deep place with him. The most mind blowing this about this, something I never could have guessed would happen, is how it feels to have a soul inside me. It is the most profound, divine, spiritual experience I never knew existed. Another soul. My son's soul is in my body. It is only temporary. We are in the same body for only four and a half more months. For some reason, through this pregnancy, I have not been scared of the pain of childbirth. This was something I feared my entire life. Then I got pregnant, and it just seemed like something I could do. Or I should say, something I was suddenly willing to do. Even more so now. I'll do whatever it takes to protect this soul and bring him to the world safely. Below are pictures of me through January 2015 - now. What transformation. What rebirth. In every sense of the word. He's forever changed me already. 

Jnuary 2015. I'd been sick and hadn't had much of an appetite. I'm not quite this thin all the time.

This is my regular pre-pregnant body. I started documenting at the beginning of the year in hopes that this was the year I'd be pregnant.

My first attempt at a picture to document any changes. I wasn't seeing much yet, but weeks 15 - 17 brought the first of the changes. 

Something's happening!

And to think I thought this was big! This was the last I saw of any abs or hipbones! Bye bye, hope to see you again someday! 

And here we are. A few blogs back I wrote about my fear of losing my pre-baby body, just when I'd come to be a woman who loves and appreciates her body. I find myself having struggles from time to time, but I'm slowly learning to appreciate what my body is capable of. This becomes easier as time goes on and things get more real. Life is pretty incredible. The fact that I'm here at this time, that I met my husband, that he loved me back, that we made a life. It just doesn't get any more powerful than that.  Because we chose to try to (and were able to) have a baby, this specific life is coming into being at this specific time. I am the vessel to bring him here. Because of my specific parents and my mother being the vessel, I get to be here. I want to savor every moment of this, but I also want to see him in person so badly I can't stand it. It's like being little and waiting for Christmas. Times a million.

I have chosen not to share ultrasound photos, because I feel way too protective. I am constantly torn every time I talk about my pregnancy on social media, because so many people I don't know have something to say (it's almost always good), but I feel so private and protective of him, and this time. I'm not interested in unsolicited advice (unless I know, love, and trust you). I'm not interested in the "but just wait until you…" since this is my journey, I am where I am each day, and I am choosing to to savor each moment of my journey at a time. All of this experience is extremely valid, and extremely personal, as I live it for the first time each new day.  I'm torn between wanting to share the things that seemed like such a mystery before I was a mom-to-be, and not wanting to say a word.

We'll see how it goes. 

DM 

My First "Baby".

I'm 17 weeks pregnant as of yesterday.

Lately I find myself experiencing a tighter bond with my pup, Noodles, than ever before. I didn't think that was possible. I always miss him when I'm away. I am always excited to see him when I come home. Those things still exist, just magnified. I am a bit more aware of his mortality, though I try to shove those thoughts away. I want to believe that he will always be this happy, healthy, energetic, and a part of my life.

It's like I am seeing him clearer than ever before. I truly see him. I see what he does for me. I am in awe over the protection and comfort he gives me. It is never ending and completely unwavering. I can't believe his ability to be this way. Words fail me. He is incredible. He is on another level, more enlightened than any human I've ever known. No human will ever give me quite what only he can. 

When I call him baby, or pup, it's never felt quite right. I mean he is to the outside, but I've known him forever. We've always been together, and in so many forms. Maybe we've been everything to each other. He feels far too old a soul, and the reincarnation of too many forms to be called those things. 

I'm not sure why I feel the spiritual connection with him is so palpable at the moment. I don't know why I am so open to it. I'm not sure if it's because we're in the final five months of it just being us? Because he'll soon share me with a baby? So things are heightened, he is showing me what he is? 

I can't stop snuggling, petting, and kissing him. I need him, and I can't imagine one day I'll have to figure out life without him. I can't. 

How will things change when the baby is here? Will he pull away? Will he be okay? Will he only heighten in his love, protection and care of the both of us? Is something telling me to experience and savor, because it's all about to change? 

One thing I am most excited about is that the baby gets to grow up with Noodles in his life. What a lucky, lucky baby.

DM

To love more.

I never thought I'd love anything more than my career.
Than being on a stage.
Than acting.
Than creating. A name for myself. Art.
I never thought I'd love anything more than I loved myself.
Then I met my husband.
I became his wife.
I loved him more.
More than work.
More than me.
Now that we're bringing a baby into the mix,
I can't imagine that there was ever a time where work was the cap.
It. 
No matter how life changing and
transformative moments on the stage have been,
there's so much more! 
I had no idea the levels that were still out there to reach.
I can't believe how much more there is left to experience.
Yet another beginning.
I am not the same.
I haven't seen anything yet.




DM

In case I never see you again...

Too many women spend too much time hating on their bodies. I used to be one. When I was 19 I had a an eating disorder, and didn't get my period for months. I simply was not eating. My case was not the norm. I never had a weight problem, I was just so bombarded with the media telling me to be skinny (and too young to know better) that I figured whatever I was wasn't good enough. That if everyone had to be skinny, that must mean I should be skinnier. I remember wearing my new coat that winter, and thanks to my newfound body dysmorphia, I chose to freeze rather than attempt zipping it up. I was convinced it wouldn't fit. A year or two later when I tried it, it zipped of course, with plenty of room to spare. I was small to begin with, and even smaller at the time.

Soon after, I moved to NYC. I rebelled. I'd drink many sugary alcoholic drinks in the evening and end the night with a giant burrito. I'd start the next morning with a caramel macchiato and cinnamon coffee cake. I stuffed myself. My diet had never been so out of control. I felt myself purposely rebelling, and for the first time in my life, I gained weight. I remember going home that first Christmas, excited to get more of my clothes to take back with me, only nothing fit. Luckily my break was long, I spent time working out, and the weight began to shed. It came off completely over the next few months. It was short lived.

I spent much of my youth a perfectionist. Over the years I slowly eased up on myself. I would was still aware of what I was putting into my body, but over time I stopped counting calories and restricting. In fact, the last few years I've paid no attention whatsoever. As in I just eat what I want when I want (just not out of control like in NYC). I'm no longer worried about it. I just live my life. I love food. I love sweets. And I've realized how lucky I am. I don't have a weight issue. I stay fairly small, and fairly the same. I don't have to stress about calories, and I don't have to be a slave in the gym.

Over the years I've come to appreciate my body. It's what houses my soul, and lets me experience this life. I saw loved ones pass away, and felt honored to still be here in the healthy body I'd been dealt. Thank you, body. I met the love of my life, and felt humbled I am in a body right now on earth to meet him and experience this love. Thank you, body. I got pregnant. Our son is growing in me right now. I am creating life. Thank you, body.

But. Will I be okay if I never see my old body again? What does pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery have in store for me? Will I look the same? What if I don't? I didn't gain any weight during my first trimester, but it's coming. How will I feel? It's the first time in my life in years (while I'm aware of the miracle that is happening) that I feel out of control over my body, and what's in store feels foreign. I admit, it's a little scary. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel concerned about impeding weight gain and body changes, and I'm also sad at how shallow this worry is. It's strange. On one hand, I never knew life could feel this elevated, magical, and right. It's another level. On the other hand, I don't know yet how to wrap my head around this fear of what's to come.

I'm full of contradictions. I want to see it. I want to see my bump. I want to know the baby is growing, and feel him move. But what will I really look like?

What if I don't feel comfortable in my own skin? 
What if I don't feel like myself? 

I know all is temporary. It's already going by so quickly. I do think I'm good at accepting. I've been so grateful for my body as I've gotten older, I hope it's tenfold once I truly experience what it's going to do for myself and my husband.

So, I wanted a place to document the old me. The me that I've been for (almost) all of my life this far. I swear I'm not trying to be annoying, or self indulgent, or brag. I just want to remember, in case I never see this me again.

Maybe I'm scared to lose what I finally learned to love so much.

I don't believe in regret, but if I did, it would be that I didn't always love and appreciate my body throughout my entire life. I hope and long for this to carry forward into the unknown.

Winter 2015, I had been sick and hadn't been able to eat much. 

Summer 2015 

                                                                    Summer 2015

                                                                       May 2015

                                                                      May 2015

                                                                    August 2015




DM

Flash back / forward

I didn't always know I wanted to be a mom. I didn't grow up knowing it was in my future, or dreaming of the day it would happen. I never felt a strong desire for a child in any long term relationship I was in. If anything, I was confused about it. I thought that I should want it, and almost felt bad that I couldn't truly say I did.

When I met my husband everything changed. Not only was he the first man I'd ever been with to tell me how much he wanted it, and wanted it with me, but he'd point to moms with their babies and whisper, "that's going to be you." Chills would run through me.

Because it was him, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. There was no confusion. There was no question. There was no lack of desire. It was simply there. It was simply what we would do.

Isn't it always so crazy to look back, before you known what's in store for your journey?

We wrote our own wedding vows. They were stunning. In mine I started with the first time I saw him. Around 4 & 1/2 years ago now. I was in a zumba class and he walked by. I noticed 1.) How tall he was 2.) That he was the most good looking man I'd ever seen. I mean, double take. Close to running out of class to get another look. I thought to myself how if he were to walk by again, I would in fact leave to get a peek.

It would be another few months before our paths crossed again. I remember that second encounter just as clearly. Our eyes meeting in a mirror. I believe in love at first sight. It may not be quite as literal as it sounds, but there is something that can (does, and did) happen that's very close. It's electric and it's instant and it's unmistakable. It would be awhile before our timing was right, but years later I'd learn it was always him. Only him. The only person I've really truly loved.

What if I could have had a flash of our future at either encounter #1 or #2? What if I would have been able to see, or if I could have just known that he that would be my husband. My love. The handsome man who walked past zumba was it. The one I locked eyes with in the mirror was him. The father of my baby. That one day, years later we'd be seeing our first ultrasound together. Picking out clothes. Naming our baby. Adding a little human, half of each of us to the world.

I would have never believed it. Yet it's the most natural thing in the world.



Deena Marie

It's A Boy!

IT'S A BOY!

Two weeks ago today, we found out the gender. First read my previous post, Positive, on the day I found out I was pregnant. I talk about how I was certain it would be a girl. My husband was, too. For the last two years we've talked about our future daughter as if we just knew, and there was no other option. We were surprised to find out there were optional screening tests you could do early (end of the first trimester) that would pick up the chromosomes to reveal the gender. I have strong intuition and I could feel it was a she. I would have bet anything on it. Imagine my surprise when I answered the phone the day my results were in. The Dr. was calling with good news, all is well and the baby is healthy. I'd been on the edge of my seat until I heard those words. Then she asked if I was ready for the gender. I said yes, and she said it was a boy! 

I'll never understand how my gut feeling could be so off, and I didn't know what my husband would say when I called him to tell him we were wrong. But his reaction was one of the most special things I've ever experienced. Thinking about it still chokes me up. I spent the day shocked. Never disappointed, just mind blown that we were wrong. I never saw this in my future. I never pictured a boy. But over the next few hours I started to realize that this surprise came to us because we needed it. It's what is meant to be. Whoever is supposed to come to us, to be our baby, to be alive at this time is who needs to be. The shock's now worn off and we've already started our collection of little boy onesies, bibs, blankets, and toys!

We're getting a son! I can't wait to meet him. I already love him. I want to hold him and kiss him and smell him right now. Our boy. Yet at the same time I don't want a single day of this to be rushed. In six months we'll have him! It's already flying by and I want to savor every single moment. 

He has a name, and hearing it out loud feels like pure magic. 

Photos: Lauren's Photography (straight out of the camera, I was too excited and impatient for edits!)

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POSITIVE

Now that we've officially announced the news, I can start blogging about it!

I found out I was pregnant on July 18th. It was one of the most surreal days of my life. I've now said that about the day we saw our baby on the ultrasound, and again when we found out the gender. I want to share my journey because as I was hoping to embark on it, I often felt so in the dark. I couldn't always find the answers I wanted, or the hope. I mean, just read my previous posts for yoU Magazine, Are You Pregnant Yet? and The Women We Don't Speak Of.  

But first things first. Let's start with that day the test was positive.



July 18, 2015.

And just like that, everything has changed. It happens in a split second. So simple and so profound at the same time. Everything that had worried you before,

it's taking forever
will I ever get pregnant
what If I can't
how many pregnancy tests will I have to buy
when do I get a positive 
when do I get to tell my husband 
when 
when 
when 

Is simply over. Gone. You instantly feel your entire world shift. 

July 18, 2015 the test was positive. I was so one hundred percent ready to see the negative, that I truly didn't believe my eyes as I watched the two lines appear this time. I couldn't comprehend it. I was so confused. My fantasy of telling my husband in a cute and calm way was forgotten. I called him right away, breathless, heart pounding, "I think I'm pregnant". I'm not even sure what else I said. I kept thinking this positive sign might mean I am. I think it's telling me I am. Maybe.

I kept thinking I'd know I was pregnant before a test told me. I'd feel it. But it was a total surprise. I'd also taken a test on July 4th that was negative. I wasn't even nervous watching the results this next time, because I was sure it was just another wasted test. I was actually holding off because I was getting sick of spending money on tests. I called my mom next. I spent the day in a total daze. Late afternoon it started to sink in a little more. This was Saturday. Saturday and Sunday I was so distracted. How do I go back to my old life? How do I see anyone if I'm not able to mention anything? How would I just talk about the same old stuff? It's real. It's really happening. Yet it still feels so surreal.

I feel so excited. I feel a female energy. I'll be surprised if she's a he. My first thought, "she's here." I also feel all sorts of worried. I want her safe, I want her healthy, and I want to know that she is okay right this second. I'm anxious, I'm bursting, I want to shout it from the rooftops.

I've had the coolest life up until now. I've gotten to do so many amazing things. I've felt so lucky and so satisfied in what I've done for so long. I've longed for this next phase. Something to take me outside of myself. It was time.

It was time.



*I had 5 negative months before my positive. Six negative tests total if you count the one I took two weeks before my positive. I know in hindsight it was a short amount of time, and I'm lucky. But the negatives can sure play mental and emotional games with a woman. 


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The heaviness.

There's a quote of mine years back on this blog, "Time heals all wounds, even if it takes ten years."

There is a heaviness I carry with me. It has become a part of me. Sometimes it feels like too big a part, and I wonder when it will lift. I'm dying for it to lift. I'm a broken record. I'm talking again about 2012. I'm still haunted. I'm still sad. I'm still mad. I hate 2012. I feel like if that year hadn't happened I would feel so incredibly whole. Healed. Probably completely happy. Or the closest to a regular state of happy I could imagine. The things that happened through that year altered everything. I feel ripped up. Sewn together, but carelessly. The seams still split. I didn't come out the same. Things didn't come out completely right. It flares up from time to time. Sometimes it feels like all the time. I hate the things I had to endure. I hate the things I had to survive. Hate, hate, hate, and I want to scream it out! I am not over it. I am not ready to be, I suppose. So here it stays. It hovers. It remains.

These days I feel like my heart takes up my entire chest. My entire being. It is so full of the heavy, and the happy, and love. Love flows through me like I never knew it could. It feels free, it feels good, it used to scare me but not so much anymore. Now I just let it be. I let myself love. I love through the heavy. Parallels, juxtaposition, opposites.

Exhausted from feeling and loving and the heavy and waiting on time.

Life hacks

Recently I've learned


One persons no is another persons yes
If it doesn't exist yet, create it
Know your worth
Draw healthy boundaries
Know when to persist
Know when to move on


Don't chase people who want to leave,
they make room for the right ones to enter
Let go gracefully


"No one would harm another human being unless they were confused. Fear is the cause of all confusion." - Byron Katie


I only have room for love, and for the ones who love me back.

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Last night

The sudden summer storm outside feels like it's trying to tell me something.
Like something is about to happen.
The book I am reading is one of the best I've read in years, and I'm thinking and feeling in poetry.
When he comes home from work, he looks at me in a way that makes me feel he really sees me.
Sees into me. More so than he has in awhile.
It's been a busy time, and now I've been seen.
"My heart is going to crack wide open" I think.
It's almost too much. My eyes fill with tears. I pull away.
Later there is a moment nearly silent, except for the storm where slightly suspended,
I feel myself expand into one with everything,
And I breath in sync with all that is.
Fleetingly tapped into truth.
As we're falling asleep, I think about different versions of us that no longer exist.
How do we say goodbye? How do we make peace we'll never know them again?
How soon this version of us will no longer exist.
We're constantly looking back on "the best days of our lives."
People live in a state of perpetual perfection, yet we're always wanting something different.