August to August.

The way we experience time is funny.  I've brought that up a lot here.  Why a a day with the same amount of hours in it as the one before can fly by or never end.  We are in control of how time passes.

I don't like to measure in time, yet dates always get me.  I'm very aware of anniversaries.  I'm not talking birthdays or relationships, but the other life markers.  My life is full of sensitive, beautiful, tragic dates.  Most of which you'll never know about.  You can't, because only I can experience them.  This is my point of view.  It is my story to live...but sometimes to tell.  

Right now it's 10:27 on August 11th.  It's Sunday.  Last year this day was a saturday night.  I remember it clearly.  I remember what I was wearing.  I remember what that night held.  What it meant.  

The next day, August 12, 2012 the universe shifted me once again.  I took photos on that day.  

I love capturing everything in a photo, in a blog entry, in a poem. 

You will never know my sadness in those photos.

Or if you know me well, look closely and maybe I'm not fooling you at all.

What a difference a year makes.  That seems to be a recurring theme in this blog.

On this day last year, or on that Sad Sunday if you would have asked me if I could have imagined my life being what it is now, today, in 2013 I never ever would have believed you.  

I am still speechless.  

I am still somewhat scared I am living in a dream.  

I am still learning that it's okay to let myself experience my truth and my happiness, 

entire.  

I am still seeing examples all around me of synchrodestiny in this tailor made universe, and the sense that we are all not only safe, but just where we are supposed to be in a grand scheme deepens.  

You belong.  I belong.

I feel it.  I feel loved.  I feel wanted.  I am.

That's all for now.  

10:37.  Ten minutes.  

Thank you...

Thank you...

Gratitude.  

""Even if I now saw you only once, I would long for you through worlds, worlds." 
- Izumi Shikibu"

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Deena Marie 

Thumbs Up

This is the month.  On the 27th it will be the one year mark.  One year since Chuck left.  There's one story I've had and haven't been able to share.  I've wanted to, I just couldn't write it.  I wanted it documented and out in the word but could never find my own words to tell it.  So, I asked my mom.  It took her awhile to be able to do it, but over the weekend, she did.  Here is a very special story in her beautiful words.  May is definitely going to be about honoring our Chuck.

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I want to share with you a small moment in my family’s life, that made a huge impact! Maybe I should say a moment between my daughter and my brother.  My handsome, humorous, brother Chuck, left us last May. So here we are at almost a year, still contending with shooting pains in our hearts.

What a unique guy my brother was, and I mean that in a most loving way.  Chuck was the prankster of the family, how he came up with some of the jokes he pulled on us is still a mystery.  We were his personal guinea pigs! This teasing also extended to his nieces and nephews.

I’ve told Deena she takes after her uncle Chuck that way.  The have the same humor, and they shared an invisible, mighty bond. 

Chuck was so proud of Deena, from the day she was born, until his last minutes on this earth.

As I ride that hideous roller coaster of sadness, certain memories linger.  One of my favorites happened while he was in the hospital for the last time.

Chuck was rushed by ambulance to the emergency on May 10^th, 2012.  He would be in the hospital for the next two weeks, all but one of those days in the ICU.  There the medical staff hovered over him and did their difficult jobs, and there were many.

Now my Chuck, this bigger than life guy, was on the brink of death.  He lay in his hospital bed, intubated and unconscious.  He was our sleeping giant.  This was a hard part for my family, we hugged and cried and dealt with our crumbling hearts. 

I existed in my stupor, wearing boots made of lead, seeing through gray lenses, and carrying an internal ball of fear.

That was how I functioned last May. 

Around the fourth or fifth day, the doctors decided it was time to wean him off his medications.  This would help determine how sick he really was.  This is the time the silent worry began, if he did wake up, would he be our same Chuck? Had he been oxygen deprived?

The nurses encouraged us to talk to Chuck and touch him during this time.  He began to turn his head toward the sounds of voices.  Or any loud noise.  He became restless, letting a leg hang off his bed.  But we needed more! Please Chuck, just open your eyes! Please give us a sign!

This process lasted maybe two days, it felt like years. 

Deena was on her way to the hospital when I suddenly had this feeling or premonition.  There was going to be a connection between Deena and Chuck! I JUST KNEW! Deena knew it too, she felt it as she walked down the hospital corridor. 

Deena walked into the room, stood at the foot of his bed, and said, “Hi Chuck”.  He raised his arm in the air and gave a big Thumbs Up! Oh my god! Did he just give us our sign?! He had reacted to her after all! I KNEW IT! That darn thumb caused so much emotion and elation at the same time!

Deena and Chuck were truly connected!

My mom burst out crying, which caused a slight domino effect.  But they were tears of joy!

Later mom would say it reminded her of a fairy tale, when the Prince awakens the Princess.  In our case, it was the niece, that woke her uncle!

I can only tell you, that in my minds eye, I relive this miracle moment, over and over. 

And so, to my daughter and big brother, I give you both, a Thumbs Up!

- Lauren Manzanares 

April, 2013

Speak a new language

Speak a new language 
so that the world 
will be 
a new world 

-Rumi 

April, June, December
Metamorphosis, Shed a skin

Just a little over six months in between
Grow, Rebirth

...2012 fades away, the evolution of a contained 365 days complete,
and a new year is being born...

Join me: Instagram 

Deena Marie 


★ 

Shed a skin. Reconnect. Grow.

Time.  Life.  Evolve.  Live.  Transform.  Shed a skin.  Transition.  Rebirth.  Reconnect.  Reflect.  Find yourself in every moment.  Embrace change.  Each stage.  Life keeps marching on.  Forward is the only choice.  No fear.  Free.  Grow.  One year.

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