The story of the Bluebird

I can't believe I'd forgotten to write about the bluebird.  I can only guess that at the time it felt private so I didn't get into it, and then so much has happened since I'd just never shared it.  I've meant to.

This happened when I was in NYC at the end of last year.  It was on the night I went to Sleep No More.  Looking back over my blog it was the night of October 8, only I know it was pretty late after the show, drinks, pizza, and finally getting on the subway.  So it must have been during the first moments of October 9th, 2012.

John (my friend who I stayed with) and I got on the subway and we were still wearing our masks from Sleep No More pushed up onto our heads.  We had a bit of a ride ahead of us, and we'd just started to settle in the doors opened and a lady got on and sat next to us.  She asked what our masks were for.

When I'm in NYC I have to change, I have to adapt to a new pace and lifestyle.  I have to toughen up and fight a little more, at all times.  I have to brave heckling and unwelcome conversation from men, homeless people, and strangers daily.  It's draining for me.  I purposely close off.  For some reason though, in the split second (that felt like a minute) of deciding how to proceed with this lady sitting down with us and clearly about to engage us in conversation something inside me said, "be open", so I changed my go to reaction to shut out this stranger, and instead turned toward her and told her we'd just come from a show.

I'm not sure how old I'd guess she was.  In her 60's? I'm really bad at telling age.  She was plump.  Happy.  Jolly.  She's someones mom, I thought.  She was by herself and had a lot of stuff with her.  I was instantly curious why she was alone so late.  What was someones mom doing so late on the subway alone? Where had she come from? Where was she going to?

I liked her immediately.  It was weird.  Like how you just know sometimes that someone is good, or even a little special.  She talked my ear off the entire way, and never once did I try to nudge John to save me or get him involved in the conversation.  I spent the whole ride listening to her and asking questions.  It was bizarre, but I felt like I was supposed to see what this was all about.

I'm friendly, but I am not nor will I ever be the person who plops down and meets a friend on a subway or plane or in a line at a store.  I just don't do that.  I don't talk to strangers.

She talked first about Liam Neeson which reminded me of my mom (her crush) which led into a very long story about her sister teaching Natasha Richardson in a Montessori school and how sad it was when she died, which somehow (and I'm still not sure how this even came up) led to her singing "There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of dover".  At times she was a little quite, hard to hear so bits got lost on me.  But when she sang this I perked right up.

That's my Grandpas song! He sang that all the time growing up.  That song and my Grandpa are synonymous.  I was so excited I told her she was the only other person I'd ever hear sing that song.  Then just as she'd begun to as me about my Grandpa, we reached our stop.

She was a bit eccentric, but so nice.  I knew there was something about this exchange that had been special, but the skeptic in me was still waiting for the crazy to come out as I had to abruptly end the conversation and get off.  Wait for it, wait for it, brace for the crazy, I thought.  But no.  Not ever.  Not one bit.  She made our goodbye the most natural thing in the world, and actually, I was the one who came off as a awkward when I left.

As we walked to the apartment, John said he wasn't sure if I'd needed him to save me.  I said no, she was great and how weird that was that I'd just met a sweet, not one bit crazy lady that sang me my grandpas song!

One month and one day later, my Grandpa died.

When we planned his funeral I said to my mom, we have to play "There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of dover".  She'd forgotten about the song! It was played.  I listened to it a couple of times when he first passed, then when it was played at the funeral.  I haven't been able to listen to it since.  I don't want to.  Yet.  I'll post it here, but even when I go to get it I won't have the sound on so I don't accidentally hear.  THE SONG. 

I still keep thinking about my strange exchange.  What was that? It was different.  It was meaningful.  I knew it then and I knew it now.

In writing about it, it seems like the conversation went mom, death, grandpa.  And my mom was there visiting my grandparents when he died.  Was this a foreshadowing? It didn't pick up on death or bad news on the subway or at all over the next month and one day.  I only picked up on my grandpa.  Whatever that meant.

I was talking about this again with my mom a couple of days ago.  She said that in the final weeks of his life, my Grandpa asked about me and talked about me more than anyone.  He was constantly asking how I was doing in NYC and when the hurricane hit he kept asking if I was okay.  She said I was on his mind, and that he'd gotten a message to me.

I don't know if I believe in guardian angles, or if I even know what that means, but that's what she felt like.  I don't know how else to explain it.

But it was something.

Something...else.

I knew it then.

I know it still.

My Grandpa.

My bluebird.

Follow the omens

Do you believe in omens? Signs from the universe?

Every few years I read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho.  I remember my first time through, years ago.  I wondered what all the talk of omens meant.  I sure wanted to believe that I could somehow follow a trail of omens to my destiny.  But how would I do it? Would these omens be something I would need to learn to conjure up?  Attract like "The Secret"? Whatever that means.  Why wasn't I lucky enough to have signs popping up around me, to show me I was on the right path? Or...could it be I wasn't quite understanding the concept?

Years later (and a whole bunch of books, life experience and new knowledge later) I got it.  It's not as literal as I originally thought.  You have to tune in.  You have to become aware.  You have to notice.  You can't brush them off.  They are there.  They are every bit as magical.

Deepak Chopra talks a lot about something similar, called syncrodestiny.  The coincidences of the universe.

"When a coincidence arises, don’t ignore it. Ask yourself, What is the message here? What is the significance of this? You don’t need to go digging for the answers. Ask the question, and the answers will emerge. They may arrive as a sudden insight, a spontaneous creative experience, or they may be something very different. Perhaps you will meet a person who is somehow related to the coincidence that occurred. An encounter, a relationship, a chance meeting, a situation, a circumstance will immediately give you a clue to its meaning. “Oh, so that’s what it was all about!”

The key is to pay attention and inquire.

I wanted neon signs with my name and and arrow signs, but if we're searching for something of that magnitude we don't see the our real guideposts.  

I have tuned in.  I have opened up.  I am listening.  I am slowing down and noticing.  In doing so over many months, I can tell you that we've got a great relationship, the universe and I.  She leaves me love notes to both teach and confirm what I know.  And she reminds me when I forget.  If we let the universe show us the way every day, we can't possibly go wrong.  

It is true that the greatest things we'll ever learn are love, self respect, that we are exactly enough just as we are, and that the greatest pilgrimage we'll ever make is within our own body.

Last year (my dark and dismal year) I started to take notice of peacocks.  Peacocks everywhere I looked.  On tv, online, on merchandise, painted on walls, in real life.  It got strange.  Really strange.  Okay, I thought.  I'm listening.  I wonder what they're trying to tell me? I looked up the symbolism of a peacock, and wouldn't you know it.  Renewal.  Resurrection.  A phoenix.  Spirituality.  AWAKENING.  And if you know me or follow me here then you'd know just how much that pertained to what I went through and how I'd describe the most trying and life changing year I'd ever had.  

One day last summer I was outside on a run, and out of nowhere on the sidewalk was this (just when I needed it more than you could know):

Something else happened that was so obvious.  So blatant.  I couldn't not see it as a sign.  It has to do with a name, but I'm keeping this one to myself.  

The one that really makes our jaws drop, happened right after my Grandpa died.  I was leaving Southern Utah a day after the funeral and on the way out my Grandma asked me if I wanted to take a box of candles.  My sweetheart loves candles so I said okay.  I took the big brown box and we put it in the car.  It smelled of my childhood home.  I brought it inside and it sat on the kitchen counter for a few days.  We all discussed my grandma.  At their age and after being partners for so long it can by typical for the other to pass shortly after losing their spouse.  We all wondered, would this happen with my Grandma? 

I had given them new nicknames and for the last few months I would refer to them as Tiny Brown or Little Brown and Mr. Shuffles when I would talk about them with my sweetheart or parents. One day, my sweetheart and I are sitting at the kitchen table and we can't believe we haven't noticed what the candle box says:

If you ask me, it doesn't get any more personal than that.  Her nickname.  And a message that her life is far from over.  

Two weeks ago I found this on the ground:

And today on a wall that was blank yesterday was:

For awhile I've been entertaining some thought about what I've jokingly called to my close friends and family, "quitting the biz".  Am I serious? Do I really want to give up acting? Kind of.  Hang on, let me explain.  I will never quit, but I do want more in my life.  I have too many other parts left waiting to be fueled.  And boy, they are hungry.  I'm suddenly craving adding more in and being okay with taking time away from.  But I also know how important it is to go with the flow.  To be open.  To have a plan but to be adaptable.  To follow the omens.  

The omens have shown me in huge and surprising ways that it's not meant for me to be announcing my "quitting" anytime soon.  From three theatres contacting me for various things at once, to my dream project that had only been a fantasy all but two weeks ago, to being recognized (as an actress) when I was in a place trying to get the ball rolling for the next new adventure in my life.  

And last but not least, a friend who had no idea I felt this way wrote me a message telling me he'd had a dream I wanted to quit and he was sent from the future telling me I wasn't supposed to.  

And then there is the number.  After my grandpa died I slipped back into a bad way...for a few days.  That's all I allowed myself.  I decided I needed to live.  I needed to go forward.  I needed to go on.  If I didn't, my sadness would eat me alive.  I would be gone.  So suddenly I did.  

And I have been okay.  I have been better than okay.  

As the year ended and the new one began, everything finally feels aligned! Things are right.  Things are in place.  Things are clear.  And during this time I started seeing a number.  The same number, everywhere.  Even more than the peacock.  It was starting to drive me crazy because I couldn't figure out what it meant.  Long story short this number is associated with a God of Healing.  My healing has been happening as I've been seeing this number everywhere.  

I've seen it less the more progress I made.

Now, I do find that a scientific truth about the world we live in is more magical to me than any religious story.  The amazements we can prove in discovering our own universe is far bigger and exciting to me than an organized religion with a god.  However, I believe that all religion is true.  What is your truth, is your truth.  What is my truth is my truth.  What his or hers is his or hers, etc.  We have no idea what each others journeys are about.  Who is anyone to tell another their truth is right or wrong? 

"If there's only one nation in the sky, shouldn't all passports be valid for it? - Yann Martel 

One thing I like about getting older is the need to explain yourself to others goes away.  You can finally just put it all out there and know that it is what you offer, and that it is enough. 

But despite anything that may be proven (as of right now), there are still things that can't be explained.  The omens being one.  

Could I have read too much into these? Could coincidence be just that and nothing more? Maybe.  Sure.  But I am going to choose to believe in taking notice.  In following my omens.  If it helps me to get to my final destination with a little more comfort, so be it.  

I'll see you at the end and I'll be able to tell you I have indeed enjoyed the journey.  

"We are all just walking each other home" - Ram Dass

This is the one of several joint blog / shared topics with JayC Stoddard.  It's amazing how our blogs on the same subject are so different, so similar, and so complimentary to the other persons.  Every time.  Coincidence? You be the judge: JAYC STODDARD his blog is brilliant, you should follow it :) 

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My life in pictures 

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