HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Magazine cover!

Can I get a hells yeah? I am so thrilled with the cover of this weeks "IN" magazine (top picture)! I wish I had the photos to post from the inside, too! I'll see what I can do to find them! (Bottom picture is from may last year, same mag.)

Tomorrow is my birthday! 

I'm performing for the big "IN" magazine party, doing a song/burlesque routine to "Whatever Lola Wants".  I have the most amazing attire to perform in...I'm very excited.  

Last night some of my favorite peeps put together a birthday dinner for me at one of my favorite restaurants.  I soooo needed the night out.  And the sake.  And a beer.  And friends.  It's been a long ass week.  I had an hour and a half audition yesterday.  If it works out, I'll be pretty much in day rehearsals for that, night rehearsals for "Infantry Monologues" (yes, the one I've twittered about aka the 25 page monologue) with "Infantry" performing end of may & the other performing mid June.  

Uh, hello! Nothing else I'd rather be spending my day doing! 

I'm trying to change my mindset of hating birthdays to celebrating them.  Right now it's working, I'm feeling nothing but excitement over this magazine cover & this cool party tomorrow night.  Now stuff like that certainly doesn't happen every year! 

Tonight will be spent relaxing, watching last nights "Lost", maybe getting a video out on youtube & rehearsing for tomorrow! 

Deena 

little cousin

Here i am on St. Pattys day at the museum with one of my little cousins.

Okay, so he may be taller than I am now...

but I still remember the first time I held him!

Oh, and the last  one is my mommy. 

~Deena

No time! But...

Geez! What the? Haven't blogged in ages! 

Sorry for neglecting you, little blog.

I don't have time for details right now...

I promise a longer post this week.  

In a nutshell? I've uploaded three new videos in a week to http://www.youtube.com/BeanerLaRue so go check them out if you haven't! My 'mom', Lola, is back in her third video for youtube's adopt a feature program, in a video titled "My Mom Swaps (Audioswaps).  Read the video info.  The second is a behind the scenes of a photo shoot with a local photographer.  I have had the footage for two months now and was waiting to put the real photos in it, but since I still haven't gotten them, I went with what I have.  I really love the way this one is edited.  One of my favs.  It was their vision of what Bella from "Twilight" would look like after she turned Vamp.  Not from the book, Bella, I repeat: This is THEIR version! Twilight fans are so fucking hardcore it's ridiculous.  That one's called Yesterday I uploaded my entry for the Ford Fiesta Movement.  Please be sure and watch and comment! It makes me laugh.  A lot.  I don't usually lol at my own videso, but I think because my sweetheart and I were having so much fun shooting while we did it...it's a special one.  In non youtube related news, I've had quite a few theatre offers coming my way...currently in memorization hell (I say this with love) for a play I'll be doing soon.  This requires me to learn a 15 page monologue.  Also busy planning for my birthday party / "IN" magazine Scene in SLC party on March 27th! 

Oh, and as for the muppet pic up top? You know when you can't for the life of you remember the name of something? I was trying to tell someone about that particular muppet and my mommy finally remembered her name is baby Natasha.  So I had to google her.  That pic is now my screensaver. 

More later this week!

Deenie 

Something in the air...

I'm a firm believer that if you want something bad enough and WORK towards it long (and hard) enough it happens.  I truly, truly believe it.  

Remember when I started this blog, for the new year, with high hopes to be as optimistic and stress free as possible? To "let my inner light shine" and spread that positivity to others, etcetera etcetra? Well I feel like the last couple weeks I totally backtracked.  I tend to get so focused and super introspective and hard on myself.  I get in so deep I don't realize how negative this becomes for me.  It results in me totally trapped inside my head, overthinking everything.  

What happened to the enjoying little things and celebrating successes? With me things don't usually happen gradually.  I'm more of a quick change artist.  Well yesterday I snapped out of it.  I think it happened during a conversation with my sweetheart at dinner about people who aren't pursuing their own happiness.  Be it their creativity work, relationships, etc. People we know of who are stuck in a rut and years are going by and they're wasting valuable time.  Fear holds them back and they have nobody to blame but themselves.  I get so passionate about this when it's someone I care about.  I do not and will not ever understand someone who doesn't make changes, take risks and do everything in their power to be happy and successful and who they want to be.  

I think that I fear this so much that that's why I get so hard and critical and introspective, demanding more, more, more! Is it good enough? Am I doing enough? What else can I do? What more can I do? But.  In doing so I don't stop to realize how lucky I am.  The amazing things that have come my way, especially the last few years and that if I don't chill the fuck out I will never enjoy them.  One day I'll wake up and youth and excitement will be over and that will have been that.  

It's simple, really.  We either are or we aren't.  We do or we don't.  I want to choose to be happy.  To be confident in me and not to beat myself up every step of the way.  The fact that this industry is always changing, there's no guarantees, it's different every project is it's blessing and it's curse.  I can't spend so much time wondering what's next that I don't enjoy the current.  I can't live in a constant state of future thinking.  

Anyway.  Yesterday it seemed to lift and all of a sudden I felt fabulous and beyond fortunate to have many of the things and opportunities I've dreamed of all my life.  

I think it's also because I sense something coming...something big...something exciting is suddenly in the air.  I totally feel it.  I feel so super nostalgic lately and have so many memories flashing through my mind from all sorts of different times in my life..  Just absolutely immersed in nostalgia and this afternoon I realized it means something...like everything I've ever been through is coming  together for something new and huge.  Call me crazy, but I'm putting that out into the universe!  

In other news...I went to a callback for a movie today, the character ("DEENA", I shit you not) is described as a Dita Von Teese wannabe (RIGHT?!), so there I am, running around on a thursday afternoon with red lipstick, leather tights and heels.  Can we say honks and catcalls? I'm sure everyone thought I was hookin'.  Do the sicko guys who do that shit seriously think we're gonna stop, walk over there & give them our number? I mean, really.  What is that supposed to accomplish?

Anyway.  I'm eating candy, cuddling my puppy and watching Ugly Betty now.  Peace, I'm out!

xo Deena Marie 

Haters, features, projects, birthday!

Good lord.  Seriously?! 

Hello boys and girls.  Todays topic: Internet hate.  I've talked about this in previous blogs but it's weighing heavily on my mind right now.  Recently a youtuber friend of mine was featured in 'people & blogs'.  She's been on youtube two years and this is her first feature.  She is a vlogger and fellow actor and the sweetest thing.  For some reason, her video is getting a ton of hateful comments.  Every other comment is something rude.  Beyond rude.  Disgusting.  And there's no reason for it! There is no offensive content.  

Last week I had to deal with a situation online and instead of shrugging it off, which I do daily and sometimes more than once a day, it totally and completely upset me.  Again, back to my appearance and body and how terribly "unattractive I am because I am a skinny bitch."  It sounds silly on paper but COME ON.  

One can only take so much negative commentary on ones looks and physicality and the breaking point comes! 

Who wants to wake up to hate and cruelty first thing in the morning? I understand we've chosen to put ourselves out there and this means any nutbag can say anything at any given moment.  I've always said, and truly believe, that a hater must have such a sad life to want to be so hurtful to strangers.  Normal people don't behave that way, we all know this. But is it more than that?! Wouldn't you have to have some SERIOUS issues to type comments that are either vulgar or hurtful or sexual?  I can't believe the audacity.  

While my youtube friend ( the one mentioned above) seems to be doing just fine with this situation, I'm so disgusted by it.  And by the daily bullshit I get as well.  It gets old.  And what is it a hater is hoping to do by those comments?! Really?! 

I just had to vent.  

It's sickening to me some people are either raised to believe this behavior is ok, or so unhappy with themselves that (trying) to tear happy and successful people down is the only thing that makes them feel better.  

Anyway.  My latest video, Octo Mom parody is now over 100,000 views and youtube has Spotlight/Featured this video as well as promoted it and that's brought me over 11k subscribers! Youtube has been very kind to me.  They featured my video "The Joke" front page just 2 months after starting my channel.  They featured a video of me and my puppy in Pets/Animals, and three others in the comedy section.  Two collab videos I was a part of were also front page features! I'm glad someone there has their eye on me! I feel very lucky.

In other news! I was recently sent two scripts to read, one I've officially accepted.  Rehearsals begin in may.  Three of us in the cast, two men and me.  Each of us will have a monologue, running about 35 minutes each.  I'll be starting memorization on my 15 page piece asap.

I'm now freelancing with a local papers new website, cityweekly.net, making videos exclusively for the site, so be sure and drop by from time to time!

Had a great film audition the end of last week...will keep you posted!  There's nothing like the high after a good audition.  

My birthday is coming up! March 27! 

I have to admit not being "early 20's" is freaky, BUT I'm trying to think of the celebration rather than the panic.  I'm super excited for the date, actually, because I've been asked to perform for (local paper) IN Magazines 'Scene in SLC' party at a club here.  Scene in SLC is a section in the weekly paper featuring scene makers, they featured me last spring.  Should make for a great party.  And I think I'm the only chick performing! Yeah! Haven't decided exactly what I'll be performing, but I will very soon!

That's it for now.  I've been super addicted to "The Bachelor" this season and I'm so excited for tomorrow night it's ridiculous.  How will I ever wait?! Arghhh!

Pizza time.  Byeee!

xo 

ME 

Realizations of relationships past, present & future...

1.) I've recently connected with a girl friend who was a huge part of my life and couldn't feel happier about it.  She was/is a very special, rare human being who I hated losing contact with and feel overwhelmed at the possibility I could have her back in my life in some way.  I realize now I never should have let a certain boy take any priority over her.  But I was too young and inexperienced to know better at the time.

2.) I think there are different types of love, or of being 'in love'.  Before I got married, I was engaged to someone for a very short time and even bought a wedding dress.  Now I look at the time and realize I was never, not even for one day in love with him in the slightest.  It was just a strange companionship I somehow got caught up in and was the most unhealthy time in my entire life.  I am only thankful any of it happened because I can compare it to what I have and who I am today...and know that I am truly lucky to be where I am and with who I am with.  There is no one better suited for me than my husband. I also know now how strong I am and would never let someone treat me the way I was once treated again.  I can only turn it into something positive now be able to recognize cowardice and abuse...and now real love, honesty and happiness.  I don't believe in regret.  I believe everything happens for a reason, but if I could? I'd go back and kick myself in the ass for being such an ass to waste so much time with that ass!  Karma, baby. 

3.) I thought I'd had my heart broken a zillion times all throughout my life when a boy didn't like me back or when a 'relationship' ended.  Now I realize it only happened once.  A boy in nyc after I'd just moved into his apartment.  The way he did it? By saying "I don't love you".  Never will I forget those words.  Never will I forget how I felt the next day.  I. Truly. Thought. I. Was. Going. To. Die. But I did get up.  I got off the couch.  I got my things.  I moved away.  Again, I suppose my path was to go through the worst before I could have the best.  I just hope that no person ever uses those words to end a relationship to anyone.  Ever.  "I don't love you".  And I am so glad I'll never ever worry about hearing those words again...ever in my life. 

4.) I don't understand people who can't take blame.  I have had close friends and known people who (whether they know it or not) can't hold a friendship or relationship and each time they suffer a falling out it's never them but how the other person did them wrong.  How can you not see that you're the common denominator? I'm a good friend.  A loyal friend.  A patient friend.  But I won't be walked on and taken for granted.  These people clearly need to work out issues before they can be selfless or giving people.  One day they'll wake up with a whole lotta nothin'.  And by then it just may be too little to late.  You gotta give and take and show empathy and respect to other people.  Don't come crawling back to me when you've exhausted everyone else. 

5.) Marriage completely changes you.  For the best.  For us, it completely enhanced everything that was already amazing in our relationship.  It's got nothing to do with a piece of paper but the vows.  And the words husband and wife have an inexplicable effect on you until you know what it's like.  And I'm learning everyday it only gets better as it goes.  It's true that you fall more in love each day.  Everything deepens and the sense of calm, safety, security and love I have now in my life is the most fulfilling thing in my world.

Moulin Masquerade

Last night the burlesque troupe I dance with, Voodoo Darlings Burlesque, put on the Moulin Masquerade show for Valentines Day.  It was a private function in a nice theatre with a cocktail hour prior to the show.  Tons of people came and many were in costumes and masquerade attire.  I opened the show, with a routine to C'est Si Bon (Ann Margaret version) and it was a blast! Here are a couple pics.  We had a real photographer there so I'll post those when I get them! Hope everyone had a most fabulous V day! xo

Deena 

Don't F@#K up Valentines Day!

A happy valentines day video from me to you.  Three of my favorite youtube friends and I collabed this year, so get over to my channel youtube.com/BeanerLaRue and watch "How not to F@#K up on Valentines day".  At the end of the video, you'll be able to click on the other three girls pictures to view their video.  Clever no? Something else I'd just like to point out, is another person I'm often told I look like is Katy Perry.  I've never really thought so until I watched this particular video.  Ok, maybe now I see what you mean.  A little.  Makes me giggle.  The above pics are from the vid. Anyway, working hard on the big show saturday night.   You haven't lived until you've seen some burlesque.  That's all for now!

xo

Deena Marie

It's real hard sometimes

Ever moved around? 

Spent a chunk of time, years, maybe in places other than where you grew up? 

I lived in NYC for a good length of time and sometimes I'll dream about it...and when I wake up my heart hurts.  It's like a breakup that still haunts me.  

While there are a zillion reasons I am glad I don't live there right now (like how I hate a crowded subway, how you can't be sure the subway won't stop for an hour underground and make you late, how you have to walk everywhere in the dead of winter through snow up to your shins, or in the middle of summer and after five minutes your hair is frizzy and makeup running down your face, how you really can't have a car so there's no such as thing as a leisurely drive to the grocery store...etc.) I sure do miss it at times.  

There's a part of me that feels like I was a completely different person when I lived there.  I can't quite remember what it felt like...I can't quite believe that was me.  Maybe that's part of what haunts me.  Every day that time in my life slips further away and I'm afraid to lose those memories and what it all felt like.  It truly was "the best of times and the worst of times"! I've never grown so much as I did during that time.  I was a baby then but I was fearless and adventurous and thought I knew everything there was to know in the world.  

I had my heart broken beyond belief...a boy who left me and in me leaving the city itself.  

It's SO funny where life takes you! I have not had many times in my life where I feel settled, where I feel home.  Where I am in my life at this very moment is only the second time I've ever felt it, the first being the childhood house I grew up in.  A lot of it has to do with being married and living in my own house now.  I am in love with my life.  I'm very lucky and I am amazed at how fortunate I am every day.  

Yet a restless part of me exists that will never go away.  It's me.  

It's a good thing.  

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here...or sure I know how.  I guess I feel like my precious time in nyc is like I once lived another persons life and have a zillion experiences in me tucked away in a hidden place...like I have a secret and nobody knows.  I guess I just wanted to say exactly that.  

That my heart still breaks over nyc in the greatest and hardest way...and I never want that feeling to fade.   Even when it hurts I'm aware that it's there, and that was me, and that was my life, and I couldn't be prouder of all that I achieved and went through in that strange city. ..

xoxo Deena Marie

THANK YOU!

Wowie, everyone! Your support in this Netflix contest has been above and beyond what I had ever anticipated! I have promoted on all of my sites, mainy facebook and a couple of times on blogtv.com  and while you've all probably gotten sick of hearing about it you've been so willing to help view and share and leave a comment and rating.  It's all helping! I am so touched by my viewers and friends! I check Netflix youtube page each day and was so surprised to see you leaving comments of support as well! I can't even tell you what it means to me!

THANK YOU to FREDDY! My fabulous co-star in "My Girl" who I adore working with and who has gotten a zillion people involved, even people who didn't even have a youtube account! He's been able to get so many of his friends signed up and supporting us, so thank you to all of them, too! You rock! 

As of today on youtube.com/Netflixgreatestkiss we're #2 Most Viewed and #1 Most Discussed.  We're at about 9,000 views and we'd like to continue on this path! If you HAVEN'T yet taken a peek, please do so! Head over to my channel youtube.com/BeanerLaRue and leave a comment and a rating on the video playing on my autoplay! Again, for everyone who's done this?! We cannot thank you enough! 

I hope Freddy is now officially sucked into the youtube world... I think he is! Mwa ha ha ha! His channel where he'll soon be uploading his own videos is youtube.com/monoatplay and you can follow him at twitter.com/FredShermanLee 

Only two days are left in the contest, so bear with me, and we'll get back to the norm and new videos at The Deena Show! Weeee! Have a great weekend everyone! :) 

xoxo Deena 

Why I "Youtube"

Ever since coming to youtube in December 2007, my life hasn't quite been the same! 

Right before I joined to post my own material, I had no idea what youtube was.  I knew it was a site you could go to and see funny home movies and clips of real tv shows and that was about it! 

I had relatives/friends post a couple videos on it of me before I joined, mostly runway footage and clips of plays I was in.  I still didn't understand.  They posted this how? People comment? Huh? As I started to make sense of it, I figured why not post my own work? I have been a performer and professional a long time.  But what would it mean to create something that could potentially be seen by thousands of people worldwide as opposed to hundreds of local people of whatever city I may be doing a play? 

Sketch comedy seemed like the way to go.  I've always been a goofball, since I was a little girl.  Just ask my family and close friends.  I remember acting out SNL skits for my high school drama class.  But as my career developed, I was almost always cast in dramas! I'm always crying my eyes out over something, dealing with a life or death situation (as characters).  People would be surprised to see my comedic side (and now those who know me from youtube would be surprised to know about my dramatic side).  

Let's face it, it takes a lot to hold my attention and I'm sure most people out there surfing the web are the same way.  Videos have to be funny, fun, short and highly entertaining.  People ask me if I knew I would do well on youtube.  Actually, I thought I would.  I knew there would in fact be people out there who would get it and who would enjoy it.  My parents might just be prouder than anyone.  After watching their only daughter grow up in funny costumes, doing funny voices and dances...they're glad I'm showing that side to the world.  

What I never knew, was that youtube is a community of fellow artists, creative minds, entertainers and friends.  Over time you seem to get to know everyone.  It takes awhile.  But it happens.  

I had no clue how to make myself known on the site at first.  I thought, well, better introduce myself! In the first couple of months I put in a lot of time leaving various comments and messages to anyone and everyone.  As I discovered who was already 'known' I would visit many of their pages, leaving comments for them, their viewers, etc.  Only much later did I find out this is called 'spamming' and not welcome in the community.  

To this day, when I get spam I really don't care.  I understand someone trying to be friendly and not knowing how to start.  Same with myspace.  I had to start somewhere with building an internet presence.  Actually it was all for the best or many people might not have ever come across my videos.  Everyone can make up their own mind to subscribe or ignore, I'm much more willing to give someone a chance than not.  The internet is a strange place and we're all trying our best to spread the word about what we do.  Today, I'll still send out a handful of friend requests here and there.  It's not pushy, it's a friend request.  And someone will choose to come your way, or not.  So that's what I'd suggest to those wanting to meet people on youtube.  

So why youtube? I figured it would be a way to create how I wanted, whenever I wanted.  Not too often in acting do you get the chance to be the boss! To do it all your way.  From writing to costumes to editing to casting.  I absolutely love that.  I also figured the more people were aware of me, the more opportunity it could lead to.  And it has more than I ever could have imagined.  It's definitely been one of the best decisions I ever could have made.  

There are people, of course, who will hate for whatever reason.  To hate just to hate, to hate because they're intimidated, to hate because they're threatened by you, to hate because they don't like what you do, to hate because they don't want competition, to hate because they want to bring someone down who is happy and doing what they love.  But fortunately I have the strongest core.  I don't live a life of negativity and pessimism.  I know who I am and what I want and live a very grounded 'real' life.  I don't let the crazy makers in.  Now of course there have been times where I've given a "f**k you" right back, but more often than not I just roll my eyes and block them.  Remember this, usually a hater is like 12 years old.  And if they're older? Well, what a sad life they lead! I see the world differently than a lot of people.  I don't have spare time to waste on pettiness.  You never know how long you'll be on this earth.  How long your loved ones will be.  What with my dad being sick, I know how fleeting everything is.  I don't believe in cruelty.  Everyone is someone's loved one.  Would you want you or your loved ones to be treated that way?! 

I firmly believe in karma.  I have seen firsthand the power of karma.  I choose to be happy and positive and follow my own path.  *Side note, I totally should have been born as a hippie.  I'm sooo in the wrong decade.  Blog on that in the future!* 

Meeting such supportive and wonderful people online has meant just as much to me as the outside jobs it's brought me.  The kindness of strangers has been truly remarkable.  It makes me want to be the best me I can.  

What I never set out to do (or even thought about) was to be any kind of a role model.  Or an inspiration.  But that's something that happened regardless.  I'm so moved when someone tells me I have inspired them to start making videos, or acting, or modeling, or pursuing their dream of any kind.  Isn't that what humanity is all about?  I believe we're each others teachers.  Whatever we have to offer to the world and to each other, we should.  

Anyway...this brings me to the latest little project, the Netflix Greatest Kiss contest.  I am so moved by the kind comments on my videos and on the site itself! OMG! The last two days I see so many of my friends and viewers saying the sweetest most supportive things and I just want to say thank you so much! You guys mean the world to me! This is something that I honestly wouldn't have thought to enter, had I not been approached.  I didn't know how to make these kissing videos, because I didn't feel it was "me".  But it turned out to be great, since I wanted to come up with the most creative ways to do this without being obvious.  I know constantly asking everyone for help with a contest doesn't always seem so attractive, either.  But just bear with me a few more days! Your support is truly overwhelming!!!!!!!! 

I'm so happy with my online life, but I know I have a long way to go! There are thousands of people that have yet to meet "BeanerLaRue".  

I plan to continue on my path of "The Deena Show: woman of 1,000 faces" my goal being to be a master of disguise and as versatile as humanly possible! 

So tell me.  Why do you youtube?  

What do you / did you hope to get out of it? 

How is it better / worse than you thought?  

xoxo  Deena 

And why the hell not shamelessly plug once more? 

Visit youtube.com/Netflixgreatestkiss 

and rate/comment/make a vid response for my

"My Girl - BeanerLaRue" video :)

"Domestic Bliss" Photo Shoot

A couple months ago I was asked to model for an amazing photographer, Vanessa Cheney.  Find her Cheney Photography group via facebook and see her work! I'll post more as I get them! 

xoxo

Deena

Nostalgia part I

(Click on pictures above for larger view!)

Every once in awhile...I find myself consumed with nostalgia.  Perhaps consumed is to strong a word.  More like a wave washes over me and stays there for a few hours, maybe a day.  It can be about many things.  I may be young, but sometimes I feel like I've lived a zillion lifetimes.  Sometimes I miss NYC.  Sometimes I think fondly of high school.  I smile to myself remembering days of community theatre and how simple everything was while I was longing for the real thing! I looked through old pictures tonight and decided to scan a few from my senior year of high school! I'm gonna post old pics from time to time to give you a glimpse into my "past lives"! The pics are (from top going down) from a play, going to a banquet, another play, a prom, and on my way to go on a date to the ballet.  

xoxo

Deena

Well f**k

(Above pic from Jared Golds Caspian Runway Event Dec. 07 want me to explain the red hair? I'd just played a role where I was blonde.  I was slowly back on the way to black for another role...and I thought this would be a fun way to stand out in the fashion show.  Yup.  I'm the kind of girl who will dye her hair for a one night event.  My hair has been every cut/color known to man but my agency likes me best when I stay consistently black, as they often send me out on the latina auditions.  So there's all you've ever wanted to know about my hair history.  Believe it or not, people often ask me about it!)

You know what really sucks my balls? 

Last weekend I (god, even as I write this I want to kick myself in the ass) was supposed to do a modeling gig.  A two night Ed Hardy fashion show. In Park City.  For Sundance. In a huge ass mansion.  With lots of people I should have met for networking purposes.  

And I -gulp- turned it down! Ahhhh! What the mother f**K?! It came at the worst time.  I had a couple other contracts and auditions at the same time and I didn't think I could make it to the friday one on time and the deal was you had to be available both nights.  

I hate when everything hits at once! I hate hate hate missing out on opportunities.  And today I read all about it and saw some photos in some local press and I felt totally bummed, man.  But I guess many options are better than no options.  Still.  I've said it before and I've said it again.  I need more hours in the day! *Cries*  

I'm off to a dinner celebration for a couple birthdays in the family.  I'll go drown my sorrows in a bit of wine.

PS FOLLOW ME, bitches! http://www.twitter.com/deenamarie

xo Deena Marie

Two features!

A huge THANK YOU to both REBEL PINUPS 

(found on facebook and myspace) 

and site ISTARDOM.COM for featuring my photos and videos! 

I'm so flattered!