My New York Diaries - Part 19

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

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I need to back up. It was super important to me that I wrote my 9/11 blog yesterday on the anniversary, and thank you for reading and commenting. Writing it on that day when my emotions and memories were on the surface the way they were couldn't have happened today, or the day before yesterday. I am so proud of that entry. It wrote itself. I may not always see many comments from you readers but my blog had hundreds of hits yesterday. It was quite a feeling to get that out and I appreciate you taking the time to read and supporting more than you know. I did talk on the phone with Jenny yesterday and got a nice message from Rachel and it meant the world to me. Jenny may be coming to visit me in November! But in jumping ahead in my diaries to September, I've left some important things out of my story. So I'm going to backtrack to July and August for this entry. Let's jump in!




I spent the fourth of July with Jenny and Oscar. Once again, our threesome was together on a holiday. We liked it that way. We went out to eat. Mexican food. Twice in one day, actually. Margaritas, fireworks by the river. We called ourselves the Holiday Kids since we always spent them together. Sometimes we found another reason for the three of us to go out and we'd justify any indulging by saying it was either a holiday or a celebration, regardless.

Once Jenny and I were in a pet store and saw some little hamsters being attacked by other hamsters. It freaked us out. Especially Jenny and she bought the two little ones that had been hurt. She named them Holiday and Celebration, of course.


One night, I was out with The Guy. I was having a magical time. Dinner then drinks at our usual spot in Brooklyn.




July 30

"..there was something in the air. Some romance, some something. A little more intense...a little more...

...all is right in the world. Then a bomb drops. "I don't know how much longer I'll be here". WHAT?! He and Ty are leaving for Los Angeles, trying for November and it sounds like if he likes it, he'll be moving there. I'm sure he'll like it. So...what? I was sad. Well, not sad, just thrown off. All night, and a little this morning. I've hashed through it all day, know how I need to handle it, put it in perspective, but...I don't know. The next morning we lay together. Like always the alarm goes off a thousand times, he hits snooze. I drift in and out of consciousness. He always seems to be asleep. Sometimes the air conditioner goes on, or the CD in the alarm starts. He jumps, wakes, repositions himself. Sometimes kisses my shoulder or forehead. Then we get up. And he made me breakfast! Eggs, toast, coffee. I like so much the little things, I realize. The fact he knows just how to make my coffee. I go in to wash my dishes and see he left his cup of coffee. I ask him if he wants it and just the act of bringing his cup from the kitchen to put on his tray...I can't even describe it..."

...I remember when my Old Flame was leaving for college...

*The Old Flame. This is a reference to a kind-of-ex-boyfriend who was a year older than me. We'd gone to high school together and in the spring of my junior year I decided I had a crush on him. I very, very rarely liked boys who went to my same school. I remember thinking he wasn't really my type and I waited awhile to announce to my friends who my crush was. Right when I decided I liked him, he got super sick and wasn't sure if he'd be returning to school. My friends and I skipped school one day to go to his house and deliver a flower with a note attached, "from your secret admirer". Me. When he found out it was me he was excited, made a recovery, and took me to the prom. I was super into him then he turned into a super asshole.

...I remember being with him on a friends porch - for the last time. I remember having our arms around each other, and for a split second he held me tight. I tried to get him to do it again, he wouldn't respond, so I, of course was left feeling stagnant. But for that split second - well it spoke volumes. I don't know if I ever mentioned that he later, much later (and recently), told my friends he wanted me to know he was sorry for the way he'd treated me...

...The Guy. What are we? For the love of god, can he just say something?"




August 4

"Today is...I'm weirded out about things. I can never shake the feeling I'm meant for things other than this world. Era. State. Life. Place. Everything. For a while now, really since spring the feeling to travel, to leave the country has been present. Strong. Can't I take take off to Europe, Africa, Thailand, tropical islands, rain forests. Make do with bare necessities, live in a straw hut? Travel, adventures, excitement. Whey do I feel like I still don't have the answers? Why do I feel like I'm still not where I belong? I know I don't want to move home. I couldn't settle there. Why am I doubting? I know I couldn't settle in NYC. I can't imagine it for another ten to twenty years. I don't know if I have the stamina to give my life to this the rest of my life. If it doesn't happen soon, could I live like this? Immersed in this world? I'm tired already. I feel like I've been there, seen it, done it. I never feel home. I'm never home."




August 11

..."I do realize the importance to me of keeping all these writings, reflecting on them. I can't believe all the stages, relationships, mindsets, personality changes I've gone through. Anyway, at least tonight I feel like I'm embracing myself. Where I am, who I am, my age, etc. And after a day of doubting my career choice I'm back to knowing it's my life. Something I'm becoming aware of, however, is keeping who I am now in perspective with who I used to be."




August 19

So guess where I was last night? All the guesses in the world and I never would have thought I'd be there. I had to lie, beg, and actually cry to get in [bar in the village] but there I was. The Star's 33rd birthday party.

* The Star. This was a guy I met the year before I moved to NYC. I met him at working at the Sundance Theatre Lab in UT. I was there to help with one of the projects and was assigned to a piece with a cast of three men. One of the men was Stephen Lang. The other two were actors with very impressive credits, including The Star who had worked on Broadway and in soap operas. He was older, he was handsome and I was impressed. Right when he arrived to Sundance, his girlfriend let him know she'd fallen in love with her co-star and was promptly moving out of their apartment. "Actors are so weird", I thought. And still do. Self included. There was a big party one night and by the end of the night we kissed. That changed everything. Suddenly here was The Star bringing little helper girl me coffee and breakfast every morning, rather than the other way around. I felt like the Queen of Sheeba. I stayed up at his condo with him a time or two. I was nervous around him but it was a dreamy two week whirlwind. If you're a theatre/actor type you wouldn't believe the workshops I saw, who was there, who hooked up with who. Maybe sometime I'll tell you. It was unreal. The Star went back to NYC when it was over and there was talk to get in touch when I was out there one day. I don't remember how or when I contacted him but I remember the birthday party. I am big into making mental and emotional notes of the timing of things. The way things unfold and the way in which paths cross. The irony and synchronicity constantly amazes me. If you pay close attention, you'll fell the world is tailored just for you. Years later, I'd be spending a summer day with the man who would ultimately become my husband. This particular day I'd have a strange call from a friend of the Old Flame about the Old Flame, and as the Tony awards aired that night and I sat watching in SLC side by side with this new man, I saw in the audience...The Star...on the arm of a woman who was nominated for a Tony! I still can't help but smile over all of it.

...so here was the day. Bound to happen. Did I need to get him out of my system? Did I need to finish what was started? Was I causing this trouble for myself to shake things up because things with The Guy felt too real? My feelings for him too real?

...I was excited to see him again. I was also worried. Worried feelings could strike again. I'm walking through the bar, looking for him. Was he there yet? And there, at the back of the bar his face jumped out at me. I wanted to take a moment to collect myself. To look at him. But he saw me. Doing a double take, it registered that it was me. Well, I had no idea what to expect but there we were. My initial reaction was opposite of what I thought. It was The Star...it was just...The Star. I was almost a little disappointed. I think maybe I wanted to feel that feeling. It was so rare. But yet...I'd still planned to see him. See how this will unfold. What comes of it. I wondered if there'd be a girl? But come to find out he's "very single". I told him I was "very surprised". I also told him I was single. It crossed my mind to say I date...but it didn't come out. He said he was surprised, and weren't guys hitting on me all the time in NYC? My response was, "yeah, but not the right ones". I don't know what I'm doing here. But he said I was beautiful. He held my hand for a moment. He sat by me. He did give me a lot of attention. Easy to talk to. We actually made a lot of plans. Tomorrow morning I'm watching him play softball. We want to go dancing, go to a movie. He's having a party in two weekends, he wants me to go. So...we did kiss goodnight. Not a big kiss. So all night I had an underlying feeling that my heart is with The Guy. I wanted to see, to hear from him desperately. I needed to "test" him today. He had to call me during the day. It was past three, no call. Suddenly at three minutes to five...he called. We're going to see each other tomorrow night. I told him I feel like it's been forever since I'd seen him. I was so happy to hear from him. To hear his voice. It's important to listen to my heart right now. If The Guy and I commit, how do I disregard The Star? I don't feel insecure about the age difference, but I wondered what it would be like with all these older friends, actors, Yale alums. But he made it a point to always introduce me. His friends were great. After awhile I felt like I was the girl."




And now we're caught up to yesterdays entry. Summer intensive at NYU's CAP21 is over. I'm living in Manhattan. Rachel's visited. 9/11 has now happened. And the start of school was only postponed by a day or two if I remember correctly. I never could have seen it coming, but there's only approximately ten months to the rest of this New York City tale. And this is the beginning of that next chapter.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html