Begin again.

In 33 days 2012 will no longer exist.

I am DONE with 2012.  In fact, I'm so done that I'm not going to wait even a single day or minute longer.  I made the decision for myself on sunday night that monday when I woke up, I would come "back to life."  I would not look back.

I would change my mind.  I would change my thoughts.

You see, I spent most of this year dying.  Really.  When I say most of this year, I mean most of it.  And when I say dying, I mean dying.

This was the year of loss.  The year of impossible goodbyes.  I will always remember that about 2012.  The year that changed my entire life, down to my very insides.  Literally, figuratively.  All senses shifted this year.

Some of it I've poured out to you here.  Sometimes I wore it, and many people saw it.  There was public knowledge loss.  There was other loss, too.  Some of it a small number of people knew, I could count the number on two hands.  And some of it nobody knows.  Nobody but a soul or two.  Some loss I was able to release, and some I had to sew secretly into myself.  And secretly process and secretly live with.  Every day.  All day.  If you're reading this, you know a lot.  But there's also a lot you'll never know.  Just know that there are times when I was, and am, amazed I'm still standing.

I went to very dark places.  I didn't know I had them in me.
I almost lost myself to grief.  I survived.

Survival is nothing short of miraculous.

At times I experienced great joy and healing.  I had some of my favorite and most important adventures, and life experiences.

Yesterday was six months since my Chuck left.  Who knew that the half year mark would also be 17 days since my Grandfather left.

From here on out I march on with the intent of living, of forward, of creation.  It is time for addition.  For filling up life, seeing, doing, feeling, experiencing.

That's my promise to you.  To me.

"You are responsible for your own happiness."

I choose to end differently than where I started.

A million lifetimes can happen in 365 days.  It can change everything about the person you are, and what you thought was true.  I have seen opposite ends of the spectrum, and every possibility in between.  There is nothing that can scare me ever again.

I came out on the other end triumphant.  I refused defeat.