In case I never see you again...

Too many women spend too much time hating on their bodies. I used to be one. When I was 19 I had a an eating disorder, and didn't get my period for months. I simply was not eating. My case was not the norm. I never had a weight problem, I was just so bombarded with the media telling me to be skinny (and too young to know better) that I figured whatever I was wasn't good enough. That if everyone had to be skinny, that must mean I should be skinnier. I remember wearing my new coat that winter, and thanks to my newfound body dysmorphia, I chose to freeze rather than attempt zipping it up. I was convinced it wouldn't fit. A year or two later when I tried it, it zipped of course, with plenty of room to spare. I was small to begin with, and even smaller at the time.

Soon after, I moved to NYC. I rebelled. I'd drink many sugary alcoholic drinks in the evening and end the night with a giant burrito. I'd start the next morning with a caramel macchiato and cinnamon coffee cake. I stuffed myself. My diet had never been so out of control. I felt myself purposely rebelling, and for the first time in my life, I gained weight. I remember going home that first Christmas, excited to get more of my clothes to take back with me, only nothing fit. Luckily my break was long, I spent time working out, and the weight began to shed. It came off completely over the next few months. It was short lived.

I spent much of my youth a perfectionist. Over the years I slowly eased up on myself. I would was still aware of what I was putting into my body, but over time I stopped counting calories and restricting. In fact, the last few years I've paid no attention whatsoever. As in I just eat what I want when I want (just not out of control like in NYC). I'm no longer worried about it. I just live my life. I love food. I love sweets. And I've realized how lucky I am. I don't have a weight issue. I stay fairly small, and fairly the same. I don't have to stress about calories, and I don't have to be a slave in the gym.

Over the years I've come to appreciate my body. It's what houses my soul, and lets me experience this life. I saw loved ones pass away, and felt honored to still be here in the healthy body I'd been dealt. Thank you, body. I met the love of my life, and felt humbled I am in a body right now on earth to meet him and experience this love. Thank you, body. I got pregnant. Our son is growing in me right now. I am creating life. Thank you, body.

But. Will I be okay if I never see my old body again? What does pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery have in store for me? Will I look the same? What if I don't? I didn't gain any weight during my first trimester, but it's coming. How will I feel? It's the first time in my life in years (while I'm aware of the miracle that is happening) that I feel out of control over my body, and what's in store feels foreign. I admit, it's a little scary. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel concerned about impeding weight gain and body changes, and I'm also sad at how shallow this worry is. It's strange. On one hand, I never knew life could feel this elevated, magical, and right. It's another level. On the other hand, I don't know yet how to wrap my head around this fear of what's to come.

I'm full of contradictions. I want to see it. I want to see my bump. I want to know the baby is growing, and feel him move. But what will I really look like?

What if I don't feel comfortable in my own skin? 
What if I don't feel like myself? 

I know all is temporary. It's already going by so quickly. I do think I'm good at accepting. I've been so grateful for my body as I've gotten older, I hope it's tenfold once I truly experience what it's going to do for myself and my husband.

So, I wanted a place to document the old me. The me that I've been for (almost) all of my life this far. I swear I'm not trying to be annoying, or self indulgent, or brag. I just want to remember, in case I never see this me again.

Maybe I'm scared to lose what I finally learned to love so much.

I don't believe in regret, but if I did, it would be that I didn't always love and appreciate my body throughout my entire life. I hope and long for this to carry forward into the unknown.

Winter 2015, I had been sick and hadn't been able to eat much. 

Summer 2015 

                                                                    Summer 2015

                                                                       May 2015

                                                                      May 2015

                                                                    August 2015




DM

Flash back / forward

I didn't always know I wanted to be a mom. I didn't grow up knowing it was in my future, or dreaming of the day it would happen. I never felt a strong desire for a child in any long term relationship I was in. If anything, I was confused about it. I thought that I should want it, and almost felt bad that I couldn't truly say I did.

When I met my husband everything changed. Not only was he the first man I'd ever been with to tell me how much he wanted it, and wanted it with me, but he'd point to moms with their babies and whisper, "that's going to be you." Chills would run through me.

Because it was him, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. There was no confusion. There was no question. There was no lack of desire. It was simply there. It was simply what we would do.

Isn't it always so crazy to look back, before you known what's in store for your journey?

We wrote our own wedding vows. They were stunning. In mine I started with the first time I saw him. Around 4 & 1/2 years ago now. I was in a zumba class and he walked by. I noticed 1.) How tall he was 2.) That he was the most good looking man I'd ever seen. I mean, double take. Close to running out of class to get another look. I thought to myself how if he were to walk by again, I would in fact leave to get a peek.

It would be another few months before our paths crossed again. I remember that second encounter just as clearly. Our eyes meeting in a mirror. I believe in love at first sight. It may not be quite as literal as it sounds, but there is something that can (does, and did) happen that's very close. It's electric and it's instant and it's unmistakable. It would be awhile before our timing was right, but years later I'd learn it was always him. Only him. The only person I've really truly loved.

What if I could have had a flash of our future at either encounter #1 or #2? What if I would have been able to see, or if I could have just known that he that would be my husband. My love. The handsome man who walked past zumba was it. The one I locked eyes with in the mirror was him. The father of my baby. That one day, years later we'd be seeing our first ultrasound together. Picking out clothes. Naming our baby. Adding a little human, half of each of us to the world.

I would have never believed it. Yet it's the most natural thing in the world.



Deena Marie

It's A Boy!

IT'S A BOY!

Two weeks ago today, we found out the gender. First read my previous post, Positive, on the day I found out I was pregnant. I talk about how I was certain it would be a girl. My husband was, too. For the last two years we've talked about our future daughter as if we just knew, and there was no other option. We were surprised to find out there were optional screening tests you could do early (end of the first trimester) that would pick up the chromosomes to reveal the gender. I have strong intuition and I could feel it was a she. I would have bet anything on it. Imagine my surprise when I answered the phone the day my results were in. The Dr. was calling with good news, all is well and the baby is healthy. I'd been on the edge of my seat until I heard those words. Then she asked if I was ready for the gender. I said yes, and she said it was a boy! 

I'll never understand how my gut feeling could be so off, and I didn't know what my husband would say when I called him to tell him we were wrong. But his reaction was one of the most special things I've ever experienced. Thinking about it still chokes me up. I spent the day shocked. Never disappointed, just mind blown that we were wrong. I never saw this in my future. I never pictured a boy. But over the next few hours I started to realize that this surprise came to us because we needed it. It's what is meant to be. Whoever is supposed to come to us, to be our baby, to be alive at this time is who needs to be. The shock's now worn off and we've already started our collection of little boy onesies, bibs, blankets, and toys!

We're getting a son! I can't wait to meet him. I already love him. I want to hold him and kiss him and smell him right now. Our boy. Yet at the same time I don't want a single day of this to be rushed. In six months we'll have him! It's already flying by and I want to savor every single moment. 

He has a name, and hearing it out loud feels like pure magic. 

Photos: Lauren's Photography (straight out of the camera, I was too excited and impatient for edits!)

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POSITIVE

Now that we've officially announced the news, I can start blogging about it!

I found out I was pregnant on July 18th. It was one of the most surreal days of my life. I've now said that about the day we saw our baby on the ultrasound, and again when we found out the gender. I want to share my journey because as I was hoping to embark on it, I often felt so in the dark. I couldn't always find the answers I wanted, or the hope. I mean, just read my previous posts for yoU Magazine, Are You Pregnant Yet? and The Women We Don't Speak Of.  

But first things first. Let's start with that day the test was positive.



July 18, 2015.

And just like that, everything has changed. It happens in a split second. So simple and so profound at the same time. Everything that had worried you before,

it's taking forever
will I ever get pregnant
what If I can't
how many pregnancy tests will I have to buy
when do I get a positive 
when do I get to tell my husband 
when 
when 
when 

Is simply over. Gone. You instantly feel your entire world shift. 

July 18, 2015 the test was positive. I was so one hundred percent ready to see the negative, that I truly didn't believe my eyes as I watched the two lines appear this time. I couldn't comprehend it. I was so confused. My fantasy of telling my husband in a cute and calm way was forgotten. I called him right away, breathless, heart pounding, "I think I'm pregnant". I'm not even sure what else I said. I kept thinking this positive sign might mean I am. I think it's telling me I am. Maybe.

I kept thinking I'd know I was pregnant before a test told me. I'd feel it. But it was a total surprise. I'd also taken a test on July 4th that was negative. I wasn't even nervous watching the results this next time, because I was sure it was just another wasted test. I was actually holding off because I was getting sick of spending money on tests. I called my mom next. I spent the day in a total daze. Late afternoon it started to sink in a little more. This was Saturday. Saturday and Sunday I was so distracted. How do I go back to my old life? How do I see anyone if I'm not able to mention anything? How would I just talk about the same old stuff? It's real. It's really happening. Yet it still feels so surreal.

I feel so excited. I feel a female energy. I'll be surprised if she's a he. My first thought, "she's here." I also feel all sorts of worried. I want her safe, I want her healthy, and I want to know that she is okay right this second. I'm anxious, I'm bursting, I want to shout it from the rooftops.

I've had the coolest life up until now. I've gotten to do so many amazing things. I've felt so lucky and so satisfied in what I've done for so long. I've longed for this next phase. Something to take me outside of myself. It was time.

It was time.



*I had 5 negative months before my positive. Six negative tests total if you count the one I took two weeks before my positive. I know in hindsight it was a short amount of time, and I'm lucky. But the negatives can sure play mental and emotional games with a woman. 


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