Turn back dull earth, and find thy center out

A plane flies over, against a little patch of blue in an otherwise gray sky. Ohhhh, I breathe while watching. "That looks like freedom." I am instantly aware of my feet on the ground, and how heavy they feel. For as long as I can remember, I have had a desire to be off the earth, and in the sky. Always aware of the restriction of gravity, and being bound.

It's simply one of those days, you see. Where I feel a bit unsteady, untethered, looking for a touchstone, but not really knowing what that means, today.

I think of 2011, when I discovered the Camino de Santiago. I knew I had been called, and I knew one day I would make my pilgrimage. I keep thinking about that now, as I spend each day walking. Pushing myself to go farther, to take new routes. Experiencing my home on foot the way I normally don't. The way I do if I'm in another place, the way I do in NYC, but haven't here. I wonder to myself, "why?"

Perhaps, for now, this is my Camino. This is my pilgrimage. Perhaps this is the time I learn how to be grateful on foot.

I walk. I press on, beginning the pilgrimage to my restless heart.




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Mask

I am walking, and I find that I am smiling...for some reason. I think it is just being outside, in the sun, breathing in fresh air. It invigorates.

I think about the mask workshop I took in NYC, and how there was a woman in the class who was always smiling. "No one is that happy", I thought to myself.

I've been thinking about that workshop lately. It was 2012, and that was the first time I died.

My grandpa had just passed away, I couldn't get home fast enough. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

I picture myself in front of the class, both hidden and exposed by the wearing of this mask, trying my hardest to send out my heart. My energy, right from that spot smack in the center of my chest, out and over the sea, to a loved one who had just left, as the assignment required.

Stretching. Expansion.

I look up as I walk, I'm always looking up, to see what's above, what messages are in the sky. My constant, to remind me that life is still big.

I think about the time I stood on a Hawaiian beach, observing a father teaching his toddler how to surf, my writing of this observation, and the realization that there are so many ways in which to live life, and parent a child. This child of the waves teaching me a lesson in expansion in that instant.

It has never left me.

There is a new corner of the world, just every few miles.

Endless possibility at our feet.

I keep walking.

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March 26, 2020

“Guide me to, guide me from, guide me home”, I said to the stars. 

Like a cosmic prayer, it came to me one night. 

I’d made a habit of consulting the stars nightly before bed. 

Mid February, before the world fell apart, I wrote of “expansion, and being bound.” These words, this juxtaposition, now a prophecy. A foretelling.

My lessons are coming in hot. Lessons in distance and closeness, in tribe and solitude. 

I called them into being. The stars delivered.

The world shrunk and grew in an instant. So did my home, and my heart. 

I am filled to the brim with more than I can alchemize into words just yet. 

What a beginning to this new earth...the next chapter...

Not a soul with the answer. 

And that’s strangely comforting.

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Thirtysomething things I've learned in thirtysomething years

I did more than thirtysomething things...I could keep going. Maybe I'll just add to the list here and there, but here you go:

The unthinkable will happen.

It pays to say yes rather than no to adventures and opportunity.
 
You can’t help who you’re attracted to, and who you're not. Neither are to be forced.

Your perceived weaknesses are most likely your super powers.

You don’t know what kind of parent you’ll be until you are one.

You can’t possibly know how to parent your child until you meet, and get to know them.

Time will speed up the older you get.

You will look back on just about every phase with nostalgia, even the rough stuff.

You probably don’t know how good you have it.

People would never guess how bad you’ve had it.

We are all just souls, more alike than not, 
experiencing life in whatever body we happened to be born in.

It takes a long time to learn to love selflessly.

What you feel shame over is probably your greatest story to share and inspire others with.

Everyone is connected.

Everything is connected.

Birth and death are parts of the same whole.

Some things feel cosmic, biblical, and cannot be explained

The universe is full of love notes, and when you tune in, you’ll feel the world has been tailored just for you.

There are too many “coincidences” to not questions sometimes if you are, in fact, in “The Truman Show”.

Gratitude is everything.

Friends are important, chose them wisely.

Don’t give too much of yourself to those who don’t deserve it.

It is impossible and nonsensical to judge another, you simply cannot know what it’s like to experience life from their point of view.

You will have dreams that will come true.

Life will be full of curveballs, and the surprises will be some of the best things to happen.

You will survive that which you’re sure you can’t, should you chose to.

Your feelings will get hurt, and your heart will get broken, and there will never be an age where you’re immune.

You can’t love someone enough for the both of you.

Not everyone will want to do the hard work it takes to sustain a relationship, a friendship, or want to grow...those are not your people, if you’re a seeker.

You’ll experience yourself differently than the outside world perceives, and their perception has little to do with you.

Consult others for opinions at your own discretion, but in the end, only you steer your ship, and know where it needs to go.

If you feel stifled, or have a hard time expressing yourself, pay attention...go where breathing comes easy.

Human connection is vital.

We are all eachother’s teachers.

When it comes to religion, let people believe whatever they need to leave to get through life, but never let someone tell you their way is you are way too if it doesn’t ring true for you.

There is never just one possibility, or outcome, there are many.
At first that will overwhelm, but in the end, it is your freedom.

Soulmates can take many forms; lovers, friends, family, and animals.
 
Give yourself grace for doing whatever you knew how to do, until you learned to do better.

Each baby arrives earth-side absolutely perfect.
You’re supposed to be here, right at this moment, however you are.
 
You can’t imagine how quickly things turn.

Life is a series of goodbyes.

This too shall pass - the good and the bad.
Nothing lasts.
Not one thing.

Awaken II

In the midst of social distancing, I experienced an incredible closeness. Sometimes people come into your life in the most sudden, and unexpected ways, leaving you forever changed, and there is no going back to before, from a crash course in life, and love.

He's on his way back to France. I'm sure you're curious about this story, but it's mine to keep. I will never claim to know what the future holds, where the path may lead, or why ours crossed, but to him I am so grateful. Magic is real. He brought me back to life.

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I watched him walk away, trying to memorize it. Burning the image into my brain, not wanting to forget. As I drove away, I was not yet able to turn on the radio, or hear any music. Not yet ready to fill myself with anything other than what I was feeling. Never having had a goodbye like that, one that was so sad, because my heart is so incredibly full. 

What's next? I ask myself. Now? But it's not an empty question. I feel as though I've been loved right back to life. 

Sometimes people just belong. They just fit. And life, and home expands. And breathing is easy. 

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