It happens less, but every now and then I'm still pierced in the guts with an NYC flashback. Is that what it's like to have an acid flashback? I don't know. But I literally feel it. It hurts. It hurts so good. It makes me sad that it happens less because it means that that time of my life is getting farther away. I don't like to feel it slip away. I don't like to think of it in those terms. I just want to relive one day. Just one.
In honor of what was the most special, painful, tough and wonderful time of my life, my time spent in new york over a period of five years, I'm going to be posting a few snippets of journal entries over the next month or so until I go.
Please know how sacred that time was to me, how much it means to me that I documented so much of it. I am so grateful I have these journals I could cry. Please know what a big deal it is to me to tell you my story. It's so embedded in my heart of hearts in the most protected place that most of the time it's too hard for me to talk about it. It's taken me a long, long time to finally write it :)
This was back when you could wait with someone at the gate at the airport! This picture was the day I left. I remember right before I got on the plane, my dad burst into tears. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. I'll never forget it.
Packing up my childhood room at home
Saturday, Sept 18 9:25 am (quite a number of years ago ;) )
Right this minute as I am writing in this brand new journal, I am miles and miles up above Utah. At least I'm assuming it's still Utah, as I fly in this plane on my way to Las Vegas, where I will change planes and make my so longed for descent into the JFK International Airport. I'm on my way to study acting in NYC after all! I can't believe it! I'm going to be studying at the Atlantic Theater Company Acting School. It's so surreal, it's so perfect, such a fairy tale ending I almost feel guilty that it did end up happening for me.
...Suddenly there were 3 & 1/2 days to do so much! Wrap things up, get a hair cut, get my chipped tooth fixed, decide what to tak, make a ton of phone calls. Say some goodbyes, quit "Oklahoma:, etc. It was all happening so fast. It's so strange to me. Okay, here I was, still stuck in Utah trying so hard to listen to myself. To try and be still and really listen to my calling, to what I was supposed to do. East coast or west coast, what school, what agency, what theatre, etc. And although it looked like I'd be going to LA I couldn't ever bring myself to feel 100% right about it. I was fighting a sadness I was afraid would come with all of my might. I felt so stuck, school had started and all my friends were moving ahead. And I was just at home. I almost wished I was at least going to Westminster again, just to be around people, not to feel so backtracked and left behind. I ended up getting hired at Express and I was happy that I'd have somewhere to go and something to do to keep me busy, in new surroundings with new people. Although I had always planned to be in school, not just working in a clothing store. Little did I know, I'd never even have my first day on the job :)
...Here I go to NYC. The place and time of year I always planned and thought I'd go. And the most ironic part of it all is that I'm not going to any old actor training program. I'm going to the exact studio I wanted to be at since last year. My ideal place to study.
* * * * *
Wow. Its 10:11 NYC time. In in my "new room". When the plane landed at the airport, I was so scared. My heart was pounding, I felt shaky.
...I still cannot believe I did it. I left Utah. I have nothing here but myself. It's the weirdest, scariest feeling. I can't even describe what I'm feeling. I know I can let go, be myself, but with the right people in the right environment. I can't wait until monday, until I start doing what I do and meeting people like me.
* * * * *
9/21
It's a little past 8:00 in the morning. I'm sitting in the starbucks I go to everyday before school starts. Something I can't afford to do, but do anyway. I just have to write something, even if it's a paragraph. I need to get out some tension, release something. It's so hard. It's nothing like I thought. More than anything *Rob is the one that I miss the most. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I'm here to stay, I guess. It hasn't hit me that I'll see Rob maybe two times a year. I have learned that I was ready to leave my family. But I have learned that I need people. Friends, more than I ever would have thought. It's so hard. So hard. It would be so easy to just go back home, sure I want to but I'm not going to. I wouldn't be happy after awhile. I can't take the easy road. The high road is always harder. But I have to do it. I just hope I can have the strength to.
*names are changed. Rob was my gay BFF. We were inseparable.
thank you so much Deena, for sharing your experience, your story! I know it is a big deal!!!! I can´t wait to read more about it <3<3<3
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