*All names are changed
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Sept. 14
"...I want The Guy to realize he wants to be with me, but I feel he doesn't know the real me to know that yet. Is it my fault? I feel like it's been harder lately with Ty always there."
School started. I was so excited to be in the same class with Lynn this time. It was also a relief to no longer have Martha around. I learned she wasn't the only one who either hadn't been invited back, or had quit. I still had Oscar, thank goodness.
I couldn't wait until we started doing school plays. The first one would be happening soon. It was called, "Museum" and it was a strange piece but a large cast. I see now how tricky it must have been for our teachers to choose a show that could include everyone. There was really only one "big" female role. That role went to Lynn. I thought the world of Lynn in every way. She was damn talented on top of being cute, fashionable, fun. In my eyes she had it all.
I was hardly in love with the play, but it was fun to see how our instructors saw and cast us. My role was one of the many small ones, I played the best friend to Lynn's character and we were at the museum to see the art work of an artist we were fanatic about and possibly the artist herself. It was alright, but I wanted my chance to do something, to do more.
I dyed my hair jet black. This was the beginning of me changing my hair regularly. I still do. It's been every length and every color. Now it's because I get bored with the same thing and I love to change it up. It's just hair. Back then I was trying to find myself and find how I could look and feel my best. Back then I didn't know how to take care of myself properly. I didn't know how to eat right or how to work out. I saw myself for the first and only time in my life gaining weight. Late nights of alcohol, food and lack of exercise was changing me. I hated it but I wasn't sure what to do. I remember the first day I came to school with my black hair and a teacher (who I always see in movies and on tv) passed me on the stairs and said, "you're so extreme, Deena!" I wasn't sure how to take that back then but now I think of it and can't help but laugh. I love that.
There were two girls in school with me who were absolutely stunning. Tall, skinny and gorgeous. I was so in awe. They were a couple years older. How did they look like that? What were their secrets? How do I do that? Supermodel 1 was super cool. She had the best clothes and was a bartender. I remember going to the bar she worked at one night and she made me a cosmo, my drink of choice. Seeing her there only made her cooler in my eyes. I remember nothing about her acting ability. I do remember she came to school on the first day of our second year even skinner. She walked in and we all did a double take. The difference was alarming. You know the scene in "Amelie", where she crumbles? There are those moments through life when you feel exactly like that and you know you'd crumble just the same if you could? That was one of those times.
Supermodel 2 was nice but could come across as prissy. She was from the midwest and seemed like it, although she'd lived in NYC for quite some time. She was very close with Harriet. They were a funny pair visually, night and day in height and looks. Supermodel 2 could not act her way out of a paper bag that first year. By the end of our second year I saw her do some work that impressed me. She'd grown leaps and bounds. It was a strange thing to witness. I think there is something to be said for natural talent but also for formal training. She learned a skill. She really was taught something she didn't inherently have.
Lynn and I were spending a ton of time together outside of school too. Which meant she'd hung out with me and The Guy...and had met and hit it off with Ty! Just when I was going to lose my mind with the constant threesome, Lynn was there to save the day. It was nothing short of magical to hit the town as a foursome and to have a girl friend to share it with.
Even so, I still had an underlying feeling that all was not quite as it should be. I wasn't completely satisfied.
What was I still searching for?
October 13
"Saturday night I went to a psychic with Lynn. Her reader was the one to sense my sadness but she told her not to advise me. That my decisions had to be made by only me, and I'd do it. Along the same lines my psychic told me to make my own decisions and not listen to advice or outside influences. He said the ones closest to me are the ones holding me back. He said this city is very draining to me. That I need to be around nature. He says I'll be here either 2-3 months or 2-3 years. He said he sees me doing what I came here to do and won't leave until I do it. He said this is where I need to be right now and the city is good for me in that respect. He says money wont be a problem for me. I'll be successful, have financial stability, have a business of my own. I'm a leader, not a follower. He said the west coast is where it will all happen. I'll travel a lot, maybe live in two places at once. He kept telling me how sensitive I am. My ora is blue. There has been, or is, or something a lot of backstabbers around me. He said this year has brought many changes and that I have to learn to be still. Not to backtrack, not move forward, but just be still. He says the sixteenth of next month there will be a big change. A big change is coming. Career and financial wise but that it will be very overwhelming and I'll feel like putting something to the side with so much on my plate. He says I need to be taking care of myself and working on me before I can really be in a relationship and when I do know me, guys will have more respect for me. He says the guy I'm with now will be someone I'll learn a lot from. It is a positive thing for me. I care about him a lot and want him to care about me, too and he does. But he has a lot going on he needs to sort out. He's trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. That he is sensitive. He's easily influenced by others and will do things they want him to do, even things he doesn't want to do himself. He said there is a communication problem with us. A distance. That I'm not getting what I want from him and that I wont wait around for him to come around. He says that I haven't met the one and wont for 3-5 years. By 2006 I will have. He says love comes to me but it isn't a matter of the right person at the right time yet. He says until then there will be other men and it will be good, or positive, I think, but they won't be it. He says the one I'm with now should not be what I should be focusing all my time and energy into. That I need to be open to other men. He mentioned a great friendship a couple of times. Lynns psychic told her she'd meet a photographer...she'd met Ty. My psychic told me to watch what I put into my body. That I'll have a long and healthy life. All of this weirded me out and made me sad but I don't believe the seeing into the future part. I think they're sensitive people who are good at picking up on others characters or sensitivity, and the future is all a gamble. I understand now how Kyle went to his psychic and then thought he was for awhile because I feel it, too. I feel is if there is a number of people I can sit down with and lay it all out to in a way that could be articulated to sound prophetic. Anyway. I get sooooo incredibly internal and over analytical. Negative and examining myself that I can't see the forest through the trees..."
I felt awkward that Lynn was now clued in to the fact that I wasn't completely happy. I know we talked a little bit about it afterward but I also wanted to down play it. We went for drinks after and she had some of her guy friends meet us. The only other thing I remember about that night was all of us drunkenly going into a deli for Ben & Jerrys that I just had to have. I was excited to get my favorite kind. We went back to her place and she put it in the microwave despite my protests. She kept in in there for far too long and when it came out it was practically soup.
If I'd been bummed before, now I was really bummed she'd just ruined my favorite ice cream.
Postcard for our show. Here is the front, all info & cast was listed on the back:
Shot from the show:
That's Lynn on the left. That's me with the black hair & black pants. See the girl holding the camera? That's Harriet. Next to her is Steve, who's room I took in my new apartment.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
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