Fragility.

I've sat down to write a blog here several times over the last few weeks.  I start, I stop.  I hit save instead of publish.  I think I'll come back to it.  I don't.  Snippets come and go through the day and when I think I've got one to expand on, it fizzles.  I can't quite get it together.   Maybe I'm trying a little to hard to make something out of nothing.  Or perhaps if I gather the bits of the nothings and just come here now, they'll form their own something.  Let's try.

I just realized that everything floating around in me lately has to do with opposition.  So many themes, perspectives, observations coming at me from opposing angles.

I have been thinking about judgement.  How unfair it is to judge another.  How deeply hurt I've been from others who I had once considered friends to have judged me.  Then I wonder why it hurts so deeply.  What am I missing from them no longer being in my life? How crucial were they to my life in the first place? Why do I think about it frequently? What do I so desperately want them to understand about me? And why would I feel like I ever needed to explain?

I think about how consciously I work to never judge another.  But I realize I still do it.  Not in big ways.  And that's what's so tricky.  Thoughts can be so sneaky! But I've started to tune in to that barely audible voice that quickly says, "I wouldn't have done that." Or "Why did / didn't he / she do that?"

Wait.  Maybe that's it.  That's the key.  Is this how life works? To dig deeper, spin it back to me, and question what I'm believing in that moment? To take a minute to become a little more aware, and think about what kind of reality I'm creating? What I must believe or not believe to feel this way or that about this person in that moment?

Well damn.

Okay.  I'll take it.  I'll keep learning.  Please, let me keep learning.  I'll keep questioning.  For the love of god, let me keep questioning.

Thoughts.  Thoughts truly are things.  And what fragile things they are.

I'm in love.  I'm in love like never before.  I love you.  What's the opposite of those words? I hate you.  Words must be so carefully chosen.  In any kind of relationship you're just a slip away from words that could damage, alter, or end it all.

Words are things.  And what fragile things they are.

I think about death a lot.  I have since May 27, 2012 and will for the rest of my life.  This is not to say I walk around in doom and gloom.  Quite the opposite.  It made me chose life, and chose to fill my life in a brand new way.  It showed me what matters.  It gave me awareness.  I'm aware I don't get to keep this life.  I'm aware I'm on a set amount of time in this body on this earth.  Let me say it again, I don't get to keep this life.  I don't get to keep my people, either.  I've watched two go, now.  The impact of their deaths rearranged everything inside my head and heart.  

I'm different now.  I saw the switch go off.  We're just a slip away.  From breathing, or not breathing.

Lives are things.  What fragile things they are. 


That's it for now….

Thumbs Up

This is the month.  On the 27th it will be the one year mark.  One year since Chuck left.  There's one story I've had and haven't been able to share.  I've wanted to, I just couldn't write it.  I wanted it documented and out in the word but could never find my own words to tell it.  So, I asked my mom.  It took her awhile to be able to do it, but over the weekend, she did.  Here is a very special story in her beautiful words.  May is definitely going to be about honoring our Chuck.

Thumbs Up

I want to share with you a small moment in my family’s life, that made a huge impact! Maybe I should say a moment between my daughter and my brother.  My handsome, humorous, brother Chuck, left us last May. So here we are at almost a year, still contending with shooting pains in our hearts.

What a unique guy my brother was, and I mean that in a most loving way.  Chuck was the prankster of the family, how he came up with some of the jokes he pulled on us is still a mystery.  We were his personal guinea pigs! This teasing also extended to his nieces and nephews.

I’ve told Deena she takes after her uncle Chuck that way.  The have the same humor, and they shared an invisible, mighty bond. 

Chuck was so proud of Deena, from the day she was born, until his last minutes on this earth.

As I ride that hideous roller coaster of sadness, certain memories linger.  One of my favorites happened while he was in the hospital for the last time.

Chuck was rushed by ambulance to the emergency on May 10^th, 2012.  He would be in the hospital for the next two weeks, all but one of those days in the ICU.  There the medical staff hovered over him and did their difficult jobs, and there were many.

Now my Chuck, this bigger than life guy, was on the brink of death.  He lay in his hospital bed, intubated and unconscious.  He was our sleeping giant.  This was a hard part for my family, we hugged and cried and dealt with our crumbling hearts. 

I existed in my stupor, wearing boots made of lead, seeing through gray lenses, and carrying an internal ball of fear.

That was how I functioned last May. 

Around the fourth or fifth day, the doctors decided it was time to wean him off his medications.  This would help determine how sick he really was.  This is the time the silent worry began, if he did wake up, would he be our same Chuck? Had he been oxygen deprived?

The nurses encouraged us to talk to Chuck and touch him during this time.  He began to turn his head toward the sounds of voices.  Or any loud noise.  He became restless, letting a leg hang off his bed.  But we needed more! Please Chuck, just open your eyes! Please give us a sign!

This process lasted maybe two days, it felt like years. 

Deena was on her way to the hospital when I suddenly had this feeling or premonition.  There was going to be a connection between Deena and Chuck! I JUST KNEW! Deena knew it too, she felt it as she walked down the hospital corridor. 

Deena walked into the room, stood at the foot of his bed, and said, “Hi Chuck”.  He raised his arm in the air and gave a big Thumbs Up! Oh my god! Did he just give us our sign?! He had reacted to her after all! I KNEW IT! That darn thumb caused so much emotion and elation at the same time!

Deena and Chuck were truly connected!

My mom burst out crying, which caused a slight domino effect.  But they were tears of joy!

Later mom would say it reminded her of a fairy tale, when the Prince awakens the Princess.  In our case, it was the niece, that woke her uncle!

I can only tell you, that in my minds eye, I relive this miracle moment, over and over. 

And so, to my daughter and big brother, I give you both, a Thumbs Up!

- Lauren Manzanares 

April, 2013