My New York Diaries - Part 20

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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Sept. 14

"...I want The Guy to realize he wants to be with me, but I feel he doesn't know the real me to know that yet. Is it my fault? I feel like it's been harder lately with Ty always there."




School started. I was so excited to be in the same class with Lynn this time. It was also a relief to no longer have Martha around. I learned she wasn't the only one who either hadn't been invited back, or had quit. I still had Oscar, thank goodness.

I couldn't wait until we started doing school plays. The first one would be happening soon. It was called, "Museum" and it was a strange piece but a large cast. I see now how tricky it must have been for our teachers to choose a show that could include everyone. There was really only one "big" female role. That role went to Lynn. I thought the world of Lynn in every way. She was damn talented on top of being cute, fashionable, fun. In my eyes she had it all.

I was hardly in love with the play, but it was fun to see how our instructors saw and cast us. My role was one of the many small ones, I played the best friend to Lynn's character and we were at the museum to see the art work of an artist we were fanatic about and possibly the artist herself. It was alright, but I wanted my chance to do something, to do more.

I dyed my hair jet black. This was the beginning of me changing my hair regularly. I still do. It's been every length and every color. Now it's because I get bored with the same thing and I love to change it up. It's just hair. Back then I was trying to find myself and find how I could look and feel my best. Back then I didn't know how to take care of myself properly. I didn't know how to eat right or how to work out. I saw myself for the first and only time in my life gaining weight. Late nights of alcohol, food and lack of exercise was changing me. I hated it but I wasn't sure what to do. I remember the first day I came to school with my black hair and a teacher (who I always see in movies and on tv) passed me on the stairs and said, "you're so extreme, Deena!" I wasn't sure how to take that back then but now I think of it and can't help but laugh. I love that.

There were two girls in school with me who were absolutely stunning. Tall, skinny and gorgeous. I was so in awe. They were a couple years older. How did they look like that? What were their secrets? How do I do that? Supermodel 1 was super cool. She had the best clothes and was a bartender. I remember going to the bar she worked at one night and she made me a cosmo, my drink of choice. Seeing her there only made her cooler in my eyes. I remember nothing about her acting ability. I do remember she came to school on the first day of our second year even skinner. She walked in and we all did a double take. The difference was alarming. You know the scene in "Amelie", where she crumbles? There are those moments through life when you feel exactly like that and you know you'd crumble just the same if you could? That was one of those times.

Supermodel 2 was nice but could come across as prissy. She was from the midwest and seemed like it, although she'd lived in NYC for quite some time. She was very close with Harriet. They were a funny pair visually, night and day in height and looks. Supermodel 2 could not act her way out of a paper bag that first year. By the end of our second year I saw her do some work that impressed me. She'd grown leaps and bounds. It was a strange thing to witness. I think there is something to be said for natural talent but also for formal training. She learned a skill. She really was taught something she didn't inherently have.

Lynn and I were spending a ton of time together outside of school too. Which meant she'd hung out with me and The Guy...and had met and hit it off with Ty! Just when I was going to lose my mind with the constant threesome, Lynn was there to save the day. It was nothing short of magical to hit the town as a foursome and to have a girl friend to share it with.

Even so, I still had an underlying feeling that all was not quite as it should be. I wasn't completely satisfied.

What was I still searching for?




October 13

"Saturday night I went to a psychic with Lynn. Her reader was the one to sense my sadness but she told her not to advise me. That my decisions had to be made by only me, and I'd do it. Along the same lines my psychic told me to make my own decisions and not listen to advice or outside influences. He said the ones closest to me are the ones holding me back. He said this city is very draining to me. That I need to be around nature. He says I'll be here either 2-3 months or 2-3 years. He said he sees me doing what I came here to do and won't leave until I do it. He said this is where I need to be right now and the city is good for me in that respect. He says money wont be a problem for me. I'll be successful, have financial stability, have a business of my own. I'm a leader, not a follower. He said the west coast is where it will all happen. I'll travel a lot, maybe live in two places at once. He kept telling me how sensitive I am. My ora is blue. There has been, or is, or something a lot of backstabbers around me. He said this year has brought many changes and that I have to learn to be still. Not to backtrack, not move forward, but just be still. He says the sixteenth of next month there will be a big change. A big change is coming. Career and financial wise but that it will be very overwhelming and I'll feel like putting something to the side with so much on my plate. He says I need to be taking care of myself and working on me before I can really be in a relationship and when I do know me, guys will have more respect for me. He says the guy I'm with now will be someone I'll learn a lot from. It is a positive thing for me. I care about him a lot and want him to care about me, too and he does. But he has a lot going on he needs to sort out. He's trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. That he is sensitive. He's easily influenced by others and will do things they want him to do, even things he doesn't want to do himself. He said there is a communication problem with us. A distance. That I'm not getting what I want from him and that I wont wait around for him to come around. He says that I haven't met the one and wont for 3-5 years. By 2006 I will have. He says love comes to me but it isn't a matter of the right person at the right time yet. He says until then there will be other men and it will be good, or positive, I think, but they won't be it. He says the one I'm with now should not be what I should be focusing all my time and energy into. That I need to be open to other men. He mentioned a great friendship a couple of times. Lynns psychic told her she'd meet a photographer...she'd met Ty. My psychic told me to watch what I put into my body. That I'll have a long and healthy life. All of this weirded me out and made me sad but I don't believe the seeing into the future part. I think they're sensitive people who are good at picking up on others characters or sensitivity, and the future is all a gamble. I understand now how Kyle went to his psychic and then thought he was for awhile because I feel it, too. I feel is if there is a number of people I can sit down with and lay it all out to in a way that could be articulated to sound prophetic. Anyway. I get sooooo incredibly internal and over analytical. Negative and examining myself that I can't see the forest through the trees..."




I felt awkward that Lynn was now clued in to the fact that I wasn't completely happy. I know we talked a little bit about it afterward but I also wanted to down play it. We went for drinks after and she had some of her guy friends meet us. The only other thing I remember about that night was all of us drunkenly going into a deli for Ben & Jerrys that I just had to have. I was excited to get my favorite kind. We went back to her place and she put it in the microwave despite my protests. She kept in in there for far too long and when it came out it was practically soup.

If I'd been bummed before, now I was really bummed she'd just ruined my favorite ice cream.


Postcard for our show. Here is the front, all info & cast was listed on the back:


Shot from the show:


That's Lynn on the left. That's me with the black hair & black pants. See the girl holding the camera? That's Harriet. Next to her is Steve, who's room I took in my new apartment.






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html

Missoni for Target

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9/14/2011 This just in! I went back to Target and was able to grab the last of it. The site is mostly out of stock! Finally got some items in accessories, beauty and more womens clothing. Now I think I've got more than enough. I've listed five amazing sold out items on Ebay! Find me there under shopdeenamarie and bid or share the links with your family / friends who might want it! Thanks!

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I. Love. Missoni.

Somehow I only found out that Missoni for Target was coming today...late last night! Great, I thought. I'll go! I started getting ready around 10 am, thinking if I got there by even 11 that would be plenty of time. Uh...BARELY!

I walked in to nearly empty racks. Ladies hovering around as an employee was trying to hang up the few things that were left. She could hardly put anything on the rack without it being grabbed immediately. Some of these ladies already had carts full of the stuff. I managed to grab a few pieces to try on.

I went to accessories next only to see that all that was left was a single scarf.

There were shoes that I liked, but ultimately decided to pass on those.

The sleepwear was great, and I'm surprised more of it wasn't gone.

As I checked out, the cashier said they'd opened at 8 and people had waited outside! Oh!

I went to another target, this time starting at accessories. There was one item again. A pair of gloves and they were beautiful. My mom bought them! We looked at the home goods and I bought a mug for her and a pair of martini glasses for me.

We went to the mens department and they still had a couple of great cardigans and scarfs left. I grabbed a cardigan for my sweetheart and we headed over to the womens. Even less!

I'm happy I got what I did! I didn't expect people to go so crazy for it in SLC, who knew?

It was the line I was most excited to hear was coming to Target & apparently I'm not the only one.

The Target site has been down all day, so I decided to check ebay and there are already tons of items up...and selling for much more than I just paid for them at the store. I had a split second of considering putting them up there...but I couldn't bear to part with them.

My first Missoni pieces! It's a big day :)



My new sweater skirt:



My sweater. This is my fav:



Missoni Martini:



Men's Missoni:



Gloves my mom got:

My New York Diaries - Part 19

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I need to back up. It was super important to me that I wrote my 9/11 blog yesterday on the anniversary, and thank you for reading and commenting. Writing it on that day when my emotions and memories were on the surface the way they were couldn't have happened today, or the day before yesterday. I am so proud of that entry. It wrote itself. I may not always see many comments from you readers but my blog had hundreds of hits yesterday. It was quite a feeling to get that out and I appreciate you taking the time to read and supporting more than you know. I did talk on the phone with Jenny yesterday and got a nice message from Rachel and it meant the world to me. Jenny may be coming to visit me in November! But in jumping ahead in my diaries to September, I've left some important things out of my story. So I'm going to backtrack to July and August for this entry. Let's jump in!




I spent the fourth of July with Jenny and Oscar. Once again, our threesome was together on a holiday. We liked it that way. We went out to eat. Mexican food. Twice in one day, actually. Margaritas, fireworks by the river. We called ourselves the Holiday Kids since we always spent them together. Sometimes we found another reason for the three of us to go out and we'd justify any indulging by saying it was either a holiday or a celebration, regardless.

Once Jenny and I were in a pet store and saw some little hamsters being attacked by other hamsters. It freaked us out. Especially Jenny and she bought the two little ones that had been hurt. She named them Holiday and Celebration, of course.


One night, I was out with The Guy. I was having a magical time. Dinner then drinks at our usual spot in Brooklyn.




July 30

"..there was something in the air. Some romance, some something. A little more intense...a little more...

...all is right in the world. Then a bomb drops. "I don't know how much longer I'll be here". WHAT?! He and Ty are leaving for Los Angeles, trying for November and it sounds like if he likes it, he'll be moving there. I'm sure he'll like it. So...what? I was sad. Well, not sad, just thrown off. All night, and a little this morning. I've hashed through it all day, know how I need to handle it, put it in perspective, but...I don't know. The next morning we lay together. Like always the alarm goes off a thousand times, he hits snooze. I drift in and out of consciousness. He always seems to be asleep. Sometimes the air conditioner goes on, or the CD in the alarm starts. He jumps, wakes, repositions himself. Sometimes kisses my shoulder or forehead. Then we get up. And he made me breakfast! Eggs, toast, coffee. I like so much the little things, I realize. The fact he knows just how to make my coffee. I go in to wash my dishes and see he left his cup of coffee. I ask him if he wants it and just the act of bringing his cup from the kitchen to put on his tray...I can't even describe it..."

...I remember when my Old Flame was leaving for college...

*The Old Flame. This is a reference to a kind-of-ex-boyfriend who was a year older than me. We'd gone to high school together and in the spring of my junior year I decided I had a crush on him. I very, very rarely liked boys who went to my same school. I remember thinking he wasn't really my type and I waited awhile to announce to my friends who my crush was. Right when I decided I liked him, he got super sick and wasn't sure if he'd be returning to school. My friends and I skipped school one day to go to his house and deliver a flower with a note attached, "from your secret admirer". Me. When he found out it was me he was excited, made a recovery, and took me to the prom. I was super into him then he turned into a super asshole.

...I remember being with him on a friends porch - for the last time. I remember having our arms around each other, and for a split second he held me tight. I tried to get him to do it again, he wouldn't respond, so I, of course was left feeling stagnant. But for that split second - well it spoke volumes. I don't know if I ever mentioned that he later, much later (and recently), told my friends he wanted me to know he was sorry for the way he'd treated me...

...The Guy. What are we? For the love of god, can he just say something?"




August 4

"Today is...I'm weirded out about things. I can never shake the feeling I'm meant for things other than this world. Era. State. Life. Place. Everything. For a while now, really since spring the feeling to travel, to leave the country has been present. Strong. Can't I take take off to Europe, Africa, Thailand, tropical islands, rain forests. Make do with bare necessities, live in a straw hut? Travel, adventures, excitement. Whey do I feel like I still don't have the answers? Why do I feel like I'm still not where I belong? I know I don't want to move home. I couldn't settle there. Why am I doubting? I know I couldn't settle in NYC. I can't imagine it for another ten to twenty years. I don't know if I have the stamina to give my life to this the rest of my life. If it doesn't happen soon, could I live like this? Immersed in this world? I'm tired already. I feel like I've been there, seen it, done it. I never feel home. I'm never home."




August 11

..."I do realize the importance to me of keeping all these writings, reflecting on them. I can't believe all the stages, relationships, mindsets, personality changes I've gone through. Anyway, at least tonight I feel like I'm embracing myself. Where I am, who I am, my age, etc. And after a day of doubting my career choice I'm back to knowing it's my life. Something I'm becoming aware of, however, is keeping who I am now in perspective with who I used to be."




August 19

So guess where I was last night? All the guesses in the world and I never would have thought I'd be there. I had to lie, beg, and actually cry to get in [bar in the village] but there I was. The Star's 33rd birthday party.

* The Star. This was a guy I met the year before I moved to NYC. I met him at working at the Sundance Theatre Lab in UT. I was there to help with one of the projects and was assigned to a piece with a cast of three men. One of the men was Stephen Lang. The other two were actors with very impressive credits, including The Star who had worked on Broadway and in soap operas. He was older, he was handsome and I was impressed. Right when he arrived to Sundance, his girlfriend let him know she'd fallen in love with her co-star and was promptly moving out of their apartment. "Actors are so weird", I thought. And still do. Self included. There was a big party one night and by the end of the night we kissed. That changed everything. Suddenly here was The Star bringing little helper girl me coffee and breakfast every morning, rather than the other way around. I felt like the Queen of Sheeba. I stayed up at his condo with him a time or two. I was nervous around him but it was a dreamy two week whirlwind. If you're a theatre/actor type you wouldn't believe the workshops I saw, who was there, who hooked up with who. Maybe sometime I'll tell you. It was unreal. The Star went back to NYC when it was over and there was talk to get in touch when I was out there one day. I don't remember how or when I contacted him but I remember the birthday party. I am big into making mental and emotional notes of the timing of things. The way things unfold and the way in which paths cross. The irony and synchronicity constantly amazes me. If you pay close attention, you'll fell the world is tailored just for you. Years later, I'd be spending a summer day with the man who would ultimately become my husband. This particular day I'd have a strange call from a friend of the Old Flame about the Old Flame, and as the Tony awards aired that night and I sat watching in SLC side by side with this new man, I saw in the audience...The Star...on the arm of a woman who was nominated for a Tony! I still can't help but smile over all of it.

...so here was the day. Bound to happen. Did I need to get him out of my system? Did I need to finish what was started? Was I causing this trouble for myself to shake things up because things with The Guy felt too real? My feelings for him too real?

...I was excited to see him again. I was also worried. Worried feelings could strike again. I'm walking through the bar, looking for him. Was he there yet? And there, at the back of the bar his face jumped out at me. I wanted to take a moment to collect myself. To look at him. But he saw me. Doing a double take, it registered that it was me. Well, I had no idea what to expect but there we were. My initial reaction was opposite of what I thought. It was The Star...it was just...The Star. I was almost a little disappointed. I think maybe I wanted to feel that feeling. It was so rare. But yet...I'd still planned to see him. See how this will unfold. What comes of it. I wondered if there'd be a girl? But come to find out he's "very single". I told him I was "very surprised". I also told him I was single. It crossed my mind to say I date...but it didn't come out. He said he was surprised, and weren't guys hitting on me all the time in NYC? My response was, "yeah, but not the right ones". I don't know what I'm doing here. But he said I was beautiful. He held my hand for a moment. He sat by me. He did give me a lot of attention. Easy to talk to. We actually made a lot of plans. Tomorrow morning I'm watching him play softball. We want to go dancing, go to a movie. He's having a party in two weekends, he wants me to go. So...we did kiss goodnight. Not a big kiss. So all night I had an underlying feeling that my heart is with The Guy. I wanted to see, to hear from him desperately. I needed to "test" him today. He had to call me during the day. It was past three, no call. Suddenly at three minutes to five...he called. We're going to see each other tomorrow night. I told him I feel like it's been forever since I'd seen him. I was so happy to hear from him. To hear his voice. It's important to listen to my heart right now. If The Guy and I commit, how do I disregard The Star? I don't feel insecure about the age difference, but I wondered what it would be like with all these older friends, actors, Yale alums. But he made it a point to always introduce me. His friends were great. After awhile I felt like I was the girl."




And now we're caught up to yesterdays entry. Summer intensive at NYU's CAP21 is over. I'm living in Manhattan. Rachel's visited. 9/11 has now happened. And the start of school was only postponed by a day or two if I remember correctly. I never could have seen it coming, but there's only approximately ten months to the rest of this New York City tale. And this is the beginning of that next chapter.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html

My New York Diaries - Part 18, SEPTEMBER 11

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Isn't it funny that a few months ago I started the process of recalling, re-reading and writing my "New York Diaries" and here we are, caught up to September 11, 2001 exactly 10 years to the date?

I have a very strong and what I've always felt was a very strange reaction to the events of September 11th. Now that I'm no longer living in NYC, when someone brings it up here at home my stomach drops. My first reaction is wanting to say, "but you weren't even there!" And my second reaction is catching myself and telling myself how dare I think I have any kind of a story to contribute when nothing directly affected me. I didn't lose a parent, friend, sibling or spouse. I wasn't injured. I didn't lose a job. I didn't loose my life.

But I still have a visceral reaction to it.

Back then I don't think I knew what to make of it or how to process it. I'm learning I still don't. I've also recently realized (as in within the last few days) that my story is one to share, and that it's okay for me to talk about. It's okay to say I was there. It's okay to have had my experience. It's okay for someone who was not there to be affected by it. Because it did happen to me, just like it did happen to you.

It happened to the world.

I've been sick with a terrible cold all week. Last night I stopped by a party because otherwise I would have been alone most of the evening. I was torn. With this weekend being what it is, I didn't want to be alone...and yet I didn't want to go because I was worried people would be talking about it. I didn't want anyone to say "Deena was there!" Especially because it's taken a decade to get to this particular weekend and I'm feeling even more strange and emotional then I'd thought I would. I feel so far away and yet so close to it all. So much safer and yet so much more aware that the unexpected could happen at any moment.

"Take a minute to remember where you were on September eleventh", they kept saying on tv the other night. I couldn't stand it. Are you kidding me? I can remember that day and the days to follow very clearly, thank you. The phone calls home, the empty streets and the smells are burned into my memory forever (more on that in a minute). But I did take a minute to soak in the fact that 10 years have passed. I'm a decade older and look at all that's happened since then.

I went to bed last night slightly nervous and anticipating how I'd feel waking up today. I just wanted to get to today and get through it. I woke up under very different circumstances then I did 10 years ago. I woke up in my cozy home with my sweetheart and my puppy excited and whimpering. I've made a pot of coffee, I've gotten on my computer to write this. The first thoughts that went through my head, though, were the ones about the way I woke up on this day one decade ago.




I had been out late the night before and didn't have anything to do other than sleep in. Cozy in my new room in my Manhattan apartment, at last! It was small but it was furnished to the best of my abilities. My futon in one corner, a little shelf next to my new bamboo dresser with my tiny tv on top. A rug, a comfy black char and on the top of the chair was my nokia cell phone with a baby blue cover. It lived on top of the chair at night, so that I could have it plugged into the outlet behind the chair. No alarm needed to be set and I was in a deep sleep. Probably a little hungover. I don't know. I wish I could remember where I was the night before.

I was somewhat aware that my phone was ringing all through the morning. I figured it was my mom or a friend, wondered why they were calling so early and would drift back to sleep. Then it started to seem a little strange. Who is calling me this much? What's going on? I got up and had messages from parents and friends but for some reason the only one I can remember was from Rachel. I remember her saying the words, "you must be so scared right now". I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I wondered what in the world had happened, so I turned on my little tv on top of my new dresser to see if it was something I'd be able to learn about on the news.

There was the footage of the planes flying into the Twin Towers. "What a horrible accident", I thought. I couldn't believe the odds. How could these planes have accidentally flown into buildings like this? But then it all began to unfold.

My parents didn't know where I was in relation to where this was happening. I think I started right then to do all I could to make it not about me. "No, no, no, this is way downtown. I'm on 44th street. Nowhere near it. This won't affect me."

I don't know if I talked to The Guy, I must have, but I don't remember what was said.

At some point Jenny got into the city from where she was now living in Queens. She was supposed to show up at work but when she got there the restaurant wasn't going to be opened so she came over. We were together the entire day. When I think of that day I think of Jenny. Once again, what would I have done without her?

We watched tv all day and weren't sure what this meant or what NYC was going to be like. That night, the next day, this week, this month. I don't know how far ahead I thought back then. The younger you are the more immediate everything is. What did this all mean? Why were things closing? Could I take the subway? Could I leave on a plane if I had to? What should I do? How should I feel?

My roommate, Liz, the one who owned the apartment worked down there. She came home late that night having had to walk most of the way covered from head to toe in a white soot. I remember she was going to go out and drink and invited us, but that just felt too weird.

Jenny and I felt like we had to do something. Should we get dinner? Should we see if we could donate blood? We were going to have to walk it. I'll never forget that walk. It was nothing short of eerie. The streets were empty. No cars, maybe a person here and there. Everything was closed. Where was everyone?

It turned out we couldn't donate because there were more than enough volunteers. We went back to my apartment.

It was almost too much to take in. I don't know if I was as scared on that day as I was baffled and putting on my bravest face.

In my NYC journals, I've got an entry on August 19 and then it skips to Sept 12. On the 12th it's a paragraph that must have been taken from a movie or a play, I'm not sure where it's from. Friday Sept. 14 is the next real entry I've got.

I may not remember what happened on exact dates right after, but I do remember my growing fear. For what seemed like a long time after, even Times Square was nearly empty. What had happened to this magical city I'd wanted to move to since I was 9 years old? Where was everyone? What was this invisible, somber veil that had fallen over my new home? Was it going to be like this forever? Everyone was scared. There was talk on tv about subways being bombed. Did I even dare ride it right now?

A night or two after the attack, there was going to be a candlelight vigil at Union Square and I was going to meet The Guy. I had to hop on the subway and what was a short ride seemed too long for comfort to me. I was alone, I was underground and felt claustrophobic. I was shaking and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

When I got out near 14th street, this was the closest to the towers I'd been since it happened. I was searching for The Guy in a crowd of people, still shaking and heart still pounding. I can feel it all again as I type this.

He was a lot calmer than I was. He seemed to be surprised I was as upset as I was. There was something in the air. I didn't want to stay there long. It was burning my eyes. And that smell. I'll never forget that smell. The only way I've ever been able to describe it...is it smelled like death. I didn't want to stay. I didn't want to breathe it in.

I was going to post the Sept. 14th entry but as I re-read it, it's so intimate I think I'm going to keep it just for me. I will tell you a little about it, however. I write about knowing I should be documenting what's happening "for my future grandchildren". But I really don't write about it. I've always been this way. When something is so big, I often don't take the time to feel the impact or deal with it until much later. It's my protection, my defense. I do write about finally being able to stay with The Guy in the "midst of so much chaos" and how it was so nice to shut ourselves off, just for a night, "in the middle of what could be a war". That night I felt "protected, shut away in another world". The next afternoon, "we slept on and off. We were tightly wrapped and intertwined, tossing and turning occasionally but always finding each other. Always holding each other. My heart was pounding.".




As I look back on all of this, I see that where I might not have had the words of comfort I'd been looking for from him, I was grateful to have a person to be with right then. That maybe actions did speak a little louder than words and I don't know what I would have done without having someone to just hold me.

I have come to learn over the years that 9/11 did have a greater impact on me than I knew. It made me experience a fear I'd never known. It changed everything about the joy I'd had in flying and my airport experiences as I'd travel back and forth from NYC to SLC. I used to love it. Then I hated it. I still do.

I remember after I'd left NYC and moved home seeing a special on 9/11 some years later and as they explained step by step and showed in animation what happened exactly to the buildings as the planes hit. It was the zillionth time I'd seen it. I felt like I'd never escape the footage in the years right after. But this time, I tried to really listen. I truly tried to let it sink in and I let out some emotion for the first time.

I didn't know I had any to let out still, until this 10 year anniversary weekend approached. I have felt a tidal wave of emotion just under the surface. I've kept in under control but I'm pretty sure there will be tears at some point today. It's just too big. It's just too much. I know it will come out at some point. Maybe when I talk to Jenny via phone later.

I see now how this part fits into the tale of "My NYC Diaries" and perhaps explains a lot I didn't even know until a decade had gone by, until I'd grown up a little and gained some perspective. All this time I felt like I didn't have a right to feel impacted by 9/11. But I see now this was a part of my story, something that happened in not only my lifetime, but the most impressionable time in my life and in the very city I was living in. I see why Jenny was and is so special to me and why I was so attached to The Guy.

It's a lot. It's a lot to take in.

It's a piecing together of the puzzle of my life and what has made me me. Why I react the way I do and that it's okay to feel how I feel. What would it have been like if it would have happened now? Or in ten years from now? Or twenty? Or if I had been five? Or if I hadn't been in NYC? Would I have been impacted differently? Absolutely. But the fact that I was where I was when I was makes it my story.

I'm not sure how to end this post, other than to tell you this was just the cathartic thing I needed. It's taken me ten years to be ready to share it and to realize as I said in the beginning that it happened to the world. That while it happened to people in varying degrees, some less and some far greater than I could ever imagine, that it happened to me too.

I was in the world when it happened and I have my own little story to tell.

It may not be the story you expected or the story you hear often. It's not a political story, but a coming of age story. A little slice of life. And it's mine.

And there you have it.


* * * * * *


In July of this year when I went to NYC I went to see the construction where the towers once stood. It was dark and you couldn't get too close, but I did manage to get this picture...





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html

My New York Diaries - Part 17

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Rachel was one of my very best friends from SLC. We met a few years earlier in a class. It was on the first day of school. We saw each other from across the room, we each thought the other was cute and wanted to be friends instantly. We tell people it was love at first sight. In a short time we'd also already been through a lot together including a life changing three weeks in Hawaii. I couldn't wait to have her visiting me in NYC. I couldn't wait to show her the city, my new apartment and have her meet The Guy.

Rachel had a serious boyfriend and had been with him for quite awhile. He had kids from a previous relationship and I remember her buying gifts for them in NYC and calling him to tell him what she'd bought. I remember thinking how adult it seemed and I wondered what that level of closeness with your significant other must be like. How I couldn't imagine that with The Guy and wondered if I'd ever experience that?

I have all sorts of amazing pictures of us at The Donkey Show one night. I'm not sure how it happened but The Guy's younger brother, Sean, ended up there with us. I remember if it was planned, or if he just happened to be going. This was the beginning of what became a very close friendship with Sean over the next year. Sean was so different from The Guy. They were night and day. In personality and appearance. Sean was pretty reserved, a little shy. But so easy to talk to. He reminded me a little of Oscar. That night at The Donkey Show I saw a completely different side of Sean. He was dancing with women, men, having the time of his life! It was amazing!

Then the night came where Rachel would meet The Guy. We had pizza for lunch and I remember she ordered a slice with penne noodles cooked on top. I thought that was a really strange combination. The noodle pizza did not look appealing to me.

We met up with The Guy and his roommate, Ty in Brooklyn at a bar that night. Let me take a minute to tell you how cute Rachel is. So cute. Guys have always loved her. She's blonde and beautiful. Let me also tell you how cute Ty was. So cute. He definitely did alright with the ladies. But Rachel was completely committed to her boyfriend and although Ty was flirting with her, it wasn't going to happen. But it did make things fun.

When we went back to their apartment, Ty was excited to woo Rachel further by bringing out his bong. The Guy and I didn't partake so I remember watching Rachel start to get (just a little) paranoid. Ty opened up a bottle of wine for everyone and kept offering Rachel a glass. The more he offered Rachel this sparkling wine, the more she was convinced he was poisoning her.

Then he told her he made really great scrambled eggs. She then told him to, "get in the kitchen and make me some eggs!" He must have made the whole carton because he came back with the biggest bowl of eggs I've ever seen. And I think he was in an apron?

She had a couple of bites of the eggs and suddenly she was up and in the bathroom. I was having a great time laughing and talking to The Guy and Ty, when The Guy said Rachel had been in there quite some time and maybe I should go check on her.

Uh oh. I went in to find Rachel cleaning up after getting sick. I totally remember seeing some of those penne noodles and saying, "you missed a spot".

She came back out and seemed fine. This was about the time The Guy told me to come to his room...to help him hang a lantern. No, seriously. He'd just bought this light green chinese lantern. He was slowly building his "meditation chamber". I literally thought we'd hang this light and come right back out to Rachel and Ty. She tells me the minute she heard The Guy asking me to help him hang this lantern that she knew I wasn't coming back. Turned out she was right. But we did hang the lantern.

The next day I found out that Ty had tried to kiss her. Not stopped by the fact that she had been sick, turned down his sparkling wine, or wasted his giant bowl of eggs, he did stop when she told him she was taken and it wasn't going to happen.

She said she'd slept on the couch and had woken up in the night to see Ty inches away, staring at her! Then he'd smile and look down, pretending to straighten the magazines on the table. She said this happened more than once!

I felt bad I had abandoned her but once again, I fell victim to the power that was The Guy.

I think we took it pretty easy the next night. She was still a little queasy and before we went to bed that night we happened to catch an episode of Jerry Springer that was all about people who throw up on on each other. What else? Great. I woke up in the night to see Rachel next to me with a towel completely wrapped around her head. What the hell? The next morning I asked her if she was okay and she said she'd been sick again in the night and had brought in the towel just in case. "Too much barf talk makes one feel barfy", said Rachel. That would become a famous line in the history of our friendship. And so did, "looks like noodle pizza!"

We still giggle about the boys, the eggs and the sparkling wine.

We had an amazing time and it really did me good to have her there. It somehow made my new life there feel more real. She'd met The Guy, she'd stayed at my place, she'd seen it all.

I was sad to see her go. I wish she could stay and be a part of this completely different life. There were aspects of what I'd left behind and what I'd found that I longed to mesh to have more balance.

But school was starting very soon and I was ready to get back into the swing of things. I was ready to have a routine, to work hard, to finally get to do school plays. But right before it was time, something happened that none of us ever could have imagined. Something that changed the lives of so many, that changed the city...that changed the world.


September 11, 2001.






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html

My New York Diaries - Part 16

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Commuting was hard. It was something I'd never had to do before. Taking the 1/9 from approximately 225th street in the Bronx to 16th in Chelsea had worn me out the first year. I didn't realize how it had begun to wear me down. Everyone kept telling me I needed to move to Manhattan. Well no kidding. But how was I going to do that? I loved the idea of being away from Martha, being in the city, closer to school and closer to The Guy.

I had a close call with moving to the city at the end of the school year. A girl who was in school with me, Harriet was suddenly in need of a roommate. I told her I was interested, and so did someone else. That person was Mark. Oh, great. Now Mark and I were competing for this room. We went over to see it at the same time. Turned out it was less than ideal, the "room" wasn't a room at all but rather a bed in the living room. This meant Harriet would be walking through this "room" to get to her actual room every time. Oh. Even so, I wanted to be in the city no matter what. I still said I was interested. So did Mark. Harriet said she was going to flip a coin. Mark chose a side, I chose a side and that would determine who would "win".

The plan was to do the coin toss later, all together. I'll never forget walking up to them on our lunch break shortly after, seeing them conspiring and knowing something was up. Harriet told me they'd already done the coin toss and Mark had won. I played it off like it was no big deal and I was happy for Mark. But honestly? I thought that was incredibly shitty. How stupid did they think I was? Clearly she would rather be roommates with Mark. That's fine. So just tell me that he's the best fit for her. It's her space, I get that. Don't give me that bull shit about a secret coin toss without me and then tell me that's how things went down.

Anyway. When I finally did get to move to Manhattan, it was because another classmate, Steve was moving out of his room on 44th b/w 9th & 10th. Oh. My. God. What a location! Steve was foreign, charming, and the ladies loved him. He was the type of guy I could understand why the girls would fall all over themselves for him but he did nothing for me. I thought his schtick was a bit cheesy. Jenny had actually just told me she'd spotted him in the park looking cozy with the very teacher I mentioned previously that was in the Donkey Show. I thought that was weird, surprising, but didn't care. Right now, I just thought he was nice and I was very grateful he was meeting with me to show me the room and introduce me to his roommates.

It was an apartment owned by a woman who worked on Wall Street named Liz. She was up early, worked long hours and told me she partied on the weekends and Sunday was the day she laid on the couch with an ice pack on her head. I didn't know she was being literal. She was. I'd come to learn that she partied until the sun was up and Sunday was indeed spent with the ice pack in front of the tv with the most annoying laugh I'd ever heard. The other room was occupied by a guy who's name I forget. I never crossed paths with him and only remember he had a cute little asian girl that would come and stay with him sometimes. Here I'd have my own actual room, we'd share the small bathroom and kitchen and the living room.

This time, I "won". I was finally moving to Manhattan!

Jenny helped me move and even rented the moving truck since I wasn't old enough. She drove to the Bronx early the morning of the move. I woke up Darren to help me when it was time to move my futon. We were going to keep in touch, so little did I know that would be the last time I'd ever see him. I'll never forget him waving goodbye. He was shirtless, red-eyed, and a little dazed. He must have had quite the night.

As I reflect I realize how much Jenny was there for me, how much she helped me and saved me. Multiple times. More on that later. I don't know where I would have been without her.

I also realize all of my goodbyes were less than ideal. With everyone. Every time.

It was a relief and a grown up feeling for me to start shopping for things to pull my room together. Among my first purchases was a zebra blanket, a bamboo dresser, a fairy statue and a rug. I was also looking forward to being able to have The Guy come to my turf. At last, no more long commutes and no more Martha! It was also the perfect NYC location to host visitors.

My first friend from home, Rachel was on her way. Little did I know we'd be making memories that we still talk about to this day.




Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html

My New York Diaries - Part 15

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The Donkey Show" was such a part of my "NYC experience". Like I said before, this was the Off Broadway show loosely based on "Midsummer Nights Dream" set to disco music. I'd disco skated on the weekends from 9 -12th grade and was sure I'd been born in the wrong decade. Walking into "The Donkey Show" was like walking into my greatest fantasy come to life. One of my teachers from ATC was even in the show. She shared the small role of Disco Girl and understudied the leads. I never did get to see her perform it, though. I went twice. Once with Adrianna on her visit and another when once of my best friends from home, Rachel, would come to visit. More on her visit coming soon.

I knew I had to audition for this show and kept an eye out for it in Backstage. I ended up auditioning three times. The first time I knew where I went wrong. They taught us the hustle first and made cuts. I gave it too much of a "modern" style and saw that they weren't interested in anything other but the simplicity of the old school hustle. I made it past another round the second time. Then came audition #3.



July 20

"I got to Club Flamingo at one 1 ended up auditioning at 4:30. About 130 people there. First, the Bus Stop (hustle). First cut. Then the Bus Stop and Soul Train. Second cut. Then singing..."This is the story of a love that flourished in a time of hate" (my audition was from Aidia). Third cut. Doing the "Vinnie" and being asked if I was willing to cut my hair.

*We were asked to read for the Vinnies, in pairs. There were two Vinnies, played by women but dressed as men. I remember a girl with very long hair saying she was not willing to cut her hair and they let her go right then and there. I couldn't believe it. It blew my mind that you would be that close and let something like your hair hold you back.

Fourth cut. Singing "Ring My Bell" (A song Titania sings in the show). Now we were down to THIRTEEN GIRLS. We were then told that we were right for the show, and fit into the parts and that they were only casting two of the women roles right now. Then they took me and 3 or 4 others aside, telling us we were right for the other parts. They were going to be putting us on file and would call us when they opened up."




Nothing ever happened with the show, but I will always remember how exciting that day was for me and how great it felt to go far in the audition process of my dream show at that time. I'll never forget how magical it was every time a cut was made and I stayed. I may not have done the show, but I will always love this story.

Meanwhile, I was still in the whirlwind that was The Guy. A new world was opening up to me more and more all the time. Which, naturally got me thinking and wondering what the future would hold for me. I could hardly imagine it, but I was starting to wonder.




"...I'm always looking at or for wedding bands. Just looking at people. What they look like. Beautiful, odd looking, smart, preppy, etc. Wondering who they're married to, how they met, how so many people found their mate. And if they did...how? And is it real? Is it possible? Can so many people have truly found their mate? Is it just the next best thing? Did they settle?

Anyway...I like someone knowing my drink order. Loaning me something of theirs. Waking up with someone. The other day it was hmmm...debating to get up and go to class, or lay in The Guys arms longer and longer? No question about it. The last time we were together it was romantic. I need romance."




July 21

So The Guy just left me a message. It almost scared me to get it. I'm just so happy he's interested. He wants to meet up tonight. I'm supposed to meet Oscar for a movie and I was supposed to go dancing with Darren. I don't want to do either and if I did now I would be thinking about how I could be hanging out with The Guy. So I'm trying so hard to listen to myself. To go with my gut. Do what I want to do for me. And right now that's go with The Guy instead. Is this self indulgent? Maybe. But what's more important? No question I'm doing the right thing.




The Guy was starting to become my priority and I don't know that I was fully aware of that, or what that would mean at this point. I think I was trying to convince myself that it was okay. I could never have guessed how things would unfold over the next year.

Thinking about school starting soon and the fact that I would have to make that commute from the Bronx daily was killing me. I was just going to have to move to Manhattan! And I did. In fact, I lucked out big time. All in time for Rachel to come visit me...



Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html

Well look at that!

As always, in this biz when it rains it pours and when there's drought...well then there's drought.

I just started rehearsal yesterday for "A Doll House" (a new translation by the super talented and sweet Eric Samuelsen and yes, it's spelled correctly not to be confuses with "A Doll's House for those who will wonder, ha ha). We rehearse like crazy to put on a staged reading for a one afternoon only benefit, which is on Sunday. Script in hand but fully blocked.

I've also been cast in the world premiere of "A Man Enters" at Salt Lake Acting Company which will start rehearsing in October and run through November. The cast will get together for a read through for the playwrights (a mom & daughter, how cool is that?!) on Monday.

At the end of September I'll be spending two full days in a workshop/reading of a new play, by Eric Samuelsen as well.

It will be a busy next couple months! Thank goodness!

Just wanted to upadate everyone on what will be going on so you don't think I've fallen off the face of the earth...when I have to fall off the face of the earth for a bit.

I'm still planning on getting back to my NYC Diaries but just haven't had a chance. I will soon though, before I forget where I was!

We'll also be out of town for a few days next month to attend a wedding of some of our closest friends. Can't wait to see them exchange their vows and have one last little get away before it's a wrap on summer 2011!

It gets harder to find time for YouTube vids, but the full "Twilight" trailer should soon be released and myself and my cast / crew of the "Twilight" parodies always look SO forward to that!

I was booked on a shoot recently and met not one, but TWO local youtubers! I really didn't know there were any others and vice versa. We will definitely be collabing in the future. And there's someone else who will be making a surprise appearance in in an upcoming vid that will be pretty epic...so stay tuned!

It's been a few months now of major gym time. Weights and machines and all things I never thought I'd be interested in. I'm addicted and I'm slowly but surely beginning to see results. It's so strange to get used to, but pretty amazing to find you're stronger than you think and see your strength increase as you stick with it. What was so hard when you first set foot in the gym becomes too easy and you bump up your weights...then again...and again. This picture is such a big deal to me. For my body and the way it's looked my whole life this is quite a difference. I was so excited to compare, I have to share:



I NEVER thought my arms would look like this. Yes, it's just a beginning and I don't want much more than this...I don't think...but damn I'm proud of sticking to it and being proud of going religiously. I strongly recommend hitting the gym. It truly is magic for your mood and confidence.

Thanks for reading! More soon!

Tweet me @DeenaMarie

Plastic Surgery

You know what bugs me? When a famous person says they have not had plastic surgery when they clearly have. There are some who will admit to it, some who have "no comment", and others who flat out say the "never" have.

Now, I understand that it's nobody's business. I hate invasive questions too. How old are you? Are you going to have a baby? How much did that cost? Have you had plastic surgery? Are all in the taboo category.

But being in the public eye is a little different, even when you didn't set out to be a role model, there is a level of responsibility that comes along with the territory.

Especially when it comes to this subject. Body image. So many women struggle with their body image. Most of us. I have, and I hate when it's happened and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I would never want to pass it on to a child or a younger relative or friend.

This is why it pisses me off when someone DENIES plastic surgery. Yes, it's rude to be asked that question. So either tell the person asking it to fuck off, it's none of their business, or be proud we live in a day and age you were able to fix something you didn't like, and recommend your surgeon!

Kim K and Megan Fox are two who always say they have NOT done anything. Ladies, COME ON! Look at the pictures above. Sorry, but you don't morph like that as you age. You do not magically lose your lines, get a smaller nose, a lifted brow or fuller lips. That is the work of a (really great) surgeon. I hate that these ladies lie and that young girls will believe them. I think it's irresponsible to let young girls believe that that is a natural progression. I hate that they're saying you just wake up like this one day?! Please. We all wish, but please.

I am all for plastic surgery. Ain't no shame in a nip tuck. Who cares what someone wants to do to themselves? Who cares what someone finds attractive, or wants to look like? It's their body, it's their money, we have a means to do it. So do it. But don't be a dumbass about it.

Be honest so the younger generation has a better understanding. Some will make the decision to remain natural some will know that a little help is out there and can prepare and plan for it. Either way is okay. Just be honest, or plead the fifth. No lies, please.

That's all.

Time warp!

So the last few days I've had part of a song stuck in my head and I've been meaning to look it up again and play it. I just remembered. I also remembered this song as being popular a few years ago. I just watched three clips of it on YouTube, including two live performances. It was from FIFTEEN YEARS AGO! Whaaaaaaaaaat? Fifteen? How? How is this possible? Looking at the cute young face of this singer and realizing this was that long ago made me think he probably looks nothing like that now and I stopped myself from googling the band. I just needed a minute to catch my breath. It just hit me in a totally different way how FAST time goes. How quickly our youth will be over. Woah. That just freaked me out. I honestly didn't think that much time had passed, it seemed like just a couple of years. I must be getting old.

Curse you, father time!

This also comes on the heels of a conversation with a friend earlier this week when the subject of fear came up. What do you fear most? I realized I fear getting old. And I've been thinking a lot about that this week. I want to be forever young. I feel young. I don't ever want the outside to...not match what is on the inside. I wish I could freeze myself right now forever.

How do you accept the fact that you will age? Wrinkle? Be old? Change?

How?

It's that time again...Voyeur Ed!

The new series of videos for "Saturday's Voyeur" at Salt Lake Acting Company are here. There are three this year to advertising /teach/ excite you for the 2011 summer production. I LOVE getting to be in these. They are SO fun to film. I could do this all day, every day.

Enjoy!

#1


#2


#3



My favorite screen shot:



I had a caption contest on facebook.com/TheDeenaShow and here's what you sillies came up with:

John Alonzo ‎"Is that it? I thought it would be bigger?"
July 23 at 9:58am · Unlike · 2 people

Rafa Fantastica ‎"One trillion dollahs!"
July 23 at 9:59am · Unlike · 1 person

Alain Lovelyvoices Very nice!
July 23 at 9:59am · Unlike · 1 person

Charles Kinbote ‎"Wouldn'cha know it..."
July 23 at 10:00am · Unlike · 1 person

Allison Chappell ‎"Well. Now isn't that speeeeshuullll"
July 23 at 10:04am · Unlike · 1 person

Andrew Lowe St Trinians?
July 23 at 10:09am · Unlike · 1 person

Rafa Fantastica ‎"Like. A. Bosssss"
July 23 at 10:09am · Unlike · 1 person

Josh Ryan So, THAT'S where Carmen Sandiego is.
July 23 at 10:12am · Unlike · 2 people

Dan Smith ‎"surely you have more Nerds in the stock room"
July 23 at 10:21am · Unlike · 2 people

Marques Shaw ‎"Can't stop here. This is bat country."
July 23 at 1:15pm · Unlike · 1 person

Blargal Iannotti Caption: "Yeah,RIGHT,it shrinks in the cold"
July 23 at 1:15pm · Unlike · 1 person

David Hill Thats where my old glasses went. LOL.
July 23 at 2:20pm · Unlike · 1 person

Lance Reeder Mmmmm I just burnt my tongue
July 23 at 3:16pm · Unlike · 1 person

Greg Dunn She realized in the very instant the picture wass snapped that someone had put super glue in her lipstick.
July 23 at 3:44pm · Unlike · 1 person

Mark Bellamy The answer is yes...you are in trouble.
July 23 at 4:59pm · Unlike · 1 person
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Tweet me @DeenaMarie

I can't.

Ugh. I haven't felt quite ready to write since I got back from NYC.
Not about what's going on in my life now or to return to "my New York diaries."

I've been in a little bit of a jumble ever since I came back.
I am trying to figure out what it's all about.
I don't quite feel like myself at the moment. A little out of sorts.

Something's gotta give.

Ever since I came back...



For now, this about sums up my life...

Return from NYC!

When I woke up thursday morning, knowing it was my last day there, I couldn't stop tearing up. I had to try not to burst into tears twice in the lobby. I loved my trip. I loved, loved, loved my trip. I really needed it. I had the best time, it felt so good to be away, to be there and to be with new people and places. Old and new really, the change of scenery is just what I needed. By the time I got in late on thursday night I was sleep deprived. Emotionally and physically exhausted and practically delirious. Yesterday I woke up in a major funk. I hated that I couldn't rush out the door and into the busy street, see another broadway show in the evening and end the night with my friends at a new bar. Absolutely hated it. I'm still trying to shake a bit of the funk today...

I stayed at the Hotel Pennsylvania on 33rd & 7th. It was big and old. Not the best place I've stayed but not the worst. I never care much about where I'm staying as long as it's in midtown.




I dunno wtf this stain was...


I always go to Chelsea. Chelsea Market is where I had lunch everyday for years. It always has new stores but many are the same. I ate a delicious sandwich from Hale & Hearty and was glad to see Ruths, where I used to get my daily coffee, was still there. I only wished I would have had time to eat at Chelsea Tai, where my favorite pad tai is.


Walked passed Flight on my last day, the bar we always hung out in as students.


I've said for YEARS that my very favorite mexican restaurant is Mary Ann's in Chelsea. I eat there every time I go. I always get the same thing, the Sixteenth Street. Oh man. It was DELICIOUS as always.




I have always liked to spend some time sitting alone in Lincoln Center. My old classrooms at Juilliard looked out over this courtyard. Took this picture when I went to purchase my ticket to "War Horse". And yes, the play was amazing. One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I just wanted to cry and cry by the end, but I couldn't because I'd ruin my makeup and I was meeting friends right after. All I wanted was to hold Noodles while watching it. I can't even tell you the story of it or think of Albert's voice saying "Good boy, Joey!" Without choking up. My god.




Had some LATE nights. Don't even think about waking me up with your housekeeping! NO MOLESTE! :)


This is the subway I'd get out of each day to go to school.:)


There was the day of the call back. By a strange turn of events and connections made here in SLC, I was invited to a callback and was able to perform a whole bunch of material in front of a big NYC casting director as well as a brilliant local playwright and director(s) from a theatre in MA. I was lucky and grateful and am left wanting more of those opportunities and chances to perform elsewhere.


Billy is one of my very favorites. We met in NYC years ago and have managed to stay in touch and see each other every so often. We have a blast. My first night there we went to six bars. Some were old haunts and some were new to me. Arlene's Grocery was my favorite place. Monday night karoke!


He took this pic of me before my first subway ride of the trip!


John is another favorite friend. We met at at YouTube gathering. Our connection was instant and we were attached at the hip the next four days. We hadn't seen each other in two years. It was so great to be in the same place again.


I saw "Spider-Man". If you know me, then you know Spidey is my favorite superhero. You know how I could've cared less what critics were saying about the show and that I couldn't wait to see a freaking Spider-Man musical with my own eyes. You also may know that I once did a show with Patrick Page (Green Goblin) and you may have heard me say he is arguably the best actor I've ever observed in "real life". You also may know that through reading about the show, I became a fan of Reeve Carney (Spider-Man). So I stayed after to say hi to Patrick and to tell Reeve he is a rockstar.

And by the way? The show is fun as hell. I'd see it again, for the "Bouncing of the Walls" number alone.


There is no such thing as cute, comfortable shoes for NYC. There's just not.



I'm still trying to process it all and try to figure out what happens next. It's always so special and emotional (obviously) when I'm there. I wish I could be in two places at once.

John took and posted this of me across the platform on my last night and titled it "Hard to say goodbye"...

So long, smell ya later!

It's here, kids!

Time to take off & see what I can see. Leaving early tomorrow morning, back on thursday night. Work and play. Play and work. I also found out that I booked a job I'd been hoping for through my agency. They are working around my schedule (that's rare) so I'll be back in town just in time to shoot. I'll be on set all day friday and again the next monday. What a week this will be!

I'll have LOTS to report and I'll also be anxious to get back to my "New York Diaries" portion of this blog.

See you in a week!

I'll be tweeting here & there so follow me! @Deena Marie

Smell ya later! ;)



PS Take a little Rumi with you this week...I know I will :)

"What you seek is seeking you."

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?"

"Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious."

"Let Yourself Be Silently Drawn By the Stronger Pull Of That Which You Really Love."

"Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you. Unfold your own myth."