My New York Diaries - Part 39

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Despite the stressful state of my current situation, there was one night when I went out with Jenny sans The Guy and had one of my favorite New York Night. She was now dating a new and much younger guy, Josh who lived in Long Island. He was in a band and was playing at a bar there. Neither of us had ever been to Long Island and she invited me to go and hear them play. We took a train and found this bar and went back into the city afterward with him and a friend of his. I wasn't attracted to him, but his friend liked me. We ended up at a restaurant/bar that I'd always wanted to get into, but unlike so many other places I'd been in the city, this one carded. Finally I was of age and could go. It was everything I hoped. And this guy bought me vodka tonics and dinner. He was really nice and considerate and gentlemanly. It was a very different experience from being out with The Guy. Later, he told Jenny if I ever broke up with my boyfriend that he wanted to date me. It seemed like this little glimpse of a different, nice kind of guy happened at just the right time.



June 30

"Friday night, or rather all through the wee hours of saturday The Guy and I were breaking up. Horribly. Dramatically. Maybe not. But definitely painfully. I don't know what happened! Something went horribly wrong. I t seems like it was a big mistake, and this being said by someone who doesn't believe in accidents. We started out alright. I talked him into going out, I was completely stoked to be going on a "date" with him, which we hadn't done since before we went out of town! We met at Virgin. I got all decked out. So excited. We met and he seemed a little tired. We went somewhere in the east village. Four cosmos. Vodka tonics and scotch for him. I wanted to talk. Just talk. I don't know when or how it turned bad. I remember talking a lot about exes. I was asking lots of questions...

...[he tells me regarding the Ex Girlfriend] that yes, he loved her. Yes he WANTED to marry her. Well of course he must have at the time. But for whatever reason I hear it now and flip my lid. It's The Guy effect. I've never been under anyone's spell like this. So, like I say, I've had "the three magical words on my mind" so I ask, "how many times have you been in love?" Moment of truth. "Two". I ask who. "New Name and Ex Girlfriend". Who?!

...I was really drunk and he was even worse. I don't know what else went on but I started to cry and he was saying we needed to go and I said I didn't want to talk about exes and for him to say something good about us. He wouldn't, so I clung to him, crying all the way home begging him to "tell me something, anything about us". He would say either, "what do you want me to say?" Or nothing at all...

...we're in the doorway next thing I know. I won't go in the house. He's holding onto the doorknob for dear life. He falls completely on his ass at some point and we end up inside. Ty is on the couch "not noticing what's going on" and I feel bad this is happening in front of him...

...[we were now in our bedroom] I don't know what was said but what I remember was him telling me we were not going to be together in September. I was crying and telling him all I wasted was to be with him in September...

...At some point it came out of my mouth, "all or nothing". I didn't realize I'd said it until he repeated it back. Then something was said about how this must be it...

...more, lots more was said. He said I'm miserable with him. There are too many tears. That I'm not ready to live with him...



...here it is - he really WANTED to fall in love with me. He TRIED. BUT. "I don't. I don't love you." I asked, "how do you feel towards me?" He said, "fatherly"...



...why doesn't he want someone who was so willing to stick by him? Didn't he like having someone to go to bed with and wake up with? He said the day on the couch when I was saying a decision had to be made about September that he knew THEN it wasn't going to happen...

...He says we couldn't life together because he's just not ready to get married. ?! I said, "I have never said anything to you about marriage! When did I ever say that word to you?"

...I remember saying I hope he knew what he was losing, what he was letting get up and walk out on him tomorrow. He said, "I do. You have no idea. You'll never know." I think he tried to reach for me, say something as I got up and went into the bathroom. I came back and he was gone. I put on my pajamas and found him in jeans sitting in the kitchen looking very angry. I remember him telling me to, "go to bed. I won't bother you." I don't remember what I was saying. At one point I went over to him and tried to reach out to him. I wanted to hug him. "The Guy..." I said. "What?!" I said, "it doesn't have to end so cold." Then we're in the living room and he looks so mad. He's telling me I'm scaring him. I tell him that's a horrible thing to say. And why? "You just are. Go to bed." He was getting madder and madder and kept telling me how mad he was getting and almost WARNING me to go to ged, or else. This sick part of me wanted to provoke him, to see how mad he'd get. I couldn't accept it and I thought if he'd do something physical, break something, come for me, that would make it real and would all be his fault. He could be in big trouble. But it didn't happen. Thank god. I went to bed. In the kitchen he told me he was no good for me, I needed someone to take care of me...

...I said I didn't believe him when he says he doesn't need people, affection. He said very rudely, "well you better start trying." I told him he's scared to let people get close to him. He kept asking me why I liked him. I don't know what I said. I said for so many reasons and something about how I'm used to people fawning on me and that frustrated me [that he didn't] but I also liked that challenge. I went on to say how I just liked him from the minute I saw him. Before we ever talked. I asked him later, "do you want to know when I first SAW you?" His answer, "No". I asked why and he said, "because I choose not to." Also, at the bar I remember after the exes talk he said something about how SHE "might have to be a pieces ." [as in the one he ends up with] That, I think is what set it off. Him telling me he knew his mate was out there somewhere [and wasn't me]. There was also a weird moment at the bar when he looked out the window and had this big smile on his face. He though he'd recognized "Girl from London". Of course I got suspicious and wondered what that big smile meant. Anyway, back to the story. We're in the kitchen, he said it was all him, "there's nobody else". So now I go to bed. When I wake up I hope he was so drunk he doesn't remember a thing.

[Next morning] I get up. He's still asleep. I fall asleep for awhile. I go get the phone. Call Jenny. My mom. My dad. They [parents] immediately start looking into getting my ticket home. My dad says he wants me out of there as soon as possible. I had told The Guy the night before that this meant I needed to go back to Utah. He said that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard, to go back because of him. I said all my family and friends were there. He said, "then go to Utah", in a much nicer do-what-you-need-to-do tone.

So now it's morning.

I sit on the couch. We don't' talk. He falls asleep. I send out emails to my Utahns. I go back out. Ty's alarm keeps going off. I want us to talk before Ty gets up. The first thing he says is, "what's going on?" I don't know what to say. I ask if he remembered everything that happened. YES. If it feels unexpected. YES. What would've happened if we'd never moved in together? "We would have continued the old way." And then what? "I don't know." Was it our moving in together that ruined it? "Yes. We weren't ready." I asked, "what made you know it was over?" Long pause. "I don't understand the question." That was a moment of impact. I realized right then how we, how MUCH we do NOT speak the same language. I wanted to reply, "and you never did." I shut my eyes. Two tears trickled down. Some point in the night before I was saying doesn't he think it's worth saving and he said, "you said it was all or nothing. Stick to your guns. It's nothing. I'm nothing because I can't be all." I said I felt like I ruined everything. He said I didn't, WE ruined it. I felt if I sat on that couch any longer I'd just ask why, why, why. He couldn't say anything at that point to give closure or make me feel any better. I would only end up groveling and begging to give me another chance. I had to leave with the little shred of dignity I had left. So I said, "I'll try to get all my stuff out today. Jenny is coming over and I'll stay with her tonight. I have a flight home tomorrow night" and got up and went into the bedroom. He didn't come around or talk to me all day and vice versa...

..he said, "I'm sorry. I wish I could convey how sorry I am." He said it in a snappy tone. Something we've talked about before when it comes to his acting. He has such a hard time being lovey, soft, etc. He asked how I was getting my stuff out. "Josh has a car." He asked, "Jenny's boyfriend?" Yeah. Weird moment. He was telling me to take my time, however long I needed, there was no rush. I said Jenny would be back to get my stuff. When he was about to leave for work I went out there. "You're not going to be here when I get back, are you?" No. We hugged for a long time. "I'm sorry, Deena. I'm so fucking sorry! You're not going to be in Utah for long, are you?" I don't know. "Well you shouldn't. You'll burn. You'll turn into coal." We hugged again. He kissed me on the forehead. "It's not you, it's me. You're right. I can't let anyone get close to me. I'll see you soon." He said to give it some time and keep in touch. He also said how he was "twenty five and I don't' know anything and that scares the shit out of me." That I live my life in black and white and his is grey. He doesn't know what will happen one minute to the next and I plan. He walked out, looking back one last time. Us at opposite ends of the hallway. IT'S OVER. I knew I needed to leave the sooner the better...

...I spent the day alone in the apartment...

...did The Guy once have it in him to be the sweet boyfriend? Why did I just never trust him? Had he fucked around on me?

...was he a cheater? Whey did I make it my mission to piece together clues on all the exes? To find out all I could, I guess...

...spent the next few hours on the couch talking to my mom. Head pounding. Not even able to move. I felt completely deflated. I had no life in me. I couldn't stand. I knew I'd be so unsteady. I couldn't even trust my own two feet to support me...

...I stifled me. I molded me to try to fit into his world. I'm glad I jumped in. I hope I always fucking jump in...

...I dont' have to consume myself with The Guy anymore. The questions 24/7...

...I laughed and talked all night at Jenny's and got through my first night alone without even knowing it..."




It's funny what you still remember all these years later. I can still see my pink pajamas and remember what it felt like to wear them. I can still see us standing at opposite ends of the hall and wondering what kind of last impression I was possibly supposed to leave him with. I think I tried to smile and waved. I was aware of the drama of that moment, the moment before he walked out that door and that was the end.

I remember laying on that couch all day and literally feeling...no, knowing I was going to die. I was sure of it. There was no way I'd ever survive this. I would honestly never get off the couch and I'd be found dead of a broken heart.

Jenny. My sweet Jenny once again rescued me on the breakup night. I packed what I needed to and put the rest aside. I had a shot or two of vodka and soon she was there to help me get my things. As we passed the kitchen for the last time, she saw my headshot on what we jokingly called the "headshot wall". She tore my picture down and I put it right back up, telling her I wanted them to have the reminder. And we were out. I sat in the backseat as Josh drove us to Queens. At Jenny's I vaguely remember drinking screwdrivers and talking to her roommates. They'd all be out of the apartment early in the morning and I'd have it to myself as I got ready and left New York City. This meant a goodbye to my Jenny, too. But we saw it more like a see you soon rather than an end.

I can't really describe how I felt the next morning. But I got up and took plenty of time getting ready. It was important to me to look my best despite how shitty I felt on the inside. I felt both strong and defeated. I played some of my favorite mellow music and went to the airport early. I was in no mood and I remember snapping at a guy who helped me with my bag when I didn't want him to and wouldn't leave my side until I tipped him. I couldn't get home fast enough.

And that's where this chapter of my life closes. I don't remember the flight home, being picked up from the airport, what my parents or friends said that night or in the next few days that followed. I do remember I had a heavy bag that was hitting my thigh as I made my way through the airport and while it hurt, I only had myself to rely on to carry all this luggage so I pulled through. It left a huge bruise. One of the biggest and darkest I've ever had. There are photos of me laying on my moms couch soon after coming back to Utah. The look in my eyes is one of someone who's just been through a lot, and the huge bruise is showing too. I look at those pictures and cringe. I can still [almost] feel the hurt. I just want that poor girl to have a hug and to know that everything turned out just fine...


At the end of school when we wrote our own short plays and my class heard the poem in mine, Kim said it reminded her of a poem she knew and she brought it to me a couple of days later. This poem turned out to mean a lot to me at this time and my next journal entry after the breakup is the poem, and the poem alone.


"After Awhile"

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After awhile to learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn they you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye you learn





*Next post is the LAST POST!








Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html
Part 38: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-38.html

My New York Diaries - Part 38

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to wrap this all up with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now.
Wow. So hang in there, this is it!



June 27

" 'No Man is worth crying over and the one who is won't make you cry.' I wish this one were true. Why do I know that there will always be tears...

...I want to see if it's the teal deal or nothing at all. I am positive I want to stay with him come September. But he doesn't know. He says the newness is wearing off. It's changing. This just all happened on Tuesday. He was calling brokers, questioning about apartments come September. It was freaking me out. I guess I'm a little suspicious ever since [my last roommate situation went horribly wrong] I worry everyone's plotting against me. We started talking. I asked if he thinks it'll be me him and Ty or him and Ty. He said he hadn't thought of it. That he thought we had the next two months to figure it all out. I said I had as well, but now I see we have to make a decision sooner rather than later because we'd need the time to look for a place together or go our separate ways. This started a two hour discussion that ended in my tears. But it wasn't about us fighting. We weren't arguing with each other. We were actually communicating. He was being real. I told him I didn't have to have any more time to think about it. I wanted to just jump in and try. He kept saying he didn't know. He must not have thought it through because he had planned on using the next two months as a "trying it out period". He kept saying he needed more time. How he was against it. He'd always be against it. That he liked it better the way it was before. That it was better when we were just dating. He enjoyed dating me. That I wasn't "seeing the man behind the curtain"...

...he said that the newness was wearing off. That crushed me completely. I asked him what that meant. He said our relationship was changing. That it wasn't a bad thing, it was just changing. I asked him if that meant more comfortable or more boring. He said, "don't say boring. Boring has nothing to do with us." I still don't know what he means. I worry it means losing interest. When faced with this possibility of losing him, I hadn't realized how much I love him and how much I do need to be with him. He said I always "think words are loaded when they're not"...

...he said come September it won't be trying it anymore, it will be doing it. It will be like marriage...

...I just want him to want to try for me for once. I've put in a year. Why can't he put in a year for me? Why can't he see I'm so worth the risk? He said he knows and says to himself how I put up with his shit...

...I am so worreid. So sad. So brokenhearted 24/7. I feel like I only have four weeks left because he's going to say no...

...why do I feel so sure it'll be done? Will we find each other again? He says he feels like an asshole. He makes me feel bad. He holds all the cards. Then why doesn't he do something about it?"



The next blog entry, #39 will be the FINAL DIARY entry followed by #40 as the final post in MY NEW YORK DIARIES!







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html
Part 37: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-37.html

My New York Diaries - Part 37

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to try to wrap this all up with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now.
Wow. So hang in there, this is it!


June 25

"...yesterday was terribly strange. I went through some panic, panic of feeling smothered. Trapped by this. Wondering if I really, deep down was feeling held back. From living, youth, adventures. Wondering why I'm not living in bliss. Wondering if there are phases where excitement goes but hoping it comes back. If this is settling in, getting comfortable...or not a good match.

...what is missing. Wondering, questioning, if he's the one. Not knowing if I want him to be the one. Thinking that if we got married, would that even be enough for me? Why I always want him to do more. I know I'm not done with him. I really wonder if he meant all the "best girlfriend, future, hope we don't burn out" talk. If I'm really the best, does he love me? That's the big question these days. Does he love me? And do I love him? I must. There are times when it's all I can do to keep from yelling it out...

...another big issue with me lately. I've been a complete psycho. Completely...

...suspicious of everything and everyone...

...I know he was someone else with her [The Ex Girlfriend] than he is with me...

...I just can't believe someone could sucker The Guy into thinking they'd be married and live happily ever after. Time passes quicker than you think...

...although I do feel like an old soul, the rest of me thinks I'm [forever] 19. What I wouldn't give to be 19. 18. 17. I wonder, in relationships, if I expect too much. If the prince on the stallion really does exist. If you really can live happily ever after. I have to believe it. I do believe it. Do you have to try that hard? Girls stay because they think nothing better is out there...

...what if I risk and I lose? What if I never find anything to compare to this? I'll admit there are times when I wonder if The Guy didn't look the way he did, if the sex wasn't what it is, would I still be here? And I don't know that I can reach deep enough to find the answers. I think I'm scared. If it's a whole lot of attraction, maybe that's all you really do need. I don't know. I know that there are times when I look at him and I have to look away, I am still so in awe of his beauty and it makes me flustered...

...I wonder what will happen come August. I'm thinking a decision will have to be made at the beginning of August. I know that if he's the one to say it's not a good idea, then I wonder if I could stay with him [The Guy, Ty and myself were in talks about moving elsewhere for September and would it be three? Or two? And by two would it be me and The Guy on our own?]. "It's been too many nights of being with, to suddenly be without" [a line from a poem by Jewel]. I don't want to backtrack. I wonder if it would really be all or nothing with me. And that makes me wonder if I've thrown myself in it for the long haul. Or sometimes...I feel like it's a contest I'm trying to win. To see if I can keep making the "cuts". These next steps...

...why be with someone if all I'm ever going to do is wonder how and when something will go wrong and end...

...nothing is known. Without trust you've got nothing. He's right when he says I take things too personally...

...I want The Guy to be my best friend. I want him to know me more intimately than Jenny. But what if he can't give it? What if this is just it?"




Did he love me? All or nothing. Both were stuck in my head and heart on repeat. But I was about to find out if it would be all or nothing, and if The Guy, my guy did in fact love me. And it would happen sooner than I ever could have imagined.







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html
Part 36: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-36.html

My New York Diaries - Part 36

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


WE'RE ALMOST DONE! I'm going to try to wrap this all up in the next four posts, with #40 being a sort of epilogue / where are they now. Wow. So hang in there, this is it!



I don't remember much else of what happened during that trip back to UT, or hanging out with the Old Flame and I didn't write about it. I don't know if I talked to The Guy again or waited until I was home. The next entry is when I'm already back in NYC.


June 17

"I just finished reading "Prelude to a Kiss" and it was so beautiful. So, so beautiful. It was exactly what I needed right now. I am that character. She is so scared. Scared of life. Wanting to see what it's like to skip the hard part. Just to go right to the end. Last night I was in one of my moods with The Guy. One of my moods that I can say time and time again I can't let become a pattern. We were talking about how we don't know how to do this. He feels like he doesn't know if he's supposed to entertain me or leave me on my own, or what, what to do until I "find my place on the couch". I'm always nervous, jumpy, timid lately. I don't know why. It keeps me held back from my confidence. My passion. My motivation. But after last night, after picking arguments and crying and feeling so skeptical and wary of absolutely everything, I realized I can't live my life that way. Doubting everything and not trusting everyone because it's ruining me. Do something every day that scares you. I'm limiting myself...

...I've got a world of opportunities in front of me right now and it's all about the decisions I make and making them positive and sticking to tit and trying it out instead of thinking it's one more thing that will get fucking up and wanting to run away from it and "start over". In a new place with new people. Why is that the answer? Why don't I give a change to what I have in front of me right now? Am I so scared to be hurt? The Guy says he's worked on not needing people from an early age. What good is that doing to keep shutting people out? I keep shutting out people and experiences because I'm so afraid to be hurt I'm not experiencing a thing. I'm trying to keep a safe world around me and thriving on any little happiness I may happen to get and needn't that reassured over and over because it's all I have...

...It will be a very lonely, bare world for me if I keep thinking of what ISN'T happening. Of what MIGHT happen. And exist in NOW. Because I'll wake up and it will be gone and it could have been good."




June 18

"So just when I'm thinking all's well, something happens. Something get's all fucked up. On the very day. It's 1 a.m. all I want is for The Guy to be home and share with him my newfound happiness. Tell him of my day. Tell him things. I finally find his long lost keys and call him at once to tell him. He's been off work, he's just "fucking around behind the bar waiting for Ty and his New Girl to get there for a cocktail." He'll see me soon, "bye". I call back. Was he going to invite me? He tells me again to get the car service number off the board and come down. Well, if you just wanted to hang with Ty and his New Girl...he says he's just waiting until they get there and all he really wants to do is come home. Okay then, I'll stay here. Time is passing...it's now 3 a.m. Call twice. No answer. Then they all walk in. He comes into the bedroom where I'm reading my script, "you called so I decided to come over!" God. For all he knows here I am waiting up for him to know if I need to let him in. Then he says how a bartender quit and it's because of him and now he's gonna help out behind the bar blah blah blah. Then [he says] they [him, Ty and his New Girl] were all in a cab on the way home when Ty's new girl got a call from a friend and they stopped off at another bar for a drink and how this guy comes in and he's like, "Oh! So you're New Girl's boyfriend!" And when he saw he was wrong, he was like, "well you should be, you should go for New Girl" blah blah. Jesus God. It just gets better and better with him...

...then this morning he seemed like he was in a pissy mood and was being a little bitch about changing the message on the answering machine [to include my name along with his and Ty's now]. Then he did it. Got in the shower. And I left without saying goodbye. I'm probably going to go to bed before he gets home. It is so hard. I don't know how to do this. Is it so hard because it's new and we're feeling each other out? But is he so set in his ways and will never understand compromise or consideration? Can I DO this? Am I ready for this? Could I EVER get married? Why don't things feel like they did in the days before we went out of town? The romance. The ease. The tenderness."




Little did I know that in just eleven days my entire world was about to change. And I mean really change. What was about to happen would change me. For life.







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html
Part 35: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-35.html

My New York Diaries - Part 35

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


And off I went back home to Utah for a couple of weeks. Before I left my new NYC home, I cleaned up our room and left a little present and note on our bed for The Guy.



May

"Today was the best day! Today was the day when I felt like my vacation was beginning. It was like I'd never left. I didn't want to think about leaving. I wanted to be stuck in this moment. To continue what I'd left behind. As far as friendships go. Relationships. The older I get I see who the core friends are. It's surprising. It's home. It's family...

...I feel so old there now. No that I've gone to New York and surpassed this life in leaps and bounds. I feel so out of place and wonder if everyone sees a maturity or sees me as an adult, or not like them, or how I'm seen...

I wonder where that not a care in the world feeling went. I felt lighter then. It's hard to explain. But it's fun to get caught up in this game of pretend...to hide my secret of how wise I am beyond my years...

...[went roller skating and then to Jack's] we talked of the Old Flame and to the Old Flame. I'm picking him up from the airport. I'm not dreading talking to him about "us", about The Guy as much now. I think it'll go okay. I have to have him in my life. I have to keep him close. I'm looking forward to the rest of this vacation now...

...I can't imagine what The Guy's world is [back home in Louisiana]. He goes back [to NYC] tomorrow. I'm scared out of my mind to see what happens now. I keep dreaming he'll have a change of heart, or panic or...I don't know. I'm having fun playing pretend here. But New York...New York is my heart and The Guy is my heart. My heart is They Guy's and New York has my soul."



May

"The Guy is home today...I'm getting nervous because he hasn't called...

...time lapses scare me. They're never a good thing. At least not for me. I can't wait to see him..."



June 4

"...I pick up the Old Flame from the airport tomorrow..

...who knows what's going on with The Guy. It's been four days. I'm so panicked! What's going on? What?! It could be so many things. He could have cheated and feels guilty. He could have heard some bad advice and swayed his opinions. He could have a had a new perspective on things and realized he isn't ready for a relationship and we moved in way too fast and it's not going to work. He could be in a panic over his "New York life", or the destruction of. He could want to move home, or to Los Angeles in September and is avoiding telling me. He could've run into Lynne and she could have talked smack. The Ex Ex Girlfriend could have come back, slept in our bed, and messed up the gift and note. Ty could have been with Lynne and heard smack and passed it on. I don't know what to do or think...



June 5

"Guess who finally fucking remembered how to dial the phone? Yup. Instead of leaving me happy as hell, it left me in tears. Something about being home and almost getting his ass kicked. Something about a friends ex wife being a looker so guys start and I don't know what anything had to do with anything. I don't know what he was talking about, what importance it was I knew how hot this chick was and how that relates to him almost getting his ass kicked? He sounded happy. Me: Do you miss me? Him: What? Me: Do you miss me? Him: "Of course - insert what seemed like a sixty second pause - not! Me: I don't miss you either! At all! Him: Good! And the fun ensues. The Ex Ex Girlfriend is back. Oh, and where is she sleeping? Yup. You know, I never, in a million years would've guessed that if she came back, which I knew I hadn't heard the end of her, The Guy would let her stay in his goddamn bed! The bed we both sleep in! OUR fucking from? Is he retarded? Does it get any more disrespectful than that?! I'm not being irrational. I'm sticking by this and this is most definitely getting talked about when I get home! Some ex girl in my bedroom, my bed?! Who does she think she is? "Who's stuff is this?" And, "where were you all night, I was so worried about you!" [said Ex Ex Girlfriend to The Guy] What does that mean? Why would she dare ask questions like that unless The Guy has purposely hidden the fact I am his girlfriend? Or does he do it thinking it's just plain none of her business? I told him to make her sleep on the futon. When I asked what goes on in that bed, all he said was, "uh, she sleeps." I called back and asked about [my] rent and he kept ending the conversation. I called again. "One more thing. Is Ex Ex Girlfriend going to be there when I get back?" He said something about her being really stupid to try and she'd find some guy to take care of her. I said, "promise she'll sleep on the futon?" God dammit! I'm so hurt! I'm so mad and so helpless and I hate going back to a big fucking nothing when all of my friends are here. Fuck!"







Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 34: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-new-york-diaries-part-34.html

My New York Diaries - Part 34

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Right before the end of school I missed another class. By accident (again), you could say.

I remember witnessing several breakdowns over the course of our school experience. We'd all seen our fellow classmates cry at this point. We're in acting school for god's sake. We were nerves exposed daily. I saw Kim go through a breakup with a long time boyfriend. It was scary to me. It seemed like just the other day she was saying they'd decorated their Christmas tree. It had seemed so romantic and grown up and I wondered if I'd ever know what it was like to decorate a tree with the one I loved. It was even scarier the day Bobby came in announcing his split from his long time boyfriend. What?! How? Why? I'd seen their amazing rent controlled apartment. Who would be moving out? Who would be staying? How would life go on?

I also witnessed girls getting into fights and crying and teachers having to get involved.

I also saw students cry when butting heads in class with teachers.

I guess you could say that one day, things added up for me and I found myself in tears outside of a class. I can't remember what it was that set it off, I'm sure a combination of stress with moving, with The Guy, with Lynne, with school ending. It was all just a lot at once.

I'll never forget this particular teacher rushing past me as to "not see me" and I kind of wished she would stop and make sure I was okay. I probably could have used a little wisdom and guidance from one of them in that moment. But Oscar stayed with me. Even though it meant he'd be locked out. He said it was okay and he talked and comforted me the entire time.

Then before I knew it, school was done. I was graduated. It was over, just like that.

I did it. I fucking did it. I'd moved to New York. I'd gotten into my dream school. I'd played my dream role in our final show. Holy shit.

But now what?

It was time to move in with The Guy. Once again, Jenny was there for me to drive the van we'd rented and help me pack. Oscar came too. We got out of my manhattan apartment in record time. I didn't have much to pack up anyway. I took one last look at my completely empty room, knowing I'd be leaving the convince of this location but excited to get to Brooklyn where The Guy was. Jenny and Oscar were truly incredible friends.

They don't make 'em like that anymore.



May 30

"...I had to be rested to move in the next day. Well, I ended up with two hours of sleep...

...The Guy went to meet his parents for brunch, so I did it all [the moving] and had everything organized when he got home. My side of the closet. He got home and seemed very happy and excited to see my things there. We looked through some of my things, it was fun. It was all so brand new, it was like a sleepover. But one to last a loooooong time! I had to stay up until my plane to Utah that was leaving at six a.m. I don't know how I did it, but I did it. Two hours of sleep in two days...

...we stay up with beer an ice cream in front of the tv. It's finally time to call a car. We almost fall asleep hugging each other standing up. He tells me to call when I get there. I check in. Flight looks good. They start calling the standby list. [I had used a buddy pass from Julie's mom several times in the past, and had never had a problem] Don't get on. Get on the flight at for seven a.m. to Huston. Very pissed but willing to do it. Then...Oh, you'll be waiting in Huston until nearly nine pm. No...wait...that one's booked. You'll never make it. I'll put you on for tomorrow morning. What could I do but call my dad, crying, call The Guy, crying, and come back. I was barely able to pay for the ride home. A wasted fifty dollars. No sleep for nothing. I felt sick. I felt sad. I went inside and couldn't even say a word. The Guy just hugged me, steered me to the bedroom and held me. Kissed my forehead, said, "I'm sorry", and we fell asleep. It was all I asked. It was safe. It was right. He's my savior. We woke up and he asked if I wanted to go into the city to get his nikes. I got ready while he made me my own set of keys. I loved it. Can I tell you how much I loved waking up with him, this time in our room. Taking my shower there now. Riding the subway. Looking over his shoulder ads he reads "Time" magazine. Quiet. Peaceful. Comfortable. Shopping together uptown. Having lunch, pizza together. Kissing goodbye on the street corner as we parted ways. Him calling me to tell me he saw a guy on the subway wearing the shoes he'd wanted. I went home and went to sleep. While I slept he'd called, wanting me to go to his restaurant. I called at like 11:30pm and he said he only had one more table, so I stayed home and started watching a movie with Ty and his new girl. It was getting later and later. I was getting nervous. I called him after two hours had gone by and he said he was having a beer and had had that late table but he'd be there in a half hour. I was having all sorts of visions of him cheating on me. I couldn't believe he wasn't home when he knew he had to pack [he was also taking a trip back home to Louisiana] and wouldn't see me for over three weeks. Here I'd just moved in and he wasn't there. I didn't want to nag, or get upset. I just wanted to be with him. And really be with him on our last day. I'd even thought to just give up and go to bed but I couldn't let it end that way. Finally, another hour or so later I heard his keys. The keys I kept thinking I was hearing every ten minutes. Sean was now there. Ty and his girl still snuggling. Me half asleep on the corner of the couch. He came in looking so happy. All smiles. Threw his hands in the air saying, "one big happy family!" I smiled weakly. But he reached out to scoot me over and hopped over to lay with me. I didn't say anything, just hugged him tightly. When he got up I went into our bedroom. He came in, we lied down and talked...

...he asked if it felt sudden. Yes. Good. You? Very. He said it was the first time he's been gone and thinking how he has someone to come home to. How it was scary. But he liked it. How all through the night things would go through his mind like how my stuff was in his room. "But she smells good". That tv is too small. All her musical theatre stuff. Just deal with it. "But she smells good."

He said, "Heather should be your best friend." Why? "All this is her doing". I still don't know the details. Whatever she said must have really gotten to him. He went on to talk about how it had been over a year and not only was I his girlfriend but I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had! There was a million things I wanted to say to him at that moment. But instead I said, "wanna see my new shoes?" He said, "thank you for breaking the uncomfortable silence" and I said, "Oh no! Thank your for getting drunk and telling me this!"

...I could tell he was looking at me a lot. I wanted to look at him...but I was scared. Too nervous I'd tell him how much I loved him...

...he said something else about our future...something about how scary it is and how exciting and how he hopes he doesn't freak out and I don't lose interest in him and he wonders how this will play out and he hopes we don't burn out. Then that really got me thinking. About what that means. The concept of burning out. How do you not burn out? I think it's always so much simpler than everyone makes it. If you're meant to be, then you're meant to be. All I know is from the minute I saw him I knew he was it. I knew we were destined to be together. Even when I didn't know how or when we'd ever meet, or that he had a girlfriend, it didn't matter. Maybe you could say it was love at first sight."






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html
Part 33: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html

My New York Diaries - Part 33

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


As much as I hate to say it...Lynne and I had slacked off...a little. I didn't think late nights with The Guy and Ty had affected us, but maybe? One day the two of us were in the green room waiting for our next class to start. It was getting close so as we checked the board with the schedule one last time, we saw that class that day wasn't in that building but at the theatre. Now, this was sometimes the case but we had made an honest mistake in not seeing this. We booked it out of there and ran the couple blocks up and avenues over as fast as we could. It felt like we were running in molasses, like it does in a dream. We weren't going to get there fast enough. We rushed in and ran up the stairs only to have this teacher tell us he was sorry, and in a rather unapologetic tone, and shut the door in our faces. Shit. Remember what I said about not wanting to miss class? It was very frowned upon. And I think Lynne and I were starting to get on our classmates nerves with being in our own little world. I'll never forget the two of us laying on the stairs, panting, knowing that what had just happened was not good. Like I often do, I tried to make light of it and laugh once the initial shock had passed, but she wasn't having it. I didn't know why her reaction was quite that strong. We weren't in danger of getting kicked out. But I think this was the beginning of our "falling out".

When we were no longer in the same classes the final semester, I was bummed. Things began to get awkward between us. She seemed to be befriending those we had complained about before. I was realizing we'd slowly been isolating ourselves, but she was the one I still wanted to hang out with most. I had no interest in bonding with classmates I hadn't gotten close to by this point. I wasn't going to suddenly have a new bestie, so instead I had spring fever.

I had found some of her behavior questionable but never would have stopped being her friend. Like when she chose not to be involved with "Balm in Gilead". She said her bartending job plus school load made it too hard. I was surprised, I mean, why were here then? But I figured she needed to do what she needed to do.

Ty also broke things off with her around this time when he met someone new that he was pretty crazy about.

I remember her telling me that she'd had a conversation with this older red head that was also a student. She was someone the two of us previously said we couldn't stand. She was more of a teachers pet than I'd ever seen anyone be, including elementary school. I got the vibe she thought our behavior was inappropriate, but I found hers to be, too. She was married, but could always be found sitting on the lap of another student who was also married. They were constantly flirting and pretty inseparable and I was always super uncomfortable about it. It was the first time I'd really observed something like that.

Anyway, Lynne told me one day that they'd talked and she'd explained to the red head that the two of us were younger and had bonded and really needed each other and related to each other. The red head explained that since she was much older, she couldn't behave any other way than taking school as seriously as possible. I guess they came to some kind of understanding and I felt both the need to also explain myself to the red head, too (which I never truly would have) and also a bit of betrayal from Lynne.

As we slowly drifted apart, Lynne seemed to get stockholm syndrome from being in class with the red head and really started trying to shape up, or kiss butt, or...I'm not sure what. But it seemed like her final semester was going to include me less and less.

The day she stormed in, I think I asked if she was okay. She responded with "I'm pissed". I asked, "at who?" Truly surprised. She just glared at me. "At me?!" I asked. "Yes!" She said. I can't remember what was said but I was mostly speechless as she told me that she was upset that I had missed another class and was basically upset I wasn't behaving like her. This was the first time I'd ever been on this end of a confrontation and I didn't know how to respond. I do remember that Steve (who was also no longer speaking to me since he thought I'd ratted out his forbidden relationship) was sitting nearby and went into the green room to announce to everyone that Lynne was yelling and we were fighting.

I didn't know what to do. I felt isolated, my feelings were hurt and the thought of school ending was now even more bittersweet. I don't remember if that was our last conversation, but we didn't have many more days left. So we spent them avoiding each other.

How had this happened?

Looking back on it I think it was her version of "tough love" but it was an uncharacteristic way for her to go about it.

All I knew was that the days of myself, The Guy, Lynne and Ty were done. In fact, the days of Lynne were done.


May 30

"...The Guy was now working at a new restaurant. A mexican restaurant in Brooklyn. One night I went to meet him and we got into a little argument over his upcoming Industry Night. Apparently he'd been talking to Lynne about doing a scene together! I was getting upset, I didn't want to, I did not like where it was going. He thought I was mad because I wasn't doing a scene with him. Which had never even crossed my mind. Anyway, that's when he said it. All on his own...he called me his girlfriend! At first I didn't even realize it. He was saying, "I can't do scenes with girlfriends". I was like, "I don't care, I'm doing a scene with Oscar already" blah blah blah. Anyway he had to point it out to me that he was saying the G word. Then when I got it he hurried away to get more drinks. He came back and we went over it again and it seems to stem from talking with Heather. He said he can't bullshit her. She knows how to get things out of him. He figured out how long we've been together - and about time - just what he has! He got jealous hearing about The Star, and seeing a work friend hit on me...

...he said we should try out living together now, when I get back from UT! I said okay and that was it! I'd been wanting to but was going to turn it down if he said it was just for saving money or convenience. I thought we'd really have to sit and hash it all out. But all of a sudden it was just going to happen, and most importantly I wanted to do it because it felt right...

...so fast forward to [a few nights later] searching for the Ex Ex Girlfriend [Who I guess was in town again?] to get MY KEYS, couldn't find her, whatever, went and drank and had a fabulous time. Lots of talking. Getting to know more and more about each other. Getting closer and closer. Loving how he's referring to me as his girlfriend. The next night I went to his play, everyone knew I was the girlfriend at last, I'm introduced, well...yet to hear him introduce me that way, but loving he'd already told people. At the bar he said he's been counting us as 1 & 1/2 years! And at his restaurant when he'd introduced me as a friend, he said it had made him cringe. How I give him his space, all those things added up to his realization...

...being at his show as his girlfriend was awesome. Sitting with his director, talking about him, [and about another student you might have heard of, named Kristin Bell, just before she hit it big!] him kissing me in front of everyone. Watching the next few plays side by side closerthanthis. Acting like - my boyfriend?!"





So for a moment, despite my loss of Lynne and my uncertainty of life after graduation...all was right in the world. The Guy had not only called me his girlfriend but had asked me to move in! The Guy. Maybe I really was about to get everything I'd wanted and waited for for so long!






Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html
Part 32: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-new-york-diaries-part-32.html

My New York Diaries - Part 32

I'm in the process of writing my story of when I was living in NYC studying acting. There's a lot to my story and for many years it's been so private and special it was hard to even talk about. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times :) If you're just tuning in, I suggest you start at Part I for it to make sense. All links in order at the bottom of this blog entry. I promise it's a juicy read. These entries often include actual journal entries from that time in my life. I'm so grateful I documented so much! Once I finish here, I hope to expand into a book. I'm posting these frequently but they'll also be interspersed with real time blogs :) Thanks for reading & supporting!

*All names are changed

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


My mom, Adrianna and her husband flew to NYC to see me in "Balm in Gilead". My dad was too sick at the time to come. And believe me, if my dad couldn't come to something that I was part of then he was sick. Those were the years when he was really in the throes of his illness. Adrianna and her husband were staying in a hotel, my mom with me.

The Star came to one of my performances and sat with my mom and Jenny. Sean, The Guy's little brother happened to be there, too. In the hall at the end of the show The Star rushed up to me and planted one on me. Not a big kiss, but a kiss nonetheless and everyone saw. Including Sean. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

Later I found out that Sean had told The Guy and it made The Guy jealous! I was never more grateful for having met The Star.

The Guy came to see my show and afterwards we went out for drinks with Jenny.




May 30

"...I got up to go to the bathroom at some point. I came back and The Guy got up and Jenny start telling me how she had said, "you have a great girl there", and he said he knew, I was great, I was amazing and how the one thing he wished he could give me was confidence. Confidence in "us". That when he talks to another girl friend or hangs out with another girl it doesn't mean anything. I'm Deena. Well that did it. That's all I needed to hear. And that's when everything changed. The rest of the night was awesome..."

"...I did school and shows and hung out with my mom. How crazy the next time we're in NY it's me living there, shes' staying in my apartment instead of a hotel, seeing my play in which I am the lead, my graduation!"

"...The Guy called one night but I couldn't go out, so we planned tuesday. My mom would be leaving in the morning and it was his day off. "



My mom met Sean, the three of us went out to my favorite mexican restaurant one afternoon. But she never did meet The Guy. Adrianna and her husband met him, though. After the two of them saw my show we went out for drinks. Sean came too. I remember having a great time but later her husband told my mom he didn't see the two of us working out. I wonder what we came across like, so many years ago. I wonder what he observed. Something? Maybe nothing. Who knows. I don't remember the conversations of that night but I still have the pictures.

I remember putting my mom in a cab then heading downtown to meet The Guy for a movie.



"...things were still different. Good different for once in my life. Walking and talking, his hand on the small of my back. Saying, "I finally confessed to Heather." (*Heather had been a teacher of both of ours. She was smart and tough and great. He kept in touch with her since he'd graduated and would meet her for lunch occasionally.) Telling me how he told her how long we'd been dating and then freaking out about it. Then at the movie he kept a hand on my leg. We went out for wine with Sean then back home I was complaining about how I was about to be homeless and he said, "yeah, we gotta talk about that.". I got a funny feeling when he said that, but said nothing. The next morning we were laying on the couch wrapped in sheets when he said, "let's have a relationship talk". Let's not! "I was thinking, since we both need a place to live, for the sake of saving money, we could conceivably move in together." Ten million thoughts just went through my mind in a split second. Did he really just say that? He went on to say how he doesn't know if it would work, he's been talking it over with Ty for awhile, Ty didn't think it was such a good idea since he's about, "seen us kill each other a couple of times" and how he didn't even think it was a good idea. He pulled out a notebook and started going over mathematical figures of what it would cost to move into and live in a two bedroom apartment. How it was small and we'd all need to have our lives outside of it for it to work. This was all coming at me so fast. I couldn't process it. He wanted us to debate, to take turns arguing sides. He kept asking me what I thought. I couldn't say. I needed to let this in! He said to talk to Lynne and Jenny to get clarity, opinions, etc. He said Lynne would be against, Jenny for (of course). He said I needed to talk to them because, "there are too may smiles right now". I said, "I'm just surprised". He said, "well it's a surprising question." I said, "can I think about it and we'll talk about it over the next little while?" He said, "like over the next few months?" Yes. Okay. He used a term that caught my attention. He said, "we could potentially break up." Break up? He was also talking in long term, like if it didn't work out we'd just be signed for that first year. Year? He did say some typical things that I could have done without. Like, "and if you decide to date other people you just can't have sex at our place". God. Then we got into a huge discussion about the Ex Ex Girlfriend. She had been in town! She slept in the same fucking bed as him! She'd try to cuddle up to him! He said he didn't tell me because he thought I'd freak out. He didn't bring her to my play because she wasn't worthy. She got upset when he didn't come home that night and why do I think we slept at my place that night? He kept saying how disgusting she was, how she had no soul. Anyway, I'm getting sick just writing about her..."



We had one last showcase on the main stage to do before graduation. This was something our class put together ourselves. We each had to write a script. If I remember correctly it was about ten pages. They'd chose a few that we'd actually perform and we'd be cast and could even direct if we wanted. I wrote about a guy and a girl in a relationship where the guy wouldn't commit. As she leaves him, she gives (or maybe recites, I can't remember now) this poem she'd written:

THE HEART
I've spent a lifetime preparing for you.
Clearing my heart out for you.
Making your space ready.
But you aren't available to fill it.
But someone else will take it. One day.
The heart can wait.
It can listen.
It can hold out.
It can accept and it can reject.
But it makes it's own decisions
and on it's own time.
But it will be filled.
The heart does not remain vacant forever.
A love will find it that will be the perfect size.
An exact fit.
Made to measure.
And it will feed it.
And it will grow.
And it will be satisfied.



My "play" was more of a diary / fantasy of what I wasn't able to do in my real life. I knew it wasn't going to be chosen as a performance piece but I wrote what I knew. What I was living and I felt very brave to bare my soul to my classmates, as each play was read out loud.

School was almost over. What now? Was I really going to live with The Guy? When would I perform again? What kind of job would I get now? Could I do it? Survive in this city, in this life, with these people?

Little did I know a chain of events were about to happen that would leave me feeling like I'd just stood in front of a firing squad. The first was losing Lynne. She was a once in a lifetime friend and it never crossed my mind we wouldn't always be friends. But there had been some weirdness lately, and on one of the last days of school she came in like I'd never seen before. Fuming. When she loudly announced in front of everyone, "I am pissed", it took me a minute to realize she was saying she was pissed at me.





Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 8: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-8.html
Time to Press Pause: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-press-pause.html
Part 9: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-9.html
Part 10: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-10.html
Part 11: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-11.html
Part 12: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-par-12.html
Part 13 (with an extra shot) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-13-with-extra.html
Part 14: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-new-york-diaries-part-14.html
Part 15: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-15.html
Part 16: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
Part 17: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_10.html
Part 18 (September 11th) http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-18-september.html
Part 19: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-19.html
Part 20: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-20.html
Part 21: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-21.html
Part 22: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of_20.html
Part 23: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-23.html
Part 24: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-24.html
Part 25: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-25.html
Part 26: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-26.html
Part 27: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-27.html
Part 28: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-28.html
Part 29: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-29.html
Part 30: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-new-york-diaries-part-30.html
Part 31: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-new-york-diaries-part-31.html

"Good Things Utah" appearance

On thursday I went on a local morning TV show, "Good Things Utah" I may be back on...you just never know! ;)

Here's the interview:

http://www.abc4.com/content/about_4/gtu/featured_on/story/Deena-Marie/CxeFmqihYkC7kvnS9eEXIA.cspx

Lana Del Rey

The other day I saw that my friend Billy had posted a video on facebook. I rarely watch videos people post, so I don't know why I clicked on it (if I do click on one, I almost never make it past the first 10 seconds).

When I started "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey I was instantly in love. Her voice, the words, her look, the video. Oh my god. My new favorite. I've listened to it now more times than I can count, as well as all of her other songs that are online.

Her debut album comes out later this month.

Her music is so heartbreaking to me. So visceral. I can't get enough, it hurts so good.


"Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why"

I'm baaaaack! Poetry writing me.

I used to write poetry like crazy. I have a large collection I'm very proud of and I WILL have them published somehow, someday. Over the years as life settled into routine and work and normalcy my poetry well dried up and went away. I missed it, but I couldn't force it. I thought it was something I would never need or be able to do again, even though I longed for it. But the last year and few months especially makes me think something is stirring in me once again. I have come into contact with new muses and new experiences and as I'm processing, I feel words bubbling.

I feel myself begin to need this once again. I think this is the year for some new...stuff.

I can only hope it will be as good as it once was.

My poetry collection:
http://deenamariepoetry.blogspot.com/

Love letters, submitted anonymously that really inspired me when I discovered this site last night.
http://collectiveexperience.org/love/sugar/letter.html

Tweet me: @DeenaMarie