My New York Diaries - Part 3

If you've just tuned in, I'm blogging about the time in my life when I lived in NYC. I went to pursue my dream of studying acting. I suggest you start at part I to be properly caught up & for it to all make sense. These entries are combinations of my own personal diaries I kept at that time, and me simply writing my story when I need to fill in the blanks when I wasn't journaling consistently.

*All names are changed.

* * * * * * * * * *

No actual diary entry today. Gotta do a little catch up before I can get back to that.
It's about to get juicy!


The living situation. So my 3 weeks in NJ were up and I was moving into a new apartment. Here is a perfect example the sense of invincibility we have when we're young. Moving across the country with no place to live, just the faith that it would all work out. I don't even know if you could call it faith. I didn't need faith, I just knew. It is far easier to make these kinds of impulsive and terrifying decisions when you're young because you don't second guess, you just do. As we grow older we become more cautious. We are sensitive to what could go wrong because now we've experienced more life. And that means we've felt hurt. Heartache. Sadness. So we are are more careful. We debate and weight the risks hoping to avoid these things. But I hope to never let fear get in my way and to always remember the part of me that is truly brave and believes, no, knows things will work out.

School had stared and it was a lot. Now when I say I'm going to acting class, I don't mean a class. I mean classes. Like a full time job. This was a time when my parents were still supporting me. They paid my tuition. They paid my rent and they gave me money to live on. By no means were we a wealthy family. This was very hard for them. But they were so incredibly supportive. As an adult, I am far more appreciative of what they did and still can't even imagine what that took and how they felt and how hard that was. And what kind of love a parent must have for a child to want to give them their all so that they can succeed. And little did I know, unforeseen circumstances were about to happen that had I waited to go to NYC even a couple of years later, would have meant absolutely no help from my parents...and most likely...no NYC at all. It was the right place and the right time. That's all I can think.

There were students who did have jobs while going to school and that blew my mind. I didn't know how it was humanly possible to take on the load of school, rehearse and memorize when not in school, get sleep, have any kind of social life, and work.

I'm still impressed by anyone who can make it work. Living and working and affording to live in that city.

Of course some students already lived in NYC. But there were many, like me, who'd just moved. And we came from all over the world, spanning quite a variety of personalities and ages.

But back to the apartment search. You might be wondering why I wasn't living in a dorm. There were two ways to train with the Atlantic Theater Co. Acting School (founded by David Mamet and William H. Macy). It's an NYU studio and you could go through NYU to get your BFA or you could do two years in the conservatory training and get your certificate of completion. That is, if you were invited back for the second year. And if you weren't kicked out for tardies or absences (more on that later). I was doing the conservatory training. At this point all I wanted was to eat, sleep and breath acting class. Not math, not english, not science. For conservatory folk, dorms were not an option.

We'd started school and I was told there would be another girl coming a day or two late, moving from California and would be in the same situation as me. Meaning, in need of a place to live. It was a possibility we'd join forces and become roommates. I had my hopes pinned on her.

When she got there, we became instant friends. She was 6 or 7 years older and had bright red hair. Her name was *Martha.

We did move in together and it happened very quickly. We were in Chelsea one day, where the Atlantic studio was, and popping into various coffee shops and restaurants to check out any bulletin boards for "roommates wanted". That's how we found our place. Long story short, we ended up moving to The Bronx. 225th and Broadway, approximately. The first place I ever really lived in NYC.

Somehow we'd found a place where we could each have our own affordable room and in the same place! In our railroad apartment, there was another woman, who we really never saw, and our landlord *Juan.

I was no longer homeless and I was living with a friend! A friend who was in school with me, on the same schedule and could ride the subway with me in the morning. It was ideal. How lucky!

Too bad it didn't stay ideal for long.


Before we go any further, now is also a good time to tell you about the first day of school. I feel like it was yesterday, I can see it all so clearly. I remember what I was wearing. Pinstripe wide leg dress pants. Black doc martens. A black fitted v-neck t-shirt. A magenta sweater that my mom bought me right before I left. I loved it. It was brand new, the first time I'd worn it. I loved having something with me on my first day that my mom had given me. I remember arriving early and where I was sitting, waiting in the break room of sorts everyone referred to as The Lounge. Four things happened that day that still play somewhat regularly in my minds eye.

Again, all because of the right place and the right time along with being at the age when everything is life altering. The time of greatest impact.

1.) In The Lounge, before school had even started I remember a red door (most if not all were red) to my right open and students pouring in from a class that had just ended. I only saw one person. There was a boy with dark hair and Peter Parker glasses in a plain white t-shirt. I don't remember if he saw me watching him or not. But that was it. It was all over. That was The Guy. I don't know why or how or what it was about him, but I knew right then he was going to play a significant part of my NYC life.
And he did. Big time.
Stay tuned!

2.) In one of my first classes one of my teachers (who would go on to have a great impact on me, still to this day) *Tucker asked us all our ages. There were various ages from early 20's into mid 30's. When I said my (teenage) age every head in the room turned to look at me. He said, "serious?" I wasn't sure how to take that, but answered "yes". This would be my first experience with people lying about their ages. It would never have occurred to me to lie. Why would I do that? Later I found out many were insulted that day by being asked their age and lied by 3 or so years. That blew my mind. It took me years to get over that once I knew. It taught me, for better or for worse, to also be offended when asked my age. And to give various answers depending on the person and the situation.

3.) This same teacher, Tucker also told us to, "look around. You never know who you're sitting by". He went on to basically say you never know who each of us is going to become. I think of this often. I am in awe that some people who went on to do incredible things and others didn't even pursue acting afterward. I'm also amazed at who I grew up to be. In the way that I never would have guessed that the woman writing this blog at this very moment married who she married to, lives where she lives, works regularly in professional theater in killer roles, and has a whole crazy online life thanks to YouTube and the internet :)

4.) I lost my sweater. I had a hard time finding my way back to where I was staying in NJ that day. I got a little lost and ended up having to walk a long way. My feet were killing me, my docs rubbing them raw. I was sweating and took my sweater off to tie it around my waist. It wasn't until days later when I wanted to wear it again I realized it was gone. All I can figure is that it fell off while I was walking but I was so stressed about finding my way I didn't notice.

Losing that sweater bothers me to this day.

Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html

My New York Diaries - Part 2

As I read through these old journals, so much comes flooding back to me and it's so visceral that I can burst into tears one minute and laugh my ass off the next. I know right now the beginning of my journey seems bleak but I promise you it's going to pick up and all kinds of people, places and adventures are about to enter the story!

A lot happens in my story.

Even though it was all so long ago, it really did take me this long to want to or be able to share it. As I get older I feel sharing our personal experiences and letting other know what made us they way we are is invaluable. We can all learn and teach each other all the time. This was my time of "greatest impact". That's the best way I can describe it.

Late teens/early 20's are the most intense time of a persons life. It is never quite the same. To those who knew me then...I can't even imagine what it would have been like to have met you in my now adult life.

Now on with the story...

At this point I've just left UT to move to NYC to study at the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School. I have been to NYC a few times before, loved it and always saw myself living there. I don't know a soul. It happened fast. I had 3 days to say goodbye and find a place to stay. Through family and friends...and friends of friends making a series of phone calls, it happened that I was picked up at the airport by two men who had done business with my aunts ex husband who were letting me stay in a spare room in their Weehawken, NJ apt. They were very nice, one took me to lunch and taught me the subway system. My mom had told them on the phone to look for a girl with brown hair, jeans and a blue tank top. I didn't know what they looked like so it seemed like an eternity waiting for someone to get me once I'd landed. I was scared! I only had 3 weeks there in NJ because they were moving so it was up to me to not only jump right into school but find an apartment asap! My aunt had a childhood friend, *Kyle (her gay BFF), who I'd now met up with a couple of times but other than that I still hadn't met any real friends. I hadn't ever lived anywhere other than the house I'd grown up in. I was suddenly experiencing a crash course in life! Learning subway systems, a new city, finding roommates and going to acting school in NYC.

10/6/ (a # of years ago)

Sitting in a pizza place on 79th. A little lonely, sense of sadness but unable to pinpoint why. It's so weird. I got an email from *The Taylors (former theatre teachers I was very close to, a husband and wife) and they said something about feeling as though you're moving backwards when trying to go forward. I think they misunderstood me. I don't feel as thought I've gone backwards in the least. I feel like I've gone so far forward that the rest of me isn't even caught up yet. Yes, that's a perfect way to put it. I'm so far ahead all of a sudden, all of me isn't quite here yet. Like a combination of being a playing piece in a chess game and The Matrix. Somewhere between time and space and worlds. I feel like I'm myself, more grounded, more real. But I guess something still hasn't, or has yet to believe I'm actually here. That I'm actually living out a lifelong, lifetime dream. Each and every day. Why doesn't it feel the way I thought it would? There! It's out! The dreaded words! Not that I'd EVER turn away, go back, give up. Ha! But it's a while different sensation that I have about it all now that I'm living it, instead of dreaming it. Now I feel filled. But yet something is bothering me. And I keep going back to the fact that I had no idea how much I needed friends. But I'm such a weirdo. I'm so different. There! Wow! More dreaded words! I'm so different! It takes a different type of person to fulfill me. I don't even know if I've ever met someone who did that for me other than various family members and *Rob (my gay BFF). Why? What is it? Will I ever meet "others of my kind"? Is it possible? Do others feel like me? Like they wander through life passing through people, but knowing, okay hoping, that there are "others"? And what makes me so different? What makes up my personality? What is it about me.

...ever since that talk with Kyle I'm trying to make more sense of everything.

* * * * * *

Kyle worked at a recording studio and I went there with him soon after I'd moved. I met Kevin Bacon, who was recording there. He was very nice, and more handsome in person that he is on tv.

Kyle had a boss who seemed a little shady but once offered to drive me home to Weehawken. Of course I was accepted. Sure beat the bus!

Kyle also told me that this boss of his said he'd be willing to help me move once I was in my new apartment in the city. He said to feel free to call his boss for help. I did call, when my NJ time was nearing an end, telling him Kyle said he'd be willing to help me get moved. But he responded like I was bat shit crazy and that was that. I was on my own. Maybe Kyle just said that without ever having talked to him?

One night, Kyle and I had a big heart to heart while out to eat and I was so grateful he was there. We talked about me pursuing my dreams and doing whatever I needed to do despite it being so hard, etc. Well it backfired. Kyle was renewed with a sense of passion, having talked to me, and picked up to move to LA almost immediately. He thanked me for the inspiration and was gone.

Well great. There went the one friend I had so far.

* * * * *

*Names are changed


Part I: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html

My New York Diaries - Part 1

In just a little over a month, I'll be in NYC for a few days. Each time I'm nearing a trip there, or actually there I can't help but feel nostalgic.

It happens less, but every now and then I'm still pierced in the guts with an NYC flashback. Is that what it's like to have an acid flashback? I don't know. But I literally feel it. It hurts. It hurts so good. It makes me sad that it happens less because it means that that time of my life is getting farther away. I don't like to feel it slip away. I don't like to think of it in those terms. I just want to relive one day. Just one.

In honor of what was the most special, painful, tough and wonderful time of my life, my time spent in new york over a period of five years, I'm going to be posting a few snippets of journal entries over the next month or so until I go.

Please know how sacred that time was to me, how much it means to me that I documented so much of it. I am so grateful I have these journals I could cry. Please know what a big deal it is to me to tell you my story. It's so embedded in my heart of hearts in the most protected place that most of the time it's too hard for me to talk about it. It's taken me a long, long time to finally write it :)


This was back when you could wait with someone at the gate at the airport! This picture was the day I left. I remember right before I got on the plane, my dad burst into tears. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. I'll never forget it.


Packing up my childhood room at home

Saturday, Sept 18 9:25 am (quite a number of years ago ;) )

Right this minute as I am writing in this brand new journal, I am miles and miles up above Utah. At least I'm assuming it's still Utah, as I fly in this plane on my way to Las Vegas, where I will change planes and make my so longed for descent into the JFK International Airport. I'm on my way to study acting in NYC after all! I can't believe it! I'm going to be studying at the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School. It's so surreal, it's so perfect, such a fairy tale ending I almost feel guilty that it did end up happening for me.

...Suddenly there were 3 & 1/2 days to do so much! Wrap things up, get a hair cut, get my chipped tooth fixed, decide what to tak, make a ton of phone calls. Say some goodbyes, quit "Oklahoma:, etc. It was all happening so fast. It's so strange to me. Okay, here I was, still stuck in Utah trying so hard to listen to myself. To try and be still and really listen to my calling, to what I was supposed to do. East coast or west coast, what school, what agency, what theatre, etc. And although it looked like I'd be going to LA I couldn't ever bring myself to feel 100% right about it. I was fighting a sadness I was afraid would come with all of my might. I felt so stuck, school had started and all my friends were moving ahead. And I was just at home. I almost wished I was at least going to Westminster again, just to be around people, not to feel so backtracked and left behind. I ended up getting hired at Express and I was happy that I'd have somewhere to go and something to do to keep me busy, in new surroundings with new people. Although I had always planned to be in school, not just working in a clothing store. Little did I know, I'd never even have my first day on the job :)

...Here I go to NYC. The place and time of year I always planned and thought I'd go. And the most ironic part of it all is that I'm not going to any old actor training program. I'm going to the exact studio I wanted to be at since last year. My ideal place to study.

* * * * *

Wow. Its 10:11 NYC time. In in my "new room". When the plane landed at the airport, I was so scared. My heart was pounding, I felt shaky.

...I still cannot believe I did it. I left Utah. I have nothing here but myself. It's the weirdest, scariest feeling. I can't even describe what I'm feeling. I know I can let go, be myself, but with the right people in the right environment. I can't wait until monday, until I start doing what I do and meeting people like me.

* * * * *

9/21

It's a little past 8:00 in the morning. I'm sitting in the starbucks I go to everyday before school starts. Something I can't afford to do, but do anyway. I just have to write something, even if it's a paragraph. I need to get out some tension, release something. It's so hard. It's nothing like I thought. More than anything *Rob is the one that I miss the most. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I'm here to stay, I guess. It hasn't hit me that I'll see Rob maybe two times a year. I have learned that I was ready to leave my family. But I have learned that I need people. Friends, more than I ever would have thought. It's so hard. So hard. It would be so easy to just go back home, sure I want to but I'm not going to. I wouldn't be happy after awhile. I can't take the easy road. The high road is always harder. But I have to do it. I just hope I can have the strength to.

*names are changed. Rob was my gay BFF. We were inseparable.

The Whole Shebang

Today is a shout out!! I wanted to feature guest bloggers, The Whole Shebang. If you haven't already heard of these ladies, you will soon.

They are described like this,"Three Women – Professional actresses, provocative thinkers, savvy entrepreneurs, shameless promoters, fearless heroines, emotional rodeo clowns and sexy swashbucklers – Living fearlessly and writing about it. We are over 18 and You should be too. Not kidding."

Intrigued? Thought so.


Follow their blog:
http://wearethewholeshebang.blogspot.com/

Find them on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Whole-Shebang/148100225255574


Check out links above for photos, bios and much more.

The trio is made up of redhead JJ Neward, blonde Emily Pearson and brunette Laura Montoya. Smart, funny and witty beauties, there's something for everyone on their blog, doesn't matter if you're male or female.

Here is a recent post from JJ that I particularly liked...

Monday, May 30, 2011

I am not fat. I am not skinny, either. Nor am I short, nor exceptionally tall. I am fairly certain I am "real," however. If I were to gain 40 pounds, I would still be real. If I lost a limb or a breast or 20 pounds I would be as real as I am in this moment.

I have arms that have long since lost the chiseled features of a college swimmer and resemble very little of Venus Williams'. Although willowy no longer, my arms have cradled a friend's newborn child and hugged my grandfather lovingly as he died.

I have legs that look nothing like Jennifer Aniston's. God bless how beautiful she is, and I think she probably works pretty hard at it, too. Maybe not. I really don't care. She's gorgeous. But as for me, my legs have traveled miles while willing myself to finish a marathon, sobbing over a breakup, or when silently inhaling the amazing features of my surroundings.

My thighs are full and struggle to fit in a pair of Seven jeans. But they've cradled lovers, been a perch for pets, and contain enough fat to get me through a natural disaster. I like living, so this is a plus.

I have a butt which will never be mistaken for a Kardashian's. But this butt, which looks as if it is eating a thong rather than wearing it, has cushioned me through the most exquisite music concerts, lively dinners with loved ones around my table, and long flights to exotic locales.

My hands will never advertise nail polish or skin cream. But they've played Liszt and Chopin, can speak to someone who can't hear, and made a cross stitch which my father says would be the only thing he'd grab if his house caught on fire.

My feet are huge and often contained in amazing 4-inch heels (which they hate wearing). But here's the thing: they sometimes make a solid, heavy sound as I walk (whether in said heels or sneakers), and this is a comforting reminder that I take up space in this world; that my feet send out balance and solidity. That yes, I do stand firm and rooted and viable.

This very pale skin of mine is often slathered in SPF 4,000,000. This is what is needed when a person does not want to burn her skin and wince all day long from trying to look as golden as the extraordinary athlete Gabrielle Reece. Although not deeply tanned, my skin has felt the deliciousness of loving contact, the smack of being hit, and houses all the sensations of the seasons changing.

The thing is, while I appreciate the gestures of folks assuring me that "real women have curves," I know that real women come very thin (without suffering from anorexia), with no breasts, with enormous breasts, with curvy silhouettes, with fat silhouettes, with one breast, with no uterus, with bad skin, with birthmarks, with freckles, with stretch marks, tall and sturdy, small and diminutive, and every single thing in between. It is harmful to all of us to start excluding the curve-less (or "_______") and to diminish ANY woman's place in this world by saying they are less "real." This becomes even more important if we remember that there is something all together unknowable which makes women women. My body allows for the richness of life, however that presents itself.

It is in this rich experience that we become similar; that the comparison of life - or body - becomes unnecessary.

I don't know what defines a "real woman" (I've thought for a long time it might be how she treats someone who can't possibly do her any good). But I'm fairly certain it won't be contained in yet another distracting, limited sense of a woman's external features. We women don't need to push other women out; there is room for all of us.

So I guess, simply put, Real Women are.

* * * * * * * * * *

Each lovely lady takes turns posting, and there will soon be video!

Some posts are funny, some are serious and some topics are respectfully and smartly debated among the ladies and readers. And these ladies can all write!

So head over to their facebook and blog, get to know them and hear what they have to say on everything, ranging from fashion to cougars to race to poetry to bedazzled penises.

Trust me, this trio is a force to be reckoned with. Keep an eye on them! ;)

Creativity is subtraction?

A few blogs ago I mentioned listening to the podcast of "How to Steal LIke an Artist (And 9 Other things Nobody Told Me) by Austin Kleon.

When I read the "Steal" essay online, #10 "Creativity is Subtraction" wasn't one that stuck. I supposed I didn't quite get it at first. Here's what he says:

10. Creativity is subtraction.
It’s often what an artist chooses to leave out that makes the art interesting. What isn’t shown vs. what is.
In this age of information overload and abundance, those who get ahead will be the folks who figure out what to leave out, so they can concentrate on what’s important to them.
Devoting yourself to something means shutting out other things.
What makes you interesting isn’t just what you’ve experienced, but also what you haven’t experienced.
The same is true when you make art: you must embrace your limitations and keep moving.
Creativity isn’t just the things we chose to put in, it’s also the things we chose to leave out. Or black out.

In the actual podcast, each of the ten are talked about in length. When I got to this one, it was much more involved along the, "Devoting yourself to something means shutting out other things" lines.

I've been mulling over it for days.

I've recently struggled somewhat with how to spend my time and who to spend it with. I've been with my sweetheart for six years. Most of my close girlfriends are not married. I don't have to have a day job. Most of my close girlfriends have day jobs. I am very fortunate to be in a position where I don't have to toss and turn and night over how to come up with rent money or grocery money (and I've been on that end, too). I am able to do what I want with my time. I'm able to concentrate on shows when they come my way, take on photo shoots and video shoots as I like, and make my City Weekly and YouTube videos. This is why I say yes to so much. I like to stay busy but I'm also in a position to. By no means am I rolling in the dough or able travel all over or buy whatever I want. By all means, between show if I wanted to take a day job I totally could fit it in and very much benefit from the extra cash. I've actually considered a summer job, because I'd like to save up for travel and I definitely have the time the next few months.

Anyway. Being married. It also happens that marriage is very different than when you are dating someone. It must be like having a baby. You'll never truly know what it's like until you do it. Marriage for me enhanced everything. We became a family. We have only gotten closer and closer in the past 6 years and I have only gotten more and more secure. We truly enjoy each others company. We get to be family, best friends and in love. A husband and wife bond is something only a husband and wife know.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm in a situation that's very different from many of my close friends. Not for the better, not for the worse. I just feel...different. When you have a husband or wife or partner you spend 99.9% of your time together. Well, some couples do (self included in this category). So it's easy to let friendships slip. But as you get more settled in and more time passes you are ready to reach out and make sure to stay connected and stay seeing each other.

But its hard. I know it's my own sense of ego, others behaving in a way I didn't want them to behave, but I have over the last little bit of time put in quite an effort and been disappointed with the results.

Here's where creativity is subtraction comes in for me. In the detailed podcast, it hit me that in spending this energy and time on outside people and things can be negative and if I want to be productive, useful, creative and ultimately who and what I want to be, well then, "Devoting yourself to something means shutting out other things" sure starts making a lot of sense.

I don't know if I feel I am still supposed to remain close to certain people because there is history there? Or if I need to stop investing so much, stop having my feelings hurt and move on so that I'm open to those who do give back, do keep plans, do make me feel as though they truly want to be out with me, etc.

When I let go of trying so hard to keep old relationships in tact and accept and allow the idea that people and lives are in a constant state of change (and that as sad as it is, people can grow apart and have less in common over time. We could never see any of it coming this far, or what more there is to come), I become more aware of all the people who do want to spend their time with me, to have a lunch date, to have a drink, to collaborate artistically with me. It's all around me.

Why do I fight against it? Or rather, why do I fight for anything other than that?

I guess it's been hard to reconcile the different places everyone is currently in, and what and who I need in my life.

I have come to learn I like to feel useful. I want to make the most of my free time. I also (as mentioned a few blogs back) want to turn of the (computer and tv) screen and put my gaze on those that mean the most to me.

My sweetheart, our family, what we want for our future. Time in the gym to work on my physical self, writing and reading to help my mental and emotional self and time for collaborations with other artistic folks who want to be there, who want to have fun and make something together for my creative self.

In other words, to do what I need to look, feel and be the ultimate version of me that I possibly can.

Less time for some things, more time for other things.

I guess I'm learning all about the subtraction aspect in order to go where I need to go.

Changing your body.

If you follow me here then you know that the topics of weight, body image and working out comes up every now and then. And you also know that I have been a person my entire life who never worried about what I was ate. I could brag about eating an entire pizza. I also didn't work out. Sure I'd have the occasional walk on the treadmill, but not regularly.

Then I went to a zumba class on October 1, 2010 purely because I was missing something. I was missing moving, physicality. Sure I got it through dance when I was younger and now through the occasional musical. When it's nice out I love to go for walks. But I wanted to be active, for the sake of being active. I wanted to feel useful and not lazy.

This has started me on a path of changes. The way I view my body, what I want for my body and even what I find attractive.

I became addicted to zumba my first class. I went all over, to many instructors and even wanted to teach it for awhile. It was fun. I'd always said I didn't like working out and when I found this I never felt like I was working out. It was just a great and fun hour. I knew if I could find something to get me active, anyone could. After going religiously for the past 8 months I started to cut back a bit. I thought about it. I'm putting in a lot of zumba time. Sure I've come a long way endurance - wise. I can breathe easy through a class. I'm not drenched in sweat after the way I used to be. But did I look different? No. My body did not change. That's when I started realizing if I was going to put in this time, I wanted to see something. And I truly realized then just how much I didn't know.

I didn't know that cardio is the slowest way to lose weight and/or tone up. I also never considered weights or machines at the gym. I mean, those are for guys, right? Wrong. I started to learn about what I'd never considered. If you do want to lose the last 5 or 10 pounds, cardio alone is not going to cut it. You have to add weights and resistance training.

Now, I'm naturally small. But I wouldn't say I've ever been toned. I've never tried to build muscle. I just thought my body wasn't able to tone. But the truth was, I don't know because I've never tried.

I also started to see a new body type popping up. Lean but muscular. With killer arms. I'd never considered wanting to change my body or wanting to tone up like that. Honestly, what I'd always thought was the most attractive was a thin, skinny body (I still do find that attractive and will be the first to tell you many women are naturally that way and it does NOT mean it's a result of an eating disorder). Now I was starting to be intrigued by women with that lean muscle. And how were they doing that to their arms?!

I think what finally pushed me over the other side was the body transformation of Leann Rimes. Now I know a lot of people are going to think she is too thin, or too muscular, or not like her abs, I get that. But you have to be impressed by the work, discipline and time it must have taken to completely transform herself. I mean, look at this:












There you have it in proof that changing your body is possible. Whatever that means to you. To lose weight, to put on weight, to tone certain parts of you, to build certain muscle groups.

I don't need to lose any weight, so don't think I'm saying I need to be skinnier. But I want to learn how to use those machines at the gym and lift those weights to give me the killer arms and tighten me up all over.

I went with a friend, Jenee last week for the first time. She's been training for years and has probably one of the very best bodies I've ever seen. It was so hard for me my first time out, I'd never moved like that. At one point I felt like I was going to be sick. It really surprised me. But it passed and I pushed through.

Today I did my hour of zumba but this time added an hour in the gym. I went through what she'd taught me and even added a little more with weights I'd researched on my own. It was still hard, but even easier to get through today, as in I never got sick and I didn't have to take as long of breaks (don't plan to cut out cardio, but I see now that six days a week is really not what I need). At this point, what I need is to see some changes and results. It's crazy that I've fallen into this whole new thing, I never thought I would. I never thought I'd be in a gym or wanting to see muscle. Now I'm so interested I want to learn everything I could possibly do. This has opened up a whole new world. I want to see myself toned and strong and defined.

I figure in posting this, others who were in the same boat as me will read this and see what is possible too. You just have to do it. Ask someone who looks the way you'd like to look (like I did with Jenee. Everyone will tell you what you should do, but to be blunt, most of these people don't look like they have first hand gotten the results they speak of. As soon as I was put in contact with a female near my age who actually looked the way I wanted to, I jumped on my chance to get her help) what they do and if they can help you learn. Of course you feel awkward the first time you're in the gym learning new things. Even today I felt a little out of place at first. But you look around and see that nobody cares and it's actually very comfortable. I wanted to stay longer and would have but my arms were feeling like jelly by the end. In the best way possible.

I want to write about this publicly, too, so then I'm not tempted to sleep in, or skip a day. You can hold me to it. I want to change my body. One thing seemed to lead to another all starting back in October and I love that my views and interests are expanding. If I want to tone up, then I've got to put in the work. It no longer feels right to sit around wondering why I just don't tone.

It also makes me rethink the "I can eat an entire pizza"! If I'm going to work this hard, I want to feel fueled. I want to eat right, healthier for me. Sure I'm lucky it doesn't pack on the pounds. But it could one day. And I can't help but wonder if I'd have more energy and feel overall better if I tried to limit the pizza and candy diet. I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, Giuliana Rancic (another with amazing arms) has a website with tons of workout, health and beauty tips called Fab Fit Fun. Take a look! http://fabfitfun.com tons of great tips!

Doin' it!

Episode 12 of the "Jack & Coke Lady Show" is here! Can you believe she's been around for over THREE YEARS?! Yeah, me neither. You've met previous guest stars Margarita Mary, Aunt Brandy & Liquored Laurie...now I present to you...Cyrstal Cristal! Enjoy you fabulous bitches.

Austin Kleon: To do the math...and at the same time dream

I discovered Austin Kleon when I came across a link to his essay
"How to steal like an artist".

http://www.austinkleon.com/2011/03/30/how-to-steal-like-an-artist-and-9-other-things-nobody-told-me/

Please read it. I promise it will be the most beautiful & inspirational thing you'll read this year.

Since then, he's become my favorite person to follow on twitter
http://www.austinkleon.com/
and tumblr
http://tumblr.austinkleon.com/

Through his posts I've become aware of artists, books, images, quotes, excerpts and funny websites that always peak my interest and give me a giggle, dose of inspiration and even the chills.

I'm listening to his "How to steal like an artist" podcast as we speak and wanted to shout him out to anyone reading my blog.

I particularly like his conversation about your twitter, tumblr or flicker as your stock. The stuff that may stick around. Such as a great photo, a poem or blog. He says some of his major traffic comes from things he posted years ago.

Something to think about. "Building flow into stock". Like an archive. "These become the outlines for important things."

His book, "Newspaper Blackout" is just that. Newspaper, blacked out to leave poetry. He still makes them and you can purchase prints or get sneak peeks if you're following him online.

"Art is subtraction". He says in the podcast, "turn off the screen and turn your gaze on the person that is most important to you".

My favorite one he's made to date I even added to my list of favorite quotes:



A couple of things I've stolen (yes, literally. Sorry Austin!) from him and reblogged:





I told you that you'd want to follow him! :)

Waiting for it

Lately I've been wondering if "perfect timing" exists. And by lately I mean the last couple of years. So many of us are waiting. Waiting for the perfect moment.

Of course some time frames become more ideal than others, but could we put off doing something we want or need to do forever because the "perfect time" never comes? What if the waiting goes on too long and then our chance is gone? How do you ever know when the moment is truly right?

Below is an interesting article I came across on the subject from www.lifereboot.com called "Perfect Timing Doesn't Exist. Stop Waiting For It" by Shaun Boyd.


It bothers me when I hear people describe a personal set of conditions that need to be met before they can make the next move in their life. Most often, they’re just making excuses — creating obstacles that aren’t actually there, placing the blame on some outside force they can’t control, and choosing to let day after day of inaction turn into many years of waiting for their cosmos to align. In other words, they stay where they’re comfortable until it’s the perfect time to move on.

“Once I find a better job, then I’ll leave this one.”
“Once I save enough money, then I’ll stop living at my parents’ place.”
“Once I’m out of this stressful period of my life, then I’ll quit smoking.”

What’s even worse are the people who connect their obstacles in a way that makes their current situation circular, like a trap they will never escape:

“I can’t pursue my dream career unless I leave my job, but I can’t pay the bills unless I stay at my job.”

Then there’s also the people who have a thousand complaints about their life. They typically don’t even explain any connections between their obstacles, they just rant about anything that’s causing them stress, but do nothing to correct any of it. They’re so overwhelmed they don’t even know where to begin, and their easiest option is to give up.

If any of this sounds familiar, then my advice to you is this:

Stop waiting for that “perfect time” to make your next move. Perfect timing doesn’t exist. It’s fictional. You’ll wait forever for it. There will never be a perfect time to leave your job, move out of state, and start from scratch. Similarly, there will never be a perfect time to get married, have a baby, or have another baby. That’s because no matter when you make these choices, they will involve risk — and it’s the risk involved that makes choices like these easier to put off until another day.

What you often fail to realize is you’re not just waiting, you’re stagnating. You stop growing, hinder your advancement, and basically become dull as a result of your choice to keep life on pause.

If your current job is holding you back, then you should quit.

Seriously. You can quit your dead-end job today. Just walk straight up to your boss and say “I quit.” Leave and don’t come back. The place won’t crumble without you. They’ll find a replacement and be just fine.

Then hop in your car and drive across the country just to see that you can. Just for fun. Just to help you remember that you have a choice.

No car? Hitchhike.

Not your thing? Walk.

I’m sure you see my point: You have more freedom than you realize.

So if you want to create change in your life, then stop waiting. Let go of perfection and act. Once you have, you’ll only regret you didn’t start doing it sooner.

* * * * * * * * * *

The most powerful part to me: You have more freedom than you realize.
A few blogs back I told you I'd come to believe through personal experiences and recognizing the synchronicity around me the last couple of months, I do not believe in accidents. I know that at any given moment I'm on the path meant for me, that I need to accept and allow everything I do and experience as part of my journey. But my question is, when do I just do it already? I know that whenever it is, it's when it was supposed to happen. I just get confused with how to juggle all that I want and plan to do. I know that saying yes to every opportunity that comes my way keeps me on my professional career path, but when do I take a pause for more? For my pilgrimage, for philosophy, math, anthropology, writing (and who knows what else) courses I'd like to take, for family. I book myself so far in advance, right now I have things lined up through May of 2012! I see that I could put off the things unrelated to my career when I stop saying yes to everything and stop pursuing everything career-wise and take action. But of course I worry. I worry about a time out. Who wouldn't? It's always hard to shake it up, but I know that I like to shake it up. The older I get the more I want to know. Performing is wonderful, but I long for more. I want to learn more, I want to be and do so many other things in addition. How do I fit in my six week long pilgrimage in this kind of a schedule? How do I fit in courses that will go over a couple of months? When do I consider, gulp, family? Do I wait until one desire outweighs them all? Or do I just go for it, impulsively and know the rest will fall into place? I'm surprised at myself, but I find I am having a bit of trouble making that leap. Perhaps I am (and I hate to say or even think this) somewhat stagnant? I am "safe" in my in between. In my knowing I want and need so many things besides career, impatient that I have to wait, even. But also safe from having to test new waters and veer of the path. It was always the one and only path I ever saw and ever identified with. Then I started growing up and realizing that things never end up working out exactly as you saw, and you will surprise yourself at every turn. As it turns out, I didn't grow up to be an actress only. I grew up to have an insatiable curiosity about the world. It only intensifies with time. I've learned to accept that more. To know what my true self wants and needs and not worry about what any one else may think. I've also learned that life is long. What I used to consider "old" is only the beginning and humans are amazing, the way we can surprise ourselves at every turn.

“You cannot afford to wait for perfect conditions. Goal setting is often a matter of balancing timing against available resources. Opportunities are easily lost while waiting for perfect conditions.”
Gary Ryan Blair quotes

“Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.”
Stacey Charter quotes

Perfection

Follow up, video & final blog on the UT Entertainment & Choice Awards

Another very smart, well written and thought out account from a fellow nominee/attendee and his experience with the awards and the night:

http://bydirector.tumblr.com/post/5774245568/i-watched-incest-on-stage

*5/27 Looking at my stats to see where all these hits have come from since I've had over 2 k page views in the last few days. Quite a bit of traffic has come from Idol Forums, I'd never seen this site before but I clicked and read the two pages of what people said about the awards. You'll definitely want to read their comments!

http://idolforums.com/index.php?showtopic=668815&st=20

Here is the video as promised. Petty things that weren't what I (and others) expected aside, there were definitely big time flaws and scary issues with all of this. Let me explain "in person". Please take this 6 minutes to watch. Especially if you voted, attended, nominated or won. This is important for all of us.

It's not even about winning or an award at this point. It's way beyond that.
There are a lot of things being privately discussed and hopefully it will all be brought to light.

We must support each other, our community & industry here. Both "winners", "losers", and other attendees are in contact at the moment comparing notes. What we're learning is very shocking. Some of us have been sold the same lines, the line you'll see in my video below, "you've got 46% of the vote"! Others were flat out promised things that not only did NOT happen but led to public humiliation.

Paying guests who spoke to Danny Thompson via phone were told a VIP ticket ($90 vs a non VIP $48 ticket) would include access to the VIP lounge where there would be free drinks. While they did get access to the "lounge", or partitioned off corner of the ballroom, they found a CASH bar inside.

The messages of support I've received far, far outweigh the few who actually supported this. I'm so glad I made this video, because I was told by friends who thought all along the awards were phony (due to a website that was not professional and no way to organize the votes) that they thought I was involved in it! Oh god no. No, no, no, no. I did not know any of these people until the "awards" happened and I'll admit, I fell for it! It's easy to get excited about something that I was told was going to be so great, by a master of this kind of manipulation. There were also legitimate names attached, so you don't question. They really new how to fool us.

Watch my video, then take a look here and you'll see what I mean:

PSA called "The Aging Game", Danny stars in this they say as "repentance" and demonstrates just how GOOD he is at fooling you: http://www.securities.utah.gov/investors/alerts_psa-vid8.html flash video

Article: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/01/25/national/main3753682.shtml

If you visit http://www.utahsright.com go to charges and type in a name...you'll see for yourself. There is a LOT to learn there.

And do you think I could get straight answers from an executive producer? NOPE.

I had a facebook comment from someone by the name of Tyson Frost whom I've never met but had requested me when the voting period was going on. It said he worked at Power & Industry as an intern. When I posted publicly what I've found out, his comment was how he'd lost all respect for me for "destroying" what he and others worked so hard for. I replied very nicely, in length asked him to teach me rather than defend, please explain. Mike Baird and Doug Clark were the two executive producers. I had met Mike when I picked up my tickets. I wrote to him telling him I'd let it all out in my blogs, asked him my questions regarding how voting was tallied, if he knew Danny's history and why Danny would TELL me how I was doing in the polls. I also asked why Tyson Frost, intern was writing me (wouldn't an intern of a legit business leave discussing something with me to the "higher ups"?) He wrote back but did not address a single one of my questions, other than he had NO idea who Tyson Frost was. I asked my questions again. Nothing. I want my questions answered, prove me wrong and I'll eat my words! Why won't the producers talk to me about the polls, what I was told and how it all worked? Tell me, please, how it's possible x96 and City Weekly lost what with their fans and demographics? Nothing bad about anyone else nominated, I just don't understand it when looking at it mathematically.

I'm gathering quite a collection of screenshots. So are others.

Here was my blog the morning after, before finding out all that I know now.
http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/05/utah-entertainment-choice-awards-recap.html



Did I want to become the unofficial spokesperson for this? No. But at the same time I don't care about "burning bridges" with these people. It's put me in contact with people I VERY much respect and who've not only supported, shared personal experiences, but made me feel very justified with what my gut told me. Many people choose to remain nameless, I get that and respect that. But I hope in exposing what I've learned (the producers thought we WOULD'NT talk? Perhaps if they'd had an honest competition nobody would have started to question it & they would have pulled it off. It is not right to tell someone how they're doing in the polls, to tell multiple nominees that they have 46% of the vote, and to not monitor the voting and only allow for daily votes) & experienced others will think twice before getting involved with this team again. Promoting for them, paying them, wasting their time and getting their hopes up.

You are who you associate with.

Part I : http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/05/utah-entertainment-choice-awards-recap.html

* 5/26/2011

A picture of the check for the portion that went to charity is online on facebook today. I heard that roughly 1,200 - 1,500 people were in attendance. In that mix were comped guests and guests who paid either $48 or $90 a ticket. You do the math. Quite a success.

Here is a picture of the check that went to Neuroworks. For 3k.



5/27 There has still been no response from the producer I wrote to. And I have to point out that the attempted hateful comments here are not only unintelligent and humorous, but also under an anonymous crass profile name. If you defend these people so much you're taking the time to write here, why not let everyone know who you are? Show you have no problem attaching your name to what you say and who you defend. Same goes for my YouTube video. It was uploaded to a channel of mine with very little subscribers and traffic. I don't have any haters there. I have supporters there. Isn't it funny then, that only with a few hundred views again, were the unintelligent and humorous attempted hateful comments? Under anonymous profiles? (I'd also like to talk about the facebook profile of Tyson Frost and the only other hate message I got via facebook, from facebook profile Robert Jardin. Neither profile to me looks like it has any identifiable pictures or proof that it is a real profile. I'm not accusing, I am asking.) Step forward, all of you hiding behind the internet, as I did. Who are you? Make a case for your argument. Show me facts, prove me wrong. I've said all along, don't get defensive, teach me. But instead, I get name calling and no true rebuttal. And I refuse to play dirty. I'm only sharing what happened to me, my personal experience, and links anybody can find very easily online. It is important to note again, the links at the top of this blog. As well as the podcast of x96 the monday after the awards and the fact that cityweekly has been reposting what I write. I'm not the only one who found this to be a less than stellar experience (various facebook pages say the same, if you know where to look). Fool me once, shame on you. But fool me twice...you know the rest. I don't regret speaking up for a second.

Utah Entertainment & Choice Awards RECAP!

This blog has had many hits since it was posted,
please see what has happened since:
http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/05/another-nominees-very-smart-well.html


*BEFORE YOU READ MY BLOG* Please know that this information was literally just brought to my attention. This is the producer who was my contact through all of this: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/01/25/national/main3753682.shtml%20l
I had no idea that this was who I was dealing with.

And this link sent to me is regarding ANOTHER scandal, before THAT scandal: http://www.securities.utah.gov/investors/alerts_psa-vid8.html I don't trust what went on with the awards and I never would have associated myself with them. Seeing this video and reading these articles, I can't help but wonder where the proceeds are going from the awards? "A portion will go to charity". What's the portion? What's the charity and where does the rest go? Who TRULY benefited from this?

I never would have promoted them at all let alone attended. I am SO SORRY. Shame on me for not researching fully what I was getting involved in, and I am SO sorry I asked for your time and votes. So very sorry. "Winning" an "award" from this would have held no meaning for me now that I know.

This was found out after I wrote the blog, but I would like to leave it up as is to let you know how I was treated and what a let down the night was. Thanks!




Well here we are the morning after. I wanted so badly to open with this, "I've been to movie premieres and other red carpet events in LA, and this was just as grand if not more so!"

But I can't. It was very underwhelming.

Some of those I've talked to have used the words "strange", "uncomfortable", "painful", "lacking", "screwed up", "underhanded", "insulting", "embarrassing" and "odd" to describe the night.

Where do I begin? We walked into the Salt Palace where everyone was mingling in the lobby and the red carpet was set up with the step and repeat, people taking pictures and several interviewers. It looked well lit, it looked crowded, it looked fun. When I went over to get on the carpet, it was a free for all. Some people were under the impression you had to wait in a line, one group of guys had stood their for 30 minutes straight! Other people would duck under the ropes and cut in front, others enter from the other end, it was unorganized. I finally just had to take charge, as did others, and jump in. Nobody was there to keep order of any kind. Everyone was able to rush the carpet. We were under the impression it was special for the "stars", the nominees and press. Nope.

The interviewers were not what I expected. I don't mean to be rude, please please please don't think I am, but it wasn't what I expected. I expected known tv personalities and reporters from channels 2, 4, and 5 (5 being a sponsor, Carole Mikita did shoot a 2 minute or so report but didn't have a spot on interviewing those on the red carpet through all of the arrivals like the other interviewers). Some of the interviewers asked vague unanswerable questions pertaining more to Utah as a state rather than why each nominee was there but some did do their research, and Darren Fromal even knew my characters and asked me what they'd say if they were there! Got to bust out a little honey bee and have fun.

There was NO sign of CNN, I was told by Danny Thompson via phone they would be.

One question which I hadn't considered was, "who are you excited to meet?" I realized I wasn't really excited about seeing anyone other than my friends. I mean, I'm too young to have been a Debbie Gibson fan and too old to be a David Archuleta fan. Plus I don't watch American Idol. But of course I played along, like you do, and tell them how excited you are to have an American Idol in the midst, and perhaps sing for you. It's a good question! I might have asked it too. See, in situations like these it's all about making the event appear far grander. This question makes you feel big celebrities are in the midst! But really, there weren't any, or many, there.

No Jazz Bear, no Jimmer (except via satellite) and Donny Osmond (it was said he would be there via satellite as far as I knew) but patrons seemed to be confused on this.

*Neither David or Debbie performed, just presented! Why not?! I was hearing talk of them being too expensive, is that true??? They were the biggest names in the room, they were right there, why didn't they perform? This crowd would have loved it!

Seating. So it was time to go into the ballroom. Because we'd been given comp tickets, we were assigned a seat. My parents had purchased tickets (not VIP) and were seated elsewhere. That was a drag. I figured VIP would be up front, parents must be at the back. VIP didn't seem to matter here, nor the fact I was nominated and may or may not need to walk up to the front. We were all at the very back.

*I've also just been made award not all nominees WERE comped! Some even had to wait to find a seat!

At this point I was still giving it all a chance, enjoying myself, even able to meet very briefly Danny Thompson himself and tell him congrats on putting it all together.

Then the show started.

The show was rough around the edges. The performances didn't flow. Everything from a pre-teen dance group to a guy singing and playing the guitar (that went on too long) to a rapper with backup booty dancers. It was random. There wasn't a format and it was out of order in the program. Another guy sang in funny voices and did impressions of other singers. There were a lot of lulls and silence between transitions of one thing to the next. It seemed to me the performances were all good, just maybe not the right fit. Some of the presenters I didn't know. Some of the nominees I didn't know. That's fine, I'm not saying I expect to know everyone involved, but I couldn't help but wonder where so many local celebs were? I was very aware of those looked over as nominees, acts and hosts.

There was video for the final award for Alan Osmond that went on way. too. long.

Someone had a great suggestion that there should have been a quick blurb about each nominee, and perhaps a pic and or footage? That definitely would have helped.

The awards. When it came time to announce the award I was up for, "the future", Debbie Gibson and David Archuleta came up to present. I was so nervous. I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest. Mainly because whenever I'm announced for anything, I think to myself, "oh my god, what if nobody claps? What if it's crickets out there?!" I was the last name to be announced, by Debbie Gibson. When she said my name, I had my best poker face on and I kid you not, my jaw dropped. I had the most cheers. I don't say this to toot my own horn, I say it because I never think I'm as cool as other people might, I don't think I'm entitled, I just work hard and do what makes me happy. To have that instant of recognition was very special to me. I'll never forget that split second. If nothing else, that was worth it all.

When the name was announced and it wasn't me, it was okay. I mean, I'm a big girl, I knew that going in. I don't need a trophy to show me I am the "future". My life doesn't change. I'm the same me today as I was yesterday, trophy or no trophy. The winner was so happy and I'm very happy for him. Truly. I can always appreciate someone getting their moment. Someone who truly does want it and appreciate it. I can accept that as their journey and I accept what happened to me as mine.

But. Here's what is weird to me. I have felt all along, how do you fairly vote when fan bases are so varied? In my category I have a larger fan base. Again, please know I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm just stating the facts. I know for a fact I had a ton of votes. And it was easy to do with Youtube, two facebook pages and a twitter. Thousands per each site mentioned. Local business were shouting me out, word was being spread among family and friends. I was contacted by Danny Thompson a couple of weeks ago telling me flat out I was "killing it in the polls" and I had 46% of the vote alone. I was also told that I had nearly 200 people nominate me. Bigger fanbase = more votes. Bottom line. So when I did lose, along with X96, City Weekly, Fox 13, KSL, ABC4, and Robert Redford...it felt...odd.

I'm torn on the whole voting thing. It will never give someone a truly fair chance, right? But at the same time the person with the largest fanbase should be recognized for building that up with hard work over time, right? But then those people who did have the largest fan bases did not win so...what went on? Really? What if it was a ceremony for people chosen for recognition in the industry for what they've done and truly voted on by a select legit panel of professionals, based on their true contribution or involvement in the arts? Or ONE vote per person? I don't know. I feel a bit had. And I felt strange all along for being an actress in a category with a producer, inventor and chef. I mean...huh?!

If you look at those who won and those who didn't & compare fan bases, who their audiences are and who would be within the age and demographic to be ON their computers casting votes...on a purely mathematical standpoint...it makes no sense.

*Now I'm wondering if any of what I learned at any time has any truth. If was told 200 people nominated me and I had 46% of the vote alone...who's to say that wasn't a lie to get me to get me excited and therefore create more buzz? What if they knew full well who the "winners" were going to be. Who's to say they won't tell each and every one of them that they had the largest percent of the vote? That they killed it in the polls? If they noticed (which they would have to tally votes daily) that people were being voted for more than once a day, or even more than once an hour...that's when they should have called off voting for a day and not counted those until the system was up and running correctly. Or started over. But you know what? I don't think they cared.



Maybe it's egg on my face for helping them promote the event the way I did. I'm not sure yet. Maybe they knew what the plan was all along? Maybe they wanted me to hype up my fan base to create bigger buzz for them, and of course, if I were to win, I could certainly spin it all to my advantage right? Right. ;)

A couple of other things that were odd. On a phone call with a producer (Danny Thompson) awhile ago, I was asked to email a full bio and my availability to interview, they'd send a cameraman over. I did, and never heard back. My bio was never used. I asked again about the shoot, told they still wanted to do it, and never heard back. There had also been talk about trying to get me on Fresh Living on channel 2 on May 18th but that wasn't followed up with either.

*I also know people who said they were told they'd be on the ballot...and weren't.

*There are also a lot of people saying that the speeches seemed rehearsed, like the winners knew in advance (I had been told that nobody would know until the ceremony) and that's why so many nominees weren't even there.

Now here is the oddest of them all. THE VOTING WEBSITE WAS FAULTY. I had several people tell me that they'd noticed there were ways to vote whenever you wanted, as much as you wanted. I didn't reply to encourage that behavior and on one occasion I flat out told someone, "voting is once a day! That's it!" Then another nominee told me voting was actually every 8 hours. What?!?! Maybe I could have confirmed this with the producers but I guess at that point I figured I wasn't going to be followed up with so I continued to promote as voting once, daily.

If I was going to win it was sure going to be within the rules. Never did I vote more than I could have, never would I have condoned that behavior of anyone else. Honest to god. Who could be happy with a win that way?

Now. In the end it was the first time this had ever been done. I know people that were happy with the night, others who I've already talked to who have called the night not only strange, but uncomfortable. I know others were also unhappy with seating arrangements. We were supposed to get a choice between two dishes and that never happened. We were simply served one dish. There were cash bars which was a let down for a VIP ticket. Did you know a VIP ticket was $90? Nominees were comped, but I have to say...I'm no money bags. If I had to pay nearly a hundred dollars for that event? It wouldn't have been worth it. Not the entertainment, not the food, not the lounge. Not for a seat at the back and not even with my parents.

When the dinner begins with a prayer (and keep in mind this was described and marketed as the "Golden Globes of Utah" NOT the "LDS Entertainment Awards") you are far more aware you're at just another Utah event...not the golden globes. And not even just a Utah event but a very particular kind of Utah event. I always stick up for Utah. I always say we're a real city. We are thriving, we have got it going on! But I felt in a very small kind of bubble at that moment. One where I didn't belong, one where I and others were excluded because we were not their for a religious event, but an entertainment business event.

*It's also interesting to note that the winners were almost all LDS or associated with LDS networks. It's also interesting to note that nearly every winner, performer and presenter was a WHITE MALE and that only ONE WOMAN gave an acceptance speech that night.

*Before the prayer was the national anthem. POLITICS AND RELIGION right off the bat at the ENTERTAINMENT AWARDS?! Awkward as all get out. And not appropriate. There's a time and a place.

Please, don't think I'm being a sore loser. I'm not. I am fine today. I'm in the acting biz, after all, and wouldn't have been for all this time if I wasn't prepared for and had experienced both the wins AND the rejections. I still have a million things on my to do list and I'm still glad I got to wear my amazing Krista Nielson dress last night (by the way the dress was a hit) and have my makeup done by Stephanie Bybee. I had fun going out to my favorite bar with some of my favorite people afterwards. I can't wait to have pictures! I love any excuse to get dolled up in something you'd otherwise never get the chance to wear! I don't say any of this to be cruel, but to help. Sheesh I wish I could have suggested people they should meet and perhaps nominate, or ask to present, or ask to perform. I wish no will ill on anyone involved, I wish them luck and I am really hoping for a fix of the website, legit voting, wins and professional communication next time. An even bigger and better red carpet, a hell of a show, more focus on entertainment, less on religion, and a true VIP party to cap it all off!

*The VIP lounge was simply the same hotel ballroom, partitioned off in the corner. :/

I will never loose faith in UT. I know we can truly host events like this and draw people here. One day I hope we'll be able to change people's narrow views of UT. But for now there's still a lot of pretend here. Pretend actors, pretend movie makers, pretend award ceremonies. :(

Last but not least, had I won I was prepared (somewhat) with an acceptance speech. I'm still going to give it to you, because like I said, so many of you supported me and fought for me and voted daily and shouted me out, I can't thank you enough. Here's what I wanted to say:

You have no idea how grateful I am and how much this means to me. I've devoted the last decade, or more, of my life to creating. Whether it's performing in a play, on set or on YouTube. In this business, no matter what you define as success, you're never done. You've never done all there is to do. And that's what I love about it. But because of that you don't always take the time to soak in what you have done. It means so much to me to be nominated let alone to win, and to know that there were fans and friends and family who took the time to vote. I'm sad my husband, who is my biggest fan isn't here with me tonight but I'm so glad my parents are, who put me through acting school in New York City! Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final! This is truly an honor. I'll never forget this. Thank you.

SLAM! I broke my butt.

Saturday was my second ever SLAM.

SLAM is an annual fundraiser with Plan B Theatre Co. I'd never seen SLAM until I was in my first one last year. I remember everything about it, including the first words out of my mouth when it was over, "I will never do that again".

Nothing bad happened. I had a great piece by Julie Jensen. Acted alongside Mark Fossen and Stephanie Howell and was directed by Andra Harbold. It went just fine. More than fine. Not only was it fun to do, but it even went on to be published. But I saw some other pieces where the actors seemed to have pages and pages and pages of dialogue. Tons. I was blown away how they had memorized it. I didn't think I could have done it, and that's when I got scared. Holy shit, I'd gotten lucky! Maybe I should leave it at that. I didn't think I'd want to take that risk.

Yet, there I was for another go.

SLAM is this: Five plays, ten minutes each, written, memorized, fully staged and performed in 24 hours.

The way it breaks down for us actors is this. We get to the theatre at 9 am the day of the show, and we're told who's in what play, who's directing what, what props we have, we have a quick meeting with the playwright, and then we begin. Showtime is at 8 pm.

It's hard. Real hard. You learn a lot about yourself as an actor in that day. You do the unthinkable and truly surprise yourself at what is possible. You completely get out of your own way because you don't have a chance to second guess anything you're doing. And I absolutely love that. It's also hard to recover from. Real hard. The day after is spent completely wiped out. I'm still feeling a little bit of the SLAM hangover today. And so is my butt. But more on that later.

I loved the piece I got to do. This year each play had the same title, "Control_Alt_Delete". Each play had one prop, a cardboard box, and a slightly different image on a screen behind us.

Matthew Ivan Bennet was the playwright, Mark Fossen and Carleton Bluford were the other actors and we were directed by Kay Shean. It was an absolutely hilarious script and I loved what I got to perform. That's the thing about SLAM. You have no idea what you'll be performing so you can't really prepare for anything other than try to keep calm, go in with a super focus, and ready to accept anything and everything that comes your way.

Time seems to go both too slow and too fast all day.

Doing SLAM more than once must be like what they say about having a baby. You forget any trauma or difficulty and you agree to go through it all again!

It seems like it's so far away then suddenly the day is here. The night before and the morning of you want to make up an excuse to get out of it. You're wondering why on gods green earth you agreed. You are certain you'll never be able to memorize your script let alone give any kind of a performance, and you'll be the one to mess it all up. But you also have butterflies because it's all so exciting. It's all part of it and you secretly love it.

It's a good thing you don't give into your fears because it always comes together. And believe me, halfway through the day you're sure you'll never make it out alive.

I'm still on a high from being able to perform such a great piece. A piece that hadn't even existed even the morning before! I loved a chance to be silly for a room full of people who see me as serious more often than not.

It's not every day you spend your time riding a stool as a horse as an exercise to get closer to your husband while Dr. Easy not only guides you through, but hops on to "help". ;)

Sure, it'll be awhile before I can comfortably sit on my butt, but is was so worth it.

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment

Whether you consider yourself scientific, religious, practical or emotional, you need to see this.

"I AM", a documentary by Tom Shadyac finally opened in SLC today and I went to the first showtime. I'd been keeping an eye on this ever since I saw him on Oprah. I'm not an Oprah watcher either, so it's funny that when I've caught it a handful of times this year it's been something that's had a huge impact on me. Maybe I'm missing something not watching regularly. Anyway.

I could write a novel about what I saw today, but I won't. I still need to process and think.

All I want to say is see this. Please, please, please see this. And tell everyone you know to see it.

http://www.iamthedoc.com/



What if we didn't take more than we need? What if you learned that in is in our DNA to cooperate, not compete, with each other? And that in other countries and cultures the kind of greed and competition is actually considered mental illness? What if you realized and always remembered that all other humans, animals and nature are our relatives? What if you recognized that our society has gotten it wrong with what we celebrate and what we have lost sight of? What if it really hits you that no one is neutral and every one of us can make a difference? What if you started thinking about everything as one? That you're breathing the same air, right now that the dinosaurs, Joan of Arc and Jesus Christ once breathed?

If more of us seriously changed the way we thought, changed our collective consciousness, we could make a difference.

There would never be a reason to go to war.

I found a quote when I came home that was very fitting:

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world. ~Author Unknown

You can hear something a million times but until you're truly ready to hear it, they're just words. "One person can make a difference." I thought for so long I was, in fact neutral. I actually have said that in being just one person it doesn't matter what I do, because how will little me change anything? But today I learned that I, just as much as you, contribute to the collective consciousness. And we do. All of us.

I went through so many emotions while watching this. I was angry, I was sad, I was embarrassed at our society and what I've and we've bought into as success and what is "important". But by the end I was hopeful. Hopeful that others will see this documentary, or more will be made with the same kinds of ideas. That more people will have that chance to hear or see something that touches and teaches them.

In having my eyes opened and starting to become so much more aware, I feel a kind of contentment and comfort like I've never felt before.

There are times, when thinking about the subject, I wonder why I'd ever want to bring a baby into a world obsessed with looks, fame and money. But I do see a hope for a better, different, community based society. Yes. There is hope. It starts here and now and what we teach and pass on. I think this documentary should be required in schools. Required for humanity, actually.

Again, it doesn't matter what you believe religiously or what you know scientifically. It doesn't matter if you follow your head or your heart. Just see it.

As Rumi says, "Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment."
Do it for an hour and a half while seeing this film and I promise you'll learn something new and profound about yourself.

"The future has an ancient heart"

Well she's done it again, folks. Please take a few minutes to read today's column.
So beautiful. You'll tear up and relate. All of you.

"The most terrible and beautiful and interesting things happen in a life. For some of you, those things have already happened. Whatever happens to you belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will.

I have learned this over and over and over again."


By Dear Sugar on The Rumpus

http://therumpus.net/2011/05/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-72-the-future-has-an-ancient-heart/