Something in the air...

I'm a firm believer that if you want something bad enough and WORK towards it long (and hard) enough it happens.  I truly, truly believe it.  

Remember when I started this blog, for the new year, with high hopes to be as optimistic and stress free as possible? To "let my inner light shine" and spread that positivity to others, etcetera etcetra? Well I feel like the last couple weeks I totally backtracked.  I tend to get so focused and super introspective and hard on myself.  I get in so deep I don't realize how negative this becomes for me.  It results in me totally trapped inside my head, overthinking everything.  

What happened to the enjoying little things and celebrating successes? With me things don't usually happen gradually.  I'm more of a quick change artist.  Well yesterday I snapped out of it.  I think it happened during a conversation with my sweetheart at dinner about people who aren't pursuing their own happiness.  Be it their creativity work, relationships, etc. People we know of who are stuck in a rut and years are going by and they're wasting valuable time.  Fear holds them back and they have nobody to blame but themselves.  I get so passionate about this when it's someone I care about.  I do not and will not ever understand someone who doesn't make changes, take risks and do everything in their power to be happy and successful and who they want to be.  

I think that I fear this so much that that's why I get so hard and critical and introspective, demanding more, more, more! Is it good enough? Am I doing enough? What else can I do? What more can I do? But.  In doing so I don't stop to realize how lucky I am.  The amazing things that have come my way, especially the last few years and that if I don't chill the fuck out I will never enjoy them.  One day I'll wake up and youth and excitement will be over and that will have been that.  

It's simple, really.  We either are or we aren't.  We do or we don't.  I want to choose to be happy.  To be confident in me and not to beat myself up every step of the way.  The fact that this industry is always changing, there's no guarantees, it's different every project is it's blessing and it's curse.  I can't spend so much time wondering what's next that I don't enjoy the current.  I can't live in a constant state of future thinking.  

Anyway.  Yesterday it seemed to lift and all of a sudden I felt fabulous and beyond fortunate to have many of the things and opportunities I've dreamed of all my life.  

I think it's also because I sense something coming...something big...something exciting is suddenly in the air.  I totally feel it.  I feel so super nostalgic lately and have so many memories flashing through my mind from all sorts of different times in my life..  Just absolutely immersed in nostalgia and this afternoon I realized it means something...like everything I've ever been through is coming  together for something new and huge.  Call me crazy, but I'm putting that out into the universe!  

In other news...I went to a callback for a movie today, the character ("DEENA", I shit you not) is described as a Dita Von Teese wannabe (RIGHT?!), so there I am, running around on a thursday afternoon with red lipstick, leather tights and heels.  Can we say honks and catcalls? I'm sure everyone thought I was hookin'.  Do the sicko guys who do that shit seriously think we're gonna stop, walk over there & give them our number? I mean, really.  What is that supposed to accomplish?

Anyway.  I'm eating candy, cuddling my puppy and watching Ugly Betty now.  Peace, I'm out!

xo Deena Marie