2014 Highlights!

The theme of 2014 was BIG.  What a big year.  The year of the engagement, the wedding, and the best theatre experience of my life to name a few.  As always, my year end wrap up will be the highlight reel.  I find it to be a great way to reflect over the year, and to remind myself that there is always more good happening around us than we realize.  So, here is what made my year so awesome, and at the end, what I'm taking into 2015.

Sundance! The year started off with a couple fun events during the Sundance Film Festival, and I even got to reunite with a dear friend from school in NYC there.

Engaged! On Valentines day, my love asked me to marry him! What a journey we've had.  Like my mom said in her speech at our wedding, "I believe Matt and Deena have been on a journey TO each other."  I'll say.  We've been in each other's lives for three and a half years now.  It took a long time for the stars to align, but they were bound to.  It is true that some things are simply meant to be.

Married! We had the mountain wedding of our dreams on August 16th at Solitude.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  I still can't believe it.  We've never been happier! The most amazing thing is to hear those closest to me tell me the difference they seen in me in my new life.  My family and friends even see a physical change, all due to the happiness and truth I'm living in.  I see it, too.  I look different.  I glow.  The quote is true, "happy girls are the prettiest."  Following your heart will not lead you astray.  I am happy, healthy, home, and healed.  To everyone in my life now, you get me at my best! This is my beginning.

Hedda Gabler! The role of a lifetime.  I'll never be able to thank Javen Tanner of Sting and Honey enough.  For both casting me as Hedda, brilliantly directing me, and officiating our wedding! I've never had a more fulfilling, complex, moving, life altering, beautiful experience onstage.  This one is sacred.  I might as well retire!

Rings! I got back to The Grand Theatre after more than a decade away when they were able to offer me an equity contract and a great role as Ruby Kellpack in RINGS.

Streetcar named Desire! Just when I wondered where I could possibly go after Hedda, I was cast as Blanche Dubois.  Look out, Spring 2015.

Exposed at the Rose! I came back from a perfect Honeymoon just in time to perform with Pygmalion Theatre Company in this day long fundraiser creating an original piece.

Local TV! I put it out into the universe that I'd like to get involved in local tv again.  Good Things Utah had me host for a week and I had the best time! When things went in another direction, I was still amazed I got the opportunity I asked for, and I'm hopeful for the possibilities this might bring 2015.  So yes, universe.  I'm still looking for that perfect tv fit!

Gephardt Daily! When good things said no, they came calling.  This was an interesting couple of months.  A start up is an experiment.  Without clarity, there's no security.  It turned out this wasn't going to be the place for me after all.  But what I learned here was invaluable to what I really want in the future, and I absolutely loved hearing so many incredible stories from people in our community.  I want to spend a day in the life of just about everyone, so that part was a dream come true.  This also crossed my path with people who will be lifelong friends, and who will have a hand in helping me create magic in the future.

Salt Lake Magazine! I got the cover!

Got Beauty! I appeared not only on their Pops Box, but on two sides of the store itself all summer!

Todd Collins Photography! I surprised my husband with a Pinup shoot for Valentines day, thanks to my favorite photographer Todd Collins who also shot our wedding! With Todd, I always get the pictures of my dreams.  Only better.  Our wedding photos were featured everywhere! The Perfect Dress blog, Utah Bride and Groom, and Allure Bridals!

Jamberry Nails Shoot! I booked a big shoot for the upcoming spring catalog of Jamberry Nails! I can't wait to see it! I went back to being a red head for the day for this one.

Emcee! I love to emcee and I got to do it for two big events this year.  The Pygmalion Theatre fundraiser, When PYGS fly, and the SLC TEDx after party.  TEDx has had me host for two years in a row, and I've already agreed to a third!

Biggest lessons learned this year: No need to force a fit.  The universe will catch you.  You must jump.

PASSION. For 2015 I take with me the confidence that I know myself better than ever.  I know immediately when a person, situation, or job doesn't align with my soul.  Now, instead of chasing people, or seeing any kind of project through that isn't a fit, I'll go.  This is the year of passion.  If it's not speaking to me, if it's not resonating deeply in me, it's not worth my time.  I've come to trust that more than anything.  I live it again and again.  Life is so much nicer when you don't swim against the current.

CREATE. I'm looking forward to creating more.  Creating my own work that doesn't yet exist in a market here.  Creating things for other people.  Creating new opportunities in every way.  Creating in every sense of the word.

I enter 2015 whole.  Pure.  All is new.  Here we go.

Thanks for reading,

Happy New Year!


Deena Marie

Eternity in a decade.

I am leaving New York.  I'm laying on the couch of a Brooklyn apartment in pink pajama bottoms and a pink tank top and I am sure I'm going to die.  I will die of a broken heart right here.  Tomorrow when I leave, I will look my best.  I will pick myself up and do my hair and my makeup and I will singlehandedly lug these bursting-at-the-seams suitcases home.  I'll have a giant bruise to show for it on my thigh from where one of my bags will keep hitting me.  At the time, I won't notice the pain.  When the young man at the airport asks to help me and I say yes, I won't think that there is a tip involved.  And when he won't leave until I find my money I'll snap at him.  Can't he see the world as I know it just ended?

My life is over.

But little do I know, I'm only at the beginning.

Funny, isn't it? How looking back everything has fallen so perfectly into place? Yes, even the times you were certain all was lost, and you'd never survive.  As if the universe designed earth specifically for you.  Here is your planet, and your path is laid out.  It is designed to protect you.  In the times your heart shatters, it's because it needs to heal differently, bigger than before, with new knowledge that you needed.  But it's up to you to learn, and grow and listen.  To tune in and hear your truth.

I'm amazed how eternity can be crammed into one decade.  I've been so many people.  Who else will I be? At least now I can trust the process.  No fear.

You can only tune in when the time is right.  I couldn't have told the girl laying on the couch in the pink pajamas just how okay it would be.  That her big dreams will play out, what it will feel like to hold her puppy, that the best day of her life will be when she marries the man of her dreams in the mountains.  There will be a hard battle of fighting to be in the same place at the same time, emotionally, and physically.  But there will be love.  Every heartache will be worth it when she finally lands on this love.

I truly can't imagine what I might tell myself in another decade.  What will she say to to the girl who's sitting at her kitchen table typing on her laptop this December 2014, with a pup on her lap and a husband by her side, approaching their first Christmas married?

What eternities are in store?

I hope to remember heart shattering is survivable, and inevitable.  And okay.  And needed.  And the ebbs and flows are constant.  And to keep going, and growing, and tuning deeper into truth.  That life will be a constant experiment in feeling too much, and feeling nothing at all.  That you should sink fully into whatever the day calls for.

I feel both suspension, and forward motion.  A strange mix of being in the present, and looking ahead.

This is where the universe has me placed today, in time, for a needed reason on this blue planet.

And everything is okay.


Deena Marie

You.

Last night I was watching you as you talked,
and I could see around you a tapestry of everything that has made you, you.
I sensed the home you grew up in, saw your parents, your childhood.
I loved them deeply for without them you would not be you.
I started thinking about all the people that will get to know you
over the course of your life,
and those who won't.
Then I got sad.
Thinking of all the people who will miss out on knowing you.
Friendships you'll never make.
Yet I got picked.  I am rich.  I am chosen.
I am in awe I get to know you, love you, be married to you.

My muse.

My muse.  My mirror.  My guide.

He keeps me in the moment more than I’ve ever been, 

I've realized love is fragile, and precious, 

and I don’t dare to take a second of it for granted.
There is no option other than to be here, now.  

He keeps me in love with our life together.  

I find myself wanting our human experience to freeze in time.  

I don’t want us to grow old, I don’t want us to die.  

I want this.  

There was a time when I longed for anything but,
now I am grateful to be bound to earth.

I am boiled down to my essence, love.  

I am full to the brim.

I am not asked to fit into his already established life, 

instead we are two equals agreeing to build together. 

Embracing the empath

Recently I shared an article on my Facebook from Elephant Journal called, "How to love an empath."  I've blogged about this before, and I think about it all the time.  What it's like to exist as a highly sensitive person (HSP).  How to describe it, and how overloaded my mind and emotions can get.  They are at level ten just about all the time, and while I've lived this way my entire life, there are times when all I want is out.  To be somewhere else for awhile.  I want to crawl out of my body and escape it for awhile.  It took me a long time to realize it's not only okay to be a HSP, but that it actually has a name.  While I appreciate those things, I often long for a break.

I don't let many people in deeply, so if you don't know me well you'd never know.  I am often outgoing and funny and lighthearted on the outside.  This also reminds me of how complex every human must be, and how they must be going through a million things at any given moment, no matter the scale or the depth of their feelings.  Being human is weird and hard and unnatural for everyone, not just me.  I am not alone.

Back to this article.  I posted the link and tagged a couple of my friends who I know exist at this level with me, and one of them, Sarah, responded with this: "It's by far and away not the easiest creature to be, but to experience the highest highs and the deepest depths of being human is something I'd never give up at any cost."  A few days later, her Facebook status read, "Some nights, the swirl of human emotion surrounding me reaches a feverish vibrational pitch and sleep escapes.  Still, I'd rather be turned into the song of the universe than be deaf to it's cadence and somnolent."

I realized that my feelings have been betraying me for some time now when it comes to the accepting of being a HSP.  She appreciates the being she is.  But do I? I constantly struggle with "surrender, accept, allow."  In fact, I'm sure at this point that those are the lessons I am in this life to learn.  Since I'm in a line of warrior archetypes, this is the hardest thing you can ask of me.

Dear Athena before me, how did you do it?

I'm recently experiencing things that are setting off an alarm deep in my subconscious.  I'm not yet accepting.  I can say it, but it's not true.  I'm still fighting all that I am.  When I wake up in the morning and I'm already overwhelmed with my questions of the universe and instantly analyzing every choice in my life that led me to this journey…well, it can be a bit much.  I want to fight it off, get out for awhile.  I start to tell myself how alone I am and how strange this is, and that it's just too much.  I think how much easier it would be to be a being who's thoughts and feelings never ran too deep.  I want out of my gift.  Gift.  Is it a gift?

Is it a blessing or a curse?

What we learn in childhood really does stick.  It can be undone, I do believe that, but boy is it deeply seated.  Maybe I'm truly not over being told in my youth, "you're too sensitive!" Almost as if I was in trouble for it! Long before my family knew better.

The thing is, I just thought I was squared away, and I've recently learned I've still got a lot of work to do.

That's all for now.


Deena Marie

The universe in you

Last night as I got in my bed and turned out the light, I tried to be still and turn the focus inward.  

I concentrated on what is inside and the image of a nebula came to me.  I’d never quite pictured that before, but I almost laughed out loud, it felt so right.  It’s so hard to contain what we are inside this skin.  Being a human always feels so unnatural.  Of course it does! It literally is! 

No wonder we’re all such a mess.  So slow to open our minds and our hearts, to begin the path down enlightenment on any level.  We don’t know what to do or how to do it and in this particular time when I am me and you are you, we find ourselves with limits and labels and rules and voting and predjudices. 

It’s just really fucking hard to fit the star stuff we are into a temporarily tangible being and figure out how we're supposed to make a "life" out of it.  

And, well, I’ve never been sure I’ve cared for it much.

I constantly want out, and off, and up...

My wish for you.

My wish for you:
I wish for you to have love.
To keep searching if you haven't found it yet,
and to never settle.
To experience a love that comes easy, 
and not force a fit because you wish it would be so,
or you've told yourself you're running out of time.
I wish for you to follow your truth to love,
because that's where it leads you. 
Every time.
I wish for you to release a love,
if it isn't the right love.
It is a hard and ultimately selfless act
to cut the strings
and free them to seek their love.
I wish for you to love someone more
than you love yourself, or a career.
I wish for you to be relieved, home, made whole, by love.
To be freed and enhanced.
I wish for you to wholeheartedly believe that you deserve love,
that you are perfect and worthy
of love just as you are,
That love is not selfish and does not
have to be conditional.
It should fill you, not deplete you. 
And if it is, and if it does, then it is not IT. 
Keep seeking.
Miracles happen every day. 

To the women.

Just a thank you to the women in my life.
As I've grown up I've come to appreciate you all more.
To value, cherish, to need you.
Family and friends.

To those who've stood by me through hard times.
To those who've listened.
To those who asked the questions to help me clear my heart and head.
To those who asked nothing, but were simply there by my side.
To those who moved on along with me when life carried me to all sorts of unexpected places.
To those who revealed your deepest secrets to me, to let me know I wasn't alone.
To those who were there before and could tell me what they learned.
To those who've never been there but still loved me unconditionally.
To those who have always made an effort to be a presence in my life.
To those who have seen me cry.
To those who have seen me flounder.
To those who have celebrated successes with me.
To those who have let me talk and talk about the same thing in circles, because I needed to.
To those who changed my diaper, played barbies with me, let me play dress up in your clothes.
To those who didn't tell me what to do, but told me they'd love me no matter what.
To those who went to bat for me.
To those who encouraged me.
To those who raised me, who taught me to walk, and talk.
To those I don't remember who met me as a baby and would never see me grow up.
To those who I am named after.
To those who let me be me.
To those who continue to make the effort to get to know the me I am in the present, now, today, as I change through the years.
To those who taught me to cherish the value of female relationships, simply by being you.
To those who've brought me a sense of sisterhood.
To those who have gone above and beyond for me and leave me wondering how I'll ever repay you.
To those soul sisters, who regardless of location, makes me feel loved by our unwavering connection.
To those I've never met in person but who give me strength from afar because of how brave you are.
To those who teach me in ways they'll never know not to shrink but to grow.


Deena Marie

Three Times the Charm.

I've been proposed to three times.  That's right.  By three different men.  At three different times in my life, the man I was in a relationship with got down on one knee (or not) and asked me to be his wife.  That means I've had three different wedding dresses.  Three different rings.  Is your mind blown yet?

I've been a little more open in talking about my past relationships in this blog with my last post, and now this one.  The older I get, the more authentically I live.  As in, I just want to be, surround myself with, and seek out the real.  I crave it.  I've also realized there is no such thing as pretending big experiences didn't happen.  Burying it is not sustainable, and you can only pretend to forget, or deny.  And why should you want to? That's the big one.  Everything that happens to you, the good and the bad, is your story.  It makes you who you are.  It alters you, it informs you, and you grow from it.  

This isn't to say I feel my life or my past is anybody's business I don't want it to be. And I've learned that I don't owe an explanation to anyone.  Boom! Power back! But there are some things I'm willing to share.  I've done my work to clear out, heal, and I'd like to give it to you as I approach my wedding day. 

Have you seen the movie, Mr. Nobody? There are three timelines in which he makes a choice, propelling him down a path.  Each one is very different.  In each one there is a different wife.  There are variations on each path, as well.  If you don't chose, everything is possible.  But there's no such thing as not choosing anything, because even nothing is something.  In the end the lesson is that there is no wrong choice.  There are just choices (I've blogged about this concept before).  But there are also some things that simply do seem to be part of our destiny.  

We decide what to do in any given situation based on what we know at the time.  How much life experience we have behind us, how we perceive the world, the type of personality we are, who we are genetically, who we think we should be, etc.  

There is no wrong choice. 

The first time a boyfriend got down on a knee, he had no ring.  He was nervous.  He was shaking.  He was on his way to work at the bookstore.  He took the ring I was wearing (a birthday present from my parents) and moved it to my ring finger, saying to wear it there for now.  He went to work.  I was on my way somewhere, stopped at the train tracks when I called my mom to tell her I was engaged.  Silence, followed by, "Oh."  She wasn't happy about it.  Later, we bought our engagement rings and my wedding band. I bought a wedding dress.  We had a downpayment on a reception center.  He called it off.  I thought I would die.  I survived.  It was back on.  We were going to elope.  It was called off again.  It blurs from here, the cycle of on then off.  It was a long time ago.  It was juvenile.  It wasn't real.  It wasn't to be.  It turned out fine. 

The second time I was proposed to, he had a ring.  He'd picked it on his own.  It was enormous.  Gorgeous.  I don't even want to tell you what it cost.  It was a planned proposal.  It was Halloween.  I remember what I was wearing.  I'm not going to tell you all of the details, because they are mine.  I married him.  We eloped.  Little planning is required for eloping.  No way will I share that day with you.  It's mine, all mine.  We were married for six years.  It was real.  It wasn't to be.  I thought I would die.  It turned out fine.  Except when it wasn't.  And then it was fine again, and then it wasn't.  It blurs from here, the cycle of fine, then not.  It wasn't that long ago.  It wasn't juvenile.  

The third time I was proposed to, he had a ring.  We picked it out together.  It's absolutely perfect.  I look down at my left hand now, and with this one there is no sense of playing house, being unprepared, or wearing a symbol of defiance for my parents' sake.  There is no underlying question when I see my ring deep down (so deep) that maybe this ring is too extravagant, and not quite me.  Gone is the most secret of feelings that I tried to deny and never, ever wanted.  The feeling that getting married was what I thought I was supposed to do at that time.  That the ring felt off, because it represented being trapped in the wrong choice.  

The third time feels like the only time.  The real time.  The conscious choice.  The choice I make as a healthy adult who's been through it.  The self-aware choice to embark on a marriage and a life with this person, at this time, knowing what I know now.  Knowing who I am, and what my strengths and faults are in a relationship. Knowing my deal breakers.  Knowing what it feels like to be loved by good guys and not so good guys.  Knowing what I'm looking for.  Now when I look down at this ring, I see the symbol of what fits me, literally and emotionally.  I'm reminded that I was brave as hell and survived the worst of the worst.  I fought! I refused to settle! By god, there is such a thing as finding the love of your life!

There is no wrong choice.  And boy, this is very much my choice.

And I'm so deeply in love with this choice.

This time, I am freed.  I'm empowered.  I'm enhanced.  Whole, home, real.  

xo

Deena Marie 

It's none of your business, but I'm writing this anyway.

Against what might be my better judgement, I've decided to (finally) write this post.

I was in a relationship for years.  A lot of people in town know us.  They knew us together.  I don't know what they thought of the split.  Surprise? Probably.  Because publicly, we only shared the good.  Who doesn't? Who wouldn't? What I didn't share then, what he didn't share then, what I don't share now, what he doesn't share now, is because it's nobody's business.

I guess some people do share the good, bad, and the details every step of the way, but I don't.  He doesn't.  I think I can safely say that neither of us every will.

I should tell you right away that the last two years of my life have been huge.  Forever life changing.  I've been through a lot and I am simply not the same.  2012 was the worst year of my life.  At times, I thought I wanted to die.  I thought I just might.  I even thought of ways, locations, and certain dates that might work for my departure.  I felt done.  I have never fully disclosed everything that had gone on for me.  I don't think I ever will.  But I've never felt so down.  I'ver never been so close to that kind of despair.

In a nutshell, I decided instead to save myself.

I am doing my best to live my truth.  There also happens to be a lot of that truth I AM sharing with all of you.  I'm happy, you guys.  I'm truly the happiest I've ever been, and I want to tell the world.

In fact, I struggled for quite awhile (and still do from time to time if I'm honest) to accept I can and deserve to be this happy.

This breakup was devastating for both of us.  I'm still dealing with it.  You don't wake up one day, deciding to split.  It was not taken lightly.  I cannot stress that enough, nor can I describe for you my sadness over it.  IT WAS NOT TAKEN LIGHTLY.  It was one of the worst things I've ever been through.  I imagine little else could ever be worse.  It was a long time coming.  I don't want to tell you how long, and I don't want to delve into the details of my thoughts, emotions, or sadness over it.  That's for me, for him, and for our families.

You may think you know why we broke up.  You may have your own opinions, your own perceptions, even your own judgements.  I can tell you right now that you're probably wrong.  Or mostly wrong.  Because I will tell you only this much.  There are things that we lived through together that YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.  You could never even guess.

I have felt torn for quite sometime about ever knowing if I should put any of these words into the universe.  I felt that I would be "explaining" myself, when I know I shouldn't feel I need to explain anything.  But certain things are still haunting me, still making me confused.

Contrary to what you may think, I know who many of my Facebook friends and followers are.  Contrary to how busy or removed from it I may seem, you don't know my heart, head, and soul.  I'm just trying my best to move on, and not to dwell and talk publicly about the sadness I had.  And yes, at times, have.

I have been trying to shake off the sadness of people who did unfriend me when this happened.  It sounds so silly, but after the last two years, I've come out on the other end with anxiety issues and PTSD.  I am far more fragile.  Every little thing that happens hurts, and at times I feel it's just too much.  It overwhelms.  I counted a total of five people who left me suddenly without a word.  They weren't friends I saw every day, but they left enough of an impact on my life to cause me to notice and to feel saddened by this.

They impacted me at various times because of their kindnesses.  I can forgive, but I never forget.  I will never forget the powerful words from one (they till bubble up in me from time to time) when my Uncle passed away.  I will never forget, because not everyone reached out with their words and support that way.  Invitations.  Opportunities.  Gifts.  Friendships.  Fun times together.  Laughs.  Invites into their homes, and vice versa.  Maybe these things weren't as big of a deal to them, but I was touched, moved, and remember.  I don't let many people in.  But to me, these were people who I very much liked.  I truly considered friends.

Maybe this is a lesson in how we impact others more than we ever realize.  How others might think of us more than we ever know.

They are all adults.  Four of the five are all in non-traditional relationships.  For some reason, the combination of all of these things made me even more surprised to see how quickly they dropped me from their lives than someone young, or someone in a traditional relationship.  The older I get, the more I go through, and the bigger my compassion becomes.  I become more open, bigger, in my mind, my heart, my judgements.  I'm constantly learning that life can take you by complete surprise and turn your world upside down.  Again, and again, and again.

The things we plan for, and don't plan for, don't always line up with what's in store for us.  There have been so many times I've said "I'd never".  And it's happened.  It's been the only thing that could have happened.

I know people have their ideas.  They might see the two of us are no longer Facebook friends, and assume we hate each other.  Well, we don't.  Facebook is so tricky.  We only get the smallest percentage of the story.  You might think we've had no contact.  We no longer speak.  I'll tell you right now that we saw each other just last week and have had a few conversations lately.  Guess what else? They were nice.

I'm telling you.  You.  Don't.  Know.  BELIEVE ME.
You don't know the timeline of events.  You don't know the events leading up to the breakup.  You don't know the eight year history.

"To have an opinion about something, you must first experience that thing."

I'm just surprised, and having a hard time experiencing that people shut out, shun, pick a side when that was never the point.  Never the goal. I didn't tell anyone to take a side.  Neither did he.  And even if one of us did? Why would you listen? I don't have one mean or bad thing to say about him.  Be his friend.  And you can be mine, too.  My personal relationship will still continue to not affect YOUR life.  Just like yours doesn't affect mine! I will love you regardless! All of you who've ever shown ME kindness.  Because things happen, people split, life goes on, and so it goes.  Unless what you do hurts me, that's your own business to sort out as you will.  Maybe some people only liked me because I was in that partnership.  I don't know.  If so, then I didn't realize that, I didn't feel that, so egg on my face.

I do understand that we're only human and it's in our nature to react.  But it's so pointless.  It's like, even to this day I hear a celebrity couple splits, or a well known couple in our community and I gasp in shock and say, "no!" just the same.  Then I catch and remind myself that I know nothing about it, and just because I was used to it or comfortable with it doesn't mean I know one thing that went on under that roof.  So why do I care so much?

People break up.  It SUCKS.  It HURTS.  If it could have worked, I'd be there.  If it was supposed to be, it would be.  Nothing can be forced.  That's the bottom line.  Sometimes things break, and there is no fixing.  In the end, we'll both be better off.  Give it time.  Let this heal.  Let him heal, and move forward.  Let me heal, and move forward.  Don't add to the hurt.  Just be there.

If anything, be happy.  Be happy we're freed of a situation that no longer served us.  And that we've got the freedom now to find what will.

We only ever know a sliver of the story.  Or our brain jumps to fill in the gaps, based on our projections and image.  Our experiences.  We want love to succeed! We love the idea of certain couples together! I get it.  We assign a role.  Someone must be to blame.  Someone will be the villain, someone will be the victim.  We want to put all our sympathy only in one person.  We'll forever feel for Jennifer Aniston because of what "Brad did to her".  Because she will "forever be hurt, forever lonely", when we know nothing about her! Why do we so quickly forget there is no such thing as 100% blame? That things are gray, muddy, and it takes two to be in a partnership? That sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you simply aren't the right mix of two?

There is no way to know what the world is from someone else's point of view.  I can't imagine what goes on behind closed doors of any given couple when it's just the two of them.  Anyone reading this knows just what I mean, because you'll think of those times when you've been so raw, with just that one other person, and how you couldn't imagine sharing that with anyone else.  "If they only knew!", you'll think.  And this will make you want to laugh, or cry, or both.

Life is so short.  I do the best I know how, until I know how to do better.  I never set out to deliberately hurt anyone.  Hurting someone I loved, love, spent time with, spend time with, is hard enough on me.  Let me bear the burden.  You don't have to.  It's not for you.

I could stay silent, I could pretend I'm not affected by what I perceive as harsh judgements.  I could say I wish I was stronger.  I certainly used to be.  But I'm done wishing I was, or I wasn't anything.  I'm done with labels.  I'm done with should's and shouldnt's.  I am me, and this is who I am, today.

The irony is, the people this post is "for" will most likely never come across it.  Since I've been unfriended not only in real life, but in cyberspace as well.  Maybe the lesson will ultimately be mine.  Maybe through all of this, I'll learn whatever I need to after the hurt passes.  Maybe the words just finally needed to tumble out of me.  Maybe I'll feel lighter after I post this.

I do what I can to get by as a sensitive person in what feels like a sometimes too-rough world.  Just like you. I seek out my truth and authenticity as much as I can, daily.  I seek my truth to become a better version of myself, so that I'm a better partner, friend, daughter, granddaughter, niece, fiancé, employee, actor, person.

I want you to be a friend to me based on my direct relationship to you, and that alone.  I don't want to be defined by my personal or romantic relationships that don't concern you.  I want to be free.  Free from a feeling of bullying.  By feeling shut out of a community of people.

I want to wake up without a heavy heart.
I want to feel supported.
I want to feel emotionally, mentally, and physically able to do my best.
I want happiness.
I want to grow.
I want to keep expanding.
I want to keep growing in my acceptance of others.
I want to keep growing in my compassion for others.
I want the best for those in my past, and those in my life now.
I want to feel free of heartache, of sadness.
I want to heal now.
I want love.
I don't want to be judged.
I want to be included, not excluded.
I don't want to be defined by who I love...

Just like you.



Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie

Two years.

"What I want you to know, you, yes you, is that there was a time when the people who are not, were still in the world. Made of earth. And they were vibrant and alive. Life was localized and it was musical and smelled of cinnamon and spice. It was loud. A vibration of generations connected by our invisible dewdrop spiderweb. I was so conscious of it then. It was tangible. I could almost see it. I can hear it still. It echos in me." 

-Deena Marie, 2012


Two years ago today, almost down to the exact hour, my uncle chuck left earth.  I don't feel like posting pictures.  But I can't go without words on this day.

The first experience with this thing we call death.

If you could peek inside my head and heart you'd see why that was the moment.  From then on, nothing would ever be the same.  For me, for any of us.  I could never have imagined that that was the beginning.  The beginning of the shift.  The new normal. Nothing would remain the same.  My internal makeup would completely change.

I've been thinking a lot about that, and while I've mentioned it here plenty of times since then, how do I try to explain what that means? My internal makeup would completely change.

I wrote this blurb the other day,

"Ever since, I worry my eyes can't see.
Won't focus, will stop seeing, have blurred.

I worry my breath is running out, has become too shallow, 
no longer supports me.

I feel myself flicker and worry I keep trying to transcend.  
Involuntarily, my consciousness slips in and out and I have no control.

I wonder if in fact I don't exist."

I thought my soul was going to jump right out of my body.  I felt like I could barely contain it.  "Here we go", I'd think to myself as the feeling would come on.  I could be anywhere.  Driving in the morning.  Sitting in front of the computer.  Getting ready to meet a friend for coffee.  I could barely focus.  I realized how serious it could be the day I rear ended a car coming off of the freeway for no reason.  I knew I was slowing down, I knew there was a car in front of me.  I simply didn't see it.  I kept leaving myself.

And my dreams.  If only you could have seen my dreams.  I've seen the brightest lights as I'm falling asleep.  "Here we go," I'd think to myself.  "Transcending again." I've seen visions. I've seen heaven.

I've felt my heart race to the point of panic and my brain go fuzzy.  My body kept betraying.  Now I realize it has a name.  You can call it anxiety, you can call it PTSD. I call it the new normal.  And it's getting better.  Patience.  Time.  I am feeling less connected to the physicality and other worldly-ness of two years ago.  

I no longer worry I don't exist, have died, will slip off the earth and into the blue before it's time.

I'm here.  I'm meat and bones and thoughts and feelings.  I am temporarily tangible. How lucky.

Two years later.

What was your journey, my family? Where are you now? Are you who you want to be? Did you find your truth? Are the last two years still teaching you? Are you still learning? Have you expanded? Are you where you wanted to end up? If not, go get it.  Run. Look how long, and short the two years were.  Waste not.  There are no rules now! There is no fear now! There is only love, only this moment.  What a gift.

Heal.  Heal now.  I will if you will.


Deena Marie

Small.

I am in the produce section of an unfamiliar grocery store.
It is mother's day.
It strikes me as being a little crowded, but since I don't regularly shop there
I can't know for sure.
I'm aware it is a holiday and assume all of these people are here
for the same things as we are.
Mother's day dinner, or treats.  Greeting cards, last minute flowers.

I am surprised at how many flowers are still left, but how few cards.

I have a sense of unity.  We are all here for one purpose.
We're all doing the same deed.

I pass a man, who is on the phone.
We will continue to keep crossing paths over and over until we both leave the store.

His words are universal.  Generic.
He seems to be reciting from memory the contents of a card or a letter.

I'm struck with how it's all the same.  Always.
The same words.  Catchphrases.  Cliches.
It's all the same for all of us.  People.  Doing the same thing here, today.

It strikes so hard, the smallness of how we speak.  Spend time.
It's suddenly so disappointing.  Off putting.
How can there be so few ways to say what we feel?

These small words sadden me.
I am sad with my options.
I long for more.
I don't know them myself, or how to find them.

But I never want to trap, or be trapped in such a small way.

I will fight to keep seeing, to express beyond.

Deep.  I always want to go deeper.
More.  I always want more than what I'm given.
Being a human has always felt too small.

Six minutes.

I am running from my front door to get my car, which is at a lot at the end of the road.
I will time it.  It will take six minutes.
In six minutes I will try to discover the secrets of the universe.

I start with remembering the Summer of Sad.  2012.
I always seem to find myself there at times like this.  In the in between.
How I can't do anything I used to before, or during, the Summer of Sad.
The association, you see.  This is the first time I've run outside since that summer.
Back when all I did was run outside.  Anything to keep moving.
This makes me sad.

Everything has changed, I'm a far cry from where I was.
Life is rich.  But I'm doing what I did then.
This running.  Outside.
Sumer of sad.  Sad, sad summer.

I am seized.  I almost slow down, but instead I pick up the pace.
If only you could know that summer.  Then you'd understand.
Why nothing could remain the same.
Why I tumbled inside and out until I was new.

It's sunny.  It's getting warm.
This makes me sad.
I'm sad because I'm so happy.
I have the realization that I'm always in a state of perpetual heartbreak.
Who would I be, without my undercurrent of melancholia?
The haunting nostalgia that so few get to see?
It must comfort me.  It must be familiar.
I know longer worry I'm the strangest person on the earth.
The only one who feels too deeply for her own good.
I'm proud to know my lineage of archetypes, and that the line of me
goes both backward and forward, endlessly...éternel retour.

I want to cry because I used to be so sad, because I overcame it,
because I'm so deeply in love, because my life is so incredibly good, because I don't get to keep it, because I'll die one day, because I can't imagine my parents getting old, because I never want to be alive without the people I love here with me, because I don't ever want to part from the love of my life, because I want us all to leave the earth in hundreds of years from now, painlessly, at the exact same second.

Because it is all so, so painfully beautiful.

I think about eyes.  Two tiny eyes to be shown the entire world with.
What I would do if I suddenly couldn't see.
How despite not hearing music anymore, I think I'd rather not hear.
Blocking out the noise of the world is something I suddenly feel I could do,
but if I didn't have my eyes…

I think about my love.  Again and again I return to my love.
Soul partner, sent to me.  The only one.  My everything.
Words cheapen here.  I haven't discovered the right words yet.
It hurts.  My love is constantly on the verge of spilling out of me at any given moment.
I am so full of love inside.  Swollen.  It's sometimes too much to bear.
I'm positive I will explode.

I play the game of back and forth between the present, and Sad Summer.
I wonder what the future will hold, and if I'll ever be that sad again.
I wonder if I'll always be this happy.
What could be worse? What could be better?
I am seized.  I almost slow down, but instead I keep running...

Fragility.

I've sat down to write a blog here several times over the last few weeks.  I start, I stop.  I hit save instead of publish.  I think I'll come back to it.  I don't.  Snippets come and go through the day and when I think I've got one to expand on, it fizzles.  I can't quite get it together.   Maybe I'm trying a little to hard to make something out of nothing.  Or perhaps if I gather the bits of the nothings and just come here now, they'll form their own something.  Let's try.

I just realized that everything floating around in me lately has to do with opposition.  So many themes, perspectives, observations coming at me from opposing angles.

I have been thinking about judgement.  How unfair it is to judge another.  How deeply hurt I've been from others who I had once considered friends to have judged me.  Then I wonder why it hurts so deeply.  What am I missing from them no longer being in my life? How crucial were they to my life in the first place? Why do I think about it frequently? What do I so desperately want them to understand about me? And why would I feel like I ever needed to explain?

I think about how consciously I work to never judge another.  But I realize I still do it.  Not in big ways.  And that's what's so tricky.  Thoughts can be so sneaky! But I've started to tune in to that barely audible voice that quickly says, "I wouldn't have done that." Or "Why did / didn't he / she do that?"

Wait.  Maybe that's it.  That's the key.  Is this how life works? To dig deeper, spin it back to me, and question what I'm believing in that moment? To take a minute to become a little more aware, and think about what kind of reality I'm creating? What I must believe or not believe to feel this way or that about this person in that moment?

Well damn.

Okay.  I'll take it.  I'll keep learning.  Please, let me keep learning.  I'll keep questioning.  For the love of god, let me keep questioning.

Thoughts.  Thoughts truly are things.  And what fragile things they are.

I'm in love.  I'm in love like never before.  I love you.  What's the opposite of those words? I hate you.  Words must be so carefully chosen.  In any kind of relationship you're just a slip away from words that could damage, alter, or end it all.

Words are things.  And what fragile things they are.

I think about death a lot.  I have since May 27, 2012 and will for the rest of my life.  This is not to say I walk around in doom and gloom.  Quite the opposite.  It made me chose life, and chose to fill my life in a brand new way.  It showed me what matters.  It gave me awareness.  I'm aware I don't get to keep this life.  I'm aware I'm on a set amount of time in this body on this earth.  Let me say it again, I don't get to keep this life.  I don't get to keep my people, either.  I've watched two go, now.  The impact of their deaths rearranged everything inside my head and heart.  

I'm different now.  I saw the switch go off.  We're just a slip away.  From breathing, or not breathing.

Lives are things.  What fragile things they are. 


That's it for now….

New Year Surprise!

You guys.
This is still a work in progress, but I'm impatient.
So here you go!

THIS!  

Thanks for reading,

Deena Marie