I got my Ford Fiesta!

AHHHH! I'm so tired I don't even know who I am or what day it is!

I am back from Denver training! Flew out tuesday afternoon - hassled at the airport for not meeting the liquid requirements.  Two security dudes held me up forever, afraid I was going to be late.  One was a total jackass the other was really cool - so I told him all about the fiesta movement, he already knew a little bit about the fiesta coming to the US in a year! 

Plane was late taking off nearly an hour - here's where the stress level continues to build - I had my fingers crossed that my driver would be waiting for me!  Made it in only 30 minutes late, we made up for time during the flight.

Hotel.  Was.  Gorgeous.  I got to my room opened the door and saw a huge, contemporary, funky suite.  Was sad I wouldn't be spending more time in there!

We met downstairs, 8 of us total, went out to a delicious dinner, everyone was so laid back and nice!  We learned all about the fiesta movement, how to navigate our online contributions, media, etc.  Let me just say: THIS THING IS HUGE.  I mean, I knew it was when I signed on to do this - but you don't quite grasp the magnitude of it until you get there.  WHAT a once in a lifetime chance! We got some swag which included addidas sneakers, sony webbie (orange for me) cams, and fiesta movement t shirts.  

The majority of the group were guys.  I was the only "youtube celeb/personality".  The rest were mainly car enthusiasts.  Isn't it wild how the fiestamovement has brought so many people together and interested? With the fiestamovement.com site up we're able to share our own personal sites and footage.  We all want to drive this car / be involved in the movement for so many different reasons! Out of 4,000 entries the 100 agents chosen are so diverse - we cover quite a span of ages, careers and interests.  Each training session sounded like it was tons of fun with all sorts of personalities and vibes.  

Totally cool.  Gatherings like these would never happen otherwise.

I never have a spare moment and after working hard all week I was beat by the time we went back to the hotel.  I thought I'd want to hit the town, but I opted for a bottle of red wine via room service and an Ichat with Dave.  

Early morning wednesday.  Breakfast.  Learned more about the car itself.  Checked out & headed to the racetrack.  Everyone had the hot magenta or lime.  Most had graphics, but I had opted for none on "Rosalita"...little Rosie for short.   Lunch then learned how to drive a stick!! I was trained by a professional - and while I learned from the best, I knew I would not want to risk driving it on my own the first day.  I want to be 110% confident before I'm around other cars.  

My instructor drove me to the airport (after 3 laps around the track like bats outta hell where he drove and I tried not to cry, pass out & throw up a little) where Dave had flown in to drive the new car for me and we headed home from there.

I love Rosalita!  She's so tiny - she looks like a little pink space age bubblemobile from the outside, but inside you don't feel like you're in a small car.  It's so comfortable and gorgeous! We stopped for dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Laramie, Wyoming called Corona Town? Corona Ville? It's like the only thing off of the freeway exit with nothing around it and it's huge!  Totally packed with other people passing through.  

Stopped for gas and I accidentally told poor Dave the wrong type of gas (what can I say, It'd been a long day) and we were so confused trying to find a station with the right kind / nozzle.  Duh.  Figured that out.  A few hours later we stopped for gas again, got the see cashier sign and went inside only to wait forever since their systems were down.  Decided to go to the next gas station across the street, drove literally for 10 seconds and right when we pulled up to the pump? Flashing police lights behind us.  Driving with no headlights- which we hadn't realized - but no ticket, got to tell the cop about the fiestamovement and gave him a business card.  He seemed excited to check it out! Ha ha ha.  

By then it was a little before midnight when we realized we were too beat to go through the night and should probably just stay.  Found a Best Western.  Geez, what a downgrade from the night before :)  It was totally smelly but I was so happy to sleep.  When I laid down I felt like I was still moving after being in a car so long.  Good thing I don't get motion sickness! Next thing I knew, alarm went off at 7 am and we were off again.  Stopped for breakfast and finally made it back to SLC.  

I'm totally delirious.  I have so much to do it's not even funny.  I still squeezed in another driving lesson, this time with my dad and it was so much fun.  I felt like I was really getting the hang of it.  Still not ready for the road, but a lot more confident that I will be able to.  I'm not gonna push it, I'm going to take my time and practice! I never thought I'd learn how or want to learn how to drive a stick.  Never say never! 

I've given up on the fact I won't be up for a workout.  I took a nap instead.  Gotta work on my script later & get back into the swing of things this weekend.  

PS I missed my baby dog so much! My mom stayed at our house with him and I have been kissing and hugging him like crazy all day.  We're bundled in a blanket as I type this and he's sleeping...

(I'll post pictures of the last couple days sometime this weekend!)

Rehearsals, photoshoots and lots of video projects coming up! 

Goodnight! zzzzzzzz

A jet plane & elephant dreams

Pic is by my lovie 

Tomorrow is the day I fly out to the Ford Fiesta training! I'm headed to Denver, CO.  Somewhere I've never been.  I don't know how many other agents will be there, or what to expect.  All I know is I get in around 3 pm and the schedule is pretty nonstop until the following day around 4 pm.  I won't see the car until day two when they take us out to a huge racetrack! 

My sweetheart is flying out and meeting me for the long drive home.  Thank god.  We'll stop for dinner and listen to music and like always, I'll talk nonstop and make him play all sorts of games I make up on the spot.  Just like any other night at home :) 

I have it on pretty good authority I'll be getting a stick shift.  Um...I have no idea how to drive one.  So...I'm pretty scared.  But I guess it's not everyday you get a free car for six months and gas and insurance paid, right? So I'll learn!  And it's PINK!  What girl doesn't dream of her own pink car? 

Here is the official site http://www.fiestamovement.com/agents find my profile there and be sure and keep tabs - this is just the beginning and there will be so much exclusive content being posted to that site in the next six months!

*A little note about the blog before this one*  Well slap my ass and call me betty, that turned out to be so much more controversial than I thought!  I had many people message me both worried and cheering me on.  Let me just say this; my blog is another branch of my online presence.  It's something I resisted for so long because it's sort of a diary.  It just happens to be on the internet, because let's face it, what isn't these days?  

My online world is now a huge part of me.  It's now a source of work and income.  It's important to me and I liked the idea of sharing a vulnerable and intimate part of me, to show people more of who I am.  I like the idea that we teach one another by sharing life experiences.  That entry was not meant to be threatening or mean or anything other than me sharing some thoughts and feelings.  I'll never apologize for my art, my feelings or who  I am.  

This brings up a whole new conundrum...my online life mixing with my 'real' life.  How to balance that.  How to explain one to the other, when I'm someone who doesn't like to explain herself and has reasons for why I post what I post and write what I write.  For reasons that I may not always be at liberty to say.  

Next topic.  The dream I had friday night:

I was outside and found a pen on an old run down farm, nobody in sight.  No people, no animals...just one little baby elephant.  I knew it was alone so I put it in a blanket and was carrying it around like a baby.  It was resting it's head on my shoulder.  I wanted to keep it but knew it would get too big (duh), so I was trying to find it help or take it to a vet.  I finally found one and they were really busy and said they'd see me as soon as the people in front of me were seen.  One doctor passed by and looked at it and told me "it has a broken heart".  I went outside to find Dave to tell him I was gonna wait at the vet until they could see the elephant, and I woke up.  

Today I was with my mom and told her about this dream & she said that just yesterday on the CBS Sunday Morning show there was a segment on an elephant orphanage in Kenya where they raise baby elephants who's moms have been killed by poachers.  Some make it, some don't.  Some die...from grief.  A broken heart.

WHAT DOES THAT ALL MEAN?!

How did I dream that and why would I dream that without seeing that?!?!

Anyway...enough of this and I can't wait to leave tomorrow and be around new people and new surroundings!  

I need to travel!  I need adventure!

I'm determined to make this summer (except for May, what with "Infantry Monologues") all about it.  And yes, I've booked everything for the Youtube gathering this July.  I say it all the time, how I miss NYC so much and hate that I get farther away from my old life there everyday.

I bought the hotel and flight...and burst into tears :)

xo Deena Marie

Loyal Friends & Mean Girls

After seeing some tweets of an online friend about mean girls a few weeks back, and recently having a conversation with a real life friend about loyal friends, I figured it was time to blog it, bitches.  

It's perfect timing, since I was trying to make sense of recent events in my own life having to do with both of these subjects.  Is there something in the air?!  

I had what I thought was a very dear friend at one time horribly betray me right before a very very, very important time in my life.  I have had no contact with her in two years and don't want any.  It's hard for me to forgive, like I've said before.  I don't forget.  I could possibly move past it, given the time and chance, but if an apology was never attempted then there goes that chance.  

Without getting into it all, let me just say this was a person I was always there for, listening too, counseling, etc.  She was a hot mess.  Couldn't keep a friendship, boyfriend or a job.  Yet she always told me how it was the other person, how people were always so mean to her, constantly mistreating her.  I believed it the first few years until I got fucked over and realized, "Wait - the common factor in all of this is YOU!"  

Took me a long time to see it, despite the warning signs and warnings of other people, but I did.  After/during the falling out, she kept contacting me and trying to hash this all out when I clearly couldn't and she knew it was not the time and place.  In order to move on with my life in a healthy way, I had to cut her out.  I blocked her online and she deleted her accounts.  

Time passed and recently she popped up on FB in 'people you may know'.  I was shocked to  see we had more than just a few friends in common.  She had not tried to contact me, but she sure went ahead and mooched off of all my friends...people that I know and am in contact with regularly.  Was she trying to reach out to me? I don't think so.  Trying to look like she has friends? I guess.  Was it creepy? YES!  I contacted those "mutual friends" with a warning she was lurking my sites, requesting my contacts.  They could care less about her, told me so themselves, but there she is.  

For what? To spy on me?! Move on! It's not like we got in a fight over a borrowed outfit, this was a big fucking deal and does she not realize how spooky this is coming across?! And do those "mutual friends" realize the message this sends? That her behavior is acceptable?! This brings me back to loyalty.  Finding loyal friends is HARD!  Really, really, really, really hard. 

There are people I can trust.  More than a few.  But I find myself constantly let down when someone doesn't follow through.  If you say you feel a certain way, or you're going to do something, fucking STICK TO YOUR GUNS! Back it up!  I know I've said this before, I demand a lot of myself and so I demand a lot from others.  

Now, nothing has/would happen in the sense that I'd cut anyone out of my life who's currently in it.  No.  But I still find those moments of, "Arghhh, why?! Why are you being fake to that person when you just said you don't like them?! Why did you end up doing something you'd just been talking shit on!?!"  I.  Don't.  Get.  It.  If I don't like you?  I'm not going to call you.  I'm not going to fucking facebook you with a compliment I don't mean and I'm not going to invite you out with me.  Isn't that much more honest? No? Yes? 

Okay now these two topics are getting a bit more jumbled than I thought they would, but I'm going to keep going.  There was something that happened with another online personality awhile ago and I didn't really talk about it but has to do with all of this, mainly mean girls.  Someone who clearly felt threatened by me and took it upon herself to send me a beyond ridiculous myspace message and then again much more recently post more hateful comments, even here! On this little old blog that only has, what, 43 followers?!  

I'm a tough girl, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.  Why did it bother me? Because she doesn't know me.  I don't know her.  It's scary that someone takes that time out to leave you nasty comments.  And another girl? It's beyond creepy.  If someone goes out of their way to hate on you, it's clearly because they're threatened by you, they're jealous.  Otherwise they wouldn't.  It's that simple.  God, if I felt that way about someone I would never, ever behave that way.  Why would you want to show your weaknesses so blatantly? Look so childish? Grow up, work on your own art and stop obsessing over me or whoever else you're trying to harass.  Online, of all places.  

Good lord.  

I just don't understand cruel behavior.  Woman to woman.  Especially as I get older.  Girlfriends are so important.  It's important to invest time and loyalty to the friendships you have.  There's just too many catty bitches out there.  I think it's important to check in on your friends and ask how they are, look out for them.  And support them.  They take the priority over someone you've met a handful of times.  No pretense, no backhanded bullshit.  If it's someone you really honest to god care for, then be in their corner and please, please ladies; remain loyal and knock off the nonsense. 

Not that we all can't use a reminder to practice what we preach and say what we mean and mean what we say.  Lord knows none of us are perfect. 

I'm frustrated.  Sometimes I think maybe I'm too loyal and too passionate for my own good. 

Deena Marie 

"Growing Up"

LOOK! My "vampire" shots are finally here! DC Snaps photography click for larger view!

Since I just had a birthday on March 27, 

I thought it was a good time to write a blog on what I've learned so far...

A birthday is kind of like new years, isn't it? 

Another chance to grab life by the balls and start again.

*Confidence really is everything.  It's the magic key to conquering the world.

*Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness is wack. No, really. 

I'm certain that having oodles of it would solve any problem that one could ever encounter.  Think about it.  Now if only a briefcase of a billion dollars would show up on my front porch.

*Why burlesque  / pinup shoots? Why not! You're only young once.  I'm not gonna look like this forever. One day I'll be a wrinkly old granny who will be very happy to have those old pictures!

*There are no rules in life.  There is no such thing as right or wrong.  We make our own rules as we go, no matter how we were raised.  Ideals change all the time and that's ok.

*Never underestimate the importance of your girlfriends.   Treat them well.  Make an effort.

*I will always have a restless / vagabond spirit.  

*Everyone is judgemental.  Even those who claim not to be.  They may not even know it.

*I think too much.  I analyze way to much the older I get.  I need to knock it off. 

*I like where I live.  I get defensive when people ask me how I can possibly live in UT.  

I've poked fun at some things, but come on! Clearly if it was from hell, I'd move.  

*Trust until you're given a reason not to. 

*I have a hard time giving a second chance.  I demand a lot from myself, therefore I demand a lot from others.

*I have a love / hate relationship with having a busy / productive schedule.

*I long to travel.

*If I love you, then I love you.  If I don't like you, I don't like you.  I probably won't flip flop.

I'm very black and white. 

*I can't believe there are people out there against marriage equality for all.  It blows my mind.  

*I like to keep my truly private life private to the world.

*I really really really love my puppy!

In other news! I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN as 1 of 100 FORD FIESTA AGENTS! 

For those of you who don't know, it was a contest on Youtube.  You made a video on why 

you'd be perfect for the contest.  They wanted people with a strong internet presence.  

I got the call a couple of days ago.  I'll be flying out late this month for training, and driving the car home! Each month we're assigned a new mission involving the car and video making.

Now head over to www.youtube.com/BeanerLaRue for the new video, "It's Prom Season"

xoxo Deena

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Magazine cover!

Can I get a hells yeah? I am so thrilled with the cover of this weeks "IN" magazine (top picture)! I wish I had the photos to post from the inside, too! I'll see what I can do to find them! (Bottom picture is from may last year, same mag.)

Tomorrow is my birthday! 

I'm performing for the big "IN" magazine party, doing a song/burlesque routine to "Whatever Lola Wants".  I have the most amazing attire to perform in...I'm very excited.  

Last night some of my favorite peeps put together a birthday dinner for me at one of my favorite restaurants.  I soooo needed the night out.  And the sake.  And a beer.  And friends.  It's been a long ass week.  I had an hour and a half audition yesterday.  If it works out, I'll be pretty much in day rehearsals for that, night rehearsals for "Infantry Monologues" (yes, the one I've twittered about aka the 25 page monologue) with "Infantry" performing end of may & the other performing mid June.  

Uh, hello! Nothing else I'd rather be spending my day doing! 

I'm trying to change my mindset of hating birthdays to celebrating them.  Right now it's working, I'm feeling nothing but excitement over this magazine cover & this cool party tomorrow night.  Now stuff like that certainly doesn't happen every year! 

Tonight will be spent relaxing, watching last nights "Lost", maybe getting a video out on youtube & rehearsing for tomorrow! 

Deena 

little cousin

Here i am on St. Pattys day at the museum with one of my little cousins.

Okay, so he may be taller than I am now...

but I still remember the first time I held him!

Oh, and the last  one is my mommy. 

~Deena

No time! But...

Geez! What the? Haven't blogged in ages! 

Sorry for neglecting you, little blog.

I don't have time for details right now...

I promise a longer post this week.  

In a nutshell? I've uploaded three new videos in a week to http://www.youtube.com/BeanerLaRue so go check them out if you haven't! My 'mom', Lola, is back in her third video for youtube's adopt a feature program, in a video titled "My Mom Swaps (Audioswaps).  Read the video info.  The second is a behind the scenes of a photo shoot with a local photographer.  I have had the footage for two months now and was waiting to put the real photos in it, but since I still haven't gotten them, I went with what I have.  I really love the way this one is edited.  One of my favs.  It was their vision of what Bella from "Twilight" would look like after she turned Vamp.  Not from the book, Bella, I repeat: This is THEIR version! Twilight fans are so fucking hardcore it's ridiculous.  That one's called Yesterday I uploaded my entry for the Ford Fiesta Movement.  Please be sure and watch and comment! It makes me laugh.  A lot.  I don't usually lol at my own videso, but I think because my sweetheart and I were having so much fun shooting while we did it...it's a special one.  In non youtube related news, I've had quite a few theatre offers coming my way...currently in memorization hell (I say this with love) for a play I'll be doing soon.  This requires me to learn a 15 page monologue.  Also busy planning for my birthday party / "IN" magazine Scene in SLC party on March 27th! 

Oh, and as for the muppet pic up top? You know when you can't for the life of you remember the name of something? I was trying to tell someone about that particular muppet and my mommy finally remembered her name is baby Natasha.  So I had to google her.  That pic is now my screensaver. 

More later this week!

Deenie 

Something in the air...

I'm a firm believer that if you want something bad enough and WORK towards it long (and hard) enough it happens.  I truly, truly believe it.  

Remember when I started this blog, for the new year, with high hopes to be as optimistic and stress free as possible? To "let my inner light shine" and spread that positivity to others, etcetera etcetra? Well I feel like the last couple weeks I totally backtracked.  I tend to get so focused and super introspective and hard on myself.  I get in so deep I don't realize how negative this becomes for me.  It results in me totally trapped inside my head, overthinking everything.  

What happened to the enjoying little things and celebrating successes? With me things don't usually happen gradually.  I'm more of a quick change artist.  Well yesterday I snapped out of it.  I think it happened during a conversation with my sweetheart at dinner about people who aren't pursuing their own happiness.  Be it their creativity work, relationships, etc. People we know of who are stuck in a rut and years are going by and they're wasting valuable time.  Fear holds them back and they have nobody to blame but themselves.  I get so passionate about this when it's someone I care about.  I do not and will not ever understand someone who doesn't make changes, take risks and do everything in their power to be happy and successful and who they want to be.  

I think that I fear this so much that that's why I get so hard and critical and introspective, demanding more, more, more! Is it good enough? Am I doing enough? What else can I do? What more can I do? But.  In doing so I don't stop to realize how lucky I am.  The amazing things that have come my way, especially the last few years and that if I don't chill the fuck out I will never enjoy them.  One day I'll wake up and youth and excitement will be over and that will have been that.  

It's simple, really.  We either are or we aren't.  We do or we don't.  I want to choose to be happy.  To be confident in me and not to beat myself up every step of the way.  The fact that this industry is always changing, there's no guarantees, it's different every project is it's blessing and it's curse.  I can't spend so much time wondering what's next that I don't enjoy the current.  I can't live in a constant state of future thinking.  

Anyway.  Yesterday it seemed to lift and all of a sudden I felt fabulous and beyond fortunate to have many of the things and opportunities I've dreamed of all my life.  

I think it's also because I sense something coming...something big...something exciting is suddenly in the air.  I totally feel it.  I feel so super nostalgic lately and have so many memories flashing through my mind from all sorts of different times in my life..  Just absolutely immersed in nostalgia and this afternoon I realized it means something...like everything I've ever been through is coming  together for something new and huge.  Call me crazy, but I'm putting that out into the universe!  

In other news...I went to a callback for a movie today, the character ("DEENA", I shit you not) is described as a Dita Von Teese wannabe (RIGHT?!), so there I am, running around on a thursday afternoon with red lipstick, leather tights and heels.  Can we say honks and catcalls? I'm sure everyone thought I was hookin'.  Do the sicko guys who do that shit seriously think we're gonna stop, walk over there & give them our number? I mean, really.  What is that supposed to accomplish?

Anyway.  I'm eating candy, cuddling my puppy and watching Ugly Betty now.  Peace, I'm out!

xo Deena Marie 

Haters, features, projects, birthday!

Good lord.  Seriously?! 

Hello boys and girls.  Todays topic: Internet hate.  I've talked about this in previous blogs but it's weighing heavily on my mind right now.  Recently a youtuber friend of mine was featured in 'people & blogs'.  She's been on youtube two years and this is her first feature.  She is a vlogger and fellow actor and the sweetest thing.  For some reason, her video is getting a ton of hateful comments.  Every other comment is something rude.  Beyond rude.  Disgusting.  And there's no reason for it! There is no offensive content.  

Last week I had to deal with a situation online and instead of shrugging it off, which I do daily and sometimes more than once a day, it totally and completely upset me.  Again, back to my appearance and body and how terribly "unattractive I am because I am a skinny bitch."  It sounds silly on paper but COME ON.  

One can only take so much negative commentary on ones looks and physicality and the breaking point comes! 

Who wants to wake up to hate and cruelty first thing in the morning? I understand we've chosen to put ourselves out there and this means any nutbag can say anything at any given moment.  I've always said, and truly believe, that a hater must have such a sad life to want to be so hurtful to strangers.  Normal people don't behave that way, we all know this. But is it more than that?! Wouldn't you have to have some SERIOUS issues to type comments that are either vulgar or hurtful or sexual?  I can't believe the audacity.  

While my youtube friend ( the one mentioned above) seems to be doing just fine with this situation, I'm so disgusted by it.  And by the daily bullshit I get as well.  It gets old.  And what is it a hater is hoping to do by those comments?! Really?! 

I just had to vent.  

It's sickening to me some people are either raised to believe this behavior is ok, or so unhappy with themselves that (trying) to tear happy and successful people down is the only thing that makes them feel better.  

Anyway.  My latest video, Octo Mom parody is now over 100,000 views and youtube has Spotlight/Featured this video as well as promoted it and that's brought me over 11k subscribers! Youtube has been very kind to me.  They featured my video "The Joke" front page just 2 months after starting my channel.  They featured a video of me and my puppy in Pets/Animals, and three others in the comedy section.  Two collab videos I was a part of were also front page features! I'm glad someone there has their eye on me! I feel very lucky.

In other news! I was recently sent two scripts to read, one I've officially accepted.  Rehearsals begin in may.  Three of us in the cast, two men and me.  Each of us will have a monologue, running about 35 minutes each.  I'll be starting memorization on my 15 page piece asap.

I'm now freelancing with a local papers new website, cityweekly.net, making videos exclusively for the site, so be sure and drop by from time to time!

Had a great film audition the end of last week...will keep you posted!  There's nothing like the high after a good audition.  

My birthday is coming up! March 27! 

I have to admit not being "early 20's" is freaky, BUT I'm trying to think of the celebration rather than the panic.  I'm super excited for the date, actually, because I've been asked to perform for (local paper) IN Magazines 'Scene in SLC' party at a club here.  Scene in SLC is a section in the weekly paper featuring scene makers, they featured me last spring.  Should make for a great party.  And I think I'm the only chick performing! Yeah! Haven't decided exactly what I'll be performing, but I will very soon!

That's it for now.  I've been super addicted to "The Bachelor" this season and I'm so excited for tomorrow night it's ridiculous.  How will I ever wait?! Arghhh!

Pizza time.  Byeee!

xo 

ME 

Realizations of relationships past, present & future...

1.) I've recently connected with a girl friend who was a huge part of my life and couldn't feel happier about it.  She was/is a very special, rare human being who I hated losing contact with and feel overwhelmed at the possibility I could have her back in my life in some way.  I realize now I never should have let a certain boy take any priority over her.  But I was too young and inexperienced to know better at the time.

2.) I think there are different types of love, or of being 'in love'.  Before I got married, I was engaged to someone for a very short time and even bought a wedding dress.  Now I look at the time and realize I was never, not even for one day in love with him in the slightest.  It was just a strange companionship I somehow got caught up in and was the most unhealthy time in my entire life.  I am only thankful any of it happened because I can compare it to what I have and who I am today...and know that I am truly lucky to be where I am and with who I am with.  There is no one better suited for me than my husband. I also know now how strong I am and would never let someone treat me the way I was once treated again.  I can only turn it into something positive now be able to recognize cowardice and abuse...and now real love, honesty and happiness.  I don't believe in regret.  I believe everything happens for a reason, but if I could? I'd go back and kick myself in the ass for being such an ass to waste so much time with that ass!  Karma, baby. 

3.) I thought I'd had my heart broken a zillion times all throughout my life when a boy didn't like me back or when a 'relationship' ended.  Now I realize it only happened once.  A boy in nyc after I'd just moved into his apartment.  The way he did it? By saying "I don't love you".  Never will I forget those words.  Never will I forget how I felt the next day.  I. Truly. Thought. I. Was. Going. To. Die. But I did get up.  I got off the couch.  I got my things.  I moved away.  Again, I suppose my path was to go through the worst before I could have the best.  I just hope that no person ever uses those words to end a relationship to anyone.  Ever.  "I don't love you".  And I am so glad I'll never ever worry about hearing those words again...ever in my life. 

4.) I don't understand people who can't take blame.  I have had close friends and known people who (whether they know it or not) can't hold a friendship or relationship and each time they suffer a falling out it's never them but how the other person did them wrong.  How can you not see that you're the common denominator? I'm a good friend.  A loyal friend.  A patient friend.  But I won't be walked on and taken for granted.  These people clearly need to work out issues before they can be selfless or giving people.  One day they'll wake up with a whole lotta nothin'.  And by then it just may be too little to late.  You gotta give and take and show empathy and respect to other people.  Don't come crawling back to me when you've exhausted everyone else. 

5.) Marriage completely changes you.  For the best.  For us, it completely enhanced everything that was already amazing in our relationship.  It's got nothing to do with a piece of paper but the vows.  And the words husband and wife have an inexplicable effect on you until you know what it's like.  And I'm learning everyday it only gets better as it goes.  It's true that you fall more in love each day.  Everything deepens and the sense of calm, safety, security and love I have now in my life is the most fulfilling thing in my world.

Moulin Masquerade

Last night the burlesque troupe I dance with, Voodoo Darlings Burlesque, put on the Moulin Masquerade show for Valentines Day.  It was a private function in a nice theatre with a cocktail hour prior to the show.  Tons of people came and many were in costumes and masquerade attire.  I opened the show, with a routine to C'est Si Bon (Ann Margaret version) and it was a blast! Here are a couple pics.  We had a real photographer there so I'll post those when I get them! Hope everyone had a most fabulous V day! xo

Deena 

Don't F@#K up Valentines Day!

A happy valentines day video from me to you.  Three of my favorite youtube friends and I collabed this year, so get over to my channel youtube.com/BeanerLaRue and watch "How not to F@#K up on Valentines day".  At the end of the video, you'll be able to click on the other three girls pictures to view their video.  Clever no? Something else I'd just like to point out, is another person I'm often told I look like is Katy Perry.  I've never really thought so until I watched this particular video.  Ok, maybe now I see what you mean.  A little.  Makes me giggle.  The above pics are from the vid. Anyway, working hard on the big show saturday night.   You haven't lived until you've seen some burlesque.  That's all for now!

xo

Deena Marie

It's real hard sometimes

Ever moved around? 

Spent a chunk of time, years, maybe in places other than where you grew up? 

I lived in NYC for a good length of time and sometimes I'll dream about it...and when I wake up my heart hurts.  It's like a breakup that still haunts me.  

While there are a zillion reasons I am glad I don't live there right now (like how I hate a crowded subway, how you can't be sure the subway won't stop for an hour underground and make you late, how you have to walk everywhere in the dead of winter through snow up to your shins, or in the middle of summer and after five minutes your hair is frizzy and makeup running down your face, how you really can't have a car so there's no such as thing as a leisurely drive to the grocery store...etc.) I sure do miss it at times.  

There's a part of me that feels like I was a completely different person when I lived there.  I can't quite remember what it felt like...I can't quite believe that was me.  Maybe that's part of what haunts me.  Every day that time in my life slips further away and I'm afraid to lose those memories and what it all felt like.  It truly was "the best of times and the worst of times"! I've never grown so much as I did during that time.  I was a baby then but I was fearless and adventurous and thought I knew everything there was to know in the world.  

I had my heart broken beyond belief...a boy who left me and in me leaving the city itself.  

It's SO funny where life takes you! I have not had many times in my life where I feel settled, where I feel home.  Where I am in my life at this very moment is only the second time I've ever felt it, the first being the childhood house I grew up in.  A lot of it has to do with being married and living in my own house now.  I am in love with my life.  I'm very lucky and I am amazed at how fortunate I am every day.  

Yet a restless part of me exists that will never go away.  It's me.  

It's a good thing.  

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here...or sure I know how.  I guess I feel like my precious time in nyc is like I once lived another persons life and have a zillion experiences in me tucked away in a hidden place...like I have a secret and nobody knows.  I guess I just wanted to say exactly that.  

That my heart still breaks over nyc in the greatest and hardest way...and I never want that feeling to fade.   Even when it hurts I'm aware that it's there, and that was me, and that was my life, and I couldn't be prouder of all that I achieved and went through in that strange city. ..

xoxo Deena Marie