It's none of your business, but I'm writing this anyway.

Against what might be my better judgement, I've decided to (finally) write this post.

I was in a relationship for years.  A lot of people in town know us.  They knew us together.  I don't know what they thought of the split.  Surprise? Probably.  Because publicly, we only shared the good.  Who doesn't? Who wouldn't? What I didn't share then, what he didn't share then, what I don't share now, what he doesn't share now, is because it's nobody's business.

I guess some people do share the good, bad, and the details every step of the way, but I don't.  He doesn't.  I think I can safely say that neither of us every will.

I should tell you right away that the last two years of my life have been huge.  Forever life changing.  I've been through a lot and I am simply not the same.  2012 was the worst year of my life.  At times, I thought I wanted to die.  I thought I just might.  I even thought of ways, locations, and certain dates that might work for my departure.  I felt done.  I have never fully disclosed everything that had gone on for me.  I don't think I ever will.  But I've never felt so down.  I'ver never been so close to that kind of despair.

In a nutshell, I decided instead to save myself.

I am doing my best to live my truth.  There also happens to be a lot of that truth I AM sharing with all of you.  I'm happy, you guys.  I'm truly the happiest I've ever been, and I want to tell the world.

In fact, I struggled for quite awhile (and still do from time to time if I'm honest) to accept I can and deserve to be this happy.

This breakup was devastating for both of us.  I'm still dealing with it.  You don't wake up one day, deciding to split.  It was not taken lightly.  I cannot stress that enough, nor can I describe for you my sadness over it.  IT WAS NOT TAKEN LIGHTLY.  It was one of the worst things I've ever been through.  I imagine little else could ever be worse.  It was a long time coming.  I don't want to tell you how long, and I don't want to delve into the details of my thoughts, emotions, or sadness over it.  That's for me, for him, and for our families.

You may think you know why we broke up.  You may have your own opinions, your own perceptions, even your own judgements.  I can tell you right now that you're probably wrong.  Or mostly wrong.  Because I will tell you only this much.  There are things that we lived through together that YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.  You could never even guess.

I have felt torn for quite sometime about ever knowing if I should put any of these words into the universe.  I felt that I would be "explaining" myself, when I know I shouldn't feel I need to explain anything.  But certain things are still haunting me, still making me confused.

Contrary to what you may think, I know who many of my Facebook friends and followers are.  Contrary to how busy or removed from it I may seem, you don't know my heart, head, and soul.  I'm just trying my best to move on, and not to dwell and talk publicly about the sadness I had.  And yes, at times, have.

I have been trying to shake off the sadness of people who did unfriend me when this happened.  It sounds so silly, but after the last two years, I've come out on the other end with anxiety issues and PTSD.  I am far more fragile.  Every little thing that happens hurts, and at times I feel it's just too much.  It overwhelms.  I counted a total of five people who left me suddenly without a word.  They weren't friends I saw every day, but they left enough of an impact on my life to cause me to notice and to feel saddened by this.

They impacted me at various times because of their kindnesses.  I can forgive, but I never forget.  I will never forget the powerful words from one (they till bubble up in me from time to time) when my Uncle passed away.  I will never forget, because not everyone reached out with their words and support that way.  Invitations.  Opportunities.  Gifts.  Friendships.  Fun times together.  Laughs.  Invites into their homes, and vice versa.  Maybe these things weren't as big of a deal to them, but I was touched, moved, and remember.  I don't let many people in.  But to me, these were people who I very much liked.  I truly considered friends.

Maybe this is a lesson in how we impact others more than we ever realize.  How others might think of us more than we ever know.

They are all adults.  Four of the five are all in non-traditional relationships.  For some reason, the combination of all of these things made me even more surprised to see how quickly they dropped me from their lives than someone young, or someone in a traditional relationship.  The older I get, the more I go through, and the bigger my compassion becomes.  I become more open, bigger, in my mind, my heart, my judgements.  I'm constantly learning that life can take you by complete surprise and turn your world upside down.  Again, and again, and again.

The things we plan for, and don't plan for, don't always line up with what's in store for us.  There have been so many times I've said "I'd never".  And it's happened.  It's been the only thing that could have happened.

I know people have their ideas.  They might see the two of us are no longer Facebook friends, and assume we hate each other.  Well, we don't.  Facebook is so tricky.  We only get the smallest percentage of the story.  You might think we've had no contact.  We no longer speak.  I'll tell you right now that we saw each other just last week and have had a few conversations lately.  Guess what else? They were nice.

I'm telling you.  You.  Don't.  Know.  BELIEVE ME.
You don't know the timeline of events.  You don't know the events leading up to the breakup.  You don't know the eight year history.

"To have an opinion about something, you must first experience that thing."

I'm just surprised, and having a hard time experiencing that people shut out, shun, pick a side when that was never the point.  Never the goal. I didn't tell anyone to take a side.  Neither did he.  And even if one of us did? Why would you listen? I don't have one mean or bad thing to say about him.  Be his friend.  And you can be mine, too.  My personal relationship will still continue to not affect YOUR life.  Just like yours doesn't affect mine! I will love you regardless! All of you who've ever shown ME kindness.  Because things happen, people split, life goes on, and so it goes.  Unless what you do hurts me, that's your own business to sort out as you will.  Maybe some people only liked me because I was in that partnership.  I don't know.  If so, then I didn't realize that, I didn't feel that, so egg on my face.

I do understand that we're only human and it's in our nature to react.  But it's so pointless.  It's like, even to this day I hear a celebrity couple splits, or a well known couple in our community and I gasp in shock and say, "no!" just the same.  Then I catch and remind myself that I know nothing about it, and just because I was used to it or comfortable with it doesn't mean I know one thing that went on under that roof.  So why do I care so much?

People break up.  It SUCKS.  It HURTS.  If it could have worked, I'd be there.  If it was supposed to be, it would be.  Nothing can be forced.  That's the bottom line.  Sometimes things break, and there is no fixing.  In the end, we'll both be better off.  Give it time.  Let this heal.  Let him heal, and move forward.  Let me heal, and move forward.  Don't add to the hurt.  Just be there.

If anything, be happy.  Be happy we're freed of a situation that no longer served us.  And that we've got the freedom now to find what will.

We only ever know a sliver of the story.  Or our brain jumps to fill in the gaps, based on our projections and image.  Our experiences.  We want love to succeed! We love the idea of certain couples together! I get it.  We assign a role.  Someone must be to blame.  Someone will be the villain, someone will be the victim.  We want to put all our sympathy only in one person.  We'll forever feel for Jennifer Aniston because of what "Brad did to her".  Because she will "forever be hurt, forever lonely", when we know nothing about her! Why do we so quickly forget there is no such thing as 100% blame? That things are gray, muddy, and it takes two to be in a partnership? That sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you simply aren't the right mix of two?

There is no way to know what the world is from someone else's point of view.  I can't imagine what goes on behind closed doors of any given couple when it's just the two of them.  Anyone reading this knows just what I mean, because you'll think of those times when you've been so raw, with just that one other person, and how you couldn't imagine sharing that with anyone else.  "If they only knew!", you'll think.  And this will make you want to laugh, or cry, or both.

Life is so short.  I do the best I know how, until I know how to do better.  I never set out to deliberately hurt anyone.  Hurting someone I loved, love, spent time with, spend time with, is hard enough on me.  Let me bear the burden.  You don't have to.  It's not for you.

I could stay silent, I could pretend I'm not affected by what I perceive as harsh judgements.  I could say I wish I was stronger.  I certainly used to be.  But I'm done wishing I was, or I wasn't anything.  I'm done with labels.  I'm done with should's and shouldnt's.  I am me, and this is who I am, today.

The irony is, the people this post is "for" will most likely never come across it.  Since I've been unfriended not only in real life, but in cyberspace as well.  Maybe the lesson will ultimately be mine.  Maybe through all of this, I'll learn whatever I need to after the hurt passes.  Maybe the words just finally needed to tumble out of me.  Maybe I'll feel lighter after I post this.

I do what I can to get by as a sensitive person in what feels like a sometimes too-rough world.  Just like you. I seek out my truth and authenticity as much as I can, daily.  I seek my truth to become a better version of myself, so that I'm a better partner, friend, daughter, granddaughter, niece, fiancé, employee, actor, person.

I want you to be a friend to me based on my direct relationship to you, and that alone.  I don't want to be defined by my personal or romantic relationships that don't concern you.  I want to be free.  Free from a feeling of bullying.  By feeling shut out of a community of people.

I want to wake up without a heavy heart.
I want to feel supported.
I want to feel emotionally, mentally, and physically able to do my best.
I want happiness.
I want to grow.
I want to keep expanding.
I want to keep growing in my acceptance of others.
I want to keep growing in my compassion for others.
I want the best for those in my past, and those in my life now.
I want to feel free of heartache, of sadness.
I want to heal now.
I want love.
I don't want to be judged.
I want to be included, not excluded.
I don't want to be defined by who I love...

Just like you.



Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Two years.

"What I want you to know, you, yes you, is that there was a time when the people who are not, were still in the world. Made of earth. And they were vibrant and alive. Life was localized and it was musical and smelled of cinnamon and spice. It was loud. A vibration of generations connected by our invisible dewdrop spiderweb. I was so conscious of it then. It was tangible. I could almost see it. I can hear it still. It echos in me." 

-Deena Marie, 2012


Two years ago today, almost down to the exact hour, my uncle chuck left earth.  I don't feel like posting pictures.  But I can't go without words on this day.

The first experience with this thing we call death.

If you could peek inside my head and heart you'd see why that was the moment.  From then on, nothing would ever be the same.  For me, for any of us.  I could never have imagined that that was the beginning.  The beginning of the shift.  The new normal. Nothing would remain the same.  My internal makeup would completely change.

I've been thinking a lot about that, and while I've mentioned it here plenty of times since then, how do I try to explain what that means? My internal makeup would completely change.

I wrote this blurb the other day,

"Ever since, I worry my eyes can't see.
Won't focus, will stop seeing, have blurred.

I worry my breath is running out, has become too shallow, 
no longer supports me.

I feel myself flicker and worry I keep trying to transcend.  
Involuntarily, my consciousness slips in and out and I have no control.

I wonder if in fact I don't exist."

I thought my soul was going to jump right out of my body.  I felt like I could barely contain it.  "Here we go", I'd think to myself as the feeling would come on.  I could be anywhere.  Driving in the morning.  Sitting in front of the computer.  Getting ready to meet a friend for coffee.  I could barely focus.  I realized how serious it could be the day I rear ended a car coming off of the freeway for no reason.  I knew I was slowing down, I knew there was a car in front of me.  I simply didn't see it.  I kept leaving myself.

And my dreams.  If only you could have seen my dreams.  I've seen the brightest lights as I'm falling asleep.  "Here we go," I'd think to myself.  "Transcending again." I've seen visions. I've seen heaven.

I've felt my heart race to the point of panic and my brain go fuzzy.  My body kept betraying.  Now I realize it has a name.  You can call it anxiety, you can call it PTSD. I call it the new normal.  And it's getting better.  Patience.  Time.  I am feeling less connected to the physicality and other worldly-ness of two years ago.  

I no longer worry I don't exist, have died, will slip off the earth and into the blue before it's time.

I'm here.  I'm meat and bones and thoughts and feelings.  I am temporarily tangible. How lucky.

Two years later.

What was your journey, my family? Where are you now? Are you who you want to be? Did you find your truth? Are the last two years still teaching you? Are you still learning? Have you expanded? Are you where you wanted to end up? If not, go get it.  Run. Look how long, and short the two years were.  Waste not.  There are no rules now! There is no fear now! There is only love, only this moment.  What a gift.

Heal.  Heal now.  I will if you will.


Deena Marie

Small.

I am in the produce section of an unfamiliar grocery store.
It is mother's day.
It strikes me as being a little crowded, but since I don't regularly shop there
I can't know for sure.
I'm aware it is a holiday and assume all of these people are here
for the same things as we are.
Mother's day dinner, or treats.  Greeting cards, last minute flowers.

I am surprised at how many flowers are still left, but how few cards.

I have a sense of unity.  We are all here for one purpose.
We're all doing the same deed.

I pass a man, who is on the phone.
We will continue to keep crossing paths over and over until we both leave the store.

His words are universal.  Generic.
He seems to be reciting from memory the contents of a card or a letter.

I'm struck with how it's all the same.  Always.
The same words.  Catchphrases.  Cliches.
It's all the same for all of us.  People.  Doing the same thing here, today.

It strikes so hard, the smallness of how we speak.  Spend time.
It's suddenly so disappointing.  Off putting.
How can there be so few ways to say what we feel?

These small words sadden me.
I am sad with my options.
I long for more.
I don't know them myself, or how to find them.

But I never want to trap, or be trapped in such a small way.

I will fight to keep seeing, to express beyond.

Deep.  I always want to go deeper.
More.  I always want more than what I'm given.
Being a human has always felt too small.

Six minutes.

I am running from my front door to get my car, which is at a lot at the end of the road.
I will time it.  It will take six minutes.
In six minutes I will try to discover the secrets of the universe.

I start with remembering the Summer of Sad.  2012.
I always seem to find myself there at times like this.  In the in between.
How I can't do anything I used to before, or during, the Summer of Sad.
The association, you see.  This is the first time I've run outside since that summer.
Back when all I did was run outside.  Anything to keep moving.
This makes me sad.

Everything has changed, I'm a far cry from where I was.
Life is rich.  But I'm doing what I did then.
This running.  Outside.
Sumer of sad.  Sad, sad summer.

I am seized.  I almost slow down, but instead I pick up the pace.
If only you could know that summer.  Then you'd understand.
Why nothing could remain the same.
Why I tumbled inside and out until I was new.

It's sunny.  It's getting warm.
This makes me sad.
I'm sad because I'm so happy.
I have the realization that I'm always in a state of perpetual heartbreak.
Who would I be, without my undercurrent of melancholia?
The haunting nostalgia that so few get to see?
It must comfort me.  It must be familiar.
I know longer worry I'm the strangest person on the earth.
The only one who feels too deeply for her own good.
I'm proud to know my lineage of archetypes, and that the line of me
goes both backward and forward, endlessly...éternel retour.

I want to cry because I used to be so sad, because I overcame it,
because I'm so deeply in love, because my life is so incredibly good, because I don't get to keep it, because I'll die one day, because I can't imagine my parents getting old, because I never want to be alive without the people I love here with me, because I don't ever want to part from the love of my life, because I want us all to leave the earth in hundreds of years from now, painlessly, at the exact same second.

Because it is all so, so painfully beautiful.

I think about eyes.  Two tiny eyes to be shown the entire world with.
What I would do if I suddenly couldn't see.
How despite not hearing music anymore, I think I'd rather not hear.
Blocking out the noise of the world is something I suddenly feel I could do,
but if I didn't have my eyes…

I think about my love.  Again and again I return to my love.
Soul partner, sent to me.  The only one.  My everything.
Words cheapen here.  I haven't discovered the right words yet.
It hurts.  My love is constantly on the verge of spilling out of me at any given moment.
I am so full of love inside.  Swollen.  It's sometimes too much to bear.
I'm positive I will explode.

I play the game of back and forth between the present, and Sad Summer.
I wonder what the future will hold, and if I'll ever be that sad again.
I wonder if I'll always be this happy.
What could be worse? What could be better?
I am seized.  I almost slow down, but instead I keep running...

Fragility.

I've sat down to write a blog here several times over the last few weeks.  I start, I stop.  I hit save instead of publish.  I think I'll come back to it.  I don't.  Snippets come and go through the day and when I think I've got one to expand on, it fizzles.  I can't quite get it together.   Maybe I'm trying a little to hard to make something out of nothing.  Or perhaps if I gather the bits of the nothings and just come here now, they'll form their own something.  Let's try.

I just realized that everything floating around in me lately has to do with opposition.  So many themes, perspectives, observations coming at me from opposing angles.

I have been thinking about judgement.  How unfair it is to judge another.  How deeply hurt I've been from others who I had once considered friends to have judged me.  Then I wonder why it hurts so deeply.  What am I missing from them no longer being in my life? How crucial were they to my life in the first place? Why do I think about it frequently? What do I so desperately want them to understand about me? And why would I feel like I ever needed to explain?

I think about how consciously I work to never judge another.  But I realize I still do it.  Not in big ways.  And that's what's so tricky.  Thoughts can be so sneaky! But I've started to tune in to that barely audible voice that quickly says, "I wouldn't have done that." Or "Why did / didn't he / she do that?"

Wait.  Maybe that's it.  That's the key.  Is this how life works? To dig deeper, spin it back to me, and question what I'm believing in that moment? To take a minute to become a little more aware, and think about what kind of reality I'm creating? What I must believe or not believe to feel this way or that about this person in that moment?

Well damn.

Okay.  I'll take it.  I'll keep learning.  Please, let me keep learning.  I'll keep questioning.  For the love of god, let me keep questioning.

Thoughts.  Thoughts truly are things.  And what fragile things they are.

I'm in love.  I'm in love like never before.  I love you.  What's the opposite of those words? I hate you.  Words must be so carefully chosen.  In any kind of relationship you're just a slip away from words that could damage, alter, or end it all.

Words are things.  And what fragile things they are.

I think about death a lot.  I have since May 27, 2012 and will for the rest of my life.  This is not to say I walk around in doom and gloom.  Quite the opposite.  It made me chose life, and chose to fill my life in a brand new way.  It showed me what matters.  It gave me awareness.  I'm aware I don't get to keep this life.  I'm aware I'm on a set amount of time in this body on this earth.  Let me say it again, I don't get to keep this life.  I don't get to keep my people, either.  I've watched two go, now.  The impact of their deaths rearranged everything inside my head and heart.  

I'm different now.  I saw the switch go off.  We're just a slip away.  From breathing, or not breathing.

Lives are things.  What fragile things they are. 


That's it for now….

New Year Surprise!

You guys.
This is still a work in progress, but I'm impatient.
So here you go!

THIS!  

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

2013 Year in Review

Theatre
"LOVE: A Mixed Media Cabaret Unlocking the Science of Love"
I got to co create this beautiful piece (along with some of my very favorite artists in the theatre community) which meant using my own writing and selecting my songs.
Performed with PopUp at The Leonardo click here for footage 
"The Twelve Dates of Christmas"
The closest thing I've done to a one woman show! However I couldn't have done it without the wonderful women in the cast, and at the helm of the production.
Performed with Pygmalion at Rose Wagner
"The Persian Quarter"
After appearing in the reading, I was in the world premiere of this stunning play at Salt Lake Acting Company in 2011.  Later that summer I found myself at a callback in NYC for another production of the show.  My journey with this one was long, and deeply personal.  The play was published early this year and I was sent my copy.  There I was on the cover, and within the first few pages there was my name listed under the original production.  What a moment.
"Earth Jam"
I organized a reunion of sorts for our cast of HAIR from 2010.  Most of the tribe was able to get together for a couple of rehearsals and perform a concert version in the park this spring for Earth Jam.

Social Media
The Ford Fiesta Movement
I did this in 2009 and they reached out to me for 2013.  After nearly a year away from YouTube, I remembered how much fun it is to film and upload adventures! I was busy with Ford from April to December with not only a monthly assignment and adventure, but with mega missions (more in the travel section), print ads, commercials, and more.  Not to mention gas was covered this entire time.  My favorite month was travel month.  I got a day of flying lessons followed by a day of aerobatics.  By far the coolest thing I've ever done.  

Travel
I counted going out of town eight times this year.  For me, that's quite a bit.  Some trips were for fun, but most of the time it was thanks to Ford.  I started by traveling to LA where they sent me to interview the final six contestants of American Idol for my first mega mission.  The next month it was back to LA for training and to pick up the car.  I was able to see one of my best friends and have her help driving back home where she could see SLC on this trip, and we stopped for a night in Vegas on the way.  Soon after it was off to Chicago to interview band Pacific Air at the Entertainment Weekly Music Lounge to kick off Lollapalooza.  I was able to take another of my dearest friends on this amazing adventure.  Just when I was beginning to get antsy for my yearly NYC getaway, I found out I'd be going to NYC Comic Con, again with Ford.  The last Ford trip was back to LA for the wrap party where I stayed in one of the most beautiful hotels I've ever stayed in.  As far as just for fun, I was lucky enough to get two trips to Vegas and another to LA to spend time on the beach.

The car
But the most noticeable part of the Ford Fiesta Movement was of course, the car itself.  My car had a custom wrap with a unicorn, a cartoon of my face and my name on it.  It was a dream come true to drive this around town and I loved watching the reactions of people on the road, at the drive through, or on social media when I'd be sent pictures of my car after someone had spotted it around town.  It was a hit!

In Print & Press
The Salt Lake Tribune did a big feature on me.  I was on the cover and in The Mix.  It was so exciting for me and my family.  Although I've worked for years to build exactly this, I'm always surprised and humbled when people are still interested and still want to give me exposure and opportunity.  Almost exactly five years after my first Trib feature, I'm still going strong! Click to read.  
I was in a print ad for the Ford Fiesta Movement than ran in Mens Health, Mental Floss, ESPN the Magazine and more!
A shoot I did for Ford ended up as a commercial for Gawker
I was a guest on the Paul Duane Show, it was his second show at The Metro.
My agency TMG used me as an example at a big panel for the agency, I'm so bummed I wasn't able to attend in person! But hearing about this from others in the industry meant so much to me.
Click here for my actor page 
Click here for my model page
I did a shoot for Awkward Years Project and it ended up in the December issue of O Magazine!
I got to be a guest for Bill Allred's podcast, The Let's Go Eat Show! Click to listen 

Modeling & Hosting 
I got to be in a spring spread for the Salt Lake Tribune.  Posing with vespas, bicycles, bags, etc.
I was on the cover of Pets in the City Magazine, with my chihuahua baby Noodles
I appeared on The Daily Dish for Persona Swimwear
I modeled in the Urban Arts Gallery Runway event this summer
I was made up as The Bride of Frankenstein for the Taylor Andrews Next Dimension Hair Show
I had photo shoots with Kate Johnson Photography, Keith Bryce and Cat Palmer.
I modeled designs this year by McKell Maddox, Mary Rino, Keith Bryce, Nathan Adair, Pretty Macabre, and Bettie Page Clothing
I Emceed the Cameron the Public concert at The State Room
I Emceed the SLC Tedx after party, After Glow

What's Next
I'm playing Hedda in "Hedda Gabler" with The Sting & Honey Company
I'm going to be involved in yet another huge social media project this year.  Brace yourselves.
Here's your first sneak peek!!! 

Thank goodness for poets.

I've posted this before.  It's been in my head again the last few days.

This is why I love to read, why I love poetry, and words.  Bits and pieces stick with me and pop up when I need them, reminding me I'm never alone, never the first (nor the last) person to feel a certain way.  I can't think of anything more comforting.

Thank goodness for poets.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” - Rainer Maria Rilke  

I've also recently been reminded,

"Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't" - Bill Nye

And maybe more importantly, I've been reminded that every person we ever encounter has something to teach us.  Every one of them.

Thanks for reading.


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Goodbye.

Ever since my uncle Chuck left this earth, I've thought a lot about goodbyes.  I often think about what an end means.  Temporary or permanent.  I think about ends that we know are coming, and ends that are abrupt.  If you've followed me here then you know "Life of Pi" is something I reference often.  You might be sick of it, but it's always playing in me.  Still teaching me.

“What a terrible thing it is to botch a farewell. I am a person who believes in form, in the harmony of order. Where we can, we must give things a meaningful shape. For example - I wonder - could you tell my jumbled story in exactly one hundred chapters, not one more, not one less? I'll tell you, that's one thing I have about my nickname, the way the number runs on forever. It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse. That bungled goodbye hurts me to this day. I wish so much that I'd had one last look at him in the lifeboat, that I'd provoked him a little, so that I was on his mind. I wish I had said to him then - yes, I know, to a tiger, but still - I wish I had said, "Richard Parker, it's over. We have survived. Can you believe it? I owe you more gratitude than I can express I couldn't have done it without you. I would like to say it formally: Richard Parker, thank you. Thank you for saving my life. And now go where you must. You have known the confined freedom of a zoo most of your life; now you will know the free confinement of a jungle. I wish you all the best with it. Watch out for Man. He is not your friend. But I hope you will remember me as a friend. I will never forget you , that is certain. You will always be with me, in my heart. What is that hiss? Ah, our boat has touched sand. So farewell, Richard Parker, farewell. God be with you.”

I want closure with things.  With experiences.  With people.  But not just closure, a beautiful closure.  I want to give everything in my life a meaningful shape.  

I've been thinking about something for days.  I am so full of emotion over it.  "Former love surprises artist at her MoMa retrospective after decades apart."   While the video portion is quite something to see (the way he shakes his head is everything) there is something in the very brief explanation that's stuck with me: "When their relationship had come to an end, they went to the Great Wall of China to walk it together.  Both started walking from the opposite end until they met in the middle for one last big hug before disappearing from each other's lives." My visceral reaction to that is so intense, I can't think about it without wanting to sob.  Without feeling a heaviness that threatens to take me over.  Could you imagine? Could you even imagine?!

I want this.  I want it with everyone who's ever been in my life that isn't any more.  Friends, former lovers, Chuck, my Grandpa.  

To all of those who's souls are no longer in line with mine, but once were, I want that walk with you.  I want to reflect as I walk, and gain sacred clarity.  How private.  How intense.  I want to take the time, moving forward in my thoughts and in time until we meet and all that is unsaid is only felt, and exchanged through that embrace.  Oh, it must be long.  And when the end (though I can't imagine how you know it's time) reveals itself and it's time to let go, you both continue with forward momentum and a heartbreakingly beautiful goodbye.  A meaningful shape.  

I want it.  Every time.  

You from my past, you from my future.  

I want to meet you all there.  

Unsettled soul at rest...

I've never been at such a loss for words.  I have tried several times now to sit down and begin to write all that is in my heart.  Filling it up to the brim so that it feels it will burst.  To release what's swirling around so intensely in my soul.  To put language to the newfound happiness that is so strong, it is nearly distracting to me.

I have tried, I have failed.  I do not know these words.

I've never felt so much, so strongly.
These feelings are so new I must still be catching up.

How do I begin to tell you what is? How do I translate this?

I will try.  I will still fail.

I found the other.  Part.  Half.  Soul.  Soul mate.  That belongs with me.  There is only one, and it cannot be denied.  It is nothing like any before.  Or any could be.  Nothing else could be.  Nothing.  It is palpable.  It is nearly visible.  It is a full completion of what wasn't before.  I've never been so internally...right.

I've never had my searching, my yearning, my unsettled soul feel rest like this.

I've never felt that I'm home like this.  I no longer desire to be away.  I think of him first.  The way it should be is now automatically there.  I never knew what I was missing before, only that something was.  He reveals to me only what is essential.  I see clearly the facades of who we think we are, what we do, versus our sweet reality.  I now know the meaning of being grounded.  I see the value.  All that's there is easy.  It would be no other way.  No confusion.  No wondering or questioning of what I could want, what will be.  It's everything.  It's all.  Because it's him.  Because it's me with him.  For the first time in my life, I long for nothing.  I lack for nothing.  I understand what it is to feel strengthened by a love.  So strong.  It should be no other way.

I can't go on in my own words…


* * * * * * * * * *


Earlier this year I found my favorite words.  Ever.  I sent it to him.  I did not post it anywhere.  It was so beautiful it hurt.  I still can't read it without a wave of emotion, and tears rushing up to my eyes.  It is the most stunning thing I've ever read.  I don't know where it's from, I've searched and keep coming up empty.  I wasn't ready to share it yet, but I knew I would eventually.  This.  This is it.  Let this tell you better than I can...

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Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

October, this year.

October last year I was in New York City.  In just a few days my grandpa would pass away.  It would be the second death that year.  It would round out the "year of loss" in the biggest way we never saw coming.  I would return to Southern Utah.  I would return to the graveyard.  I would not say one word the whole drive to the cemetery from the funeral home.

Later, I would remember the strange run-in on the subway with a woman who sang to me one of my grandpas favorite songs.  A warning? A premonition? Collective consciousness? A message?

Last October I could not pinpoint the what's or the why's.  I kept trying.  I dug deep.

I buried.  I dug.  I buried.  I dug.  

In the months to follow the metamorphosis was continuing, yet I was still running.
I was always running.  Running to.  Running from.

October this year I have no desire to run to, or run from.  I am home.  My world is in place.  It took a long time to get here.  It took a lot of work.  A lot of patience.  A lot of hearts shattered along the way.

But I am here.
I am whole.
I am calm.
No more running.


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The Truth

I'm committed to my truth.  To discovering, to following, and to living my truth.  This hasn't always been the case.  Simply because I didn't know any better.  I didn't know how many layers my truth was under, or how to find it.  I knew I wanted it.  I knew I was unsettled.  I was searching.  But for what? A current of dissatisfaction always running through me.   At times the volume was up and at times it was barely audible. But it was always there.  

The truth cannot be forced.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, sometimes the truth looks different than others want it to.  In the beginning, it might even look different than what you want it to.  But guess what? Your truth is yours and yours alone.  What is true for you is what matters.  Your personal life is yours.  And guess what? It affects nobody else.  And if it "does"? That's because you no longer fit into the role/view/image they've assigned to you, and that's their issue to deal with.  It's not about you.  

You owe it to yourself to be the best, most authentic version of yourself.  I cannot stress that enough.  I.  Promise.  You.  Everything will fall into place around that.  Relationships change around you and so do your reactions.  For the better. 

Again, the truth cannot be forced.  Sometimes it takes years, or the majority of a lifetime (or maybe it never happens) to peel back your layers.  To rid yourself of "what should be".  You can trick yourself.  You can be in denial and not be aware of it.  You can let fear hold you back.  You can stay in a life that's stagnant, small, because your not sure that if you jump that the universe will be there to catch you.

I promise you it will.  A wise friend of mine told me, "the universe will rise up to meet you every time", and it's the honest to god truth.  

Leap.  Just leap.  

Tune in.  Be still.  Be quiet.  When you sense something is off, it's because it is.  When you sense something is right, it's because it is.  No matter how small.  No matter how many times you shrug it off, or explain it away.  This is where we trip up.  This is where we convolute the simplicity of life.  Because we tell ourselves we are a certain way, with a certain role to play, and life must go accordingly.  When things don't "fit" we try to dismiss them.  

Don't.  That's your truth knocking. 

No one can tell you your truth.  They can only tell you their opinion based on the role they've assigned you to their own life / world view.  You owe no one an explanation.  Who is anyone else to tell you what's right or wrong for you? Who is anyone to stop you from growing? From living? From escaping restraints, and falsehoods? 

Finding your truth is a messy, destructive process.  It is not without ramifications.  It is not without hurt.  You will hurt loved ones along the way.  You will break your own heart.  

"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens" - Rumi

Open it. 

Thanks for reading, 

Deena Marie

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 * * * 

I left my world...

Poetry is the most magical, comforting, teacher I have.  Through words that bleed emotion I learn who I am, and that even when I am positive I am the only person to go through such trials and tribulations and that no one else could possibly have a life like mine, I learn that I'm not.  And that is everything.  I can crack open, and let my emotions bleed along with the words when I'm not yet ready or able to use my own. 


I left my world
to be with you
I had to escape
without telling anyone.

I know I left broken hearts
and I suffered for that
but nothing compares
with the suffering of being away
from you.

Today everything is happiness.

Being with you
in different cities
where nobody knows us
and forget our
boring
locked
past.

Walk in the woods
enjoying the sun
the rain
the wind
and the snow.

Today everything is happiness.

-Axel Marazzi


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A bit of beauty

I want to give you a bit of beauty.
I can't yet give you words.
So I'd like for you to hold out your hands, and close your eyes.
I'd like you to take this from me.  It will not make me have less.
I want you to share with me this in between,
caught in the middle of the end of summer and the start of fall.
I want you to feel how heavy it is.  How tangible.

Feel how full I am? I want you to feel full, too.

This spring startled me into my existence.
My truth came for me in an unexpected hour.
I don't know how to say goodbye to you, summer.
I am greedy.  I can't get enough to store up, to savor.

Do you feel this? Love? 

I am so full of it it hurts.  I am so filled I want to cry.
It is the most beautiful kind of pain.
I want to give you a bit of beauty.
Starstuff, heartache, melancholia, nostalgia, gratitude, love.
Magnified, imortalized.
Take this bit of beauty.
I'll have words another day.

 

Write as if you were dying.

This article from the New York Times was sent to me yesterday by a fellow writer, poet, and all around fabulous lady.  I'm so glad she thought to send this to me.  My brain has been spinning ever since.

Read the full article here: Write Til You Drop by Annie Dillard.  While many sentences and paragraphs jumped out at me, what hit me most were these: 

There is something you find interesting, for a reason hard to explain. It is hard to explain because you have never read it on any page; there you begin. You were made and set here to give voice to this, your own astonishment.

Write as if you were dying. At the same time, assume you write for an audience consisting solely of terminal patients. That is, after all, the case. What would you begin writing if you knew you would die soon? What could you say to a dying person that would not enrage by its triviality?

It's funny (although it's actually perfect) that I just read this because my brain had just bee trying to form a little snippet of poetry similar to this idea.  Something along the lines of, "I want to give you everything.  I want to show you everything I have, and everything I know.  But I'm afraid that if I do, I'll have nothing left for me."

I'm wondering about all of this.  John P. Shanley says, "what you leave out is the story."  And boy, if that's true do I have a story for you.  And boy, if I found out I was dying it would be yours.  Now.  Today.  It would be urgent and it would be out.  But I'm not dying, and I'm afraid to reveal.  I'm also afraid that I'll never reveal.  Is that the fear? That I could die without my story being told?

I have more story.  All that I leave out.  My most personal trials and tribulations.

I also have what I find interesting for reasons hard to explain because I've never read it on any page.  Do I try to explain it? I thought of that last night, actually as I watched the moon for a very long time.  Why the cosmos stir me the way they do.  Why cosmology, astronomy, and science seem the most crucial and important way a human could spend a life.  What I am so inherently sure of when I'm watching the moon without knowing as fact, other than I just know.  Why I have a strong pull to leave the earth.  To see it from the outside.  Why it feels familiar.  Why I know I've been there before.  

So where do I start? 

And what do I do?

How much of myself should I give to you?

Deena Marie